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Give a Historical Figure a Gift

emnmnmeemnmnme Registered User regular
edited November 2007 in Debate and/or Discourse
We've had a lot of historical figures. We have a lot of modern conveniences thanks to consumerism. So why not speculate on how much easier we could make the lives of our long-dead heroes with our stuff. If you could give one physical item to any historical figure from any time, what would it be? Go ahead and assume energy won't be a problem - if you want to give Beethoven a hearing aid, assume it will come with infinite batteries.

Two restrictions - you can't give knowledge. Sending a modern history textbook back in time to a young Winston Churchill would let him know how WW2 would end and how to prevent the Cold War - a little too much help. Also, the thing you're sending back can't weigh more than 100 pounds. We wouldn't want to give Genghis Khan an Abrams tank, right?

For me, I would send Michaelangelo a pair of safety goggles. I always felt sad reading about his time painting the images in the Sistine Chapel. How he laid flat on his back on the scaffold to paint and how the paint dripped into his eyes, blurring his vision. For $2 today, he could have saved himself from a lot of suffering.

emnmnme on
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Posts

  • dvshermandvsherman Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Actually, Churchill was aware of how the Russians needed to be dealt with after WW2, and what the likely result would be if they weren't. The history textbook would have been better sent to the people who did not listen to him.

    Anyway, I would send Julius Caesar a submachine gun.

    "E tu, Brutus?"

    *rat a tat tat*

    dvsherman on
  • KalkinoKalkino Buttons Londres Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    I would send Hitler in Vienna a DS + Advance Wars Dual Strike. I think he would have become a much nicer person if he'd been able to channel his aggression into protecting War World and making friends with hip cats like Andy.

    Kalkino on
    Freedom for the Northern Isles!
  • ShintoShinto __BANNED USERS regular
    edited November 2007
    I'd give Thomas Jefferson an economics textbook.

    Shinto on
  • DukiDuki Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Back to the Future "Book of all bets" doesn't count then?

    Laaaame.

    Duki on
  • CouscousCouscous Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    For me, I would send Michaelangelo a pair of safety goggles. I always felt sad reading about his time painting the images in the Sistine Chapel. How he laid flat on his back on the scaffold to paint and how the paint dripped into his eyes, blurring his vision. For $2 today, he could have saved himself from a lot of suffering.
    He didn't lay on his back when painting the Sistine Chapel.

    I'd give young Hitler painting lessons.

    Couscous on
  • emnmnmeemnmnme Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Kalkino wrote: »
    I would send Hitler in Vienna a DS + Advance Wars Dual Strike. I think he would have become a much nicer person if he'd been able to channel his aggression into protecting War World and making friends with hip cats like Andy.

    I don't think Hitler would know how to 'drop a phat beat'.

    emnmnme on
  • ShintoShinto __BANNED USERS regular
    edited November 2007
    I'd give Herman Melville a bottle of prozac.

    Shinto on
  • emnmnmeemnmnme Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Shinto wrote: »
    I'd give Herman Melville a bottle of prozac.

    How would that help him? He needed to be a little wonky to write his depressing literature.

    emnmnme on
  • saggiosaggio Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    I'd give Paul a punch in the face.

    saggio on
    3DS: 0232-9436-6893
  • CouscousCouscous Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    saggio wrote: »
    I'd give Paul a punch in the face.

    Wouldn't it make more sense to give his mother birth control pills?

    Couscous on
  • ShintoShinto __BANNED USERS regular
    edited November 2007
    emnmnme wrote: »
    Shinto wrote: »
    I'd give Herman Melville a bottle of prozac.

    How would that help him? He needed to be a little wonky to write his depressing literature.

    On the other hand - suicide.

    Shinto on
  • AldoAldo Hippo Hooray Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    I'd give Columbus a globe.

    Aldo on
  • DrezDrez Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    I'd give H. G. Wells a time machine. Guy deserves it.

    Drez on
    Switch: SW-7690-2320-9238Steam/PSN/Xbox: Drezdar
  • CouscousCouscous Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Drez wrote: »
    I'd give H. G. Wells a time machine. Guy deserves it.

    You know he'd just use it to go have sex with history's hottest figures.

