The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Telling someone to back off
MHYoshimitzu
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hey, guys. I don't think I've done one of these threads before, but I come to you with a problem I have been dealing (or avoiding) lately.
I've had a friend since about 10th grade, (let's call him Steve, so this story doesn't become awash in pronouns) and he's always seemed like a good guy. We share common interests, play video games, talk about current events/politics. He's an all-around good guy. The problem comes from the fact that Steve doesn't seem to make friends easily, and likes to cling to the ones he has a lot. If he has any free time, the first thing he does is either call me or my other friend (let's call him Rob) to see if we're available.
That would be fine, except it's an almost daily occurrence. Let's say I have classes on Monday and he also has classes (I go to a university about 20 minutes from my house; he goes to a community college in the area) that day. Steve will call me after his classes are done to see if I'm free. If I'm at university, my phone is always on silent and in my pocket, because I don't want to be disturbed during class or if I'm studying, so I won't check it until after class has ended and I'm on my way home. I'll get maybe three or four calls from Steve a day (one really bad day I had about six or seven messages within the span of three hours), all checking to see if I'm free. I've talked to Rob about this, and Steve apparently does this to him, too.
Steve goes to college, and has a job that he goes to maybe once or twice a week. Rob works full time, 40 or 50 hours a week, and I'm just getting out of a retail job and trying to get myself published while in school. The problem's seemed to have gotten worse since I quit my job, since he knows I have more free time, and for some reason, not spending all my free time like he wants to with me and Rob is something he can't understand.
I have sat him down and told him that I can be busy, and that one phone call or a voicemail is enough to let me know that he wants to hang out, and that sometimes I don't want to be around people even if I do have free time (I was alone a lot when I was little, and kept to myself, so this kind of thing sort of carried on into college). The phone calls haven't stopped.
Recently, when I had gone out to a party on a Saturday night, I got home around 5 am and slept until the late afternoon. I woke up to a knock on my door, and it was Steve, wondering if I could hang out. He had called me, but since I was asleep I didn't hear it and he thought he would come over to see if I was home. He'll leave me voicemails in the same fashion: "Yeah, I was wondering if you were free to hang out, and your car wasn't in your driveway, so give me a call back."
Another example is a different Saturday night, he stopped by after work to talk to me for a bit. I told him I wasn't in the mood to hang out at the moment (it was 10 pm and I was pretty much set on being inside for the night), and to call me sometime tomorrow. He shows up at my door around noon and wonders why I'm not ready. When I told him I thought he was going to call first, he said that he told me yesterday that he would be over around noon. Apparently, he mumbled this to himself as I was walking back inside and I didn't catch it. Even still, I'd like a little notice before someone decides to drop by.
Rob's dealt with this by either not answering his phone at all or just being out all the time when he's not at work. Steve regularly calls Rob an ass for not answering his phone or being at home when Steve calls or drives over to visit. I assume he says the same of me to Rob when I'm not answering my phone.
Steve has admitted to having social problems; his family life has been kind of messed up and they all generally can't stand each other and yet manage to stay under the same roof without killing each other. He goes to see a therapist to sort of vent his anger, but it doesn't really seem to be helping, as he just generally gets pissed off if he doesn't win in a game, can't wrap his mind around a concept, or if he takes a joke the wrong way. It's kind of uncomfortable to be around him when this happens, but he gets over it eventually.
Am I an ass for not wanting to hang out with Steve anymore? I feel almost disillusioned by all this because none of my other friends do it, but he seems to give me a guilt trip every time I don't want to hang out with him and it's been really bothering me. Should I talk to him again, and repeat what I've said before, but clearer? I am in need of a fresh perspective.
I've had a friend since about 10th grade, (let's call him Steve, so this story doesn't become awash in pronouns) and he's always seemed like a good guy. We share common interests, play video games, talk about current events/politics. He's an all-around good guy. The problem comes from the fact that Steve doesn't seem to make friends easily, and likes to cling to the ones he has a lot. If he has any free time, the first thing he does is either call me or my other friend (let's call him Rob) to see if we're available.
