Is it bad that when people say "I'm much better off alone- people tend to be annoying anyway" that I hear "I'm hurtin really bad and have got all these nice walls to protect myself"?
Can we not turn this into a competition in which all you people posting at home alone try to one-up each other on how smooth your social skills are? That would be rad.
Fine then
Social interaction is impossible if you can't dance well because because the only things you can do when you leave the house are work and go clubbing.
Or drinking. Or...or what, is what I find myself wondering with disturbing frequency. BBQs, the beach. Um? I just find the "drink/eat something and talk" idea depressing. I like work and doing things. But apparently these are to be avoided because work is the devil that we labor under?
A lot of people aren't interested in your work. You're not going to have much social interaction with those people if work is the only thing you do. No one is claiming that work is the great satan, work is a fine place to interact with people. The idea, though, is to try to interact with multiple people in multiple places.
Is it bad that when people say "I'm much better off alone- people tend to be annoying anyway" that I hear "I'm hurtin really bad and have got all these nice walls to protect myself"?
I don't think it's "bad." A gross generalization, yes, but not bad.
In my case, I feel burned out by other people most of the time. My physical disability means that I typically always have someone tagging along with me to help me with my physical needs. The small amount of time I have by myself is a treasure I guard closely. Because of this, I'm not exactly relationship material. I already have a small amount of time where I can find peace and quiet -- why would I want to fill that with yet another person? I get stubborn and...well, become a raging asshole when I feel like someone else is intruding on my limited personal time.
Another drawback is that I'm seemingly everyone's personal psychiatrist. The various people that are in my life all come to me as a metaphorical shoulder to cry on. I'm apparently a pretty good listener and tend to offer sound advice (not that it's hard when it's answering questions like "Do you think I should stay with my husband? I mean, he only put my head through the wall and choked our son."). After a while you get to the point where you want to scream "Why can't you figure out your own goddamn problems?!" So, that's another portion of the "burnout" factor.
It's also not an exaggeration when I state that, on top of all that, I have very little in common with a lot of other people in my little slice of the world. It's hard fitting into the whole "I'm a NASCAR loving, country music loving, chain smoking Christian conservative" crowd when you hate NASCAR, hate country music, despise smoking, and are an atheistic moderate-to-liberal, to say nothing about being a man in his late 20's that enjoys video games, anime, and other geeky things.
I don't think learning to be wholly independant of others is necessarily healthy. The ability to exist alone without depending on others is a good ability to have, but I think it's better as a last resort kind of thing. I know I don't want to learn how to be content alone. I really don't, because I don't think people should be content as loners; I think people should interact and, more importantly, I think people should want to interact. So, really, the whole "learn to be alone" thing has some merit because there are going to be times for many people where you will find yourself alone despite wanting otherwise, and it's good to be physically and psychologically prepared for this, but I don't agree with the implication that people should rigorously train themselves to be happy when they are alone. Not one bit. I don't want to be as happy alone as I am with others I trust, care about, and enjoy the company of.
Yeah, I'm of the opinion that at some point, "learning to be alone" becomes "learning far too well to be alone." It's learning to be around others that becomes a problem, because you get completely out of practice and inexperienced. And because this has sort become a confessional for geeks, here's my anecdotal evidence. I'm 28, never had a girlfriend (or a boyfriend, not that it's in issue in this case, but just to clarify,) and I'm finding it increasingly unlikely that I ever will. Hell, it wasn't even until this year that I even kissed a girl. And the problem, beyond the increasingly obvious inability to find girls in the first place, is that I have no idea what I'm doing at this point. I haven't had enough dates to really know how to act, and I am absolutely useless at knowing when a girl even likes me. God help me if I ever get into a situation where I can have sex; I'd be more likely to pilot the space shuttle correctly at this point.
I'm not a complete shut-in, either. I have my own apartment with a roomate (though since he got a girlfriend, he's almost never here,) I work, and I even run D&D games (woo, I bet THAT hobby's a shock!) I'm just an introvert so far behind on his social skills, I don't think I'll ever catch up. And, yes, the fact that I hate this and really want it to change may suggest that I still need to learn to be alone, or have self-confidence issues, or something. Fine, but after a certain point, isn't being depressed about this sort of thing the healthy option? I mean, unless you're totally uninterested in a relationship, saying "I have never had a single intimate romantic relationship but I'm cool with that," just strikes me more as denial, doesn't it?
