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The ex dilemma
soshi367
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Okay so the ex and i split up a month and a half ago. Shes seeing someone new and im single and looking. Weve communicated a little since and were on good terms however she wants to be friends and i tell her we cant because ill always want more, this culminated in me asking her to just pick either him or me and she picked him and im okay with it because it was her decision. So basically my problem is this guy and i know it shouldnt be my problem but it bugs me. First off this guy whos 23 met my ex of 19 in a cc art class. He alwready has a B.A in music from a uc and my ex is just starting to get her pre reqs out of the way. Anyway this guy is apparently something he can speak 7 langauges and play instruments and also sing. Heres my problem hes already telling my ex whos a virgin that he loves her after a month and he is way more experinced with sex having slept with multiple girls at the uc he went to. So my problem is this: this new guy seems better than me in everyway and its made me feel really down because i cant really compare is that normal? another thing thats been nagging at my mind is im wondering if this guy is just messing with my ex to sleep with her because shes average in all respects except looks(i love her though). One more thing this guy is leaving to that uc in the fall to pursue graduate studies and will probably break up with her so he can sleep with all those girls.
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None of your business, not your problem, its not your job to protect her from the big bad world even if you were still together, for the love of god and little green apples don't think about it. And who's to say that's not what she's doing? Women do have casual relationships too, you know, and not everyone is looking for ever-after.
As for your second question: we don't have anywhere nearly enough information to know whether or not the guy is actually infatuated with your ex or is just using her for nefarious purposes. I'd suggest not agonizing over this; she can take care of herself, and it's not your duty to examine every boyfriend in her life to divine his intentions so that you can swoop in and save her in case he's not pure of motives.
Really who the new guy is doesn't matter you put your feeling out there and she made her choice. All you can do is accept it and let go. Part of that is respecting her decisions and her ability to decide what she wants. It's not your place to protect her. Yes she is going to make decisions that will cause her pain but it's her life to lead.
Concentrate on your own life and don't worry about her. And definetly cut all contact. It will help you to move on and heal yourself. And really you need to worry about and take care of yourself now and not her.
If you don't want to be friends with her and are feeling inferior to her new boy, stop talking with her. Say something like "I need to heal, but I can't do that when we're talking all the time. We can't be friends, I'm sorry, have a nice life." You may have handled it wrong, but there's nothing to do about it now, so do your best to forget about it. Throwing yourself into self-improvement is a pretty good way to take your mind off things, and it'll make you a better catch for the next girl you date, so start working out, reading more, studying a new language, learning to dance, etc.
Also, paragraphs and capitalization are your friends.
It's not the best situation, but I'd say it's better than what would happen if you tried to just be friends and couldn't handle it. Perhaps saying "maybe after some time" would have been better, but perhaps leaving that option open would have made it harder to get over her. It's what you need to do.
And yeah, there's always somebody better than you at whatever you try, and there will most certainly be people who have accomplished more. I guess you can use that to go on a self-improvement kick, or just ignore it and go on with your life. It can make you feel bad, but even that is just normal, really.
Set your mind on something else, and get something accomplished.
So in relationships, I feel that anyone that has to be forced to make a decision isn't "into me" enough to make a long term committment to. If you are up for some shorter relationships that aren't very deep, then ultimatums can be useful. But if you are interested in something more serious, I don't think you'd ever have to ask someone to choose. If they are really into you, they won't need a choice.
It's really, REALLY hard to be friends with an ex you're still infatuated with. While you're around them you'll feel the need to act as a boyfriend/girlfriend type person... Or be completely fake.
You did make the right decision for yourself, which is who you should always be looking out for. It'll take time to heal, sir, but I think you can get through this.
Sadly true. I know it's the last thing you want to hear, and I'm truly sorry that you have to do this... but for your own sake, you must. I know it's hard... and I imagine many men here (including myself) have been through what you are going through. Trust us, it's better to walk away.
Women as young as she is are, for the most part, like squirrels crossing the road. They dart this way and that, and don't really know where they're going or what they're doing. They figure it out eventually, but usually not until a proverbial car smacks them in the head in their confusiion.
The fact is that she's going to make mistakes: we all do. This may or may not be one of them that she's making... he may or may not be a good man. He may be an absolute villian. But there's nothing you can do to save her from it right now. Being her friend through it will only mean that you'll hear about it, and it will fill you with rage, anger, and frustration. And it'll be even worse because you not only will be unable to help, but you'll have to sit there helpless and watch it happen... and if you interfere, it may only make the situation much worse.
Walk away. She has her own destiny to find, and it doesn't sound like she's going to let you help her through that. There are many women in this world, and though you may not want to hear it right now, there's likely one out there that will make you so glad that you chose to move on from this current one.
And don't feel bad about not being "up to par" with this guy. There are many things that make a person a "good person", and having skills or experience sexually are not the sole deciders of that.
So don't feel bad about yourself. I take it that you're probably young... you have many years to learn more things, become more intellectual, learn new things... there will always be someone technically "better than you" at any given thing, but there will not be someone who IS you. Be the best person you can be, and you will find someone who loves you for who YOU are, not dispite your imperfections but BECAUSE of them.
Now, the flip side of that coin is that you must be willing to accept imperfections in others as well... if you spend your life looking for a perfect goddess you'll end up alone. The character of a person is shaped as much by what they don't posess as what they do... when you can accept that, and find someone who accepts that in you, then neither of you will be interested in finding someone "better" because you will have fallen in love with the actual PERSON, and not the skills that they possess.
I hope that this helps. Hard times will be ahead, but don't lose hope. It may take time, but one day you'll look back on this event and realize that you were much better off moving on.