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Girls and friends
suicidexcuse
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
More girl problems. This may turn out long but here we go, from the top.
So 4 weeks ago i met a girl at work, lets call her Sally. We hit it off. At first I thought that we could be more then friends. But on the second day of going to lunch together she tells me she's bisexual. I have no problem with this and realized she just needed someone to talk to. So we started talking on the phone for hours on end. I started to develope a thing for her but ignored it seeing as she's 25 and me 20. But then one Tuesday night on the phone she told me she really liked me, I told her the same. After that we both ignored the subject and didn't talk about it much. But that weekend we had our work christmas party to attend. We went together, ate together, drank together and left together. I ended up at her house where we just made out for a little while and cuddled in bed all night. So on sunday the 25th we went out to lunch and discussed if we should just stay friends or go out After a long discussion of what we were afraid of and what could happen, we decided to go out. Now let me quickly explain i have never gone out with a girl before. I have never felt this way about a girl before. She is the only one I've actually considered ever asking out. She's even way outta my league according to other people.
The problem isn't so much the girl as it a friend of mine, lets call him Tom. So me and Tom belong to a group of 4 guys who have been best friends since high school. This is pretty much my only circle of friends. Now between everyone me and Tom are the closest. We know each other incredibly well. We talk every day, on the phone or through facebook. I told him everything about Sally. He wasn't happy about the bisexuality or the christmas party but he still listened. But ever since I told him I decided to go out with her he refuses to hear anything about her. He'll plug his hears or walk away if i start to talk about her. He tells me that he can't agree with an immoral choice. He even says that if i sleep with her, he will never talk to me again. This pisses me off to no end. All my other friends are fine with it and tell me to continue to go out with her. Even my family is supportive but he refuses to support me in any way.
Then yesteday i stayed at Sally's place all night. I had planned to go play Halo with Tom over live at 10am but me and Sally slept in until 11. And even though i shoulda headed home to try and still play with him i stayed with Sally most of the day until 4 when i got home. I checked my facebook and Tom blocked me from his page. And i assume from msn as well. Now I know I was being an ass and shoulda went home as soon as i woke up but i wanted to spend more time with Sally. And let me say this is the second time I've broken plans with him. The first time was in June and he refused to talk to me or call me all summer. 2 times I've broken plans in 6 years.
So now i have no clue what to do. I can't lose my friend. If i did i would probably lose what little social life i have. But I think I should be given the benefit of doubt after 6 years of friendship. This is my first girlfriend, shouldn't i be allowed a little leeway as i get to know her? It's only been 2 weeks. Should i just give in to his passive agressive bull shit? And everyone around me says it's just because Tom is just jealous and this will happen with any girl I go out with. Is all this my fault for spending more time with her then him?
tl;dr
My best friend hates and is jealous of my girlfriend. Should i dump my girlfriend to stay friends with him?
Thanks in advance for any advice.
So 4 weeks ago i met a girl at work, lets call her Sally. We hit it off. At first I thought that we could be more then friends. But on the second day of going to lunch together she tells me she's bisexual. I have no problem with this and realized she just needed someone to talk to. So we started talking on the phone for hours on end. I started to develope a thing for her but ignored it seeing as she's 25 and me 20. But then one Tuesday night on the phone she told me she really liked me, I told her the same. After that we both ignored the subject and didn't talk about it much. But that weekend we had our work christmas party to attend. We went together, ate together, drank together and left together. I ended up at her house where we just made out for a little while and cuddled in bed all night. So on sunday the 25th we went out to lunch and discussed if we should just stay friends or go out After a long discussion of what we were afraid of and what could happen, we decided to go out. Now let me quickly explain i have never gone out with a girl before. I have never felt this way about a girl before. She is the only one I've actually considered ever asking out. She's even way outta my league according to other people.
The problem isn't so much the girl as it a friend of mine, lets call him Tom. So me and Tom belong to a group of 4 guys who have been best friends since high school. This is pretty much my only circle of friends. Now between everyone me and Tom are the closest. We know each other incredibly well. We talk every day, on the phone or through facebook. I told him everything about Sally. He wasn't happy about the bisexuality or the christmas party but he still listened. But ever since I told him I decided to go out with her he refuses to hear anything about her. He'll plug his hears or walk away if i start to talk about her. He tells me that he can't agree with an immoral choice. He even says that if i sleep with her, he will never talk to me again. This pisses me off to no end. All my other friends are fine with it and tell me to continue to go out with her. Even my family is supportive but he refuses to support me in any way.