That would be fine, except it's an almost daily occurrence. Let's say I have classes on Monday and he also has classes (I go to a university about 20 minutes from my house; he goes to a community college in the area) that day. Steve will call me after his classes are done to see if I'm free. If I'm at university, my phone is always on silent and in my pocket, because I don't want to be disturbed during class or if I'm studying, so I won't check it until after class has ended and I'm on my way home. I'll get maybe three or four calls from Steve a day (one really bad day I had about six or seven messages within the span of three hours), all checking to see if I'm free. I've talked to Rob about this, and Steve apparently does this to him, too.
Steve goes to college, and has a job that he goes to maybe once or twice a week. Rob works full time, 40 or 50 hours a week, and I'm just getting out of a retail job and trying to get myself published while in school. The problem's seemed to have gotten worse since I quit my job, since he knows I have more free time, and for some reason, not spending all my free time like he wants to with me and Rob is something he can't understand.
I have sat him down and told him that I can be busy, and that one phone call or a voicemail is enough to let me know that he wants to hang out, and that sometimes I don't want to be around people even if I do have free time (I was alone a lot when I was little, and kept to myself, so this kind of thing sort of carried on into college). The phone calls haven't stopped.
Recently, when I had gone out to a party on a Saturday night, I got home around 5 am and slept until the late afternoon. I woke up to a knock on my door, and it was Steve, wondering if I could hang out. He had called me, but since I was asleep I didn't hear it and he thought he would come over to see if I was home. He'll leave me voicemails in the same fashion: "Yeah, I was wondering if you were free to hang out, and your car wasn't in your driveway, so give me a call back."
Another example is a different Saturday night, he stopped by after work to talk to me for a bit. I told him I wasn't in the mood to hang out at the moment (it was 10 pm and I was pretty much set on being inside for the night), and to call me sometime tomorrow. He shows up at my door around noon and wonders why I'm not ready. When I told him I thought he was going to call first, he said that he told me yesterday that he would be over around noon. Apparently, he mumbled this to himself as I was walking back inside and I didn't catch it. Even still, I'd like a little notice before someone decides to drop by.
Rob's dealt with this by either not answering his phone at all or just being out all the time when he's not at work. Steve regularly calls Rob an ass for not answering his phone or being at home when Steve calls or drives over to visit. I assume he says the same of me to Rob when I'm not answering my phone.
Steve has admitted to having social problems; his family life has been kind of messed up and they all generally can't stand each other and yet manage to stay under the same roof without killing each other. He goes to see a therapist to sort of vent his anger, but it doesn't really seem to be helping, as he just generally gets pissed off if he doesn't win in a game, can't wrap his mind around a concept, or if he takes a joke the wrong way. It's kind of uncomfortable to be around him when this happens, but he gets over it eventually.
Am I an ass for not wanting to hang out with Steve anymore? I feel almost disillusioned by all this because none of my other friends do it, but he seems to give me a guilt trip every time I don't want to hang out with him and it's been really bothering me. Should I talk to him again, and repeat what I've said before, but clearer? I am in need of a fresh perspective.
MHYoshimitzu on
0
Posts
I don't really have advice on how to get out of the situation tactfully, but if you think about it from that point of view maybe an approach that will work for him will come to mind.
I host a podcast about movies.
The irony of that is of course that his behavior is causing the friends to view him negatively.
He's seeing a therapist already right? If it isn't a touchy subject you could bring up his seemingly obsessive behavior to him (in whatever way you guys think would be the best manner) and recommend he talk with his therapist about that as well.
I wouldn't expect a quick turnaround, it sounds like he's got a lot of issues in his life, and his therapist may not be very good, or his issues might just be so ingrained that it takes a lot of time.
There's also the possibility that like your friend getting out to dodge Steve, Steve may be desperately trying to get out of his house to escape the mess there.
This wouldn't give him the right to impose on you guys so much, but maybe it will let you understand where he's coming from a bit better.
really the best bet is to just get this guy out more and meet new people, that way he has a larger group of people he can hang out with on any given occasion, and not just constantly impose on 2.