The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
New GF, and kids!
silence.
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So, I had an awesome night with this new girl I met tonight, definately hit it off, and is an extremely compatible person with myself.
Problem is, her ex-husband (whom she married out of ignorance) Knocked her up and she has a 10 month old son. said father is, for lack of better words, a fucking piece of shit.
Now, before anyone cries gold digger, for shits and giggles we checked eath other's ATM balances at a gas station (buying drinks) and she has more than 3 times the money in the bank than I do. (almost 20k, to be exact)
the way she broke it to me was by asking if she could tell me something, and made me promise not to think any different of her after she told me. thinking it was some simple drama thing, I said OK. So now I'm bound by my word to keep it going at least as a dating relationship.
I'm 21 currently, and in the military, her being a little older (by like two months). so, I rightly about flipped shit when she told me. but told her I would give it a serious thinking over.
Infinite wisdom of the Advice forum, PLEASE HELP.
Problem is, her ex-husband (whom she married out of ignorance) Knocked her up and she has a 10 month old son. said father is, for lack of better words, a fucking piece of shit.
Now, before anyone cries gold digger, for shits and giggles we checked eath other's ATM balances at a gas station (buying drinks) and she has more than 3 times the money in the bank than I do. (almost 20k, to be exact)
the way she broke it to me was by asking if she could tell me something, and made me promise not to think any different of her after she told me. thinking it was some simple drama thing, I said OK. So now I'm bound by my word to keep it going at least as a dating relationship.
I'm 21 currently, and in the military, her being a little older (by like two months). so, I rightly about flipped shit when she told me. but told her I would give it a serious thinking over.
Infinite wisdom of the Advice forum, PLEASE HELP.
silence. on
0
Posts
That 'promise you wont freak out' shit, is well... shit.
You're 21, and you're not obligated to stay with someone who has a kid. If you feel that you're ready to get into a relationship with a girl AND her kid, which it will be a relationship with both of them, then do it.
But if you don't feel like you can be any sort of parental figure at this stage in your life, don't force yourself too. It's shitty, but which is worse, breaking a 'promise' or continuing a relationship and possibley having the kid become attached to you and then suffer from abandonment?
If you do like each other, you owe it to each other to see where the relationship goes. At least she's started it off on the right foot by being honest and up front about what position she is in.
Just stay with her if you like her, kids are good and bad.
You don't have hat much to worry about, the military is quite stable as a career.
Also the reason I know this is I am a Sergeant in the Army and I work in the legal office. I have seen hundreds of Soldiers with this sad story.
Well. Some kids are.
But Cat is right - if you're casually dating, just fooling around, or whatever, there is no reason why a kid should be an issue beyond the superficial. I mean, fer chrissake, you only just met this woman. No-one is expecting you to take him out fishing at Tahoe for the weekend.
Um. OK. How are you bound? If you like her, keep seeing her because you like her, not because of some misguided kid-pity.
1.) He didn't knock her up, unless he raped her she was a willing participant, just as much her knocking herself up as him doing it.
2.) Why did she wait to tell you? Having a child in your life is a pretty big fucking deal and to be seeing someone for a bit before they even tell you is really shady on their part. I have kids from a previous relationship as did my fiance. We were both very open about it and we each knew before our first date. (If she told you the same night you met I retract this)
3.) You say not to scream gold digger but your checking each others ATM reciepts. This just isn't a good pratice in my book, she has 20k you said, any idea how she got it? Could it be she ran off with the last guys savings and that's why he's such a dick?
Being a dad is one of the greatest trials you will ever have to go through, but watching someone grow up and grow with you is something amazing in and of itself. I don't regret my decision in the slightest.
1.) What if he wans't wearing a condom when he told her that he was? Its not really that important to the OP how she became pregnant. She and the other guy are the only ones who know the answer to that question.
2.) While its not the best practice to hide something like that, most people would be noticably shaken by something like this. She probably didn't want to scare this guy off.
3.)That is strange about checking each others' balance. But with the second part your jumping to a pretty big conclusion don't you think?
ah, then we are in agreement then.
Well, they knocked each other up, unless he lied about using a condom, or something.
That's a little concerning considering you've gone on what, two dates?
