If a person requires external validation they are not self-reliant by definition.
Well no, people who require zero external validation are basically sociopaths. Ah, but I see the other end of your post entirely contradicted this part of it, so meh.
I remember when I was coming up to 30, deciding that long-term relationships just weren't for me, and that I would always be an outsider, and that I should stop worrying about it and just wander from country to country teaching English and learning about the world.
Then I met the ridiculous woman who ended up as my wife, and I'm sure that the peace from the above decision helped me to get together with her.
I think I'm a little too good at being alone, actually. I get along well with people, but my friendships tend to peter out, barring like one person from HS. Its not like I want to be alone, I'm just so used to it that I don't know how to maintain a social network properly :?
I think I'm a little too good at being alone, actually. I get along well with people, but my friendships tend to peter out, barring like one person from HS. Its not like I want to be alone, I'm just so used to it that I don't know how to maintain a social network properly :?
How many, err, extracurricular activities do you do? Like, besides work and school, do you attend/partake of any other regularly scheduled group meetings? Stuff like a club or casual sporting group or something of that nature
When I'm with people I talk incessantly, I get paranoid about how they view me, and I'm physically clingy. When I am away from people for too long, I will do desperate things online and when that is no longer satisfying I do desperate, irrational things in real life. I am probably at the very peak of that very-unhealthy dependent extreme most of my fellow posters seem to be opposite of.
Spending time apart has not helped me with this. The more time I spend with people, the more I normalize and the more I accept average human interaction as satisfactory human interaction. As a child I was forbidden from seeing most anyone (intervening father with poor politics), and I grew up as a bit of an unwilling hermit. It sort of spiraled into dependency from there. I have a hard time staying faithful in relationships if there are other people around with an interest in me-- and there are always such people, for whatever twisted reason.
I think that I'll learn by exposure, but most people tell me "you need to learn to be alone!" and abandon me because they think it'll help. My high school friends, over the summer, organized a formal embargo because they 'thought it would help.' It did not. I lost control and did stupid things in order to satisfy my need for contact.
I think that people have a tendency to push themselves towards what they need. Those of you who feel like sociopathic loners (some exaggeration on my part) will probably feel less so when you end up in a situation that compels you to be otherwise. Just being self-aware doesn't create motivation, I don't think-- impetus is a foreign body.
I think I'm a little too good at being alone, actually. I get along well with people, but my friendships tend to peter out, barring like one person from HS. Its not like I want to be alone, I'm just so used to it that I don't know how to maintain a social network properly :?
Keeping friends can be kind of a chore at times. It's definitely something like a long-term relationship, it's not always going to be great. Sometimes you just have to tough it out, and sometimes when you just don't goddamn feel like it, you still have to make the effort just to make it keep working.
For a long time I was addicted to always meeting new people, but after a while I came to really enjoy the pleasure derived from having long-term friendships with people. It's always exciting meeting someone new, but I swear I relate to talks about old marriages when I think about some of my old friends. The relationship just takes on another dynamic and tenor. It's just incredible.
But yeah -- it takes work, and you really kind of have to learn how to do it. It's pathetic how often I think of that goddamn nursery rhyme (make new friends, but keep the old), but the truth is that I really have come to value those people who have known me for a length of time over the ones I just meet and fall in love with. They're the ones that are, in a not cliche way I swear to god, truly in my corner.
But meh -- I can't remember why I'm in this topic anyway.
I think I'm a little too good at being alone, actually. I get along well with people, but my friendships tend to peter out, barring like one person from HS. Its not like I want to be alone, I'm just so used to it that I don't know how to maintain a social network properly :?
How many, err, extracurricular activities do you do? Like, besides work and school, do you attend/partake of any other regularly scheduled group meetings? Stuff like a club or casual sporting group or something of that nature
Not enough; I know that's part of the problem. Up until like 2 weeks ago I was studying full time, and that basically eats my life. My flatmates have all been international students too, and share a language with their friends, so I always felt awkward hanging out with them because I was effectively forcing them to speak english in their relaxation-time just by being there :P Still, I'm really shit at reaching out because I always feel like I'm intruding. Irrational. Bad habit! People who identify with this post, slap yourselves!