    Couscous on
  • AldoAldo Hippo Hooray Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    titmouse wrote: »
    Drez wrote: »
    I'd give H. G. Wells a time machine. Guy deserves it.

    You know he'd just use it to go have sex with history's hottest figures.

    And he would deserve it.

    Aldo on
  • DrezDrez Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    titmouse wrote: »
    Drez wrote: »
    I'd give H. G. Wells a time machine. Guy deserves it.

    You know he'd just use it to go have sex with history's hottest figures.

    Maybe.

    Hey, I got it!

    I'd give Jesus a copy of Dianetics.

    Drez on
    Switch: SW-7690-2320-9238Steam/PSN/Xbox: Drezdar
  • ViolentChemistryViolentChemistry __BANNED USERS regular
    edited November 2007
    I would give Abigail Fillmore a jacket.

    ViolentChemistry on
  • PicardathonPicardathon Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    I would give Nietschze 99 pounds of prozac.
    He needed it so bad.

    Picardathon on
  • ShintoShinto __BANNED USERS regular
    edited November 2007
    I'd give Abigail Adams Hillary Clinton's autograph.

    Shinto on
  • GimGim a tall glass of water Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    To most everyone before the 20th century:

    wiris20soap2025gwj6.jpg

    Gim on
  • ShintoShinto __BANNED USERS regular
    edited November 2007
    I'd give Ben Johnson a bottle of Coke and a packet of Sour Patch Kids.

    Shinto on
  • AldoAldo Hippo Hooray Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Gim wrote: »
    To most everyone before the 20th century:

    wiris20soap2025gwj6.jpg

    Along with a package of these:
    condoomcv8.jpg

    Aldo on
  • SithDrummerSithDrummer Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    I'd give Lincoln a helmet.

    SithDrummer on
  • BitstreamBitstream Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    I'd send the Founding Fathers of the US a video camera with as much recording media as would be necessary to document the debate and discourse (olol) surrounding the creation of the country. Basically, I'd send today's historical figures a gift in the form of explicit documentation of the intents of a bunch of very smart men and how it applies today.

    Plus, you know Ben Franklin would leave us some bitchin' party footage.

    Bitstream on
  • FeralFeral MEMETICHARIZARD interior crocodile alligator ⇔ ǝɹʇɐǝɥʇ ǝᴉʌoɯ ʇǝloɹʌǝɥɔ ɐ ǝʌᴉɹp ᴉRegistered User regular
    edited November 2007
    I'd give Empress Messalina of Rome a good deep dicking.

    Feral on
    every person who doesn't like an acquired taste always seems to think everyone who likes it is faking it. it should be an official fallacy.

    the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
  • jothkijothki Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Bitstream wrote: »
    I'd send the Founding Fathers of the US a video camera with as much recording media as would be necessary to document the debate and discourse (olol) surrounding the creation of the country. Basically, I'd send today's historical figures a gift in the form of explicit documentation of the intents of a bunch of very smart men and how it applies today.

    Plus, you know Ben Franklin would leave us some bitchin' party footage.

    You know that all of the footage would end up being just from Ben Franklin's parties.

    jothki on
  • FeralFeral MEMETICHARIZARD interior crocodile alligator ⇔ ǝɹʇɐǝɥʇ ǝᴉʌoɯ ʇǝloɹʌǝɥɔ ɐ ǝʌᴉɹp ᴉRegistered User regular
    edited November 2007
    No, I take that back. I'd give Empress Theodora of the Byzantines a good deep dicking.

    Feral on
    every person who doesn't like an acquired taste always seems to think everyone who likes it is faking it. it should be an official fallacy.

    the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
  • ChurchChurch Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Maybe this is cheating, but I'd give Nikita Khrushchev a documentary detailing just how Brezhnev goes about stabbing him in the back and running the country into the ground.

    Church on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • CorlisCorlis Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Every emperor from Nerva to Pius was without a natural son, and so they had to chose the next emperor, usually based on their sanity and skill. Each of those emperors was pretty darn good. Then Aurelius had a kid and, what a surprise, he was a nutcase. So I'd send old Marcus a box of condoms.

