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Why the hell does THIS bother me so much??
Dr Sanchez
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I live in a house with three people, they're all sound and I like them a lot.
But for the last month or so, one got a girlfriend and the other two hooked up with each other. It bugs the
crap outta me.
I have very little experience with relationships, and I don’t see myself getting one for a long time. Normally
being constantly single doesn't bother me, but now I'm surrounded by happy couples flaunting their electric
relationships and its an irritating reminder that I am alone. It's so pathetic but it gets me depressed, I lose
motivation which affects crucial things like my job and more importantly my coursework.
I'd go out more, but in order to get work done I need to be in front of my computer a lot. I do get out of the
house; putting my gym membership to good use, lectures/uni work and the nights out once every week or
two weeks.
But I don't want the solution to this problem to be to avoid them more.
It's pissing me off, especially as they’re not doing anything wrong. They're all much happier in relationships
and I want them to be happy. I just don't want this to bother me. I'd never say anything to them, hell,
what would I say. "Hay guys, if you could all pretend your single when I'm around that'd be swell".
Anyway, I've been trying to get on with this new situation for a month now and it isn't getting any better.
Thoughts? Thanks.
But for the last month or so, one got a girlfriend and the other two hooked up with each other. It bugs the
crap outta me.
I have very little experience with relationships, and I don’t see myself getting one for a long time. Normally
being constantly single doesn't bother me, but now I'm surrounded by happy couples flaunting their electric
relationships and its an irritating reminder that I am alone. It's so pathetic but it gets me depressed, I lose
motivation which affects crucial things like my job and more importantly my coursework.
I'd go out more, but in order to get work done I need to be in front of my computer a lot. I do get out of the
house; putting my gym membership to good use, lectures/uni work and the nights out once every week or
two weeks.
But I don't want the solution to this problem to be to avoid them more.
It's pissing me off, especially as they’re not doing anything wrong. They're all much happier in relationships
and I want them to be happy. I just don't want this to bother me. I'd never say anything to them, hell,
what would I say. "Hay guys, if you could all pretend your single when I'm around that'd be swell".
Anyway, I've been trying to get on with this new situation for a month now and it isn't getting any better.
Thoughts? Thanks.
Dr Sanchez on
0
Posts
1) Get out there and date
2) Move out
Why are you so against the idea of a relationship? They're not half bad.
Then again, I'm not sure I could (knowing in advance) live with some of my best friends who have been couples for years... It's just too much intimacy and love in one small place.
If it's a larger place its probably less of an issue.
This is completely inappropriate.
A little jealousy can be normal. It seems like this is more than a little though and you'd probably be better off if you realized it was such, and that you need to chill the hell out.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
Anyhow, try not to rely on your room mates for your social circle if their coupleness is bothering you. Thats if you aren't already getting out and doing things with other people.
Get out of the house/apartment more. I'm assuming you're in university, and while a computer is pretty important, do you have to be on your computer at your house? Go work in a lab on campus sometimes, or if you have a laptop, find a coffee shop or somewhere to do some work.
No, really. Being bothered by other people's happiness because your genitals aren't getting enough attention for your liking is pretty much the definition of 'immature chode'. Its not an emotion one indulges, and yet here we have a collection of people basically saying 'yeah, its totally okay to be a fuckwit, how dare other people run their own lives while sharing a collection of walls and furniture with you'. Not Ok.
DrDizaster got it right. If it's effecting your motivation this much, it's time to take a step back and look things over. Appreciate everything you do have. Pour your energy and passion into your schoolwork and job and hobbies. Go for walks; they usually help clear the mind. Chin up and chill out!
The choice is yours. To be fool for hope or to be a fool for envy. You do not know what the future holds. Have more grace towards yourself and have patience. All this will be added to you if you do.
I don't really feel that anyone has said that, so far in this thread. Some have expressed empathy, but not necessarily sympathy. No one is saying "You're justified in feeling this way." What they are saying is, "We understand why you do feel that way." In fact, the only direct advice so far have been "get a girlfriend" and "move out." Understanding is not the same thing as tolerance. After all, we're all inherently flawed, and I think a little empathy can go a long way.