And yes, recent events have made my reaction to this subject stronger than normal, but this ain't the H/A thread, as others pointed out.
EmperorSeth on
You know what? Nanowrimo's cancelled on account of the world is stupid.
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Magus`The fun has been DOUBLED!Registered Userregular
edited November 2007
I don't like crowds. In fact, I can't say I really like people that much. But at the same time I always want someone to talk to. It's not uncommon for me to strike up conversations with random people in order to do just this.
I prefer girls over guys for friends. Not just because of visual reasons, but because I have slightly more in common with female interest than I do male. That being said, I tend to hang out with women in their late 20s/early 30s as I find they make for excellent conversations and I don't find myself dumbing myself down (no offense to anyone, I know there are tons of smart people my age of both genders).
Once we hit the age range of 40+ I get along with fucking anyone. It's like.. when I talk to someone in my own age group (early 20s) I feel really awkward and I have to really work at it. Conversation is ANYTHING but smooth. Doesn't mean I don't try, but it rarely goes well for me. As expected, I spend a lot more time talking to my teachers than my peers.
The biggest problem I have is I'm so not used to someone giving me the time of day that when I do it's extremely hard for me to not smother them with attention. I know I do it, I know it's bad, and I really try not to. It's like a starving man with a full fridge. If he could just eat slowly, he'd have food to last for weeks upon weeks, but because he's so fucking hungry it's hard not to just gorge himself while he has the ability.
I'm told by a lot of my (older) friends to just wait until I get out into the working force and I should have a much easier time socializing. Here's hoping.
For me, it's almost the exact opposite. I was an only child and my mom is a little messed in the head so she never *made* me go out and make friends. So I just grew up finding my own entertainment (hence the love of gaming) and hobbies.
You just don't want to become self-absorbed to the point that you become antisocial. You still got to have friends, you still need to go hang out and chat people up and put yourself out there
Extroverts are energized by people, and wilt or fade when alone. They often seem bored by themselves, in both senses of the expression. Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially "on," we introverts need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly two hours alone for every hour of socializing. This isn't antisocial. It isn't a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. Our motto: "I'm okay, you're okay—in small doses."
For me, it's almost the exact opposite. I was an only child and my mom is a little messed in the head so she never *made* me go out and make friends. So I just grew up finding my own entertainment (hence the love of gaming) and hobbies.
You just don't want to become self-absorbed to the point that you become antisocial. You still got to have friends, you still need to go hang out and chat people up and put yourself out there
Being antisocial has the potential to make life spectacularly difficult. Being pretty introverted by nature, I've had to force myself to have social contact. I don't like it, but I recognize the importance of socializing. Still, finding clubbing, dancing and drinking all unpleasant can seriously hinder the options. Finding like-minded people is quite difficult, as they'd be equally introverted.:P
Extroverts are energized by people, and wilt or fade when alone. They often seem bored by themselves, in both senses of the expression. Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially "on," we introverts need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly two hours alone for every hour of socializing. This isn't antisocial. It isn't a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. Our motto: "I'm okay, you're okay—in small doses."
I seem to have the same issues as a couple of others in this thread. Back when I lived in Houston, I was in a huge metropolitan center with plenty to do, and I could find plenty of other like-minded people to socialize with as necessary.
Now, I live in upstate rural New York, in the middle of bumfuck nowhere. The nearest town is at most 20,000 people, and I can't find people who enjoy the same activities as I do, much less that I can relate to. I am perfectly fine being on my own, I just need to get out every so often; I recognize that it's necessary to socialize, I am just in such a rural area that everything I enjoy doing seems to be online.
I'm actually interested in this as a side topic of discussion: what activities are out there for those of us who don't like drinking, bars, or clubs, yet still want to socialize? Bring my computer to a coffee shop and strike up a conversation? The local library? Clubbing baby seals?
Making friends when you have 0 friends to start with is kind of hard. Majority of friends are made through friends. Or at work.
Well, when you just moved to the area, dont have many friends to start with. And I am in the military, so most of the people I meet there are downright fucking retards compared to what I'm used to.
