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Intimacy Issues?
Bambidoll
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
My boyfriend of four years and I recently went through a really four month period in our relationship. We broke up and he dated someone else and I pretty much stayed single through out. After four months he realized that the girl wasn't who he wanted to be with and that he was still in love with me and we both were committed to making our relationship work.
Me, being the snoop that I am, asked all sorts of questions about his relationship with the girl. He told me that he never said any of the things to her that he said to me (for example: "You complete me" "You're the love of my life" etc).
Well for some reason this girl still thinks they're going out despite the fact he moved across the country and broke up with her before doing so and using the words "We're breaking up". He currently does not have internet so I offered to check his email for him. He felt nothing good could come of it but he let me check anyways.
Of course, there was an email from the ex wondering what's going on and he decided to not respond to her because she wasn't his concern. I checked the "sent" box and found emails from him to her (of course) and in one of them, oh yes, there was the phrases "You complete me" "You're the love of my life" "Can't wait to hold you in my arms again" blah, blah, blah. He was mad at first that I read the sent emails and then said he completely forgot he said those things to her and if he had that he was thinking about me when he wrote them. I said "Those are NOT the kind of things you say to a rebound (something he frequently calls her)" and he said "Of COURSE they're things you say to a rebound! That's the point of a rebound, you try to replace the person you can't have with them and put all the emotions you can't put on the person you want on your rebound!"
We have this open communication policy where we have to tell each other how we feel and what we think because my being emotionally withdrawn was a problem we were having among other things. So when I let him know that it was hard to really believe what he says to me when he says the EXACT same things to me that he said to her (that he said to me before he dated her), he cried. I mean cried. It was completely an accident and I didn't mean to push him that hard and I was trying to just be open and honest with him. He said he really was thinking about me when he wrote those things to her, that he had been lying to her and that he had no real way to prove it to me and make me believe him so it was frustrating to him.
It didn't help though when he called me "boo boo" (something he NEVER called me before) just as I was reading the next email where he called her...."boo boo".
So now, I'm telling him not to use those lines on me and he still insists they're not lines and that he didn't mean it when he said it to that girl. This is creating a problem because he loves to tell me how great a girlfriend I am and how much he loves me and I complete him and every time he does I keep thinking "Line, line, line, line, line."
I know he has the right to be able to say those things to other girls he's dating, but where I once felt special, I now just feel they're lines and that I'm just another girl to say it to. I want to be able to let this go and let him express himself and not have myself withdraw and be all "GET AWAY FROM ME, LINE USER!" But I'm finding it hard to. I really do love this guy, so I really want to make this work and for me to not be such a control freak or so...snoopy.
Any tips?
Summary: Guy and I broke up, he dated someone else, we got back together, I found out he said the same stuff to her he used to and now does again, say to me and now I feel un-special and like I'm being fed lines. Would like to get over this and just let boyfriend express himself in romantic manner without thinking "I'm being fed a line."
Me, being the snoop that I am, asked all sorts of questions about his relationship with the girl. He told me that he never said any of the things to her that he said to me (for example: "You complete me" "You're the love of my life" etc).
Well for some reason this girl still thinks they're going out despite the fact he moved across the country and broke up with her before doing so and using the words "We're breaking up". He currently does not have internet so I offered to check his email for him. He felt nothing good could come of it but he let me check anyways.
Of course, there was an email from the ex wondering what's going on and he decided to not respond to her because she wasn't his concern. I checked the "sent" box and found emails from him to her (of course) and in one of them, oh yes, there was the phrases "You complete me" "You're the love of my life" "Can't wait to hold you in my arms again" blah, blah, blah. He was mad at first that I read the sent emails and then said he completely forgot he said those things to her and if he had that he was thinking about me when he wrote them. I said "Those are NOT the kind of things you say to a rebound (something he frequently calls her)" and he said "Of COURSE they're things you say to a rebound! That's the point of a rebound, you try to replace the person you can't have with them and put all the emotions you can't put on the person you want on your rebound!"
