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Two stupid girl questions:
MC Mystery
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Over the last two months I've found myself falling for two girls.
Girl A) Her name is Abi, she's tall, and smart and pretty. I just met her this year when we were in a play together at the beginning of it. I had a thing for a friend of her's but once Abi and I started talking I realized her friend was boring and I'd much rather hang out with her. We started hanging out more and more and talking every night. We eventually found ourselves kissing eachother, and well. We were kind of unofficially dating. Is started getting her into artists/bands/authors I like and we kept finding ourselves having more and more in common and getting a long really well.
Girl
Her name is Jess. She too is tall, smart, and pretty. I've known her for a few years, but not well. I had a crush on her briefly in sophmore year of high school, but was socially awkward and was bad at talking to her. Last year (junior year) we would see each other or talk to each other occasionally because as it turns out we share a lot of the same friends. We saw each other more and more and started talking fairly often then exchanged phone numbers causing more and more talking. She loves a lot of the same movies/music I do. She's also really into art. We hung out a bit then eventually things got physical. Outside of just physical or personality issues, I just get a certain awesome floaty feeling whenever I'm around her.
Abi) Is 15 years old. In some ways she's one of those high school-y kids that feels years beyond their age. In other ways she's totally too young for me. I live in Pennsylvania which means that it's legal (I'm 18, and our age difference is less than 4 years) so that's not the issue. It's the fact that she's a bit immature and I feel like part of what makes her so eager to be in a relationship with me is the fact that I see worldly or cool to her cause I'm older, which is totally not the case. Well, sort of, but not really. I'm losing track of my point here. Her parents are fundamentalist christians. She to some extent is as well. I've helped her out with stuff at her church and it's been terrifying. Her parents are worse. Her mother is one of those minority hating crazy controlling women. Her father was in an accident years ago that has left him a shell of a man basically at the command of his wife with the occasional crazy outburst. He loves books, but only right wing conservative takes on christianity. He recently had a horribly racist outburst at our public library. I lent Abi some CDs and some comic books, he interrogated me for twenty minutes on the nature of these books or CDs. They were some old New Wave discs and a teen coming of age story. I tried to explain that the artist in question currently writes childrens television, but he still kept demanding to know if they were "devil music". Her parents also hate me cause I have long hair, my family is 90% black, and I'm an avid supporter of the gay community in our area. No amount of the volunteer work I do for the less fortunate or children in our area was enough to get past the "bleeding heart liberal" that I am.
Jess) Is 18 years old, very age appropriate, even I'd say more mature than the average person our age. She's in the same year as me, we have a lot of the same friends, and her parents although not -fans- of me, don't hate me, and certainly not for crazy reasons (they just have the normal, "I'm a dad and any boy isn't good enough for my daughter! I'm a mom, honey, why date a geek?" thing going on.). I'm used to that.
Me) I'm 18, just was forced to leave my high school partially because of bad decisions I made and partially because I dated the head principal of my school's daughter all last year, and she hated me. HATED me. My grades have always been shit, but I've always been a known egghead, and active in a lot at school. Woman would watch my grades and prevent her daughter from seeing me based on them, or if I got in trouble in classes. She was frequently quoted as saying my family was too poor for her to be associated with us by having her daughter date me. Her daughter eventually dumped me in a similar big explosion of financial/political drama. I got my GED and started college at this point and am also working. I've been out of school for a few months now. Abi's parents aren't cool with this at all, Jess' parents are fine with it. I'm not sure how I am with it. I feel like I got cheated out of my senior year. I work at a video store in the mall. I do a lot of volunteer work with various groups around town mostly working with either homeless or children. I'm in a band, I play bass and sing, sometimes just sing, sometimes just bass, we switch off. That doesn't really matter. What? I lost track of all of this.
Abi) Right before I started seeing Jess and even more so after it became official, Abi has been promising me her virginity without me having asked for it. It's making me uncomfortable and I've told her such.
Jess) Is also a virgin, but it never came up, Recently we were fooling around and it finally came up, we had a big elaborate talk and she didn't out right say so, but strongly implied she wants to have sex with me at some point. I'm not even sure if I'm comfortable with this. I want to take things slow.