Thinking back over the last four years I can trace all of my current friends back to about 3 friends who I straight out met and became friends with on my own. The first by being in a group with them for an orientation week project at uni, the other two by talking to them on a football forum and then meeting up with them at a game.
I'm not referring to those saying "I like being by myself a lot" or "I hate large crowds" so much as those saying "I stay by myself because I don't like people".
Cuz, you know, that's sort of the definition of a misanthrope.
ElJeffe on
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Making friends when you have 0 friends to start with is kind of hard. Majority of friends are made through friends. Or at work.
Well, when you just moved to the area, dont have many friends to start with. And I am in the military, so most of the people I meet there are downright fucking retards compared to what I'm used to.
Man same here. My last unit I was with the coolest bunch of dudes I have ever hung out with. We all became friends because we were stuck on a boat with each other for awhile. We were all kind of different with a couple who like games and a couple who were really into music and the token drunk guys. I wouldn't have been friends with any of these people though if it wasn't for having to talk to them each day.
Now I moved to Hampton Roads and my new job is either with old 40+ year old men or dudes whos idea of fun is shooting deer. I do actively look for stuff out here I find nothing that would give me people of similar intrests. I'm going to that MAGfest in hopes of meeting some group. I'm also doing that OkCupid thing which is actually working out well except if you try to look at another dudes profile then you are automatically considered gay apparently.
I'm a loner by heart though. I just feel good being alone and falling back into my daydreams and geek shit but I have broke out of my shell awhile back. It is hard starting over again in your 20s looking for buddies. Kinda like what Randall said in Clerks 2.
I don't think my comfort with being alone is helping me around people. I get emotionally and literally tired of being around people in a social context, eventually bored (but not initially). My ratio for finding silence more interesting than moments where people are talking to me is unusually high. And I really mean the "talking to me" part, because I am fairly comfortable listening to other people talk to each other.
Yeah, this hurts me with girls, but I think I'm going to wade through the big ocean for a few years more and see if I can find one that I can have long-term mutual tolerance with, before I try to shift my personality.
I basically have experienced and continue to experience both sides of the spectrum. Now, I've been 'alone' in the sense of a relationship for many years now, and it has taken its toll on me. I can't for instance picture myself with anyone anymore, and when I begin to pursue a relationship I find it isn't worth it due to the stress. I only really feel the "sickening urge to find someone" once in a blue moon nowadays, and while it is still annoying as hell I manage to feel sated and happy the remainder of the time.
On the opposite end, I go to college so I am surrounded by newly made friends quite frequently, and I have a job wherein I am basically a conversationalist interacting with many, many strangers in person while having fun with co-workers (salesman).
I am very much comfortable being by my lonesome, and I am comfortable in social situations and can basically maneuver much more effectively than even I expect of myself.
In a way I think I have learned to be alone, while at the same time maintaining an aptitude for social interaction. Its really only the unavoidable and instinctual urge to find a partner that unbalances me.
Shurakai on
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HacksawJ. Duggan Esq.Wrestler at LawRegistered Userregular
In a way I think I have learned to be alone, while at the same time maintaining an aptitude for social interaction. Its really only the unavoidable and instinctual urge to find a partner that unbalances me.
This is me. That sticker about the innate desire to find a mate is the one thing that throws me off the most. Without that my life would be so much easier.
Yeah after reading your post Shurakai, I have to admit when I typed this out:
Yeah, this hurts me with girls, but I think I'm going to wade through the big ocean for a few years more and see if I can find one that I can have long-term mutual tolerance with, before I try to shift my personality.
I was lying to make myself not seem pathetic. The truth is if I can't find someone to be happy with as I am, I'm not going to change even at the prospect of living and dying alone. I feel ashamed to be ok with that, but I am.
In a way I think I have learned to be alone, while at the same time maintaining an aptitude for social interaction. Its really only the unavoidable and instinctual urge to find a partner that unbalances me.
This is me. That sticker about the innate desire to find a mate is the one thing that throws me off the most. Without that my life would be so much easier.