You could always tell your friends you feel a bit uncomfortable and if they could try and tone it down a bit when you're around. I don't think it's much to ask as they could just go to their room or something. Of course, it might be best you just get out and meet people and mingle. Not saying you need to date, but being around new people is a good way to relieve the very kind of stress you're going through.
And jesus fuck, Cat, lay off the poor guy.
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Seconded. Or from what I read in the thread, thirded?
Anyways, I think the OP should be honest about how he really feels. Is it the relationship or the lack of sex you miss out on???
You say you're on the computer a lot, right? Then put it to good use and do some social networking with it, you can meet girls that way. Sounds like you shouldn't have much trouble as you must be fit from going to the gym. Just make sure you post tasteful pictures!
But perhaps you're feeling depressed fundamentally because you hold the view that being in a relationship is somehow an objectively better position than being single? Whereas in reality it simply is a trade-off between consistent sex and emotional support (not always) versus lots of freedom to do whatever the hell you want, and lots of free time to do it in, and relatively lots of money to do it with.
Me, I like the fact that I can play my video games until 4am while drinking beer and then pass out, wake up the next day, go to a coffee house and enjoy some breakfast with newspaper in hand, then spontaneously decide to go biking or playing soccer, then get a call from some friends and go to bars with them that night... I like this lifestyle and I prefer it to having bogged down with a girlfriend.
Maybe you need to sit down and think about what you would have to give up if you got into a relationship, instead of what you would gain. And trust me, there are always more things you end up giving up than you thought you would, and less things you end up gaining than you thought you would.
There is a slightly more valid issue about your two housemates hooking up & being all couply in the house, because that isn't really what you signed up for. Having been one of the offending couple in a similar situation a while back, we both agreed that we would keep it out of the communal areas for the sake of our other flatmate when she was around, and kept couplyness to our own rooms.
You can't really suggest they should do it, as the 3rd party, but it might be an idea to raise with them when you talk about it. As for the rest of your discomfort with the situation, that's your issue, and you need to deal with it yourself.
Where to start,
I've had real bad experiances with the last two years worth of flat/housemates, I'm good friends with these people. I just want seeing them happily coupled not to bother me so much. Isn't just moving out running away from the issue? I'm bound to come up against this sort of living situation again living with another batch of people.
I'm not against the idea of having a relationship, I just don't see myself getting one. I'm open to it, but I'm not asking girls out. I haven't chased a girl in years and I don't think I have the mental stamina to do so. And being single was fine, and it never really bothered me until housemates got hooked up.
True, but I'm living in a small house with these people.
The idea of asking them that makes me squirm in my chair. I've never been forward with finding a relationship. I suppose its the typical don't try, don't fail scenario thats kept me going single for so long. Maybe one day I'll put myself out there like that, but the emotional stress and distraction of doing so really isn't what I need with it being my final year and all.
I... What?
Jealousy? Yeh, I suppose, and I know I'm overeacting. Logically I know it's stupid and I try to ignore it, emotionally, it effects me a lot. Some days not at all, other days it really does plague my mind.
If it bothers me like this I guess I must want one. I'm 21 and haven't been with a girl in ages, my logic is that if I'm not changing anything why should I be with someone any time soon? Anytime I have been with someone it's because they initiate and I accept. I suppose if there was a girl that I found real attractive then I'd try asking her out. But I haven't come across anyone thats made me want to make that effort. And I dont expect this to change anytime soon.
I already do social stuff with uni people. Maybe I've made it out that I'm a social hermit, who doesnt step outside much. I'm not like that at all, I'm just busy with work. Which means I'm at home a lot right now.
Yeh, I'd like to do that. But my course means I need my big bastard Mac for Video Editing, the computers they have at uni are terrible.
