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Getting Over It
deadman jolt
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
*UPDATE: Age 26, girl 25. Way too old for this it would seem...*
Broke up 6 months ago with a girl who I was crazy over. Apparently, she was crazy over me, though the last month we were together she seemed more and more distant.
Fast forward to today, and a lot of crap that I got to go through, and I am still crazy about her. I try to go out with friends and surround myself with other people, but it doesn't seem to work. I actually dread going out on dates that have the potential for anything more than a hug goodnight.
I still talk to the ex. Hi, bye, how's your day. I anticipate the answer y'all are having is give it up stop talking to her. I've tried this several times, but I can't stand the thought of not talking to her, and I keep caving in to just to interact with her.
To STOP talking to her, I need her to push back (block me) so I can't contact her at all. I'm at my wits end with how to deal with it. I am not excited to meet anyone else.
What SPECIFICALLY do I do to stop talking to her if that is your 2 cents, or else what else is there to do?
FYI, therapy is out, tried the entire let's see if his brain is imba and it's not, and therapists are about as useful as the mirror.
Broke up 6 months ago with a girl who I was crazy over. Apparently, she was crazy over me, though the last month we were together she seemed more and more distant.
Fast forward to today, and a lot of crap that I got to go through, and I am still crazy about her. I try to go out with friends and surround myself with other people, but it doesn't seem to work. I actually dread going out on dates that have the potential for anything more than a hug goodnight.
I still talk to the ex. Hi, bye, how's your day. I anticipate the answer y'all are having is give it up stop talking to her. I've tried this several times, but I can't stand the thought of not talking to her, and I keep caving in to just to interact with her.
To STOP talking to her, I need her to push back (block me) so I can't contact her at all. I'm at my wits end with how to deal with it. I am not excited to meet anyone else.
What SPECIFICALLY do I do to stop talking to her if that is your 2 cents, or else what else is there to do?
FYI, therapy is out, tried the entire let's see if his brain is imba and it's not, and therapists are about as useful as the mirror.
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deadman jolt on
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-don't read her blog/myspace/facebook, whatever. you don't need to know. She is no longer a part of your life. You seem like you kind of want it to be that way, since you're asking how to avoid her -- just make it so. Don't obsess over her.
-Maybe have a new hobby or something you can do instead of moping around and thinking about her (I mean, if that's what you're doing).
-Try new things. food, experiences, hanging out with new groups. If you are still with the friends you had together, that will make things even more difficult.
I'm sorry this happened to you. It sucks. But you have to have the willpower, and you'll feel so much better when you can look at her later and honestly just see her as a friend. Just give yourself some time away.
Why?
Do you want to get back with her? Yes or no? YES or NO
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Do you honestly think she wants to get back together with you?
People give the advice to hang out with other people and get new hobbies because it occupies your time and makes things easier, and it is good advice. It's not the whole picture though, those are external solutions to try to help you cope with your internal emotional problems.
I think it's funny that you compare a therapist to a mirror. THat is the point of therapy. Now, don't get me wrong there are some different theoretical viewpoints, and I'm not saying therapy is the answer here, it's just... you've seemed to miss the whole point of what they are trying to do. Maybe you just went to a shitty therapist.
No amount of hobbies or new friends will solve your problems unless you decide to stop talking to her.
So the next time you talk to her, actively try to find out if she wants to get back with you, and if she does you guys can start over again. And then you won't have to go through hell, hopefully if you finally do break up someday it will be for more concrete reasons and you will get over it much quicker. But for now, this is beyond you.
If she doesn't want you back take that as a rejection. And use that as fodder for getting over this.
Win/win. This post is full of win.
A) After a month of trying to do more with her, trying to be more of a boyfriend than I felt I had been over the last 8 months, all I got from her when I ask why she was distant is "nothing." She said she wasn't excited anymore. I suggested that we should stop and she said fine, said this is what I always did. I felt that I had made the relationship something she no longer wanted, though she insists later that I was wrong.
Q) Do I think she will get back with me.
A) In the real, shitty world I live in, no. In a world more worth living in, yes.
RE: Therapy
While I may not be good at talking, I know that talking to someone who is uninvolved solves nothing. I still DO all the things that I used to enjoy, just I no longer enjoy them. I force myself to do things, to be around people, and to not sit and mope in my apartment. That is not my problem. The problem is that, like with people and other women, I don't see a point. As said earlier, I actually find myself unable to enjoy the company of other women, and people in general.
Calling this a "me" problem is a valid argument, but then what is the solution. Therapy, as I have stated, is not a solution. But, I for one am unable to look ahead on hope alone and say tomorrow will be a better day.
In my world, every next day is the worst day of my life. I need a REASON for it not to be, and hope doesn't work anymore.