I see the innate desire to find a mate (not to mention the physical ramifications,) but also the desire to be just identified and, to put it simply, loved, as factoring in my desire. I mean, yes, I have a loving family, friends, and the like, but that's not the same. If you're family's relatively decent, it usually doesn't take much for them to maintain their love, besides just not being an asshole. And friends are great, but there's a definate difference between "Hey, he's a good guy and a great DM," and "I think about you all the time. I get nervous just being with you. In time, I'd want to spend the rest of my life with you." I miss having that sense that someone out there, someone you yourself care about and think is special, also thinks you are just as special. Hell, the dawning realization that I'm not that person is what's making me give up on the woman I probably wasted months worrying about.
EmperorSeth on
You know what? Nanowrimo's cancelled on account of the world is stupid.
I'm with Spawnbroker, I'm slightly stumped as far as those kinds of activities go.
Yeah, you put me in a purely social situation like a bar or a club or etc, where unless the alcohol is really loosening me up, I'm going to wilt in that sort of situation most of the time.
For me, it's sports or just anything that has a goal or something you work together towards. So when I'm working with someone, even with someone who has radically different interests than I, I excel at what I call "work-socializing" cracking a joke, keeping things light and loose even though we're performing a job. Or even outside of work. When I go to our climbing wall, it's easy to chat the new people up and socialize because you're working toward a common goal, having fun while climbing/working out/playing sports/doing a hobby/ etc. (shameless plug for rock climbing: when you get over your fear of heights from climbing, getting over any fears you may have of socializing get a lot easier. You just climbed this big fucking mountain and laughed in the face of death, so casually chatting up some random hot chick or anyone for that matter gets way easier)
This really is a silly thing, but I can't deny that it does work. Find some popular girly show. For me it was America's Next Top Model and just watch it even if you hate it. 1. you might actually learn to like it, and secondly, and more importantly. It gives you a bigger chance at having a common interest with a girl. It gives you something to talk about, which leads to other possible common interests, which leads to more talking, which can lead to more things ;-) I think for some people, having an good conversation where you just click with a person is more important than the actual topic of conversation itself if you take my meaning. So just pick up the ball and run with it.
But yeah, socializing is a chore for me. Sometimes its very easy but sometimes even just simple small talk is just so draining to me and I have to go into Introvert mode and recharge.
In today's society, 'Introvert' seems to translate in most peoples' minds into 'Social failure, and probably a total loser of a nerd'. People don't seem to realise that not everyone enjoys getting drunk and going to loud clubs to dance to shitty music.
As far as women go, being picky severely hurts my situation. Imagine there being 100 women. I can stand maybe 10 of them personality-wise. Out of those, I might like two or three, and they're always taken. Meh. I'm not going to change my personality just to get laid. Integrity is one thing I'm kind of proud about, and I won't sell it just to get some. I also don't see the point in starting a relationship that doesn't have the possibility of leading to something. Why waste my time with something that doesn't pay off in time (There being a future is what I mean with this).
When I think about this type of thing, it's always about being not being co-dependent.
As in, if I fall down, can I get back up on my feet by myself? or do I need a crutch to lean on to do it?
Because if you can't get back up on your own, then your relationship just isn't going to work in the end. This can be hard to understand for someone who hasn't had periods in their life of being dependent on something and self destructive, but to me it makes perfect sense. And at the same time, I've been lucky enough to love someone completely - so I know how important that other person can be. So I've learned (through lots of failure and a modest amount of success) that until you can stand on your own two feet, and can get right back up on them if you ever do slip, you can't be in a healthy relationship, because all you will end up doing is turning that girl you love into your own personal crutch, and pushing all your problems onto her and your relationship.
In today's society, 'Introvert' seems to translate in most peoples' minds into 'Social failure, and probably a total loser of a nerd'. People don't seem to realise that not everyone enjoys getting drunk and going to loud clubs to dance to shitty music.
During college, I was with friends doing stuff pretty much every damned night, and I think that loud clubs and booze accounted for 0.001% of my time.
The problem is people who think that the only way to be extroverted is to go get drunk and dance.
ElJeffe on
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In today's society, 'Introvert' seems to translate in most peoples' minds into 'Social failure, and probably a total loser of a nerd'. People don't seem to realise that not everyone enjoys getting drunk and going to loud clubs to dance to shitty music.
During college, I was with friends doing stuff pretty much every damned night, and I think that loud clubs and booze accounted for 0.001% of my time.
The problem is people who think that the only way to be extroverted is to go get drunk and dance.
