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oh my god you guys I just killed a spider
Indie Winter
die KräheRudi Hurzlmeier (German, b. 1952)Registered User regular
die KräheRudi Hurzlmeier (German, b. 1952)Registered User regular
So we got a new dog, a pekingese we called George. Little bastard cost us 375$, but he's adorable and cuddly and dumb as a brick.
So anyway, my sister goes out to somewhere, and I gotta babysit the tyke. We play, we laugh, good times are had. But all of a sudden the little guy looks a little strained, if you get my meaning, and I take him on up to the front door for a little walkie.
So I pick George up, take him to the door, and wait for the little guy to go outside and do his business. Except all of the sudden George doesn't seem so interested in the secretion of excrement, but rather in some strange bulge on the living room carpet. We go up to it, and I discover that bulge is in actuality a huge fucking spider. And since I've been in my fair share of spider threads, I can safely say this sonofabitch was just about the size of Clock Spider, except less leggy and more hairy.
Now, first instinct is, get this fucker out of my house. I turn to the kitchen, ready to take a towel and toss this abomination unto God out to the street, when all of a sudden George goes berserk. He starts barking, howling, jumps back from and to the spider like mad. So now I got a big fucking spider and a crazy fucking dog on my hands. I try to take George away, but the bastard bites me. And this aint the usual playful, 7 week old puppy kind of bite, this is the "get the hell away from me you dickwad I WANT THAT SPIDER" kind of bite. So he's barking and biting, and the spider starting to run under a sofa, and I panic. And I pick up the nearest flat faced object around, which is a Life magazine. And I smack it down on the spider. Hard.
At this point, three things happen at once:
1) George goes dead quit, too terrified to move.
2) The spider's 8 eyes pop the fuck out with a sickening sound and roll on the floor.
3) I come to the sudden and horrifying realization that what I just killed was, in fact, a spiderette. This becomes apparent to me because now about two dozen tiny spider babies swarm out of mama spider gutted corpse and start to scatter from under the magazine. So, I panic further.
I literally hurl George back down onto my bed and quickly close the door before the tiny maniac gets a chance to gnaw on me again. I then start to frantically dash around my houses' many restrooms ( place was originally built as a housing complex for collage students ) looking for bug spray. I find an amazingly ueless assortment of air fresheners, toilet scrubbers, all natural liquid soaps, and little wooden sticks stuck in Essence of Vanilla, but no fucking bug spray. This goes on for, say, a minute and half, before I give up the search and make my way back to the living room armed with naught but a floor wiper and sheer desperate bravado ( It is important to note that, at this point, I had DVDA's "Now You're A Man" playing constantly in my head ). But as I head down to face the Hellspawned Hatchlings of Shelob, I discover something unimaginable.
My door room was open.
That little fucking mutt George must've clawed at the door hard enough to open it, and then ran to the living room. I stumble on my feet ( and on the floor wiper ) as I try to run over and see what's going on. And when I got there?
The living room carpet. The magazine. The mangled spider body underneath it. The baby spiders. All of them. Completely and totally covered in pee. Little guy couldn't help himself anymore, and just let loose right then and there, killing just about all the spiders that got caught in the stream.
I cleaned up the living room, hung the carpet out to dry, and walked George, before going back to my room. Today was the most intense day of my life.
So anyway, my sister goes out to somewhere, and I gotta babysit the tyke. We play, we laugh, good times are had. But all of a sudden the little guy looks a little strained, if you get my meaning, and I take him on up to the front door for a little walkie.
So I pick George up, take him to the door, and wait for the little guy to go outside and do his business. Except all of the sudden George doesn't seem so interested in the secretion of excrement, but rather in some strange bulge on the living room carpet. We go up to it, and I discover that bulge is in actuality a huge fucking spider. And since I've been in my fair share of spider threads, I can safely say this sonofabitch was just about the size of Clock Spider, except less leggy and more hairy.
Now, first instinct is, get this fucker out of my house. I turn to the kitchen, ready to take a towel and toss this abomination unto God out to the street, when all of a sudden George goes berserk. He starts barking, howling, jumps back from and to the spider like mad. So now I got a big fucking spider and a crazy fucking dog on my hands. I try to take George away, but the bastard bites me. And this aint the usual playful, 7 week old puppy kind of bite, this is the "get the hell away from me you dickwad I WANT THAT SPIDER" kind of bite. So he's barking and biting, and the spider starting to run under a sofa, and I panic. And I pick up the nearest flat faced object around, which is a Life magazine. And I smack it down on the spider. Hard.
At this point, three things happen at once:
1) George goes dead quit, too terrified to move.
2) The spider's 8 eyes pop the fuck out with a sickening sound and roll on the floor.
3) I come to the sudden and horrifying realization that what I just killed was, in fact, a spiderette. This becomes apparent to me because now about two dozen tiny spider babies swarm out of mama spider gutted corpse and start to scatter from under the magazine. So, I panic further.
I literally hurl George back down onto my bed and quickly close the door before the tiny maniac gets a chance to gnaw on me again. I then start to frantically dash around my houses' many restrooms ( place was originally built as a housing complex for collage students ) looking for bug spray. I find an amazingly ueless assortment of air fresheners, toilet scrubbers, all natural liquid soaps, and little wooden sticks stuck in Essence of Vanilla, but no fucking bug spray. This goes on for, say, a minute and half, before I give up the search and make my way back to the living room armed with naught but a floor wiper and sheer desperate bravado ( It is important to note that, at this point, I had DVDA's "Now You're A Man" playing constantly in my head ). But as I head down to face the Hellspawned Hatchlings of Shelob, I discover something unimaginable.
My door room was open.
That little fucking mutt George must've clawed at the door hard enough to open it, and then ran to the living room. I stumble on my feet ( and on the floor wiper ) as I try to run over and see what's going on. And when I got there?
The living room carpet. The magazine. The mangled spider body underneath it. The baby spiders. All of them. Completely and totally covered in pee. Little guy couldn't help himself anymore, and just let loose right then and there, killing just about all the spiders that got caught in the stream.
I cleaned up the living room, hung the carpet out to dry, and walked George, before going back to my room. Today was the most intense day of my life.
Indie Winter on
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Posts
turns out it was just your sig
Dear satan I wish for this or maybe some of this....oh and I'm a medium or a large.
They're crows. crows.
God.
I fucking hate spiders Jesus Christ
PSN ID : DetectiveOlivaw | TWITTER | STEAM ID | NEVER FORGET
Maybe later, he's sleeping in my sister's room now. Dude had a rough day.
SteamID: Baroque And Roll
Spiders everywhere
Tell that to me when its six in the morning and I'm tired as fuck and its late and and
and I'm going to finish eating this sub sandwich.
But jesus god spiders freak me the fuck out. Also centipedes, like the really big ones that are a good 10 centimeters long. We have them in my basement and now going down there is like receiving a death sentence.
bastard nature
i swear i will invest the rest of my life inventing a force field that repels insects and other bastards of nature
http://forums.penny-arcade.com/showthread.php?t=40758
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