Comedic monologues for men?

Chop Logic

I'm auditioning for a musical this Friday, and I need a comedic monologue. I have a really dry sense of humor, and I'm generally pretty funny (and modest!). I want to find a really good one because I'm going out for a major role. The show is "Bye Bye Birdie!", but a more modern monologue is totally fine, if not preferred. I just want it to be funny.

Any suggestions? Thanks a lot.

roflgoblin

I'm not very good at creating comedy, but I think knowing the situation helps to motivate a funny scenario. A few concepts I think would be great to play with would be:

- Giving the "best man's" speech at a wedding for a friend who recently came out of the closet, and who you knew to be straight while growing up.
- Taking a smoke break on the roof of an officer skyscraper, and you notice a stranger standing at the edge of the building, contemplating suicide. Your desperate attempt to talk this man out of ending his life ends with him turning around and zipping his pants up, walking by you, confused.
- Giving the "sex talk" to a child who just found one of your dirty magazines/caught you having sex.
- Giving a motivational speech that begins by sounding like a coach talking to his athletes and ends by revealing that you're inspiring a group of nerdy friends to get out there and get laid on the upcoming promising evening

LAWLZ

Good luck, let me know how it turns out.

ED!

Something from SPAMALOT?

DarkPrimus

Launcelot has a good monologue in The Merchant of Venice that I did back in my Voice and Diction class.

http://www.monologuearchive.com/s/shakespeare_028.html

It's not formatted very well on that page, unfortunately - much easier to get comedic timing with the lines metered out properly - but it should be a simple matter to check a copy of the play out at a local library and xerox the page.

Raiden333

I know what people think of me - I do.

They consider me a happy go lucky guy.. A care free sort.. Full of smiles.. Brimming with chuckles.. And what not.

Few people realize there is a darker side. Few people know that I have been living a sham.

Each night as I go home to my apartment, and my large bowl of popcorn, that I sit in silence with a dog for whom I feel nothing.

Nothing.

Maybe it's my fault for never having named the dog. See, I had him for 3 years and I just couldn't think one up. The only name that suited him was: 'Small Mammal With Whom I Live a Lie'

I've even given up trying small talk. Stuff like: "So? How's man's best friend today?"

(......)

"Boy, wok cooking sure is harder then it looks."

(......)

So, we'd sit, with heavy dreaded air between us.

And then, one night, it happened. I turned my head, and saw my dog looking at me. There we were, locked in a stare. Frozen in time. And in his eyes, I could see my human arrogance reflected back.

"How dare I eat meat!" ...I almost screamed.

(the room grows cloudy with the touching moment. They embrace, and dance about the room.)

... And as quickly as the moment came, it ended.

(dog burps)

The burp, like the moment is now gone forever. But as long as I live, I shall never forget the night I connected with my dog.

Chop Logic

^That one is pretty funny, except it will end kind of akwardly if I'm on stage by myself. Where's it from?

Also, the problem I'm having is that it needs to be around one minute. Around two at most.

Tarantio

http://notmyshoes.net/monologues/

That's where I got my monologue for my audition last week. I did Vincent's, from Remedial English.

Chop Logic

Thanks. I looked through your thread, and I'm thinking about doing this one:

Hi, eh, just writing a letter to someone in the hospital. You know it's always kinda hard to find the right words to say.

You know somehow 'How's the weather in the hospital? sure is nice outside.' just doesn't work.

But you gotta try, you know, you gotta show your concern so here's what I got so far.

Dear Guy I Clotheslined As You Went By on Your Bicycle.

You don't know me, but I'm the guy who broke your collarbone.

Now I've asked myself over and over why did I clothesline that guy. Perhaps I watched too much slapstick as a kid and expected you to get up after being violently assaulted. Imagine my confusion when you did not. Although not so confused that I'd actually hang around.

In all fairness, It was pretty funny, I mean the last thing you'd expect as you were riding merrily by on your bike is that someone you didn't know at all would stick out his arm and crush your throat.

I mean, you really should have seen it, It was just like WAM! BAM! (hahaha)

ANY-WAY....

In closing, as you lay there convalescing in your hospital be, I'm forced to wonder 'What were you doing riding your bike on the sidewalk anyway, Huh, ya asshole? side-WALK!

Maybe sometimes we bring heartache upon ourselves.

Signed, the guy that collapsed your trachea.

Thanks.

It's a little over a minute but it should be fine. It's just going to be me doing it in from of three people I think. If anyone has any other suggestions that'd be great. I'd be willing to go with a more conventional, safer one if it was really funny.

Raiden333

Chop Logic wrote: »

^That one is pretty funny, except it will end kind of akwardly if I'm on stage by myself. Where's it from?

Also, the problem I'm having is that it needs to be around one minute. Around two at most.

Kids in the Hall.

Iriah

In Neil Gaiman's Fragile Things there' a good monologue about 2/3 of the way through and he's written in the foreword that it's perfectly OK for people to use for auditions and so forth, and they have.

Tarantio

Iriah wrote: »

In Neil Gaiman's Fragile Things there' a good monologue about 2/3 of the way through and he's written in the foreword that it's perfectly OK for people to use for auditions and so forth, and they have.

That one goes about 3 minutes, though.

Iriah

Oops, didn't notice there was a time limit.