It seems to me the problem is that people want to be told it's okay to avoid people all the time, and so try to present a couple activities they don't like as if they were the only options for social interaction.
Okay, I think I worded my post badly. I do plenty of stuff with my friends that doesn't count for drinking/clubbing/lolz, but I meant that in the college/university/whatever culture, a lot of events include stuff that I don't enjoy, like dancing and drinking. There's other stuff to do, I don't deny that. I meant to say that not enjoying these things decreases your opportunities for interaction, not as an absolute 'get drunk and dance, or you suck and should die alone'. I think I won't say more about this, as I'm liable to descend to contradicting myself and whatnot, as my thought process gets cluttered, and consequently stop making sense.
yeah, that's true. I'm kinda outgrowing the whole binge-drinking thing - I only really drink on the weekends now, where as I used to booze it up 4 or 5 nights a week. But being almost 23 . . that shit gets old. Problem is, I'm still in college, and so when the weekend rolls around it's basically the who can get more fucked up competition.
yeah, that's true. I'm kinda outgrowing the whole binge-drinking thing - I only really drink on the weekends now, where as I used to booze it up 4 or 5 nights a week. But being almost 23 . . that shit gets old. Problem is, I'm still in college, and so when the weekend rolls around it's basically the who can get more fucked up competition.
Don't any of your friends have conversations when they congregate to drink? Because at that point there's not really a competition to get drunkest fastest, or if there is it's usually only between two or three out of a dozen people. You can drink alcohol without just going and deliberately getting as smashed as possible. It helps if you buy something that's not Natty.
yeah, that's true. I'm kinda outgrowing the whole binge-drinking thing - I only really drink on the weekends now, where as I used to booze it up 4 or 5 nights a week. But being almost 23 . . that shit gets old. Problem is, I'm still in college, and so when the weekend rolls around it's basically the who can get more fucked up competition.
Don't any of your friends have conversations when they congregate to drink? Because at that point there's not really a competition to get drunkest fastest, or if there is it's usually only between two or three out of a dozen people. You can drink alcohol without just going and deliberately getting as smashed as possible. It helps if you buy something that's not Natty.
This makes sense until you factor in that me and my friends play boozeball.
The best drinking game ever that just can't be turned down. And I would actually say that it has contributed greatly to how drunk I get at school now. My drinking career peaked as a sophmore . . . fall semester was just a blur, and then spring semester I became legal to drink. Junior year it slowed down a lot, and now boozeball has re-ignited the heavy drinking. Now, absent of boozeball, I prefer to drink some sam or magic hat and converse about current events and such.
In today's society, 'Introvert' seems to translate in most peoples' minds into 'Social failure, and probably a total loser of a nerd'. People don't seem to realise that not everyone enjoys getting drunk and going to loud clubs to dance to shitty music.
During college, I was with friends doing stuff pretty much every damned night, and I think that loud clubs and booze accounted for 0.001% of my time.
The problem is people who think that the only way to be extroverted is to go get drunk and dance.
My problem is that every activity I do that is remotely extroverted is almost guaranteed to contain zero cute, single women. Everyone involves is either already seeing someone or, well, geriatric. Stupid Unitarian Universalists...
EmperorSeth on
You know what? Nanowrimo's cancelled on account of the world is stupid.
yeah, that's true. I'm kinda outgrowing the whole binge-drinking thing - I only really drink on the weekends now, where as I used to booze it up 4 or 5 nights a week. But being almost 23 . . that shit gets old. Problem is, I'm still in college, and so when the weekend rolls around it's basically the who can get more fucked up competition.
Don't any of your friends have conversations when they congregate to drink? Because at that point there's not really a competition to get drunkest fastest, or if there is it's usually only between two or three out of a dozen people. You can drink alcohol without just going and deliberately getting as smashed as possible. It helps if you buy something that's not Natty.
This makes sense until you factor in that me and my friends play boozeball.
The best drinking game ever that just can't be turned down.
That's what they say about beer-pong here. Which I have yet to play, because I don't go to parties to get wasted, I go to parties to drink and socialize with friends.
yeah, that's true. I'm kinda outgrowing the whole binge-drinking thing - I only really drink on the weekends now, where as I used to booze it up 4 or 5 nights a week. But being almost 23 . . that shit gets old. Problem is, I'm still in college, and so when the weekend rolls around it's basically the who can get more fucked up competition.
