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The EX and a Friendship

noobertnoobert Registered User regular
edited November 2007 in Help / Advice Forum
So about 4 months ago now I was dumped by my first serious girlfriend. She was a very, very good friend for about 2 years before we dated, if that matters. The relationship tuned sour because of the way it started... She was cheating on her current boy with me, at the time i couldn't have given a fuck, she was hot and i was getting some. However, over time that seed of doubt, that saying "once a cheater always a cheater" stuck in my mind.

As she started going out drinking with people i didn't know i started getting a bit nuts. It was a combo of jealousy and lack of trust, even tho i couldn't admit it to myself. Either way i started getting controlling and accusing her of cheating on me. She ended it after about 2 weeks of this, i couldn't accept it and did some pretty fucked up things in my desperation to keep her.

But that was all 3 months ago, and i haven't been in contact with her at all for those months. Because i refused to see or talk to her (as advised here ;) ) i lost about 1/2 of my social life too. I want that back, i also want her back as a friend, like before we dated.

Can i actually manage this H/A? Anyone done anything similar and have any tips?

Thanks dooders.

noobert on

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    Blake TBlake T Do you have enemies then? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    If you can get over her as being your girlfriend sure.

    We told her to stay away from her so you can get over her. If you are over her then sure.

    Blake T on
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    Lord YodLord Yod Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Give it more time. If she was a 'serious' girlfriend you're more than likely still hung up on her, and I can tell you that even a year later running into an ex can do crazy things to your head.

    Wait a few more months, at least. Make friends outside of that social circle, too.

    Lord Yod on
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    SpeakeasySpeakeasy Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Are you even sure she wants anything to do with you? If not, then I would just move on. It's almost certain she did.

    Speakeasy on
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    dvshermandvsherman Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Make new friends. If you lost all those acquaintances because she broke it off with you, then they were obviously her friends and yours only by proxy. If you actually manage to get back in that social circle, you'll always be her ex in their eyes.

    dvsherman on
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    noobertnoobert Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    dvsherman wrote: »
    Make new friends. If you lost all those acquaintances because she broke it off with you, then they were obviously her friends and yours only by proxy. If you actually manage to get back in that social circle, you'll always be her ex in their eyes.

    Well to be fair, when group things happened, we would both be invited. I just wouldn't go if she was going to be there. So it's not a case of friends by proxie, but everyone refusing to take sides. But, they are most active of my social circles, but that has a lot to do with their age.

    Speakeasy, yeah I'm sure.

    As for moving on myself, well I've been seeing an old friend from high school... But i have no idea if it is going to evolve into a full blow relationship or stay in this weird "seeing" each other/friends that have sex situation.

    noobert on
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    EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Yes you can do it, but if you're going to start, hang out with the group of friends as a group first, and don't make any effort to talk to her. Not in a passive-aggressive way, just in a "I'm here to be with friends, not start shit" way.

    If you're able to hang out with the group of friends and the ex girlfriend doesn't bug you, then cool. If you're at all jealous, or you feel compelled to talk to her about "how she's doing" or "is her boyfriend treating her well" or whatever, then you're not ready to be friends with her.

    If you can hang out with the group of friends and see your ex and, if you happen to end up in a conversation with some people and your ex is there and you can simply talk about the same thing without staring, or focusing, or otherwise drawing attention to your ex as anyone more than a friend, then it's a good sign.

    Most friendships from exes happen almost by accident, because the intentional ones involve someone seeking the other out, which usually means that there's still lingering feelings.

    EggyToast on
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    noobertnoobert Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Told a friend i was thinking about doing it. He told her, she called me.

    We spoke for 4 hours.

    I not sure i like where this is heading.

    noobert on
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    GihgehlsGihgehls Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Please go on.

    Gihgehls on
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    wunderbarwunderbar What Have I Done? Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Gihgehls wrote: »
    Please go on.

    wunderbar on
    XBL: thewunderbar PSN: thewunderbar NNID: thewunderbar Steam: wunderbar87 Twitter: wunderbar
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    dvshermandvsherman Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    noobert wrote: »
    Told a friend i was thinking about doing it. He told her, she called me.

    We spoke for 4 hours.

    I not sure i like where this is heading.

