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rape / sexual assault victims
Kusuguttai
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one of my close friends just told me she had been sexually assaulted, and I don't know what to do to help her.
what are some organizations and stuff like that? I have no experience in such matters.
what are some organizations and stuff like that? I have no experience in such matters.
Kusuguttai on
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Is she in counseling/therapy? I had fairly bad PTSD and desperately needed the psychological help. Just having someone to talk to is very helpful, so you can offer to serve in that regard, but professional help is invaluable.
i'm on the phone with her right now. I keep telling her to find help, but she lives far away and she says she doesn't want to talk about it. I don't know what to do. She said she talked to her school councilor but she feels like she can't talk about it
It's hard to talk about it, yes. What she's going through is very understandable. Is she in college or high school?
It took me several sessions with my therapist in order to feel comfortable enough to talk about what happened, and even now I tend to use euphemistic terms. Encourage her to seek help, be there for her if she does want to talk about it, and let her know you care about her. Sexual assault is terrible largely because it really shakes your confidence that you have any control over what happens to you; someone has taken something that, normally, you control, and it's terrifying. Imagine being possessed and having someone use your body to do things without your consent, and that's a lot what it's like.
at least i got her to promise to find help tomorrow.
i don't know if she will though
PSN: TheScrublet
Probably no matter what happened, would probably recomend a hospital or clinic.
Just be there for her, I guess. Any option of you or someone closer going to stay with her?
she lives with her family, so she's never really alone. i asked her to go to a clinic, but i don't know if she'll do it.
right now i'm just trying to support her and help her through this
oh man no way would i ever imply that this is in any way her fault
HOW CAN I HELP A SURVIVOR
A survivor of sexual assault has had control over their body taken away. It is natural for a survivor to feel a loss of power following a sexual assault, so it should be emphasized that surviving is an accomplishment - surviving a sexual assault is a testament to the individual's strenght, as many survivors report feeling. Encourage the person you suppor tto claim the label of SURVIVOR, rather than victim, as a tool of empowerment.
6 MUSTS of responding to a survivor:
1. Believe them
2. Listen
3. Do not minimize
4. validate
5. normalize
6. provide resources
HOW CAN YOU SUPPORT THE SURVIVOR?
-believe the survivor and tell them so
-do not blame the survivor for the assault. Tell them "it's not your fault"
-listen to the survivor
-the survivor may go through periods of denial. do no t push them to talk, but do not assume they are recovered
-accept the survivors reacionts, whatever they may be
-do not take control of the situation. letting the survivor make decisions will be empowering
-help the survivor identify a support system
-be patient and let the survivor recover at his or her own rate. this may take weeks, months, or years
-educate yourself
Sorry about the typo's but I just kind of transcribed it as I read. It's one page out of a 100+ page binder I have for when I'm on call, so forgive me if I stick to the basics.
It sounds like you have the "caring friend" thing down, so don't worry too much about what you are and aren't doing. My work is focused on strangers who have already decided to talk about what happened to them (and take the initiative to pick up the phone and call us) or on friends who want to know how to help; there are different goals then in the situation you are in, so remember that the above is just all the information i could compress. I'll try to tailor my own comments to you, however.
The best thing you can do (and the hardest) is listening to them and walking the line between minimizing, validating, and normalizing. You want to make sure they feel like their life is under control (nomalization) and they have the power to decide whatever they want about their future, their body, and their life. The risk here is minimizing what they've been through by saying "you'll get over it," or "don't worry so much." I don't think you'll have a problem with this, but it is worth mentioning.
Now for the hardest part of sexual assault counseling: Often, the best thing for her to do is talk about what happened. With you, with family, with a group, with a counselor, with whoever. The women I've talked to have all expressed the freedom they've felt when they felt like they were able to tell others about what had happened. However, this can take years, and some people never ever feel comfortable. It is important to let your friend know that this option is there, but, honestly, there is a good chance she will be extremely hesisitant, and there's nothing you can do about it. It's not something you can encourage, or push. The "letting her be in control" is the MOST important thing you can do for her, and she will make the choices she feels best.
Other than that, just be a good friend, which you shouldn't have any struggle doing. Be there and listen when she wants to talk, talk about anything else when she doesn't. It's good she told you about it, but be aware she may not feel comfortable actually talking about what happened.
As to resources, you can google search, that's my best advice. I would spend 40% of the time looking for resources for her, and the other 60% finding resources for you. No matter how much counseling someone has, a good support net of family and friends makes things so much easier.
I hope this helps. Since every person is different, the best I can do to help (especially without knowing specifics) is to throw everything I know at you and hope that some sticks. Some of the stuff listed in any "what to do" pamphlets/websites/books are things you will never need or want to do. Be your own judge. If you want more information and are comfortable talking about it, feel free to PM me. If not, or if you feel like you're doing all you can, than I wish you luck and thank you for being there for your friend.
EDIT: I was about to mention how surprised I was that The Cat hadn't already been in here, but now I see she ninja'd a post in above me. She would also probably be an excellent resource.
The thing is, this happened weeks ago, and she just now told me. Apparently it was just some guy at a party that she didn't know, and she didn't go to the police or the hospital. I'm also not sure whether she was outright raped or just assaulted sexually. I asked her to go back to her guidance councilor and ask where she can get help. Outreach center, therapy, whatever.
To Cat:
It wasn't a family member, as I just said in this very post. I don't know why she isn't telling her family. She's going to call me tonight and I will suggest that she tell them, or at the very least one of her sisters. Right now she is very confused and acting self-destructive (drugs, alcohol) as a way to cope with it. I begged her to stop at least with the drugs. Even if they make her feel better at the moment, she can't be dependent on that kind of stuff to get her through this. I would feel like a hypocrite if I asked her to stop drinking, as just the other night I got drunk off my ass. She apparently pointed this out to me, and I felt like a huge ass for taking her call while I was like that.
She's pretty close with one of her sisters I think...I'm gonna ask her if it would be a good idea to talk to her about it.
Yeah, this almost came out of nowhere, but I've been suspecting something like this happened since she started doing all the partying shit. She basically started doing like ecstasy and apparently a bit of coke, in the space of a few days out of nowhere. I'm glad she finally told me the truth and all, and right now I'm trying to get her to find help for herself.
I think the being judged thing is her main worry. I'm not sure how her mom will react to it. I'm sure her sisters will be supportive, I don't see why they wouldn't. However, if she doesn't feel comfortable telling them, then I'm not going to try and force her. She doesn't even want to see me, as she feels she can't trust any guy right now. I'm totally cool with that, and I'm giving her space, but at the same time talking with her and letting her know that people care about her and love her and want to help her through this. I've no idea about the help centers where she is, so if anyone knows of any such place in southern oregon, I'd love some links or a phone number or something.
National Helpline website
Jackpot. This is a resource I've never had to use, as the hotline is local, but it's one we've been made aware of. It seems to have one at least one phone number for every main city (I don't live in Oregon, but when I checked it was comphrehensive for the the states I have lived in).
I'd start at the RAINN site if you're looking for information yourself, and then help her find a resource close to her when she feels ready. Also, the RAINN site has this page where you can enter a specific zip code. Hopefully between that and the Women's Crisis Line website you'll find one or two good resources that are as close as possible.