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Men and women of D&D and the men and women they want
Organichu
poopspeesRegistered User regular
poopspeesRegistered User regular
As a brief preface: I understand that those things about which I'm going to speculate and inquire are, to some people, very sensitive and emotionally delicate. I'll endeavor to use even handed language but I am aware that as much as anyone in a contemporary society I likely harbor some latent sense of sexism. The imbalance of men:women here and the societal 'dynamic' of men as dominant in a relationship- amongst some other things- will inevitably lead to me maybe saying something improper or (and?) bothering someone. I apologize. In addition to the treacherous nature of the topic, I also have English as a second language. Basically, there are several elements of this thread that might bother some people- women, specifically. I want to forestall any of that potential offense with contrition. I really am sorry. I'm trying my best to not step on any toes in what I recognize as a volatile environment. Also, Stomp the Yard is playing on a television nearby as I type this and goddamnit I'm feeling frisky. :winky:
Last night a friend gave me a call and asked what I was up to. I told him (quite truthfully!) that I was reading Al-Ghazali. Well, he laughed at me and called me pretentious and we got onto that line of conversation, my Persian friend forgotten, when he brought up a point that I hadn't thought of for a long time.
"How long has it been since you've been in a relationship? Any since school ended in May?
Me: :x
"I can't hear what your face looks like... c'mon, when? I know there was that girl Marianne but that was 9 months ago."
Me:
So, long conversation abbreviated, he dug into the observation that I don't normally date girls with as much ... of an activist spirit as I possess. I guess what it boiled down to is that, though I want to discuss every issue imaginable and march in ever rally and write letters to every politician, my track record with females definitely doesn't reflect my personality. Not only do the girls who I typically court not go for 'getting up and going' in that sense, they don't really care on the inside, either. I'm 20 years old now and of the dozen or so girls I've had serious interest in (that escalated to more than one date and sometimes up to sexual activity and a sense of romantic permanence), I can only think of one or two who were 'intellectual' at all.
Here's the thing: I don't really have any friends like that. Most of my female friends are, like me, pretty fucking nerdy about most all topics under the sun. Well-read, traveled, etc. and generally a huge blast to talk to. Here I am dating (and sleeping with) girls who really don't fit into the type of people I associate with at all. That makes me really question... myself? Am I seriously one of those honky guys on track for being a middle aged businessman with a trophy wife? I'm not saying that I don't like the girls I like, but it definitely troubles me that there's such a huge dichotomy between the two.
Does that say something? Well, of course it says something; everything says something. Does it say something bad, though? That's what I'm getting at with this thread. I apologize for starting off with a huge wall of text about myself, but I figured that my thoughts would help to at least spur some thought and stir the juices. I know you're a bunch of smart people and it seems that you all have an opinion on jut about everything. My first thought was "do D&D people date the same type of people that they hang out with?". I thought that was limiting the question quite a bit so I decided to just try to get some general thoughts.
Crux of this thread: we all associate with a variety of different people in a variety of different ways. How do your romantic relationships differ from your friendships w.r.t. to the type of people you generally date|befriend?
Last night a friend gave me a call and asked what I was up to. I told him (quite truthfully!) that I was reading Al-Ghazali. Well, he laughed at me and called me pretentious and we got onto that line of conversation, my Persian friend forgotten, when he brought up a point that I hadn't thought of for a long time.
"How long has it been since you've been in a relationship? Any since school ended in May?
Me: :x
"I can't hear what your face looks like... c'mon, when? I know there was that girl Marianne but that was 9 months ago."
Me:
So, long conversation abbreviated, he dug into the observation that I don't normally date girls with as much ... of an activist spirit as I possess. I guess what it boiled down to is that, though I want to discuss every issue imaginable and march in ever rally and write letters to every politician, my track record with females definitely doesn't reflect my personality. Not only do the girls who I typically court not go for 'getting up and going' in that sense, they don't really care on the inside, either. I'm 20 years old now and of the dozen or so girls I've had serious interest in (that escalated to more than one date and sometimes up to sexual activity and a sense of romantic permanence), I can only think of one or two who were 'intellectual' at all.
Here's the thing: I don't really have any friends like that. Most of my female friends are, like me, pretty fucking nerdy about most all topics under the sun. Well-read, traveled, etc. and generally a huge blast to talk to. Here I am dating (and sleeping with) girls who really don't fit into the type of people I associate with at all. That makes me really question... myself? Am I seriously one of those honky guys on track for being a middle aged businessman with a trophy wife? I'm not saying that I don't like the girls I like, but it definitely troubles me that there's such a huge dichotomy between the two.
Does that say something? Well, of course it says something; everything says something. Does it say something bad, though? That's what I'm getting at with this thread. I apologize for starting off with a huge wall of text about myself, but I figured that my thoughts would help to at least spur some thought and stir the juices. I know you're a bunch of smart people and it seems that you all have an opinion on jut about everything. My first thought was "do D&D people date the same type of people that they hang out with?". I thought that was limiting the question quite a bit so I decided to just try to get some general thoughts.