I came to the conclusion after I realized that I liked both girls that I needed to choose one of them. I started weighing my options and I realized that a relationship with Abi that wouldn't be just as much of a horrible pain in the ass as the last one would be impossible. The age gap and her parents would make everything awful. So I started trying to end that. Then during a date with Jess realized that everything was going so swimmingly with her that I wanted her to be my girlfriend, I asked, she said yes, we've been dating officially two weeks or so. Abi was devastated when I told her. Things are really really awkward between us.
My question that led up to all of this stupid post.
Is there a way for me to make being just friends with Abi easier, and should I tell my new girlfriend about everything that's been going on? Also, what are some steps I should take if I'm to sleep with Jess? She's never been sexually active in anyway (I was the first guy to ever have touched her below the waist apparently) but she's got a sexual appetite and we've talked about it, and I'm not really sure where I want this to go, but knowing my being a male and hormones, what are some things I can do to make things good/easy for her first time? My first time was awful, and previous other girls I've "deflowered" have all ended badly (at least for their first times, what with the hymen and all), and I'd like this to end well if theres a way to manuever that.
Girl A) Her name is Abi, she's tall, and smart and pretty. I just met her this year when we were in a play together at the beginning of it. I had a thing for a friend of her's but once Abi and I started talking I realized her friend was boring and I'd much rather hang out with her. We started hanging out more and more and talking every night. We eventually found ourselves kissing eachother, and well. We were kind of unofficially dating. Is started getting her into artists/bands/authors I like and we kept finding ourselves having more and more in common and getting a long really well.
Girl
Her name is Jess. She too is tall, smart, and pretty. I've known her for a few years, but not well. I had a crush on her briefly in sophmore year of high school, but was socially awkward and was bad at talking to her. Last year (junior year) we would see each other or talk to each other occasionally because as it turns out we share a lot of the same friends. We saw each other more and more and started talking fairly often then exchanged phone numbers causing more and more talking. She loves a lot of the same movies/music I do. She's also really into art. We hung out a bit then eventually things got physical. Outside of just physical or personality issues, I just get a certain awesome floaty feeling whenever I'm around her.Abi) Is 15 years old. In some ways she's one of those high school-y kids that feels years beyond their age. In other ways she's totally too young for me. I live in Pennsylvania which means that it's legal (I'm 18, and our age difference is less than 4 years) so that's not the issue. It's the fact that she's a bit immature and I feel like part of what makes her so eager to be in a relationship with me is the fact that I see worldly or cool to her cause I'm older, which is totally not the case. Well, sort of, but not really. I'm losing track of my point here. Her parents are fundamentalist christians. She to some extent is as well. I've helped her out with stuff at her church and it's been terrifying. Her parents are worse. Her mother is one of those minority hating crazy controlling women. Her father was in an accident years ago that has left him a shell of a man basically at the command of his wife with the occasional crazy outburst. He loves books, but only right wing conservative takes on christianity. He recently had a horribly racist outburst at our public library. I lent Abi some CDs and some comic books, he interrogated me for twenty minutes on the nature of these books or CDs. They were some old New Wave discs and a teen coming of age story. I tried to explain that the artist in question currently writes childrens television, but he still kept demanding to know if they were "devil music". Her parents also hate me cause I have long hair, my family is 90% black, and I'm an avid supporter of the gay community in our area. No amount of the volunteer work I do for the less fortunate or children in our area was enough to get past the "bleeding heart liberal" that I am.
Jess) Is 18 years old, very age appropriate, even I'd say more mature than the average person our age. She's in the same year as me, we have a lot of the same friends, and her parents although not -fans- of me, don't hate me, and certainly not for crazy reasons (they just have the normal, "I'm a dad and any boy isn't good enough for my daughter! I'm a mom, honey, why date a geek?" thing going on.). I'm used to that.
Me) I'm 18, just was forced to leave my high school partially because of bad decisions I made and partially because I dated the head principal of my school's daughter all last year, and she hated me. HATED me. My grades have always been shit, but I've always been a known egghead, and active in a lot at school. Woman would watch my grades and prevent her daughter from seeing me based on them, or if I got in trouble in classes. She was frequently quoted as saying my family was too poor for her to be associated with us by having her daughter date me. Her daughter eventually dumped me in a similar big explosion of financial/political drama. I got my GED and started college at this point and am also working. I've been out of school for a few months now. Abi's parents aren't cool with this at all, Jess' parents are fine with it. I'm not sure how I am with it. I feel like I got cheated out of my senior year. I work at a video store in the mall. I do a lot of volunteer work with various groups around town mostly working with either homeless or children. I'm in a band, I play bass and sing, sometimes just sing, sometimes just bass, we switch off. That doesn't really matter. What? I lost track of all of this.