Look, I said feeling like this is pathetic, that they're not doing anything wrong and I dont want them to stop "running there own lives" for me. I just want living with relationships not to bother me so. Jeez, why did you have to drag genitals into this?
I guess that sums it up, yeah. I am appreciating stuff, and trying to chill out. I'll give walks a try next time this stresses me out.
Not a bad idea, but like I said this is a small place. And I hate the idea of entering the living room to have everyone in there pretend they're single when I'm around because it makes me feel bad. You know, it's their house and they should do what they want.
Meet people and mingle? I've never been able to strike up conversation with strangers. Even at my Mum's wedding recently I found it so difficult to mingle with my own family. I'm not socially retarded or lacking in confidance I just don't know what to say.
Im missing out on both sex and a relationship. But not having sex doesn't bother me.
Online dating, eh? I don't think I could ever come to doing that. Props to anyone whose done it successfully. But there it is again, something about looking for a relationship and putting yourself out there that I really don't like doing.
I have been in a relationship before, albiet a short one, and I agree with what you say. Appreciate the freedom, I do that already. But it's like I have just become content with being single and finding someone just isn't something I hope for anymore. And then being reminded of relationships and whatnot in my house with my friends happily hooking up, I don't want it to, but it depresses me.
I guess the action to take here is deal with it. Appreciate what you have, enjoy freedom that comes with being single. Take walks. Thanks for all the responses guys, any more advice keep it comin'.
Also it'll get better in a while, the first month or two of a relationship has couples all over each other. Over time they'll settle down a little bit and it won't be in your face as much.
how on earth does his libido have anything to do with this? There's more to a relationship than having sex. In fact, the only thing he actually mentioned regarding relationships is that his roommates' relationships are reminding him how he feels "alone"
and Dizaster didn't say it was good he said it was normal. There are a lot of negative aspects about normal human behavior that are completely natural, we just normally have to reign them in. in this thread, the OP is asking us for advice on how to do just that.
and reading these posts, how have any of these posters (prior to this quoted post) told him "it's totally okay to be a fuckwit"?
EDIT: As for advice for you Sanchez, I suppose one question you need to ask yourself is: at this stage of your life, do you want to remain single for the time being or do you feel that, deep inside, you actually do want to pursue a relationship? I'm not sure if I'm misinterpreting what you said, but is there any chance that a fear of rejection may be holding you back (looking at your "I suppose its the typical don't try, don't fail scenario thats kept me going single for so long." post, I got that impression)? if so, I'm not sure what to say that would help except that, if something works out, there's always another chance to find that special someone somewhere (corny and cliched I know).
hopefully some of that advice was useful
Uhhhh, yeah. The way I'm reading the OP's post is that his room-mates relationships and his lack of one are making him sad, he realizes that this is silly, and that his own emotions are what irritates him and he's seeking help with dealing with it. Do we really need to quote, bold, and colourize the sentences where he says he knows they aren't doing anything wrong and he's not happy with his own reaction, and that he doesn't even want to mention it to them? Or should the advice just be "get over it" cause thats ever so successful a strategy for dealing with emotions ?
Interpretation ++
On to more productive matters:
It sounds like you're being overly passive in this area. While there are (awesome) girls who will make the first move, theres still a strong social norm or pressure that the guy has to make the first move, and negative stereo types of woman who are more aggressive in this area.
Maybe its a problem with standards, or maybe you're just too busy right now anyways for a relationship. But if you don't put much effort into the area, its not really reasonable to get upset over nothing happening in that area for you.
Lanz hit this one on the nail. Some of my friends made a game out of their inability to converse with strangers. Whenever they'd go out, the permanent rule was "if she's cute and you make eye contact, you say hi." What's there to talk about? Everything! They don't know you as much as you don't know them. If you're not ready for a full-blown relationship based on two minutes of conversation, then they're just another friend waiting to be met. Family, however, is a completely different issue... O_o
Maybe this is a tad nit-picky, but if you're staying under the same roof, doesn't that means its your house as well? i.e. if everyone was smoking and that made you uncomfortable (assuming you're a non-smoker), would you speak up then? Sounds like your lack of confidence to initiate conversation is now starting to take a toll in your home as well as your (non)dating life.