Don't any of your friends have conversations when they congregate to drink? Because at that point there's not really a competition to get drunkest fastest, or if there is it's usually only between two or three out of a dozen people. You can drink alcohol without just going and deliberately getting as smashed as possible. It helps if you buy something that's not Natty.
This makes sense until you factor in that me and my friends play boozeball.
The best drinking game ever that just can't be turned down.
That's what they say about beer-pong here. Which I have yet to play, because I don't go to parties to get wasted, I go to parties to drink and socialize with friends.
Beer pong is some pussy bullshit thats boring as hell. Boozeball is God.
Imagine a drinking game that is as fun as an actual sport to play, involves teams of 2 to 5 people and includes actual defensive tactics, yet its goal is to drink as quickly as possible.
That sounds like it would only be fun if my objective was to get plastered. An objective I could accomplish more easily by playing 3-man with a bottle of Jack instead of a beer. It's funny when waterfalls come up.
But see my liver and I had a long talk and we decided that we're going to try to stay together forever and well that put a stop to that.
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A lot of people aren't interested in your work. You're not going to have much social interaction with those people if work is the only thing you do. No one is claiming that work is the great satan, work is a fine place to interact with people. The idea, though, is to try to interact with multiple people in multiple places.
I don't think it's "bad." A gross generalization, yes, but not bad.
In my case, I feel burned out by other people most of the time. My physical disability means that I typically always have someone tagging along with me to help me with my physical needs. The small amount of time I have by myself is a treasure I guard closely. Because of this, I'm not exactly relationship material. I already have a small amount of time where I can find peace and quiet -- why would I want to fill that with yet another person? I get stubborn and...well, become a raging asshole when I feel like someone else is intruding on my limited personal time.
Another drawback is that I'm seemingly everyone's personal psychiatrist. The various people that are in my life all come to me as a metaphorical shoulder to cry on. I'm apparently a pretty good listener and tend to offer sound advice (not that it's hard when it's answering questions like "Do you think I should stay with my husband? I mean, he only put my head through the wall and choked our son."). After a while you get to the point where you want to scream "Why can't you figure out your own goddamn problems?!" So, that's another portion of the "burnout" factor.
It's also not an exaggeration when I state that, on top of all that, I have very little in common with a lot of other people in my little slice of the world. It's hard fitting into the whole "I'm a NASCAR loving, country music loving, chain smoking Christian conservative" crowd when you hate NASCAR, hate country music, despise smoking, and are an atheistic moderate-to-liberal, to say nothing about being a man in his late 20's that enjoys video games, anime, and other geeky things.
tldr;
I'm not a complete shut-in, either. I have my own apartment with a roomate (though since he got a girlfriend, he's almost never here,) I work, and I even run D&D games (woo, I bet THAT hobby's a shock!) I'm just an introvert so far behind on his social skills, I don't think I'll ever catch up. And, yes, the fact that I hate this and really want it to change may suggest that I still need to learn to be alone, or have self-confidence issues, or something. Fine, but after a certain point, isn't being depressed about this sort of thing the healthy option? I mean, unless you're totally uninterested in a relationship, saying "I have never had a single intimate romantic relationship but I'm cool with that," just strikes me more as denial, doesn't it?
And yes, recent events have made my reaction to this subject stronger than normal, but this ain't the H/A thread, as others pointed out.
I prefer girls over guys for friends. Not just because of visual reasons, but because I have slightly more in common with female interest than I do male. That being said, I tend to hang out with women in their late 20s/early 30s as I find they make for excellent conversations and I don't find myself dumbing myself down (no offense to anyone, I know there are tons of smart people my age of both genders).
Once we hit the age range of 40+ I get along with fucking anyone. It's like.. when I talk to someone in my own age group (early 20s) I feel really awkward and I have to really work at it. Conversation is ANYTHING but smooth. Doesn't mean I don't try, but it rarely goes well for me. As expected, I spend a lot more time talking to my teachers than my peers.
The biggest problem I have is I'm so not used to someone giving me the time of day that when I do it's extremely hard for me to not smother them with attention. I know I do it, I know it's bad, and I really try not to. It's like a starving man with a full fridge. If he could just eat slowly, he'd have food to last for weeks upon weeks, but because he's so fucking hungry it's hard not to just gorge himself while he has the ability.