Abi) Right before I started seeing Jess and even more so after it became official, Abi has been promising me her virginity without me having asked for it. It's making me uncomfortable and I've told her such.
Jess) Is also a virgin, but it never came up, Recently we were fooling around and it finally came up, we had a big elaborate talk and she didn't out right say so, but strongly implied she wants to have sex with me at some point. I'm not even sure if I'm comfortable with this. I want to take things slow.
I came to the conclusion after I realized that I liked both girls that I needed to choose one of them. I started weighing my options and I realized that a relationship with Abi that wouldn't be just as much of a horrible pain in the ass as the last one would be impossible. The age gap and her parents would make everything awful. So I started trying to end that. Then during a date with Jess realized that everything was going so swimmingly with her that I wanted her to be my girlfriend, I asked, she said yes, we've been dating officially two weeks or so. Abi was devastated when I told her. Things are really really awkward between us.
My question that led up to all of this stupid post.
Is there a way for me to make being just friends with Abi easier, and should I tell my new girlfriend about everything that's been going on? Also, what are some steps I should take if I'm to sleep with Jess? She's never been sexually active in anyway (I was the first guy to ever have touched her below the waist apparently) but she's got a sexual appetite and we've talked about it, and I'm not really sure where I want this to go, but knowing my being a male and hormones, what are some things I can do to make things good/easy for her first time? My first time was awful, and previous other girls I've "deflowered" have all ended badly (at least for their first times, what with the hymen and all), and I'd like this to end well if theres a way to manuever that.
Your sig is too tall. -Thanatos
MC Mystery on
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There is no easy out with abi. If you are going jess and trying to be just friends with abi feelings most likely will be hurt. BUT that is the best thing you can do- it will end it clean. The worst part of stuff like that is hurting someone you like's feelings; she'll get over it. but you won't be friends for a bit. It is good that you told her and you just have to give her space. you won't be comfort for her while you are the pain. You don't need to tell Jess. the abi stuff was all before you were serious with jess, right?. If she asks cool, but you would be in the clear in my book.
To sleep with Jess: you seem to want to take it slow- so do. Let it kind of happen organiclly. For the first time- take everything slow. This will create antcipation which will blow her mind. (Ie- just start making out- no sexual touching... slowly transition to touching clothes on... slowly.. you get it.) If you do it right by the time you are nekkid she will beg for it and it will be a good expieience. Just take it easy.
Here is the obligatory statement- You are 18. Don't get too serious, man. There is a great big world, just have fun now. There is a ton of expieriences ahead of you.
Good luck.
I would break it off clean. Be direct but at the same time not an ass (how that is possible I don't know). As for telling her; If you plan to be with Jess, telling Abi would just cause unnecessary pain. Although if plan to stay with Abi, I would tell her at some point in time.
As for deflowering; sorry I can't help. I've only been with one woman in my life and she was already deflowered before we met. So I would have no idea. Good Luck.
Also remember, with neo-Christians it's not about how much Jesus you love (doing community service etc) anymore, it's about how much money you have in the bank. Hypocritical lot they are (talking as a Catholic, we're really no better
Jess on the other hand seems like a great choice between the two, she's mature, her parents aren't complete asses and you've got a lot more potential with a girl who can think with a clear head.
I've been through enough to know that parents can make a big difference in a relationship. And if I was in your position I'd pick Jess, she sounds like a great girly with no hassle to deal with.
On the virgin issue; wear a condom, no matter how redundant it is it must be said (you asked for steps here's one). And don't really do anything with Abi if you plan on staying with Jess in the long run, something morally reprehensible like that could just cement Abi into turning into some retard monkey spewing bible tales like that lady in The Mist (great movie btw, go see it with Jess!) quicker than you can say "Halo". With Jess however it will (repeat: will) be awkward the first time, but you're both 18... so not as awkward? I dunno I was 16 in my first time and it was awkward then.
Good luck.
Heh, jailbait.
Also, I already did break things off with Abi, I told her I want to take things more seriously with Jess and then told her I can only offer her friendship until she's moved out, or at least somewhat not completely being watchdogged by her parents.
Finally, I'm white, it's my family who are black and muslim. It's a complicated household.