We have this open communication policy where we have to tell each other how we feel and what we think because my being emotionally withdrawn was a problem we were having among other things. So when I let him know that it was hard to really believe what he says to me when he says the EXACT same things to me that he said to her (that he said to me before he dated her), he cried. I mean cried. It was completely an accident and I didn't mean to push him that hard and I was trying to just be open and honest with him. He said he really was thinking about me when he wrote those things to her, that he had been lying to her and that he had no real way to prove it to me and make me believe him so it was frustrating to him.
It didn't help though when he called me "boo boo" (something he NEVER called me before) just as I was reading the next email where he called her...."boo boo".
So now, I'm telling him not to use those lines on me and he still insists they're not lines and that he didn't mean it when he said it to that girl. This is creating a problem because he loves to tell me how great a girlfriend I am and how much he loves me and I complete him and every time he does I keep thinking "Line, line, line, line, line."
I know he has the right to be able to say those things to other girls he's dating, but where I once felt special, I now just feel they're lines and that I'm just another girl to say it to. I want to be able to let this go and let him express himself and not have myself withdraw and be all "GET AWAY FROM ME, LINE USER!" But I'm finding it hard to. I really do love this guy, so I really want to make this work and for me to not be such a control freak or so...snoopy.
Any tips?
Summary: Guy and I broke up, he dated someone else, we got back together, I found out he said the same stuff to her he used to and now does again, say to me and now I feel un-special and like I'm being fed lines. Would like to get over this and just let boyfriend express himself in romantic manner without thinking "I'm being fed a line."
Bambidoll on
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Guys are dumb at the best of times. Even the genius ones. The average American is barely literate, at best. Don't expect too much linguistical creativity from him unless he's poet laureate. Maybe help him come up with a fresh pet-name so that you both know it's one that's exclusive to you.
Hahahaha. More like I want to believe him when he says that he was thinking about me when he said those things to her and to not let this bother me. Not for him to come up with better things to say to me.
I think when you have breakups or indiscretions you really just need to put them behind you. Certainly have it out if there are unresolved issues, but you can't move forward in a relationship if all you do is dwell on what he did in the past when you weren't even together. He was with someone else, does it really help if the whole time he was thinking of you?
I try not to carry forward the more unique verbal expressions I used with my ex-husband to the relationships I've had after. I will say, though, that there was a pet name my current lover used for me early in our relationship that has fallen by the wayside over time, and I miss it. So consider this: is it more important that he said those things to someone else, or that by making an issue of it you may prevent him from ever saying them to you again? And if you never want him to say those things to you again, think about what, exactly, the new context of your relationship is, if he's not allowed to tell you that he feels whole when he's with you, or that he looks forward to being with you again soon.
TL/DR: verbal affection is like holding hands, sometimes it's done unconsciously. You weren't dating him when he was dating her, so he wasn't cheating.
I'm not going to just cut ties and walk away either, I am definitely committed to making this work.
I liked the 'habits of affection' comment, I really think thats where this falls. I would say you'd have something on not being called the same pet name, thats a name, and names should be unique. Buddy can just sit there for ten minutes and come up with something unused, fuck him if he can't. I would refuse to beleive that all the names in the world have already been used by him.
I'd also caution about trying to get things 'ack' though, it just doesn't happen. The effect you've described is like losing the suspension of disbeleif, the trust people have in a situation. Once its broken, its hard if not impossible to get back.
I personally feel that the guy seems to be using you to fill an emotional void in his life, but that's not really what you're asking. I don't think there's any way for you to get over the feelings you have about these "lines" other than time, but like the above poster suggested once trust like that is broken, it's very hard to repair.