I'm told by a lot of my (older) friends to just wait until I get out into the working force and I should have a much easier time socializing. Here's hoping.
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You just don't want to become self-absorbed to the point that you become antisocial. You still got to have friends, you still need to go hang out and chat people up and put yourself out there
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Being antisocial has the potential to make life spectacularly difficult. Being pretty introverted by nature, I've had to force myself to have social contact. I don't like it, but I recognize the importance of socializing. Still, finding clubbing, dancing and drinking all unpleasant can seriously hinder the options. Finding like-minded people is quite difficult, as they'd be equally introverted.:P
Yeah, that's me to the letter.
Now, I live in upstate rural New York, in the middle of bumfuck nowhere. The nearest town is at most 20,000 people, and I can't find people who enjoy the same activities as I do, much less that I can relate to. I am perfectly fine being on my own, I just need to get out every so often; I recognize that it's necessary to socialize, I am just in such a rural area that everything I enjoy doing seems to be online.
I'm actually interested in this as a side topic of discussion: what activities are out there for those of us who don't like drinking, bars, or clubs, yet still want to socialize? Bring my computer to a coffee shop and strike up a conversation? The local library? Clubbing baby seals?
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college campuses (if you're young enough for that sort of thing) have all kinds of events going on, all the time
volunteer work, maybe?
most new friendships i make are from being adventurous when i'm with my friends and we're out and about
Well, when you just moved to the area, dont have many friends to start with. And I am in the military, so most of the people I meet there are downright fucking retards compared to what I'm used to.
I'm not referring to those saying "I like being by myself a lot" or "I hate large crowds" so much as those saying "I stay by myself because I don't like people".
Cuz, you know, that's sort of the definition of a misanthrope.
Man same here. My last unit I was with the coolest bunch of dudes I have ever hung out with. We all became friends because we were stuck on a boat with each other for awhile. We were all kind of different with a couple who like games and a couple who were really into music and the token drunk guys. I wouldn't have been friends with any of these people though if it wasn't for having to talk to them each day.
Now I moved to Hampton Roads and my new job is either with old 40+ year old men or dudes whos idea of fun is shooting deer. I do actively look for stuff out here I find nothing that would give me people of similar intrests. I'm going to that MAGfest in hopes of meeting some group. I'm also doing that OkCupid thing which is actually working out well except if you try to look at another dudes profile then you are automatically considered gay apparently.
I'm a loner by heart though. I just feel good being alone and falling back into my daydreams and geek shit but I have broke out of my shell awhile back. It is hard starting over again in your 20s looking for buddies. Kinda like what Randall said in Clerks 2.
Yeah, this hurts me with girls, but I think I'm going to wade through the big ocean for a few years more and see if I can find one that I can have long-term mutual tolerance with, before I try to shift my personality.
On the opposite end, I go to college so I am surrounded by newly made friends quite frequently, and I have a job wherein I am basically a conversationalist interacting with many, many strangers in person while having fun with co-workers (salesman).
I am very much comfortable being by my lonesome, and I am comfortable in social situations and can basically maneuver much more effectively than even I expect of myself.
In a way I think I have learned to be alone, while at the same time maintaining an aptitude for social interaction. Its really only the unavoidable and instinctual urge to find a partner that unbalances me.
I was lying to make myself not seem pathetic. The truth is if I can't find someone to be happy with as I am, I'm not going to change even at the prospect of living and dying alone. I feel ashamed to be ok with that, but I am.
I see the innate desire to find a mate (not to mention the physical ramifications,) but also the desire to be just identified and, to put it simply, loved, as factoring in my desire. I mean, yes, I have a loving family, friends, and the like, but that's not the same. If you're family's relatively decent, it usually doesn't take much for them to maintain their love, besides just not being an asshole. And friends are great, but there's a definate difference between "Hey, he's a good guy and a great DM," and "I think about you all the time. I get nervous just being with you. In time, I'd want to spend the rest of my life with you." I miss having that sense that someone out there, someone you yourself care about and think is special, also thinks you are just as special. Hell, the dawning realization that I'm not that person is what's making me give up on the woman I probably wasted months worrying about.