I think I'm a little too good at being alone, actually. I get along well with people, but my friendships tend to peter out, barring like one person from HS. Its not like I want to be alone, I'm just so used to it that I don't know how to maintain a social network properly :?
I'm considering taking up more heavily drinking when I go out again, but I really don't want to. The problem though is that it's not really very interesting most of the time when people say "hey let's go out". I want to scream "and do what?" because the answer is always "sit around and talk about stuff" and there's a limited number of anecdotes and common ground you can cover with the same people.
Also, I can't dance when not intoxicated to the tune of 3 drinks (or 1 glass of champagne I mean god damn what is the deal there?). Of course this is only a problem when concerning my girlfriend, but I'm not sure she knows what she wants in that respect either (and now we're apart, hooray me )
I'd love to go out and talk with people, but most of the places around here that aren't actually restaurants are so loud that I can't hear a thing and one has to yell the whole time. Irksome!
I'd love to go out and talk with people, but most of the places around here that aren't actually restaurants are so loud that I can't hear a thing and one has to yell the whole time. Irksome!
I love to sit up and drink with people into the wee hours of the morning.
Is sitting at home listening to MIA with 4 people and drinking like 6 shots of rum wrong? Is it wrong that after the 5th shot is when I feel closer to them than I ever will during the day? We will say things that feel like imparting secret intimiate knowledge but actually isn't, and it feels so nice.
You people should start playing pool. It's fun, you're actually doing something other than sit while you're drinking, it's easy to have a conversation while you're playing, noone gives a shit if you suck at it and depending on the type of table having a friend with skinny/long enough arms means you can play for free.
You people should start playing pool. It's fun, you're actually doing something other than sit while you're drinking, it's easy to have a conversation while you're playing, noone gives a shit if you suck at it and depending on the type of table having a friend with skinny/long enough arms means you can play for free.
You people should start playing pool. It's fun, you're actually doing something other than sit while you're drinking, it's easy to have a conversation while you're playing, noone gives a shit if you suck at it and depending on the type of table having a friend with skinny/long enough arms means you can play for free.
yes
its just the getting-other-people-to bit that is problematic. damn clubbers...
is it really the bubbles cat? i've always wondered.
I remember reading something about them supposedly delivering an extra booze hit via the sinuses, but I'm not sure that isn't complete bollocks :P i think its the mythos, mostly.
Girls who play pool are awesome, but only if they're actually trying to play well. Nothing is more annoying than the whole "haha look at me I suck because I'm a girl" thing.
Eh, being alone is like my natural state. I'm a bit of a social recluse, and most of the time I find having to force myself to take part in social events quite unpleasant. Not being into tobacco and alcohol hurts the chances for socialization too.
It's the opposite for me, I have to learn to socialize. Social interaction isn't the issue, I can do that pretty well. I just hate being around crowds, crowd being anything with more than 4-5 people around. I also tend to make few friends, somewhere in the vicinity of 2-4 at most.
I think I'm a little too good at being alone, actually. I get along well with people, but my friendships tend to peter out, barring like one person from HS. Its not like I want to be alone, I'm just so used to it that I don't know how to maintain a social network properly :?
Change HS to first year uni and that's me.
Yeah, sounds about right to me as well. I tend to get lazy about keeping in contact, and over time I just sort of forget. I'm not too socially dependant. That isn't exactly an advantage.
I don't drink, which can be a problem, but I have managed to enjoy myself on cola now and then and it's great waking up the next day without the repercussions. The trouble I have is that I just don't like most of the places to go out around here. It's very much a club culture and I just can't stand them, too loud, too squished, and the music is not to my taste, shall I say. So it puts a real stopper on the "Hey lets go out" impulse. I think once I find a place that I am comfortable with, that'll go a long way to helping.
I love being alone. Being able to do whatever the fuck I want whenever I want is a great feeling. I think this is why I've always been so hesitant to enter long-term relationships; I dread losing my freedoms.
I agree. But:
I'm always concerned that my entering a long-term "serious" relationship will disrupt my existing
relationships, which are awesome. I'm a neurotic boyfriend, and the most stable single person on the face of the earth.
It's one of the few issues that I still find myself persistently unable to deal with.
If "alone" is defined as not having not having a significant other, I am generally much happier "alone" than I am not. If "alone" is sitting by myself in my room, I hate that.
And there's nothing wrong with clubbing.
