The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Anger Management?
urahonky
Cynical Old ManRegistered User regular
Cynical Old ManRegistered User regular
Hi there.
I have a problem (regrettably since my childhood) where I get really angry at the smallest things. Normally I am very calm and can accept and deal with stuff... But once in a while I finally explode and do stuff I really don't want to do, but I can't seem to help it. I'll give you an example from this morning.
I've been really stressed out the past few days because of money. I had finally got some Christmas shopping done, and was on my way to finally pay off my Credit Card debt... And then on Saturday my car decided to take a shit on me. The bill, as of right now, is sitting at about $800 to fix. But I have to do it, otherwise I'm completely fucked.
So this morning I woke up to see my dad standing near the AC unit and tells me that I may have canceled Thanksgiving because I turned it on last night. I did turn it on last night, but only because my room gets incredibly hot, even with the windows open. Needless to say, his yelling at me got me pissed and I stormed back to my room to keep from doing something stupid.
He continued to yell through the door, and I ended up picking my chair up and throwing it at the wall, creating a large hole in it. Obviously... This made matters worse. For now, however, my dad has no idea what happened, and he'll find out soon enough.
The issue here is: when I get pissed I tend to break things. It has happened at EVERY apartment/house I've ever lived in. I can't help it... When I get pissed I feel like I have to break something. I've broken windows, punched holes in walls, broken controllers, smashed dishes in the wall, etc...
I was just wondering if anyone has any tips at all for me. I really, REALLY don't want to do this again, but I'm afraid I will. I'm so tired of breaking stuff for no reason... I don't know if anyone can really help me with this, but maybe writing it down will help somehow. Either way, thank you for your time.
I have a problem (regrettably since my childhood) where I get really angry at the smallest things. Normally I am very calm and can accept and deal with stuff... But once in a while I finally explode and do stuff I really don't want to do, but I can't seem to help it. I'll give you an example from this morning.
I've been really stressed out the past few days because of money. I had finally got some Christmas shopping done, and was on my way to finally pay off my Credit Card debt... And then on Saturday my car decided to take a shit on me. The bill, as of right now, is sitting at about $800 to fix. But I have to do it, otherwise I'm completely fucked.
So this morning I woke up to see my dad standing near the AC unit and tells me that I may have canceled Thanksgiving because I turned it on last night. I did turn it on last night, but only because my room gets incredibly hot, even with the windows open. Needless to say, his yelling at me got me pissed and I stormed back to my room to keep from doing something stupid.
He continued to yell through the door, and I ended up picking my chair up and throwing it at the wall, creating a large hole in it. Obviously... This made matters worse. For now, however, my dad has no idea what happened, and he'll find out soon enough.
The issue here is: when I get pissed I tend to break things. It has happened at EVERY apartment/house I've ever lived in. I can't help it... When I get pissed I feel like I have to break something. I've broken windows, punched holes in walls, broken controllers, smashed dishes in the wall, etc...
I was just wondering if anyone has any tips at all for me. I really, REALLY don't want to do this again, but I'm afraid I will. I'm so tired of breaking stuff for no reason... I don't know if anyone can really help me with this, but maybe writing it down will help somehow. Either way, thank you for your time.
urahonky on
0
Posts
Corelle Ware shatters beautifully, as do cheap wine glasses.
Therapy, now that you're older, will be a good thing. So will moving out of your dad's place.
That's a really good idea. I'd hate to clean up the mess, but it's definitely better than breaking stuff in the house again.
I moved out for 3 years, but unfortunately I ran out of money (paying for school, and my POS car breaking down every month doesn't help). Been here about 2 months, and already having a mental breakdown, heh.
First thing I have to suggest is moving out. It has to be possible. There's a way, and all it takes is planning. If your dad gets those reactions out of you, he's a source that can hinder your progress.
Having things on hand to break is probably the best way to go about releasing immediate throws of anger. The trick is that you have to cut a lot of energy, and the faster you can burn it the better. Breaking dishes isn't going to relieve much anger I think, because you aren't getting a lot of energy out through that. A punching bag works best. A personal suggestion I have is having a 'wall' of cardboard (as thick as you want / need) set up somewhere that you can take something like a baseball bat to. I used a kendo stick and knife against it whenever I had to.