Yeah, you put me in a purely social situation like a bar or a club or etc, where unless the alcohol is really loosening me up, I'm going to wilt in that sort of situation most of the time.
For me, it's sports or just anything that has a goal or something you work together towards. So when I'm working with someone, even with someone who has radically different interests than I, I excel at what I call "work-socializing" cracking a joke, keeping things light and loose even though we're performing a job. Or even outside of work. When I go to our climbing wall, it's easy to chat the new people up and socialize because you're working toward a common goal, having fun while climbing/working out/playing sports/doing a hobby/ etc. (shameless plug for rock climbing: when you get over your fear of heights from climbing, getting over any fears you may have of socializing get a lot easier. You just climbed this big fucking mountain and laughed in the face of death, so casually chatting up some random hot chick or anyone for that matter gets way easier)
This really is a silly thing, but I can't deny that it does work. Find some popular girly show. For me it was America's Next Top Model and just watch it even if you hate it. 1. you might actually learn to like it, and secondly, and more importantly. It gives you a bigger chance at having a common interest with a girl. It gives you something to talk about, which leads to other possible common interests, which leads to more talking, which can lead to more things ;-) I think for some people, having an good conversation where you just click with a person is more important than the actual topic of conversation itself if you take my meaning. So just pick up the ball and run with it.
But yeah, socializing is a chore for me. Sometimes its very easy but sometimes even just simple small talk is just so draining to me and I have to go into Introvert mode and recharge.
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As far as women go, being picky severely hurts my situation. Imagine there being 100 women. I can stand maybe 10 of them personality-wise. Out of those, I might like two or three, and they're always taken. Meh. I'm not going to change my personality just to get laid. Integrity is one thing I'm kind of proud about, and I won't sell it just to get some. I also don't see the point in starting a relationship that doesn't have the possibility of leading to something. Why waste my time with something that doesn't pay off in time (There being a future is what I mean with this).
As in, if I fall down, can I get back up on my feet by myself? or do I need a crutch to lean on to do it?
Because if you can't get back up on your own, then your relationship just isn't going to work in the end. This can be hard to understand for someone who hasn't had periods in their life of being dependent on something and self destructive, but to me it makes perfect sense. And at the same time, I've been lucky enough to love someone completely - so I know how important that other person can be. So I've learned (through lots of failure and a modest amount of success) that until you can stand on your own two feet, and can get right back up on them if you ever do slip, you can't be in a healthy relationship, because all you will end up doing is turning that girl you love into your own personal crutch, and pushing all your problems onto her and your relationship.
During college, I was with friends doing stuff pretty much every damned night, and I think that loud clubs and booze accounted for 0.001% of my time.
The problem is people who think that the only way to be extroverted is to go get drunk and dance.
It seems to me the problem is that people want to be told it's okay to avoid people all the time, and so try to present a couple activities they don't like as if they were the only options for social interaction.
Don't any of your friends have conversations when they congregate to drink? Because at that point there's not really a competition to get drunkest fastest, or if there is it's usually only between two or three out of a dozen people. You can drink alcohol without just going and deliberately getting as smashed as possible. It helps if you buy something that's not Natty.
This makes sense until you factor in that me and my friends play boozeball.
The best drinking game ever that just can't be turned down. And I would actually say that it has contributed greatly to how drunk I get at school now. My drinking career peaked as a sophmore . . . fall semester was just a blur, and then spring semester I became legal to drink. Junior year it slowed down a lot, and now boozeball has re-ignited the heavy drinking. Now, absent of boozeball, I prefer to drink some sam or magic hat and converse about current events and such.
My problem is that every activity I do that is remotely extroverted is almost guaranteed to contain zero cute, single women. Everyone involves is either already seeing someone or, well, geriatric. Stupid Unitarian Universalists...
That's what they say about beer-pong here. Which I have yet to play, because I don't go to parties to get wasted, I go to parties to drink and socialize with friends.
Beer pong is some pussy bullshit thats boring as hell. Boozeball is God.
Imagine a drinking game that is as fun as an actual sport to play, involves teams of 2 to 5 people and includes actual defensive tactics, yet its goal is to drink as quickly as possible.
But see my liver and I had a long talk and we decided that we're going to try to stay together forever and well that put a stop to that.
INTROVERTS AS OPPRESSED MINORITY: discuss