Nighttime bike rides and Double Dash parties are great non-clubbing things to do.
Basically you're all nerds, or just people who need to realise that there are things you can go out and do that aren't clubbing.
Like?
No seriously - getting other people to have ideas like that is ridiculously difficult.
Pool (for reasons stated earlier), local bands and live sport (oh football how I love you so) have had me out at least once a week on average over the last four years without ever setting foot in a club.
Basically you're all nerds, or just people who need to realise that there are things you can go out and do that aren't clubbing.
Like?
No seriously - getting other people to have ideas like that is ridiculously difficult.
Pool (for reasons stated earlier), local bands and live sport (oh football how I love you so) have had me out at least once a week on average over the last four years without ever setting foot in a club.
none of those are good ways to meet people, they're only fun if you go with good company
Basically you're all nerds, or just people who need to realise that there are things you can go out and do that aren't clubbing.
Like?
No seriously - getting other people to have ideas like that is ridiculously difficult.
Pool (for reasons stated earlier), local bands and live sport (oh football how I love you so) have had me out at least once a week on average over the last four years without ever setting foot in a club.
none of those are good ways to meet people, they're only fun if you go with good company
Hahaha that's funny because I met nearly all of my current friends doing those things.
Go play pool, that's an awesome one, go to coffee-shop, converse with fellow classpersons in schooly places, you don't have to smoke to join the conversation of the smokers wherever they're congregating either and they're almost always going to talk. Shit man I'm about as charismatic as a tree-stump and I start conversations with people at the damned grocery store that leave them smiling.
I don't think it's about learning to be alone, it's about learning to be happy with yourself before trying to be happy with someone else.
This is what people are actually trying to say when they talk about "Learning to be alone".
The idea being that finding someone else to be in a relationship with isn't gonna fix you. You'll just bring your problems into the relationship with you.
Can we not turn this into a competition in which all you people posting at home alone try to one-up each other on how smooth your social skills are? That would be rad.
Can we not turn this into a competition in which all you people posting at home alone try to one-up each other on how smooth your social skills are? That would be rad.
Fine then, I don't start conversations with people in grocery-stores, but it can be done, and sometimes they might want to hang out outside of a grocery-buying context.
Can we not turn this into a competition in which all you people posting at home alone try to one-up each other on how smooth your social skills are? That would be rad.
Fine then
Social interaction is impossible if you can't dance well because because the only things you can do when you leave the house are work and go clubbing.
Can we not turn this into a competition in which all you people posting at home alone try to one-up each other on how smooth your social skills are? That would be rad.
Fine then
Social interaction is impossible if you can't dance well because because the only things you can do when you leave the house are work and go clubbing.
Or drinking. Or...or what, is what I find myself wondering with disturbing frequency. BBQs, the beach. Um? I just find the "drink/eat something and talk" idea depressing. I like work and doing things. But apparently these are to be avoided because work is the devil that we labor under?
It's strange, because everyone says that being comfortable with yourself and being alone leads to self-sufficiency and confidence, which in turn makes you a more attractive person. This has not been the case with me.
Barring a few two-to-three month relationships with insane girls, I've been single all my life. In a lot of ways I prefer being alone to having to share a space with other people, because in my experience, a lot of the people I've had to live with are annoying, slobbish, unhygenic, inconsiderate, gossipy, etc. I find I hate waking up with a girl in my bed because her presence is just uncomfortable for me. Like she's corrupting my sacred "me" space, or something.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a misanthrope and do enjoy hanging out with other people, but living with them or being with them over extended periods of time? No. I need a place to be by myself to keep functional and sane.
I suppose that what I am trying to say is that, in living alone and enjoying having an empty space in which to think, I've developed standards that are pretty impossible for other people to meet. I tend to think, "If I can cook and clean up after myself and keep in shape and manage my affairs efficiently and be confident and self-suffienct and blah blah blah, why can't they?" I remember, when breaking up with an ex-girlfriend, I complained that her problem was that she couldn't handle being by herself and that it made her selfish and needy, and then she fired back by saying that I couldn't handle not being by myself and that this made me selfish and needy.