Not that that solves the pining for this girl, unwanted or unwarranted as it is.
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I've been through a similar problem, and I chose to keep in touch with her. It only seems to be getting better now, after nearly a year of time and half a world of distance, and I still have to fight the urge to tell her how I've totally gotten over her and I bet she wishes she hadn't given up her chance with me.
Im also not good at faking it till I make it or any other belittling quote that says if you pretend it will be reality (in regards to doing things that make me happy). Actually, that might work, if anything else was making me happy. As it is, I just get tired without the cool runner's high.
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edit - Someone said above that you could ask her to stop talking to you. If you think she would do that, it is probably a really good idea.
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You know, dig some holes, burn some wood.
(if anyone gets either of those, mad props)
but in all seriousness, I did this in August with my ex. And the only way to get it to work was to tell her we couldn't talk anymore or see one another. It's the only thing that got us throw the mess of it all. Good luck man.
But you have to make it happen or you will feel crap, the way you do now, for a long time. You have to man up and say "Look, i'd really like us to get back together and give it another shot". She might be waiting for you to say that. Or, she might say no. If she says no then you need to make yourself realize its never going to happen, and you need to cut off all contact. It will be awful for a while, and you'll want to call her all the time, but there is no way you're going to start feeling better until you realize that your happiness does NOT depend on her being in your life. Heck, even if things ARE going to work out between you, you still need to realize that. If you're relying on her as your only source of happiness, then something is wrong.
Incidentally, its a shame you have the view of therapists that you do. Its true there are ones which arent compatible with you, but a good therapist can save you immense amounts of time in helping you sort through your thoughts.
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How you feel about your life is what matters. What others think you should feel is not at all accurate. They do not have the culmination of unique experiences that make you, you.
Actually, I feel like I'm the best I've ever been, at least if I'm looking objectively. I have a job I don't hate, co workers I like, my own place, $$$$$$ in the bank, various activities that I engage in. However, I am also the most miserable I have ever been. Because, no matter how good I've become, I still don't want anything that I have sole ability to attain. Can't control other people.
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Did you feel this miserable before you broke up? Were you possibly as distant as you thought she was?
On one hand i think you might as well ask her if she wants to give it another shot, but on the other hand, if you're this miserable, is it going to infect your relationship even if you do get back together? Is it possible this might have been the cause of her distance in the first place?
I'll post more later.
That sounds like a bullshit crutch you use to ignore good advice and do dumb shit instead.
(at least vis a vi this romance, it might lend wonderful joie de vivre to your workday world . . . but it's hurting you in this situation)
Sorry if that's blunt, but I strongly feel you need snapped out of an angle on the issue that's making you send mixed messages WHILE being clingy and preventing either of you from moving on OR reconciling, which is basically the worst of all post-breakup positions short of stalking.
Contacting her or not contacting her based on some "need" to call her is BS. You're calling her out of a subconscious entitlement, not because you can't legitimately do without hearing her impatiently trying to get you off the phone as fast as possible.
Take out your cell phone. Set the banner to "autonomy and dignity" and don't talk to her for a while.
I host a podcast about movies.
As soon as I saw this, I thought that the answer was fairly simple: at least try to get back together. It may or may not work, but if you want to be with her, give it a shot.
If that doesn't work, then follow the various advice you've been given about getting over her.
Fast forward to today (been about a month) and I still find it tough to get any joy out of everyday life without her. Now, theres something very telling about this. A healthy person does not depend on the actions or presence of another for their happiness. I'm not saying theres anything wrong with you, maybe you're just depressed about losing her which is perfectly valid but you said its been 6 months and have an active social life, good job, etc.
You say you want her back right? So use that as motivation to snap you out of this emotional craphole. Would you want to get with someone who's all depressed? Take a long hard look at why you broke up and see if there's something you could have done differently, could improve on, or can change about yourself (if you're willing to go that far). If not, clearly it wouldn't have worked out anyway and its time to take the other advice in the thread and move on. It's important not to beat yourself up about any of this (or her). Take some time now to focus on yourself. To get stronger so that you can make a real effort to win her back. After a while you may get strong enough to realize you dont need her, or can do better. Take a look at this. Really I think therapy will be your best course here but if you're not willing, you can try poking around here. I find it's helping me a lot until I'm in a place where I can get counseling on a regular basis.
Stay strong mang and try to be proactive about it. You won't feel so powerless if you're doing something
Any encouraging words for me would be much appreciated cause man this fuckin sucks
Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving!!
It is not that I am unwilling to try therapy. I have, it fails, and throwing more good money after bad is not in my to do list for things to do with any spare cash I have after rent.
Length of therapy: 4 months therapist + 3 drug combinations, blurry vision FTL
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