That's very immature way of handleing it on her part. It's not something to be ashamed of, it's a child.
I would pass on this one, just seems too immature or clingly.
On a side note, and this is a little bit of Devil's Advocate here... but is the dad completely out of the picture? I don't mean that in the sense of "oh, is she still with him..!" but I mean that like, Is he going to be coming around wanting to take the kid when he's unfit to? You need to know what kind of drama you might be getting into there, and factor that into your decision. I've had friends who got together with single moms, and had to deal with the bullshit drama from the kids father to the point where they wanted to commit assault.
But anyway, if you like her, give it shot. You're not obligated to stay, just don't lie to yourself or to her.
I could be misreading the OP, as it seems somewhat disjointed and incoherent to me, but I think she told him on the same night that they met.
To the OP: It seems like you're taking things way too seriously, but I think more details about how you feel would help. Why are you flipping out about the kid? Is it because you're worried that you're going to be expected to take responsibility for him? If that is the case, I rather doubt you have to worry about that; the girl probably just wanted to let you know right off the bat so that you wouldn't feel like she was trying to hide anything from you. And how do you feel about this girl? You say you hit it off, but your post seems to imply that you've only known her for one night, so I'm wondering why you feel bound to a committed relationship with her already. And lastly, it is a bit weird that you guys would be sharing financial information on the first night you meet, but I guess it's not super creepy or anything.
Anyway, a kid isn't herpes -- it's another person. The only thing it means is that this girl is not looking for a casual fling where you hang out twice a month and have crazy sex -- she's looking for something more meaningful. She also has a pretty serious commitment at home that can limit your activities (as in no 3 week jaunts to Europe).
But the best way to approach it is to be honest with her. If you're seriously not looking for a long term relationship, tell her that now -- and point out that it's not just "OMG KID" but that you're pretty sure she wants someone who is looking for at least some level of stability in their relationship. If you think you might be cool with it, tell her so but that you'll have to take it slow.
I've got a story for you, it's short. I knew a guy, kind of a hipster, he lived in MN but moved out to LA to "make it." He complained how fake all the girls were and how it was full of shit out there, and that even though all the girls were hot they were boring. After a year he realized that he had no interest in a "scene" and moved back to MN. He dated a few girls and he met one that he hit it off with really well. He found out on the 2nd date, though, that she had a kid (who was like 6 or 7). Now, this guy's in his late 20s but hasn't really had a serious relationship, more like long-term dating. So he told her "You're cool, and we get along great, but I don't think I want to be a dad, even of my own kids. Can we do this without your kid, though?" They talked about it and figured they'd try it out.
After a couple months of dating, he was so into the girl that he figured he wanted to meet the kid, and when he did he realized that even though the kid wasn't his, the kid was so awesome and the girl was so awesome that he realized it didn't matter who the biological dad was, he could be a real dad to the kid. He already loved the mom so it wasn't a big step for him to love the kid as well.
Now, for him it was a big realization because he realized after he met the kid and that everything was going to be cool, that having a family (even a non-traditional one) was the stability that he always wanted but didn't realize he was looking for. So he tried something that he was scared witless about, and discovered that it worked out to be perfect for him.
That story isn't to say that you should stick with the girl because everything will be perfect. But don't let a kid, especially one as young as this one, throw you for a loop. It's a big deal, sure, and that's why she told you, but be up front with her and honest. She might be a perfect match for you, which would make the kid awesome because you'd both be awesome parents (happy parents usually raise pretty cool kids). But you might go out on a few more dates and, even without thinking of the kid, you might not be that into each other. Remember that, in the end, it's the girl you're dating, not the baby ;D
My advice is regarding the kid. Don't meet him until the relationship is stable. Don't meet him until you think you're going to be around and ready to be a part of his life. He probably won't pay much attention to you the first couple of times you meet but if you end up becoming a father figure to the little guy, then it's kind of cruel to take that away all of a sudden.
Anyway, good luck.
Ryan M Long Photography
Buy my Prints!
Also, looking at the situation, I'm thinking that since she told you about her kids within 24 hours of meeting her, I'd say she's not trying to hide anything. It would have been a shit salad if she'd waited a good three months. Honestly in this situation, it seems like the only way she could have really told you sooner would be like "Hi, nice to meet you, I'm a mom!" Which probably would scare guys away as quickly as if she had said she was a dude.