That's your short term answer. You do need a long term plan to learn to not resort to that though.
All I can say for that is that you basically need support from friends. I know you've noted that therapy, when you were younger, didn't help. But things change. I'm not saying to go to therapy, but rather, your friends can have this function. The key is to talk and not yell or raise your voice too much (that was a quick turn off for my friends and they'd just leave me to my own). Talking was the bulk of my anger management, and it took a hell of a lot of years. But none of them were wasted.
To give you a sort of time frame, I started getting real help with my anger management when I was about 12. By 16, I was done with the destructive properties of it, but picked up a brooding and unwillingness to talk habit. That only really cleared up by 19 (that's pretty much when I was done with the being a kid stuff; y'know, the sort of mental growth that comes along with age). I'm almost 23 now, and usually my anger leads to direct and immediate confrontation through talking. If things get difficult, I take a time out from things and return later when I've had time to chill. A video game or two that I absolutely kick ass at helps that.
edit: Also I do not recommend spending money on shit you can break when you get angry. That isn't a solution that is just feeding the problem. I have anger issues including breaking shit but I've gotten over a lot of it within the past two years.
Shogun Streams Vidya
Spending money on things to break actually helped in my case because it provided context and control. The tactic provides something "safe" to break that's not going to cause further problems (like walls and chairs). The action of taking the stuff outside to break it in a dumpster (thus avoiding cleanup problems) gives a cooldown time and establishes a safety behavior that may prevent harm to furnishings or (worse) people. The action of buying stuff to specifically break is also an exercise in controlling the situation and the behavior, and since there's not a whole lot of cash in the equation there's more motive to control the behavior.
The other thing to keep in mind is it's better to let off a little steam more frequently than to let it bottle up til there's a complete fury going on.
Different stuff works for different people. If you've gotta break something, if that action provides a visceral release to the rage, then until the rage is under control it's better to break something worthless. Think methadone for heroin addicts.
Shogun Streams Vidya
I agree that violence isn't a healthy response to anger, and that it can be dangerous to self and others. The point is to break the habit of breaking shit by changing the habit first into something less frightening that gets the job done (c'mon, dish throwing??) and more controllable. I do not advocate dish throwing, wall punching, or laundry bag assault as a long term solutions - my specific suggestions were changing the focus of the anger response, getting back into therapy as an adult to learn more about the source and solution for the root anger that's causing the violence, and getting out of the situation that's adding fuel to the fire.
I don't know.
Please clarify that point, its going to bug me all day.
Most of what I think has already been said, but I'll reiterate that you definitely need to find something that can be an outlet for your anger. At this stage, the outlet should be a relatively violent outlet...punching bags, breaking cheap stuff, etc.
Buying your own stuff would work. Also realise that you look fucking ridiculous doing this and if you were watching yourself you would laugh at yourself.
Satans..... hints.....
Are you guys daft? He's been saying this whole time his family is so poor that even just turning on the air conditioning for too long wastes so much money that they will have no money for food. He's really really poor duders. Stop suggesting stuff like "move out"
To the OP, it helps to count when you are angry, as high as you can go. The key is to remember to do it when you get angry.
I also want to note that my dad doesn't always inhibit my rage, that was just one example. I'll try the punching bag thing. I used to punch my pillow, but that's not nearly as rewarding (or so it seems).
I wish I could tell myself there's no reason to get angry. Because you're right, there isn't a reason. But by the time I figure that out, the damage has been done. Right now I had to put spackle on the wall so get rid of the large indent I made this morning.
The problem is not being able to calm down when angry (which is very hard) but to check yourself and say "Hey, this is not worth it." when you feel like you are about to become angry.
I've been doing this by shutting my eyes, visualising somewhere calm like a tropical beach, taking a deep breath and saying in my head "Get some perspective, this isn't worth me feeling mad," when I get the feeling of the rush of blood and something stupid is about to come out of my mouth.
You may also want to try something cheaper than therapy, but as relaxing, like Tai Chi or yoga. I find it helps me just be a calmer person in general, as it gives you time to think about things in a context of serenity, and realise that hey, life is shit sometimes but it doesn't have to get you down. It's much harder to reach that realisation when you don't have that quiet time to do that thinking.