Then yesteday i stayed at Sally's place all night. I had planned to go play Halo with Tom over live at 10am but me and Sally slept in until 11. And even though i shoulda headed home to try and still play with him i stayed with Sally most of the day until 4 when i got home. I checked my facebook and Tom blocked me from his page. And i assume from msn as well. Now I know I was being an ass and shoulda went home as soon as i woke up but i wanted to spend more time with Sally. And let me say this is the second time I've broken plans with him. The first time was in June and he refused to talk to me or call me all summer. 2 times I've broken plans in 6 years.
So now i have no clue what to do. I can't lose my friend. If i did i would probably lose what little social life i have. But I think I should be given the benefit of doubt after 6 years of friendship. This is my first girlfriend, shouldn't i be allowed a little leeway as i get to know her? It's only been 2 weeks. Should i just give in to his passive agressive bull shit? And everyone around me says it's just because Tom is just jealous and this will happen with any girl I go out with. Is all this my fault for spending more time with her then him?
tl;dr
My best friend hates and is jealous of my girlfriend. Should i dump my girlfriend to stay friends with him?
Thanks in advance for any advice.
suicidexcuse on
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Posts
If this Tom character is really jealous of you spending time with someone else, then maybe you should either explain to him that he isn't the only person in your life or ask him what is bothering him so much about the relationship.
Sounds like it's religion. Which doesn't make up for the fact that he's still being an immature ass.
I.... what?!
I think his stance on bisexuality is what he's referring to.
OP, are you a religious person yourself?
In any case, yeah, your friend is being a dipshit. Tell him to fuck off. Friends break plans. It happens. It's life. If he can't get over it, that's his problem.
But Tom has gay friends and is fine with people being gay. I have no clue why he would have such a problem with her being bisexual. And im not religious at all.
While it's understandable to get a little irritated at someone for not showing up for a scheduled event (the Halo thing) any guy your age (that I know of, at least) would be a little forgiving since it was for a good excuse.
Now it sounds like he's extremely homophobic. It's pretty unfair of him to judge you because you like her, in my opinion. Personally, I wouldn't want to be friends with a guy like that.
If you've been friends for so long, how come he's getting so bent out of shape without talking it over with you?
Precisely. I'm assuming here that this is a religious thing, because chances are it is.
Most all Christian denominations, even the really whacked out ones, are happy to convert teh gays. They then also have to let them sleep with (married, of course) teh opposite sex. Your friend is totally being a dick, but seems to me there is an easy way to reason with him which he can't really deny.
Simply tell him (it's bullshit, but he's asking for it) that by going out with this girl & sleeping with her, you are converting all the terrible, terrible lesbian instincts out of her, & bringing her closer to Christ or whatever shite he'll swallow. Basic point being, as long as she's with you, then well she isn't being bisexual, is she? Doesn't that make you a good Christian / moral person for taking the hit & lessening her sinful ways?
If he does complain & it is a Christian thing, ask him where the Bible says it is sinful to sleep with a homosexual if it isn't a homosexual act (ie this case). Pretty sure it doesn't. Then point out the many places where it expounds the righteousness of helping with or taking the sins of others on your own head, as in, oh I don't know, the end of those gospel things.
Personally, I'd tell him to do one. But if you want another option, there it is.
Basically, it's not up to Tom who you do or do not date. I think you need to question how Tom sees his friendship with you if something so superficial is all it takes for him to disown you. Something isn't right, and it really sounds like Tom jealously trying to control you. You let him do it now and he'll just keep trying. Lay down the law now and if he walks, then that's what happens.
What you should consider is the long term consequences of either loss. In 5 years, what's the bigger regret? Losing a friend who is jealous and controlling? Or a girl who makes you happy and is very special to you? I know that wording may seem biased, but I can't help but let my personal distaste for Tom's selfishness affect my advice.
Well obviously you tell the girl as well. She's welcome to dislike him then for being a judgmental twat, but that's what you get for being a judgemental twat. She's also welcome to be disappointed in the OP for not just telling his mate that he is being a judgemental twat, but that's the OP's choice. It's not a great solution, like I said, I'd tell any friend who thought they could interfere to that degree in my personal life to do one, but as far as the OP is concerned:
So very nice it is to see so many people agree that the bloke is being a twat, that isn't the question that is being asked. The man wants a solution where he doesn't have to alienate his friend or lose his girlfriend, so how about people start trying to come up with some, instead of expounding the bloody obvious re: twat.
It doesnt make his behaviour acceptable, but it might provide some insight.
Is it possible that he's fine with the idea of gay people, but not actually being confronted with it? This seems likely. Which makes him a liar--to himself.