Yeah, I quit modding. No reason other than "I was tired of it."
About the knocked up thing: Wrong choice of words on my part. I'm honestly not sure about the situation of HOW she got pregnant in the first place, but thats really a moot point since she has a kid now.
the ATM thing was more my fault for joking about being a broke ass, then when I pulled out money for drinks I showed her just to say "yeah, I was joking."
About the relationship: Its still early in the relationship, and the fact that she was upfront and honest before it went anywhere gives me the feeling that she isn't some crazy psycobitch. We talked a bit later, and this morning as well, and she's continuing on as if the kid isn't part of it. thing is, I'm 100% positive that she's already had the "will this guy make a good father to my son" thought go through her head at least once. So right now I'm tapdancing around the subject and trying to get my head in order before making a decision.
@Casper: I've heard and seen plenty of horror stories, I know how to cover my ass and the red flags to watch for. (I'm not a soldier btw, Marine.)
As for the kid: right now, you're casually dating, which means the only thing you have to worry about is her maybe not being able to go out at a moment's notice. She's not necessarily looking for something long-term, either; moms like flings, too! You don't have a responsibility toward the kid if you keep dating her. You don't have a responsibility to keep dating her just because you promised not to freak out about something. (And besides, deciding that you don't want to date someone with a kid doesn't mean freaking out.) If you like her, keep seeing her, and see how you feel about the kid as things evolve. If you don't like her that much, don't ask her out again.
So, under the assumption that she is hoping for this to develop into a serious relationship: you have but to ask yourself first if you would ever consider a serious relationship with someone who already has a kid. If you would, keep going. If you wouldn't - as in you'd rule out the possibility entirely and not even consider it - it's probably best for her emotions and your sanity if you let her know that and drop out of the relationship category.
But if you're open to the possibility, keep going and see where it takes you. For all you know you could fall in love with this kid and want to be his/her parent. You'll only know for sure when it takes you there, unless you've already made up your mind that you don't want to be the parent of someone else's kid.
What are your limits on this 'word-bond?' What if she had told you that she was still married? That she was a lesbian? That she was on trial for murder?
The reason single parents don't want to be up front with that information is that relationships are difficult to begin with, and kids (no matter now normal you may think they are) complicate the issue substantially. And the truth is that there are plenty of alternatives out there for somebody who is looking for a relationship that doesn't have those complications. It's nice that she told you relatively soon, but 1) it is completely normal to be deeply concerned about this, and 2) you are under no moral obligation to continue pursuing a relationship.
Ok, I’m just going to address something that you aren’t catching from the other replies: you are not in a relationship with this woman. You have simply met her, had drinks, and God knows what else with her. Do yourself a favor and don’t get sucked into thinking that you’re suddenly her studmuffin and becoming a family or something. If you like her, date her casually for a while, make sure that she isn’t crazy, and then it will be time to start worrying about her kid and her ex. And if she is treat a night of drinks as a relationship, that’s a giant fucking red flag that this girl has issues!
I wouldn't say it's a sign she has issues. Maybe it's a sign that she isn't interested in nonsense relationships or men who'll come and go.
However, I agree completely that (A) it was unfair of her to demand that you not be affected by the news of kid/ex husband she told you (in the future, if someone tells you to promise that in advance, flatly decline. She could've told you that she just killed a guy in the bathroom and she needs you to help hide the body), and (B) That unfairness denotes that you shouldn't be held to that bond. It would be like someone asking you to promise to give them your car for an undisclosed but fair amount of money, and after you agree they hand you a dollar bill and swipe your keys.
So don't feel like you're bonded by this particular oath. An oath is a good thing, and I'm glad you take it seriously (too few people take their word seriously these days): but an oath gained through deception (as, whether she wanted to or not, she did to you) is not a valid oath at all.
I don't think she meant to put you in that position... but whether she wanted to or not, she did. And that's not your fault, and it's not a disservice to your character to discharge your vow (as it was unfair to begin with). Just in the future, if someone asks you to make such a "blind vow," don't agree to it. You have no idea what they might be trying to bond you into doing.
