I'll try and keep this as short as possible. For ease of reading, this girl will be referred to as J. I am 23, J is 26 and we work in the same firm, and although no longer in the same department, we do know many of the same people.
Backstory: 4 or 5 months ago, J got dumped out of a serious "settle down, make sacrifices, give up dreams, get married" kind of relationship. We started hooking up about a month or so later and it was clear from the start that neither wanted a relationship, all well and good. We had 2 agreements: 1) we would be exclusive on the physical side of things. If either of us slept with someone else, we would stop hooking up. 2) we would be completely open and honest about our feelings, especially if anything changed. Since then, I've slowly been falling for her and beginning to *EVENTUALLY* want a relationship, while being perfectly happy with the current arrangement.
Last night, I went over to J's and we hung out. I was really nervous because she has a date tonight and that she would come back or just call me and say "well, we're not hooking up any more cause this guy is better than you" due to our agreement to be exclusive on the physical side of things, even though most of me knew that wasn't true. I made a snarky comment about a guy on TV and she asked if I was going to be like that every time she got a boyfriend. We had "a look"(yes, it's silly, but that's the easiest way to describe it) and the moment passed. She reads me very well and is very perceptive so I figured she knew what the look meant on my end, which was "no I won't be like this when you get boyfriends, especially because I want that boyfriend to be me", so I asked her if it was a bad thing. She played it off and that was that. As I was going to leave, I told her that just to be clear, that look meant that someday I hope we can have a relationship, which led to a long talk about how she doesn't want anything like that, most likely for a long time (years). I said that I knew that and wasn't currently looking for anything like that, but that I was just being honest as per our agreement, in saying that I eventually wanted more. So now she's talking that maybe we shouldn't hook up at all, or at least not as often, which I definitely don't want.
She's one of my best friends, I really like the time we spend together (we get along wonderfully) and hooking up with her (we're very good together), and I eventually want a relationship. If we go from friends with benefits to just friends, I'm worried that I'll lose any and all chance I have of getting what I want and
of having a hook up buddy. I'm also really worried that our friendship may suffer, while I watch her casually date guys, feeling....normal feelings in that situation, which could make close friendship difficult. At least if we kept hooking up, I wouldn't feel so bad. If I don't watch her casually date guys, that would be because we hang out/talk significantly less than we do now, where we hang out or talk almost every night, which I don't want either.
The other part of this that is upsetting me, is that in a year or two, when J is saying she might be ready for a relationship with someone, she wants to retire from the firm, travel for a few months, and then either go to grad school in NYC or Scotland for a few years. So I'm feeling down because it sort of feels that as soon as she would be ready, she would also be on her way out and not wanting anything, especially long distance (although if we had a shot and she was in Scotland or something, I would be more than willing and able to take an international assignment to try it out, which she suggested I do anyways if she went out there). I think we'd be really really good together since we have talked about most of life's major stumbling points and agree or almost agree on all of them, have lots of fun, have the same attitudes and sense of humor, etc.
We are supposed to discuss this tomorrow, but a) getting this out there in somewhat of an organized manner helped me think about it and b) Is this going to cause problems in the friendship? What should I push for tomorrow? How should I handle whatever we decide? Abandon the friendship? Only talk occasionally and don't hang out? Stop hooking up? Keep the friendship as close to as is as possible and keep hope for the future while dating around? This seems like something that could possibly bloom later, am I being retarded?