It's hard to get back trust? I know this, and I'm working on this as well. Trust me, I'm not expecting this to be a short, easy road back to the way things were. I know things have changed and I must adapt to these changes (if they were too hard to do, I would walk away but they're not in my eyes). We're having open and honest communication about this all, I'm not a quitter when it comes to my relationships so I'm going to work and try to fix it till its either fixed or can't work anymore. I believe whole heartedly this can be fixed and its just my being a little nutso that is preventing it from being fixed at this moment.
I'm just irked by the "You complete me" "You're the love of my life" but as both of you have pointed out they probably are just habits of affection. Is what my boyfriend said also possible? That he said those things to her because at the time he couldn't say them to me?
And that's admirable, it is. However, you have to ask yourself a few questions. Were you not committed to it the first time? What are your reasons for being committed to it? Are you always going to be suspicious?
I'm not saying that you're doomed to fail or that you don't have every right to be suspicious, but the fact of the matter is that guys lie to protect themselves. We may think they're harmless lies, but no lie is ever really harmless.
One other thing that hasn't been disclosed is why did you break up the first time?
I wouldn't say that they are lines. I know some people that get into the habit of saying the same affectionate lines. Hell my roommate used "pookums" for every girl he's ever been with. He likes the word I guess... "Love of my life" might honestly be set as a pet name for him. I wouldn't say it makes you any less special. If he's not saying those things to her NOW, I wouldn't worry about it.
I DO agree that those lines are pretty cheesy. :P I haven't said "you complete me." to any of the girls I've dated because they just... Never fit in a serious situation. But I guess you can blame that on Austin Powers.
My reasons for being committed now is because we are a good couple when I'm not being completely immature. I wish I could explain it in a way that is not going to make me seem juvenile but this is someone I really see myself with in a marriage. We both support each other and do things for each other that we normally would not do for other people (friends included). The chemistry is there, the support structure is there and even when we're having arguments we still love each other. I'm also more realistic with my relationship than I was before or with any other previous relationships I have had, such as if there is an argument I know that it isn't the end of a relationship but just a minor conflict that can be fixed with good communication. Our values are also the same which really helps.
I do know guys lie to protect themselves, so I know I can't always be suspicious and I'm not always suspicious. I'm just trying to get over the romancing of the ex because I do know that it shouldn't concern me. It just does because I'm used to him just saying it to me and only me and I while I did expect him to say those things to her, it just hurts a bit that I was right. Funny, I know.
Oh yes, we did get into a major fight before he wrote that to her about her being the love of his life and she completing him. He thought we had no chance of working things out so he tried to move on and I guess that's why he said those things because he couldn't say them to me because we were no longer.
And no, he's not saying those things to her now, so I know I shouldn't be worried about it.
In some ways it was good that I saw what I saw, but in many, many ways it was very bad. So hopefully you get over this soon. Just remember that it was in the past... And it happens to all of us. If you went out with someone else during the break, and said the same things... Would you hold it against yourself too? I know it's all speculation, but I'm sure you'd say stuff in that nature to "get over" your ex.
The problem is with the both of you, really. He's using these same lines that you attached weight to, and HE did as well. He pointed out that these were you-specific things, and it turns out they aren't. That means they're just words he uses for a girl he likes. As in, they're NOT special anymore. That doesn't mean he doesn't really like you still, it just means you should tell him that they don't make you feel special so if he's just saying them because he wants to, great. It's not like "I love you," which is (imo) timeless and more perfunctory, but typically "lines" like his are said when you want to express just how strong your feelings are.
And if you're saying them to multiple people, well, what's the point?
I'd suggest that you tell him, since you're going through this time together and you both want to make it work, that he not use any lines. He can say "i love you" but if he wants to express himself further, he should simply kiss you. Actions speak louder than words, and if he's trying to be sincere he should cut the crap and act.
It's hard for a kiss to be misinterpreted, and it'll be obvious that he feels strongly for you without you worrying about him using pet names or other sayings that have "lost their feeling" due to the break.
Is he saying these things via email, or phone? Or directly to you, in person?