In other words, learning to be alone has only served to make me overly critical, physically/emotionally distant and kind of intimidating (which aren't terribly attractive qualities at all, and I'm working on it). You kind of have to be careful not to let yourself get too self-sufficient and self-reliant, or else you start holding people to the same standards by which you hold yourself - and no one can really match your standards, seeing as they are their own people. There's certainly a happy medium to be had; you HAVE to trust and relate to other people, sometimes.
Can we not turn this into a competition in which all you people posting at home alone try to one-up each other on how smooth your social skills are? That would be rad.
Fine then
Social interaction is impossible if you can't dance well because because the only things you can do when you leave the house are work and go clubbing.
Or drinking. Or...or what, is what I find myself wondering with disturbing frequency. BBQs, the beach. Um? I just find the "drink/eat something and talk" idea depressing. I like work and doing things. But apparently these are to be avoided because work is the devil that we labor under?
I tried talking about what the "or what" is in my case but then The Cat said I wasn't allowed to anymore.
Eh, being alone is like my natural state. I'm a bit of a social recluse, and most of the time I find having to force myself to take part in social events quite unpleasant. Not being into tobacco and alcohol hurts the chances for socialization too.
It's the opposite for me, I have to learn to socialize. Social interaction isn't the issue, I can do that pretty well. I just hate being around crowds, crowd being anything with more than 4-5 people around. I also tend to make few friends, somewhere in the vicinity of 2-4 at most.
That's me to a tee. It also doesn't help that most people in my area of the world are either people I don't really have anything in common with, or are just dumbasses. Yay rural, white trash America.
Can we not turn this into a competition in which all you people posting at home alone try to one-up each other on how smooth your social skills are? That would be rad.
Fine then
Social interaction is impossible if you can't dance well because because the only things you can do when you leave the house are work and go clubbing.
Different places have different social practises. It's very much a club culture around these here parts. Otherwise I'll go to a pub with live music, even though it's too loud to talk and the music is not really my cup o tea, it's still better than a club.
Posts
Then I met the ridiculous woman who ended up as my wife, and I'm sure that the peace from the above decision helped me to get together with her.
How many, err, extracurricular activities do you do? Like, besides work and school, do you attend/partake of any other regularly scheduled group meetings? Stuff like a club or casual sporting group or something of that nature
Spending time apart has not helped me with this. The more time I spend with people, the more I normalize and the more I accept average human interaction as satisfactory human interaction. As a child I was forbidden from seeing most anyone (intervening father with poor politics), and I grew up as a bit of an unwilling hermit. It sort of spiraled into dependency from there. I have a hard time staying faithful in relationships if there are other people around with an interest in me-- and there are always such people, for whatever twisted reason.
I think that I'll learn by exposure, but most people tell me "you need to learn to be alone!" and abandon me because they think it'll help. My high school friends, over the summer, organized a formal embargo because they 'thought it would help.' It did not. I lost control and did stupid things in order to satisfy my need for contact.
I think that people have a tendency to push themselves towards what they need. Those of you who feel like sociopathic loners (some exaggeration on my part) will probably feel less so when you end up in a situation that compels you to be otherwise. Just being self-aware doesn't create motivation, I don't think-- impetus is a foreign body.
For a long time I was addicted to always meeting new people, but after a while I came to really enjoy the pleasure derived from having long-term friendships with people. It's always exciting meeting someone new, but I swear I relate to talks about old marriages when I think about some of my old friends. The relationship just takes on another dynamic and tenor. It's just incredible.
But yeah -- it takes work, and you really kind of have to learn how to do it. It's pathetic how often I think of that goddamn nursery rhyme (make new friends, but keep the old), but the truth is that I really have come to value those people who have known me for a length of time over the ones I just meet and fall in love with. They're the ones that are, in a not cliche way I swear to god, truly in my corner.
But meh -- I can't remember why I'm in this topic anyway.
Not enough; I know that's part of the problem. Up until like 2 weeks ago I was studying full time, and that basically eats my life. My flatmates have all been international students too, and share a language with their friends, so I always felt awkward hanging out with them because I was effectively forcing them to speak english in their relaxation-time just by being there :P Still, I'm really shit at reaching out because I always feel like I'm intruding. Irrational. Bad habit! People who identify with this post, slap yourselves!