Most of the time, be ready for drama... sure the father may be out of the picture, but in ever case I've been involved with; there was a ton of drama and a ton of baggage. This could be the different for you... but i would still be wary of it.
Secondly, it's a kid... that is a lot of responsibility, but it's not your responsibility unless you "sign up for it"; I won't recommend doing that with A) a girl you only been on one date with and
Third, who keeps 20K in a checking or savings account linked to an ATM?... that seems kind of weird in my opinion.
fourth, there are a lot of girls out there that are just as nice or nicer but don't have a bunch of kids to look after.
Your young, I would suggest you date around and meet a lot of different girls before you settle down so that you have a better idea of what is out there.
I am currently dating a woman with a child. And oh man the drama she kicks up sometimes is insane and for no reason. I am a pretty level headed person with a stable job (in the military as well but on a shore tour) and some money in the bank. When we met I knew she had a kid and it doesn't really bother me. Also the child is older. 10 months is not a kid it is a baby. Unless she lives at home with her parents you are going to have a really hard time dating a girl like that.
She is always going to have to find child care or bring the baby along. It can not be left alone. She is going to love that baby more than you. It will be loud, smelly, and irritating. And if you continue dating past a few months She is going to expect you to help take care of it. Are you ready for that? You want to change diapers?
When I was 21 and in the military I went out and found a new girlfriend every weekend man. You got loose cash and we went from port to port. Enjoy it. When you get older the cute college girls don't stay interested in how awesome you are just because you are in the military.
And one last thing. like everyone else said. You went on one date with this girl and she already threw up a bunch of red flags. Is it all really worth it? You can do better. Don't be a sucker. I like the sergeant above have seen WAY too many sailors come into my office with a sob story about the single mom who has done them wrong.
Oh and lastly. DUDE use protection. If she got knocked up once she can get knocked up again. DO not be that guy. The cost to you personally of having a child is WAY more than you can afford. Junior enlisted or JO you can't afford it.
Or she keeps it in there so when she tells you she has a kid, she can show you the money and put you at ease about her finances, as it looks like she did to you. Either way she seems strange.
Think of it this way. If you made a mistake and had a baby, would you want to be kept isolated and lonely, never having anyone to date. Or would you hope to meet a girl who could love you for who you are, and when you are both ready, see how the child fits in together?
Give her a shot. You really have nothing to lose, and a whole lot to gain...
And in the future, don't show your ATM receipts to people. It comes off as either bragging or being creepy, especially with someone you just met.
Question: Is her baby-daddy a soldier too? In other words, is this around an fort environment where this woman is potentially jumping from soldier to soldier?
The reason I'm asking is that my brother is an Army Captain and he's told me some pretty horrific stories about guys getting hitched before shipping to war only to find that their woman has run off with their savings.
I'm not saying that these women are gold diggers. Maybe some are. But more often than not, the strains of war on a relationship are too much for some people to bear.
Obviously, that doesn't exactly apply to you, but it's something to be mindful of as you're trying to feel her our for who she is.
Kids can complicate things, that's for sure. But be aware that it's not your place, nor should it be your place, to play daddy. Make sure that she knows that before you choose to pursue this. But be advised that you will have to deal with the kid, and potentially the father, in one form or another and on multiple occasions.
Guys get scared off by kids. It's not something that I find particularly desirable in a woman. I dunno, it's just a preference because let's face it... kids aren't for everyone and they can complicate a relationship. At the same time, I don't exactly blame her for not telling you sooner, as she didn't want to scare you away.
Comparing ATM receipts is just plain weird though, IMO.
Good luck.
As far as the long run goes, you stick around long enough and that kid's going to recognize you. You'll feed it, play with it, and probably grow at least a little attached to it the more time you spend around it. You're 21 and this is one potential complication you probably don't need.
Also, from the sound of the OP, you met her one night and hit it off; this wasn't a prearranged date. Where did you meet? I only ask because I find it a little more than odd that a woman with a child less than a year old would be out at a bar or whatever. I know the social life of a young mother doesn't end at birth, but at the kid's age it just seems a bit queer to leave the child with someone else.