    About what? You don't spend four hours on the phone with a girl you're not emotionally invested in. I'm seeing that this isn't going to work out well if you pursue it.

    Make new friends.

    dvsherman on
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    araczynskiaraczynski Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    you sounds young.

    you're wasting your time, and denigrating yourself in the process.

    there's billions of people on this earth and you're stuck on her and her groupies?

    come on man, move on, find better, there is ALWAYS someone better.

    araczynski on
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    CryogenCryogen Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    noobert wrote: »
    Told a friend i was thinking about doing it. He told her, she called me.

    We spoke for 4 hours.

    I not sure i like where this is heading.

    Told a friend you were thinking about doing what, exactly?

    Look... it doesnt really matter what you said. You're clearly not over her. It hasnt been long enough. It may never be long enough... or, at least, not until you're completely head over heels with someone else. Legitimately, not just telling yourself that.

    Staying friends with exes is very, very hard. Especially when the circumstances of the break up are an argument, or bad feelings, as in your case. Even if you do break up on friendly terms, you still have to deal with the emotions of when she meets somebody else, which can be hard for many people.

    It really is best that you cut your losses here and just stay away. Salvaging this relationship is extremely unlikely, and getting in contact will only make it even harder for you to get over her.

    I know its hard, i've been there and it took me nearly a year to figure it out and cut her out of my life. And once i did i wondered why the fuck i didnt do it earlier. Its life though, you learn.

    edit : Oh, and obviously, stop telling this friend personal stuff you still havent decided on

    Cryogen on
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    dvshermandvsherman Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    araczynski wrote: »
    you sounds young.

    you're wasting your time, and denigrating yourself in the process.

    there's billions of people on this earth and you're stuck on her and her groupies?

    come on man, move on, find better, there is ALWAYS someone better.

    Exactly. If her friends were your friends too, then this would be a non-issue. They might have given you some room right after the break up. But you would have been able to call them up to hang out without even thinking about it. That you have to question it means you should, you guessed it:

    Make new friends.

    dvsherman on
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    noobertnoobert Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    What did we talk about? Everything that happened with in the last few months, told awesome stories and just general shit. This is a girl i spoke to most days as a friend and then a girlfriend...

    How young? Me 20 Her/that group 18

    Make new friends? I'll just focus on the other group and hit up the people I hang out alone with to see what their groups are up to.

    Why don't i like where its going? Because i know if i see her face to face something would probably happen.... If there was any amount of drinking involved, something would for sure. Looks like we aren't over each other, and as stunningly attractive as she is (IMO of course) my better judgement knows getting messed up with her again would kill me.

    noobert on
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    MHYoshimitzuMHYoshimitzu Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    I would just flat out ask her if she still has feelings for you.

    If she does, great, but if not, my advice would be to make new friends.

    I had a situation similar to this with my first girlfriend. Her friends became my friends, and we had a good seven months where we hung out together and had a great time without issue.

    When we broke up, however, her friends made an attempt to still be friends with me, but they ultimately decided to stop talking to me because of all the drama associated between the two of us (we had broken up via an argument that was directly related to them).

    Eventually, I made new friends, and moved on. Sure, I miss the good times I had with them, but it would be naive to think that I could recover that relationship when there is bad blood between parties.

    You'll make new friends. Don't try to force something that sounds like it won't work.

    MHYoshimitzu on
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    corcorigancorcorigan Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    I'm friends with my old girlfriend, and that was fairly serious (on her side anyway, hehe). She's a rude twat to me sometimes, but that's just her being normal as far as I can work out. I ignore it, and smile the 'I no longer need to care' smile.

    corcorigan on
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    ManofSteelManofSteel Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Everyone who is saying you need to make new friends is right. I'm 20, a very similar thing happened to me when I was 17 (The mutual friends we had ended up looking at me as 'her ex'). I spent 6 months without friends, but eventually met new and better friends. I live with 2 of my new friends now and I've never been happier. Finding new friends sucks for a while, but it's worth it.

    ManofSteel on
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    noobertnoobert Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    She called me lastnight and said "I wish you still loved me"

    I nearly said "I do".

    It's time to bail. Thanks for the help guys, seems we both have a lot to go through before we can consider each other as just friends.