But yeah, this isn't H/A-me so I should shut up
Also, I can't dance when not intoxicated to the tune of 3 drinks (or 1 glass of champagne I mean god damn what is the deal there?). Of course this is only a problem when concerning my girlfriend, but I'm not sure she knows what she wants in that respect either (and now we're apart, hooray me
I'd love to go out and talk with people, but most of the places around here that aren't actually restaurants are so loud that I can't hear a thing and one has to yell the whole time. Irksome!
Is sitting at home listening to MIA with 4 people and drinking like 6 shots of rum wrong? Is it wrong that after the 5th shot is when I feel closer to them than I ever will during the day? We will say things that feel like imparting secret intimiate knowledge but actually isn't, and it feels so nice.
https://medium.com/@alascii
https://medium.com/@alascii
Pool is great.
yes
its just the getting-other-people-to bit that is problematic. damn clubbers...
It's the opposite for me, I have to learn to socialize. Social interaction isn't the issue, I can do that pretty well. I just hate being around crowds, crowd being anything with more than 4-5 people around. I also tend to make few friends, somewhere in the vicinity of 2-4 at most.
Yeah, sounds about right to me as well. I tend to get lazy about keeping in contact, and over time I just sort of forget. I'm not too socially dependant. That isn't exactly an advantage.
I don't drink, which can be a problem, but I have managed to enjoy myself on cola now and then and it's great waking up the next day without the repercussions. The trouble I have is that I just don't like most of the places to go out around here. It's very much a club culture and I just can't stand them, too loud, too squished, and the music is not to my taste, shall I say. So it puts a real stopper on the "Hey lets go out" impulse. I think once I find a place that I am comfortable with, that'll go a long way to helping.
I agree. But:
I'm always concerned that my entering a long-term "serious" relationship will disrupt my existing
relationships, which are awesome. I'm a neurotic boyfriend, and the most stable single person on the face of the earth.
It's one of the few issues that I still find myself persistently unable to deal with.
No seriously - getting other people to have ideas like that is ridiculously difficult.
And there's nothing wrong with clubbing.
Nighttime bike rides and Double Dash parties are great non-clubbing things to do.
none of those are good ways to meet people, they're only fun if you go with good company
This is what people are actually trying to say when they talk about "Learning to be alone".
The idea being that finding someone else to be in a relationship with isn't gonna fix you. You'll just bring your problems into the relationship with you.
Fine then, I don't start conversations with people in grocery-stores, but it can be done, and sometimes they might want to hang out outside of a grocery-buying context.
Social interaction is impossible if you can't dance well because because the only things you can do when you leave the house are work and go clubbing.
Barring a few two-to-three month relationships with insane girls, I've been single all my life. In a lot of ways I prefer being alone to having to share a space with other people, because in my experience, a lot of the people I've had to live with are annoying, slobbish, unhygenic, inconsiderate, gossipy, etc. I find I hate waking up with a girl in my bed because her presence is just uncomfortable for me. Like she's corrupting my sacred "me" space, or something.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a misanthrope and do enjoy hanging out with other people, but living with them or being with them over extended periods of time? No. I need a place to be by myself to keep functional and sane.
I suppose that what I am trying to say is that, in living alone and enjoying having an empty space in which to think, I've developed standards that are pretty impossible for other people to meet. I tend to think, "If I can cook and clean up after myself and keep in shape and manage my affairs efficiently and be confident and self-suffienct and blah blah blah, why can't they?" I remember, when breaking up with an ex-girlfriend, I complained that her problem was that she couldn't handle being by herself and that it made her selfish and needy, and then she fired back by saying that I couldn't handle not being by myself and that this made me selfish and needy.
In other words, learning to be alone has only served to make me overly critical, physically/emotionally distant and kind of intimidating (which aren't terribly attractive qualities at all, and I'm working on it). You kind of have to be careful not to let yourself get too self-sufficient and self-reliant, or else you start holding people to the same standards by which you hold yourself - and no one can really match your standards, seeing as they are their own people. There's certainly a happy medium to be had; you HAVE to trust and relate to other people, sometimes.
That's me to a tee. It also doesn't help that most people in my area of the world are either people I don't really have anything in common with, or are just dumbasses. Yay rural, white trash America.
Different places have different social practises. It's very much a club culture around these here parts. Otherwise I'll go to a pub with live music, even though it's too loud to talk and the music is not really my cup o tea, it's still better than a club.