As for Jess, just take it slow. I don't mean "6 months" slow, but let her know that you don't want to push her into things because you've had sex before and you don't want her to freak out over her first time. Use your experience to make the experience more gentle and supportive, rather than just raw passion. The few people I've spoken to about it usually say that girls usually handle losing their virginity better the older they are, as they naturally become more mentally mature and those that want to "save" their virginity are less conflicted (they just wait) compared to those who simply haven't had sex (who lose their fear and are simply unsure of what to do).
edited to add: one thing you should keep in mind is that most of your post is explanatory, with the only real problem being over sex. And your comment about both girls is in relation to sex and your comment about other female friends also being about sex makes me think that you're really just focused on sex. I always think of sex as an eventuality -- in the vast majority of relationships that stick together, they end up having a sexual relationship. Your female friend's comments may simply be a matter of how easy it is to say one thing without having to actually act on it (so you shouldn't be frustrated about it), and your approach to both Abi and Jess should ignore sex and simply focus on the other aspects of the relationship -- which is why Jess sounds like a much better match.
That my friend is just how it works. Gals do that shit constantly. usually they see a guy they passed on in boyfriend mode with new chick, regret passing on a great guy, and say shit like the above. I heard that crap before too man; Broads just aint right sometimes.
I caught the abi part from word go, and also the you being all previously sexed up. Like I said you seem level headed. Take it slow with the first timer and it will be ok. EDIT : And Eggy reiterated what I meant. Slow with the sex, not just not waiting.
um also.... stautory rape where im from is dangerously close to the ages you listed. just saying. just saying. (so thats another strike on abi.)
As for making the first time good for her: it may hurt no matter what you do. Just take things slowly, have lots and lots of foreplay be prepared to stop if she asks you to, and for the love of god, use lube and a condom. Don't worry if it's awkward, but communicate and be aware that you've got lots of time to practice with her and find out what you both like. Also, if she hasn't been already, offer to go with her to Planned Parenthood so she can learn about birth control options and protecting herself from STIs; I don't trust the abstinence-only education that kids have been getting lately to tell her anything other than "Sex is evil and disease-causing and only for people you want to spend the rest of your life with!"
As for the "pulling out condoms and lube," you talk about it, and not when you're already in the middle of anything sexual. Talk about what she fantasizes about, what you fantasize about, if she has allergies to anything, what you guys will do if birth control fails, if there's anything she's worrying about, anything you're worried about, etc. Talk about condoms and lube and birth control pills. Don't go into specifics on your own sexual past, but let her know what you've done (but not who you've done it with, as that's not her business and might make her uncomfortable.) It sounds like you're doing well with communication so far, and that's great, so just keep the lines of communication open and things will likely go far more smoothly.
Oh, and get yourself tested, too. It's a good idea in general, and knowing you're clean will make her feel more comfortable.
So Abi, is now refusing to talk to me. We interacted as normal, then she randomly turned all douche-y then she claimed it was my behavior that changed not hers, and then she started crying and insisting that she can't deal with just being my friend and now signs off instantly anytime I talk to her. Ungh. I figure this is the sort of thing that will probably blow over once she finds a new guy to romance, but if not, she has two of my most valuable CDs out of my collection of out of print stuff. Is there a graceful way to ask for this back?
Nope. See shes hurt, and you did it.
You may never be pals, man. It happens like that sometimes. Give her space (but try and get your stuff back.)
QFT
Yes, it would be a mistake. Jeez, don't get her hopes up; be friendly but COMPLETELY 100% platonic. If she starts going on an "Oh I'm so ugly, you hate me" thing, just say "You know that's not true," and then change the subject. She's very likely fishing for compliments, maybe without meaning to, but it's not appropriate for you to flirt with her right now and it'll make it harder for her to get over you.
Also, I think it's a bad idea to hang out so soon after breaking her heart, but you seem pretty set on it. If you're going to do it anyway, hang out in a public place (not a date place, obviously) and have a set time you have to go.
As stated above that would be a huge mistake. You want to know what the best thing to do is? You need to be a dick (only a little.) You should not be readily available to hang, You should not respond to communiques fast, Don't be so nice to her- you rejected her. She needs distance or the game is still on. if you are hanging out there's still a chance, in her mind at least. Clean break man; then maybe, MAYBE, somewhere down the line if she's not batshit crazy and also, seperatly, 'over' you- you can be really good pals again. I think alot of people (breakuppers/dumpees) fuck themselves up by not just being a little mean and getting a clean break with some distance. Theres an old song about this stuff- "you have to be cruel to be kind..."