    As for the new friends: I have quite a few friends who are members of totally different social circles to mine, so i'm gonna ask them to help me out.

    noobert on
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    Black IceBlack Ice Charlotte, NCRegistered User regular
    edited November 2007
    I don't want to hijack this topic, but I don't think it's necessary to start a new one since it's the same subject (ex and friendship).

    What if your ex is an exponentially better girlfriend than anyone else you can find? What if you broke up with her for 2 months, then were friends for 4-5 months, then wanted to restart the relationship and she wanted to do so, too, and she's one of your best friends?

    I'm totally in that boat and I want to cash back in because I really still care for her and vice versa. :x

    Black Ice on
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    noobertnoobert Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Black Ice wrote: »
    I don't want to hijack this topic, but I don't think it's necessary to start a new one since it's the same subject (ex and friendship).

    What if your ex is an exponentially better girlfriend than anyone else you can find? What if you broke up with her for 2 months, then were friends for 4-5 months, then wanted to restart the relationship and she wanted to do so, too, and she's one of your best friends?

    I'm totally in that boat and I want to cash back in because I really still care for her and vice versa. :x

    Why did you break up with her? Does that reason still exist?

    noobert on
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    Black IceBlack Ice Charlotte, NCRegistered User regular
    edited November 2007
    noobert wrote: »
    Black Ice wrote: »
    I don't want to hijack this topic, but I don't think it's necessary to start a new one since it's the same subject (ex and friendship).

    What if your ex is an exponentially better girlfriend than anyone else you can find? What if you broke up with her for 2 months, then were friends for 4-5 months, then wanted to restart the relationship and she wanted to do so, too, and she's one of your best friends?

    I'm totally in that boat and I want to cash back in because I really still care for her and vice versa. :x

    Why did you break up with her? Does that reason still exist?

    It was a tough time for both of us, she admitted to making problems that weren't really problems just because she felt good working them out with someone.. it was just a bunch of dumb things that came crashing down and I lost my feelings for her, and told her I wanted to take a break (which was a break up).

    Now, just like when we were in our relationship, we're best friends - and have been so for months without flirting and stuff up until recently. I took her out last Saturday and it was one of the greatest nights of my life, definitely the best date I've ever been on, and she thought the same. We like each other more now but I don't know if it's the right thing to do.

    I know she isn't "the one" but I do feel like she is hands-down "the best one" by leaps and bounds right now. I'm not looking for a serious relationship, but as a friend and someone to take out to dates, it seems like a great idea. What do you guys think? It would seem like a no brainer - we both like each other again, we are exponentially happier when we're around each other. The catch is she's black, and I'm white, and it's taxing for family members.. :x

    Black Ice on
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    noobertnoobert Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    IMO go for it.

    noobert on
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    wunderbarwunderbar What Have I Done? Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    noobert wrote: »
    IMO go for it.

    ya, seriously, go for it.

    It sounds like you both have really strong feelings for each other, and it sounds like your practically dating anyway. Just tell her how you feel.

    wunderbar on
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    themark2themark2 Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Black Ice wrote: »
    The catch is she's black, and I'm white, and it's taxing for family members.. :x

    Fuck your racist families, do what makes you two feel happy.

    Also to the original poster; if it was your jealousy over nothing that split you up and you both still want each other then give it another go. As long as you keep your insecurities in check it should be ok.

    themark2 on
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    noobertnoobert Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    themark2 wrote: »
    Black Ice wrote: »
    The catch is she's black, and I'm white, and it's taxing for family members.. :x

    Fuck your racist families, do what makes you two feel happy.

    Also to the original poster; if it was your jealousy over nothing that split you up and you both still want each other then give it another go. As long as you keep your insecurities in check it should be ok.

    It's more the fact that:
    a) I don't really trust her, no matter what i tell myself.
    b) She doesn't act in a way i am comfortable with while drinking. Considering thats what she does 3 nights a week, theres no way i could deal with it.
    c) I really don't trust her.

    It's both insecurities and her actions before we where getting together, and after we broke up that tell me to keep clear.

    I still really enjoy talking to her when we stay clear of anything serious... when it was more like the old days. And my god i still want to do her (like the old days too), but i know thats pure physical attraction.

    Thanks dooders.

    noobert on
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