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Afraid to Committ (Girl, duh)
Penguin_Otaku
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So the girl I'm talking to definitely has some committal issues. They don't bother me really, because I understand the poor girl has been through quite a bit. She's been treated pretty badly by her past relationships, and when we first started talking (as friends, no less) she proclaimed she would never fall in love again. She also says she'll never get married nor have kids. Jokingly whenever she said this I always said, "People do say I'm an exceptional person."
So we've been talking for a while, and for the longest time I didn't think she had any interest in me at all. She knew I liked her a lot and I went as far as to ask, "Are we talking? I mean we talk and flirt a lot in a way that... friends just don't do." She said it was for me to decide, so I said sure we're talking. The next day she got upset about something and was pretty solid in saying that we now WEREN'T talking after a whole day. I kind of rolled my eyes but didn't really think much of it (not that I thought we were still "talking," but didn't let it get to me.)
From that point we both kept flirting and doing stuff that I thought was characteristic of people who were either dating, or nearly there. For some reason we got out of contact for a week. I decided to end the silence, asked her what was up to hear, "Ya, I'm talking to someone now." It hurt, a lot but I didn't let her see it. She kept trying to get me jealous but I didn't bite. Not so long after that she told me that the guy had gotten weird so she didn't want any of that anymore. "Oh," was my indifferent answer.
She tried to flirt with me and push me back into the whole flirting thing, but when I didn't bite she got mad and asked what was wrong. I told her I didn't want to be led on again, in return she told me the whole time she had told everyone that we had been talking, that she really liked me, and wanted to be with me. I was really taken back by all of this. It didn't make sense that she had told me we weren't, but apparently everyone else that we were.
I figured that if she really felt this way, she would've told me and she did. Maybe not in a conventional method but nevertheless she got there and I figured I should be happy with that considering she made it seem pretty sure she didn't want anything "serious" because she wanted to enjoy her Senior year (I'm a freshman in college.)
So we talk more, things are going great. Now the other night she dropped the "L-bomb" on me. It took me back, but I didn't find it hard to say it back. I felt she was sincere, albeit I had fallen asleep on the phone when she said it, had just randomly said it to her in a text after she woke me up again upset I had fallen asleep, then accused me of being awake the whole time (I really was asleep when she said it, and credited it to good timing by myself... she wasn't amused so much.)
All the while we're exclusive to the other; but, not dating really. Is this a red flag, if so what should I do? I don't want to push the girl into something because its taken her long enough to get where we're at. I'd hate to push her too far and just have her quit altogether.
Thanks, guys.
So we've been talking for a while, and for the longest time I didn't think she had any interest in me at all. She knew I liked her a lot and I went as far as to ask, "Are we talking? I mean we talk and flirt a lot in a way that... friends just don't do." She said it was for me to decide, so I said sure we're talking. The next day she got upset about something and was pretty solid in saying that we now WEREN'T talking after a whole day. I kind of rolled my eyes but didn't really think much of it (not that I thought we were still "talking," but didn't let it get to me.)
From that point we both kept flirting and doing stuff that I thought was characteristic of people who were either dating, or nearly there. For some reason we got out of contact for a week. I decided to end the silence, asked her what was up to hear, "Ya, I'm talking to someone now." It hurt, a lot but I didn't let her see it. She kept trying to get me jealous but I didn't bite. Not so long after that she told me that the guy had gotten weird so she didn't want any of that anymore. "Oh," was my indifferent answer.
She tried to flirt with me and push me back into the whole flirting thing, but when I didn't bite she got mad and asked what was wrong. I told her I didn't want to be led on again, in return she told me the whole time she had told everyone that we had been talking, that she really liked me, and wanted to be with me. I was really taken back by all of this. It didn't make sense that she had told me we weren't, but apparently everyone else that we were.
I figured that if she really felt this way, she would've told me and she did. Maybe not in a conventional method but nevertheless she got there and I figured I should be happy with that considering she made it seem pretty sure she didn't want anything "serious" because she wanted to enjoy her Senior year (I'm a freshman in college.)
So we talk more, things are going great. Now the other night she dropped the "L-bomb" on me. It took me back, but I didn't find it hard to say it back. I felt she was sincere, albeit I had fallen asleep on the phone when she said it, had just randomly said it to her in a text after she woke me up again upset I had fallen asleep, then accused me of being awake the whole time (I really was asleep when she said it, and credited it to good timing by myself... she wasn't amused so much.)
All the while we're exclusive to the other; but, not dating really. Is this a red flag, if so what should I do? I don't want to push the girl into something because its taken her long enough to get where we're at. I'd hate to push her too far and just have her quit altogether.
Thanks, guys.
Penguin_Otaku on
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Keeping that in mind, date her if you want to
1) Dont expect her to change. You say she plans never to marry or have kids. If you DO plan to do those things someday, this is a red flag. I have seen people go into such relationships either thinking its not that important (only for it someday to become a huge issue) or that the other person will change their mind once they realise how much they love each other (wishful thinking).
2) What exactly are you 'exclusive' to each other with, if you arent even dating? This doesnt seem to make sense. Have you both agreed not to date anyone at all? Whats going on?
3) If you have to potentially 'push her too far' just to even START a relationship, she's probably not the best girl to pursue. Find someone with less baggage.
It's true that some people think they don't want kids and then change their minds. But don't count on it. Don't get into a relationship thinking that you will convince her or "talk her around" or that you're just sooo cool that she'll change her mind.
But she confessed to me at one point that she did want to get married and she did want kids; she's just afraid she's not going to be good enough for either.
2) Ya, its confusing but more or less.. we're only talking to each other which rules out dating anyone else.
I dont even understand how you could be 'talking' to someone exclusively but not dating. What does that even mean?
I don't think you should be looking this far down the line right now though. She's still in high school and you're barely in college. If you had a great relationship going it'd be a different thing, but somehow it doesn't sound like talking exclusively to an extremely insecure girl a lot spells honeymoons and retiring together, at least not at this point.
I don't think anything's really happened yet for anyone to give advice on. She sounds like a nut. Some people like nuts though -- that whole almond joy thing.
It sounds to me like normal, high school girl BS. You're probably better off just forgetting about it, because if you can tell someone you love her, but only be "talking" then something is wacky.
In any case, many of the girl problem threads in here seem to be related to the same type of problem/girl (of which I am unfortunately well-acquainted). Chances are she doesn't really see herself with you for the long term, but she's keeping you around as a just-in-case or to make her feel better. Now obviously I don't know either of you so I can't be absolutely certain of that, but from your description that's what it sounds like.
I've been there, finally realized what was going on and moved on. It sucks, but they're generally not worth sticking around for the drama.
I have seen relationships prosper involving people who have a lot of baggage. My wife and I have encountered a lot of situations that resulted in baggage for both of us. We managed to get through it and are now happy. If you do decide to go the relationship route, just know that there is going to be a TON of work involved. When I say work that means from both of you. If both members of the relationship are not giving 100% each to make the relationship prosper then its already lost. Good Luck.
If she's ok with telling you she loves you, she should have no problem at all knowing and saying you're dating. If she does, then it is up to you, I myself would throw her back. Otherwise, aside from the awkward circling of each other in the beginning, it seems that things are going well.
Reading your post I was thinking you were older if kids and marriage was weighing on you as an issue...but freshman and a high schooler? You're overthinking this a little bit. Stay friends until she's in college with you and see where things go from there. You'll both have gained a little more maturity and be in the same place instead of relying on texting or phone calls.
If she has so many issues, you need to realize that you can't fix them...she needs to work them out first for herself and THEN come back to you a complete person. At the moment you're kind of feeding her drama.