Self-defeating thoughts are a terrible social handicap. Speaking up is not a guarantee to end in rejection - at least they'll know how you feel, and if they choose to continue to disregard your feelings, then moving out wouldn't be such a bad alternative. If you choose not to speak up and continue to quietly suffer, then your suffering is the result of your own actions, not theirs.
P.S. If you have time, pick up the book "Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most" by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen, & Roger Fisher. You can probably finish it in less than an hour, but the tips in there for approaching uncomfortable situations is priceless.
But for me, it's not the fact that they are in a relationship that bugs me - it's that I have to LISTEN to them be in a relationship, if you know what I mean. Either way, it's a similar situation.
My advice is not to dwell on it. If you start gnawing on your liver in jealousy, exercise some extreme force of will and tell yourself, "It's cool that they're happy. It's none of my business." And then try to improve your own situation. Confidence comes with time and experience - you can't affect time, but you CAN affect your experience. Try to get involved with stuff and get used to spending time with your roommates - you'll at least get jaded to the situation and it won't bother you as much.
Thank you, Rubacava!
Also, watch out for the two hooked up roommates. If they separate it could have some kind of disastrous consequences re: your living situation.
If this is the case, invite them to all go bowling or play a board game or Wii or something that allows you all to have fun togeother, get used to being together in a group with the new relationship status', and does not lend itself to people being "couply".
I feel for you though, no doubt there used to be a lot of 'friends time' with your roomies, which is now being replaced by 'couples time' to which you are not party. So of course you're going to feel a lot more lonely; they may be in the same space as often as they used to be, but there isn't much attention or interaction coming your way. When people have the majority of thier focus elsewhere, its extremely challanging if not outright impossible to get ones natural social needs met.
It may not even be a question of relationship jealousy, as much as you aren't getting as much time as you need, or were accustomed to. Loneliness would be a pretty natural feeling at that point, and given the forces at work making you feel that way - girlfriends and couples 'n such - it would also be natural to think that might have something to do with it. I think you've already answered that part though, you don't want a relationship any more than you usually have over the past year or so, its something else.
Maybe you just need a supplemental friend, someone you can hang out with and talk to without having to triangle it up all the time. Look over your aquaintances and see if maybe there is someone who is having the same situation, maybe they have more time to spare - or if your circle of friends is tight, hookups in one area mean that someone else who used to get that attention is now available for more (though not necessarily the same type of) attention.
Theres always a bit of a shuffle in close groups when hookups form, its part of why groups of close friends notice that breakups are sort of seasonal, its never just one, it seems like there is a cascade of ends and renewals as this shuffling takes place. Be prepared to spend some of your time with different people, because if you wait for life's default without doing anything, you may wind up being odd man out.
But as others have said, you need to figure out if you're feeling this way because you're not in a relationship, which means the problem lies more in you, or if it's because you're lonely during times where you would otherwise hang out with your housemates, wherein the problem becomes more of a house thing.
What I mean is that if you feel left out because you're not in a relationship, and they are, then it's pretty cut & dry what your feelings are truly representing. Kind of a "why me?" situation. However, if they're all suddenly being antisocial, then I'd suggest bringing it up. Call a house meeting. But if there is at all a hint of you simply wanting your own relationship, it's not going to work. If you're seriously just feeling left out and lonely, you have a gripe -- your friends have suddenly ditched you to be all lovey, leaving you in the lurch. You could point out that you don't expect them to drop everything and hang out with you 24/7, but perhaps you could organize some events together. Bowling, "euro-style" board games, etc. Make sure that these things you suggest are typical "group" activities, not "date" activities. In other words, movies are out. Dinners are out. Those kinds of events will simply emphasize the fact that you're unattached and probably make you resentful, even if you're not currently.