    Corlis on
    But I don't mind, as long as there's a bed beneath the stars that shine,
    I'll be fine, just give me a minute, a man's got a limit, I can't get a life if my heart's not in it.
  • CorlisCorlis Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Feral wrote: »
    No, I take that back. I'd give Empress Theodora of the Byzantines a good deep dicking.
    You weight less than 100lbs? Or are you just sending the organ in question? :P

    Corlis on
    But I don't mind, as long as there's a bed beneath the stars that shine,
    I'll be fine, just give me a minute, a man's got a limit, I can't get a life if my heart's not in it.
  • JacobkoshJacobkosh Gamble a stamp. I can show you how to be a real man!Moderator mod
    edited November 2007
    Shinto wrote: »
    I'd give Abigail Adams Hillary Clinton's autograph.

    You just gave me the warm fuzzies.

    Jacobkosh on
    rRwz9.gif
  • FeralFeral MEMETICHARIZARD interior crocodile alligator ⇔ ǝɹʇɐǝɥʇ ǝᴉʌoɯ ʇǝloɹʌǝɥɔ ɐ ǝʌᴉɹp ᴉRegistered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Corlis wrote: »
    Feral wrote: »
    No, I take that back. I'd give Empress Theodora of the Byzantines a good deep dicking.
    You weight less than 100lbs? Or are you just sending the organ in question? :P

    You're saying we can't give the figure the gift in question in person?

    Because I was thinking of bringing Tiberius some token ceremonial gift to demonstrate my loyalty and then spending the weekend giving his servants good deep dickings.

    Feral on
    every person who doesn't like an acquired taste always seems to think everyone who likes it is faking it. it should be an official fallacy.

    the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
  • Casual EddyCasual Eddy The Astral PlaneRegistered User regular
    edited November 2007
    I'd give nick drake some anti depressants, or maybe a recording of the car commercial that made Pink Moon famous or a soundtrack of one of the movies that features his music.

    Casual Eddy on
  • FeralFeral MEMETICHARIZARD interior crocodile alligator ⇔ ǝɹʇɐǝɥʇ ǝᴉʌoɯ ʇǝloɹʌǝɥɔ ɐ ǝʌᴉɹp ᴉRegistered User regular
    edited November 2007
    I'd give nick drake some anti depressants, or maybe a recording of the car commercial that made Pink Moon famous or a soundtrack of one of the movies that features his music.

    And then he'll go and write "Happiness Pie" and become the new marketing figurehead for Gleemonex.

    Feral on
    every person who doesn't like an acquired taste always seems to think everyone who likes it is faking it. it should be an official fallacy.

    the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
  • HacksawHacksaw J. Duggan Esq. Wrestler at LawRegistered User regular
    edited November 2007
    I'd give Ayn Rand a paper bag to put over her head.

    Hacksaw on
  • FeralFeral MEMETICHARIZARD interior crocodile alligator ⇔ ǝɹʇɐǝɥʇ ǝᴉʌoɯ ʇǝloɹʌǝɥɔ ɐ ǝʌᴉɹp ᴉRegistered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Hacksaw wrote: »
    I'd give Ayn Rand a garbage bag to put over her head.

    Feral on
    every person who doesn't like an acquired taste always seems to think everyone who likes it is faking it. it should be an official fallacy.

    the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
  • Casual EddyCasual Eddy The Astral PlaneRegistered User regular
    edited November 2007
    Feral wrote: »
    I'd give nick drake some anti depressants, or maybe a recording of the car commercial that made Pink Moon famous or a soundtrack of one of the movies that features his music.

    And then he'll go and write "Happiness Pie" and become the new marketing figurehead for Gleemonex.

    Man he just needed to know people liked his music.

    Casual Eddy on
  • Fuzzy Cumulonimbus CloudFuzzy Cumulonimbus Cloud Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    I would give Al Gore the internet and a book on some other crazy theory that isn't global warming.
    Also, hearing aids for Beethoven, so he could hear his masterpieces.

    Fuzzy Cumulonimbus Cloud on
  • nexuscrawlernexuscrawler Registered User regular
    edited November 2007
    I'd give Isaac Newton a chemistry textbook. Maybe he would have realized Alchemy was dumb and did something useful with the last 30 years of his life.

    nexuscrawler on
  • Casual EddyCasual Eddy The Astral PlaneRegistered User regular
    edited November 2007
    fuzzy, global warming isn't a crazy theory.

    Casual Eddy on
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