Point out to him that it's not his call. Don't bring her up with him since it's apparently a sensetive subject for him for no reason, but if he tries to rant or lecture at you just tell him it's not his call. Don't say anything else about it if you don't feel like digging into his issues, he's not going to listen anyway unless he wants his issues dug into. It's quite simply not his call and if he can't leave it at that then his friendship with you isn't as important to him as irrational nonsense.
Still do things with the circle of friends, and make a point to include Sally. If Tom wants to be immature about it and avoid you for no reason, don't let that ruin your social life.
What's the level of social experience as a whole within your group? Are you the first to really get a girlfriend, or are your other friends generally socially active?
My other 2 friends have chimed in on the subject. They are both on my side. They say i shoulda made the halo appointment but they forgive me since this relationship is so new. And apparently Tom isn't cutting off all contact for good, he's just not going to talk to me for around 1-3 weeks. And he has never done this before with any of my other 2 friends' friends. But they are nowhere near as close as me and Tom. I wasn't exaggerating when i said we talk every single day.
And my group is very socially inexperienced. I am the first to get a girlfriend.
When other people in your group get girlfriends, you'll understand. They also shouldn't be dicks and/or try to restrict the amount of time you have with her.
Yeah, seriously. Tom sounds like he's just threatened and annoyed by the fact that you are suddenly focusing the majority of your attention on someone new. You gotta strike a balance; don't let either of them (your new girl or Tom) co-opt your time or make you feel like shit. It's all about time management in a situation like this. I wouldn't blame Tom for being kinda pissed at you for standing him up, that shit is uncalled for in most situations, but it is understandable given your circumstances.
Also, when you are hanging out with either your girl or Tom, unless it's really bothering you, don't talk about the other one. Maybe there is a genuine amount of animosity between the two (or maybe not), but if you want to avoid conflict, make time for each of them and give them each their own time (that is, if you make plans with one, don't have the other tagging along or whatever).
Or if they're in the wrong or overstepping their bounds.
Tom seems like the socially inexperienced one here.
I've decided that I'm angry at you so I'm not going to talk to you for the predetermined time of 1 to 3 weeks. That's passive aggressive bullshit coming out the arse here. Dude needs to realise that your social life doesn't revolve around him. The boy needs a metaphorical slap around the back of the head.
Satans..... hints.....
I'm not trying to be an ass, or say this is the be all and end all of answers, but I second this opinion. This situation is coming off as Tom being jealous because a girl is getting in his way to you. If Tom has gay friends, is cool with gay people in general and probably has gay friends who are in relationships but is suddenly bugged the fuck out because you're dating a girl who happens to be bisexual, I would think he's using the "bisexuality" as an excuse and is really just trying to get you to see he is in love with you.
If a girl did the same things Tom was doing, I would think she was in love with you.
I am certain that any of my friends would be understanding if I didn't play a video game with them because I was spending time with an attractive, interesting woman.
Steam (Ansatz) || GW2 officer (Ansatz.6498)
As stupid as it sounds, if you don't attempt to make contact with him and let it ride for 1-3 weeks, he might think you don't care (as dumb as that may sound since he is trying to uninitiate contact).
I would recommend trying to talk to him. I don't think he is gay necessarily - what you did was lame, but he might be a drama queen. I'd just apologize for it again (ugh) and try to establish contact. Just try and be more considerate from now on and give him a heads up if you'll be canceling a meet up with him in the future - i've been on the receiving end of that and it isn't fun or cool. You feel like you're being replaced in some ways, or that you aren't as important or fun to be around - while some of that sounds ridiculous, he might be feeling that way.
Because he obviously gives a shit about him as a friend? People aren't purely logical and I'm sure the emotional attachment he has to his friend drives his need to at least try and preserve the friendship.
I'm sure he'll get sick of the bullshit if it continues to happen and his friend fails to understand how he feels. The problem here is a lack of empathy/sympathy/understanding on his friend's part, but once he sees how much he cares, things might change. If they don't - then I may be more inclined to feel as you do.
Sometimes it's hard breaking off a six year friendship.
Because he's been my best friend for the past 6 years. And if I lose him I will pretty much lose my other friends and any hopes of a social life.
I'll be honest, the man sounds insane.
Anger and emotions can do that to a person.
Again, I'd try communicating to him and reasoning with him instead of against him. If you find that it is a hopeless cause, it is no longer your fault and the burden of communication falls to your friend. At that point I believe you can walk away from the friendship with less guilt.
But be clear on your position going into the conversion. You ARE completely in the clear here, HE is the one being completely irrational. If you cannot make him see that, goodbye.