Secondly, do you think Jess would be pleased you are hanging with a girl that is infatuated with you? Seriously? Sounds pretty uncool move on your part; Abi is not just a pal you are hanging with on the side- there was romance even if it was just on abi's end. Think about If Jess were hanging with an old boyfriend... is that cool?
Oh and the CD's. This is classic breakup nonsense games. I left something at your place can I come over? I still have your cd's, lets hang out and you can get them? You may need to come to the realization that you might not get them back, or at the least they may be used to get time with you.
How are things with Jess? Damn you, now I want to know how it all turns out. I hate this forum for that sometimes. (no, no I love it....)
"You know that's not true" is the exact thing I keep saying to her. We have to see each other every wednesday because we both hang out with an old teacher of hers/friend of ours who let's us use art supplies on our school district's budget, plus he's an all around awesome guy. Then most sunday nights we hang out for my band, but didn't this week cause I had work.
Jess and I have talked about the Abi situation and she agreed she doesn't want her and I to hang out alone, but she says she fully trusts me and hasn't brought it up or said anything about it at all. She's being very very cool about it and I have to give her so much credit. She's awesome. I'd be okay with her hanging out with an ex, but I admit I might be a little intimidated. All of her exboyfriends have been airheaded super muscular pretty boys. I'm not horribly obese or anything, but I have a bit of a gut, and wouldn't call myself pretty. Oddly though, I never really feel that insecure about it.
Yeah, thats why I feel like everytime we have to see each other she's conveniently forgotten them. Honestly though, I really want to see her, and all that, so I don't think she needs to be playing those games, but obviously she does. I'm not opposed to seeing her, however currently she is changing her mind on being my friend or hating me on a day by day basis. Sometimes dropping conversations midway through because she gets upset. I've been trying to be kind of cold to her, and I've managed not to break it yet, and I think it's starting to work, I just don't want to push her so far away she hates me forever.
Things with Jess are going really super amazingly well. I've avoided bringing sex up, as like I said before I don't want to push her about it. If it's the sort of thing she wants, I'd like her to approach me. So on the male bragging rights page, I'm still where I was. Ahaha, I'm not even that guy. It's hard for me to talk about relationships with some of my guy (and even girl) friends because they're just like, "You put it in her yet?" but we didn't get to hang out at all this week because she's fighting with her parents and they forbid her to leave the house other than for work/school. I'm hoping to get to see her Wednesday. Her favorite movie is Labyrinth, and she doesn't have it on DVD so I bought it for her along with a Perry Bible Fellowship "Unicorn Power" T-shirt. Apparently she bought me Super Mario Galaxy (heard this through the grapevine so who knows). What I like best about talking with her about stuff is that she seems just as excited that I'm a geek as I am that she is. Cause honestly, by looking at her I had no idea she'd dig on Starwars and Muppets as much as I do, and before I could ever say that to her, she said that to me. So she's all, "I didn't know that there were boys who liked this stuff who were older than 10" but in a not-negative way. It's totally sweet. She has kind of mainstream-y taste in music, but very broad tastes. So since I have widely more obscure musical taste, I'm kind of nervous about talking about music with her, but we've managed to find a common ground sorta. She likes dancy-stuff best (she's a dancer, like, in a dancing league or something. Ahaha) and most of my favorite artists are really dancy, so it's pretty fly. Just in general though I have a really good time whenever I'm around her, and I feel like it's specifically because she's around, which I think is a rare and awesome feeling. I just hope it doesn't abruptly go away on either of our ends. I'm currently painting a picture of her. She had it on her myspace and it had this crazy awesome random light glare in the lens so I started painting it the day I saw it. It's coming along nicely.
Take it from me, a barely 20 year old with a 5 month old son who weighs less than a healthy newborn baby, SEX is NOT a good idea when you're not prepared for the rare outcome, "when protection decides to be ineffective."
Anyway... Yea.
Good job with Jess! It sounds like you're doing fine there. Make sure you don't take things too fast or get super-involved too quickly; just enjoy being around her and take your time. (Oh, and there's no time limit on how long you have to wait to have sex; just keep communication open and go for it when it feels right to both of you. Use a condom + another method of BC and you're good to go!)