Crux of this thread: we all associate with a variety of different people in a variety of different ways. How do your romantic relationships differ from your friendships w.r.t. to the type of people you generally date|befriend?
Organichu on
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There's something to be said for opposites attracting as well.
Though maybe we just pre-limit our relationship time by finding women that we know are not going to satisfy us, and then we dont have to commit overly long.
Maybe this is more of a H&A thread.
MWO: Adamski
What if they're the same pool of people instead of two seperate, oh I dunno, those things that you use to go up stuff?
Hell, I'm not even attracted to women unless I know they can hold their end of a conversation, i.e. I don't go for eye candy. That disqualifies like 80% of women I meet right there.
In answer to your question, if I had the choice I would definitely surround myself with the women I'm attracted to, i.e. intelligent / witty personalities.
At least, I hope not.
https://medium.com/@alascii
*snerk*
OP, you seem a little stressed out, do you feel like you don't date 'enough' or what? Because there is no enough, and there's no reason your personal energies need to work the same way in all aspects of your life. Also, you're pretty young. Relax :P
but to answer your question... dunno. I tend to tolerate more retardedness in friends than dates, but I'm more tolerant of a... lack of drive? in dates than friends. And I appear to have a thing for skinny blondes, although it could be just a statistical anomaly :P that's about it pattern-wise, though. I prefer not to group people like that.
That does sound awfully pretentious to me. Apologies if I'm wrong.
While I admire well-read people, none of the things you list is a prerequisite for being "smart".
Also, I seriously doubt that you're pretty fucking nerdy about most topics under the sun. More than likely you have a "go out" clique and you're all nerdy on the topics that are of common interest.
Finally, I'm not sure if I read your question/problem, but in short, unless the females you're dating are especially superficial, I don't see any problem with not dating a female yourself.
and I'm going to agree with the cat for a first in the 21st century.
*isn't a skinny blonde*
With regards to the question at hand, I don't differentiate a whole lot between the people I date and the people I hang out with. I may be doing it wrong, though. But to me, a date is just a more intimate friend, if that makes any sense; akin to a "friend with benefit", but with a tad bit more commitment.
what about chemistry and all that shit?
https://medium.com/@alascii
Er, well, first you need to define "friend." There's already a level of intimacy in every relationship I would call "friendship." By intimacy, I mean "closeness" - emotional or intellectual compatibility of some kind. Chemistry, of a sort. Anything else is an acquaintanceship.
And when you talk about "more intimate," once would assume that means sex. So if we're assuming sex, wouldn't that imply there is sexual chemistry between the two more-than-friends?
Chemistry tends to be a poor topic for discussion when on dates. You point out that you have to stir the sugar in immediately before the espresso gets cold because you're using enough to supersaturate the solution and thus it all has to go into solution while the coffee is at its peak temperature, most girls will give you a funny look.
Nah, I did that once. It was a thrilling 45 minute conversation, actually.
After that she unexpectedly left the country. Weird.
Also, it'd be nice if girls we fancied shared our interests but you can't help who you have feelings for.
"I feel superior to other people because I have better taste than them."
"Wow. Me too."
2 hours to 2 weeks later.
sex.
https://medium.com/@alascii
I find this an odd statement, considering I only fancy people who share my interests.
I find THIS an odd statement considering "opposites attract" was such a popular Paula Abdul song back in the day and that it's entirely possible to, er, fancy someone that doesn't have the same interests as you.
Meaning no slight to Paula Abdul, but if you don't share any interests with someone, then what the hell do you do when you are with them?
I've never met a girl who is passionate about video games with a leaning towards 40k, spends too much time on forums and who appreciates the genius of Termintator 2 and loves outkast.
https://medium.com/@alascii
I don't have any friends that share all my interests. That's kind of a good thing though.
I understand if you're saying it sucks to not be able to play video games with your partner, but .. there has to be something that you do together.
But really common interests aren't that important. I think maybe... common perspective or common values
https://medium.com/@alascii
If that isn't the case, and you're just attracted to "trophy wife" types, what of it? You can't help who you love.
Maybe ones that like mass effect are quite rare though.
https://medium.com/@alascii
Edit: Not directed against anyone in particular, just something that annoys me.
But we aren't identical. He likes metal and I like Joni Mitchell. I read more fantasy and he reads more sci-fi. I don't dig Smash Brothers and he loves it. He can watch Audition without throwing up in his mouth a little, which is what I do.
But we were friends first, and then the physical attraction kicked in. So I would not say that anyone is relegated to a life of trophy wives or trophy husbands or whatever. But I can say that I have a friend who is almost a carbon copy of me, and who has had absolutely no luck in finding someone to date, so it's not easy either.
It's funny, I used to think that, but for some reason those girls are getting more ubiquitous. The first anime convention I went to was a horrifying mountain of fatties in Sailor Moon and Chobits costumes, and I refused to ever go back because I was stalked by the convention staff because I was the only person who did not exceed the weight requirement. But I went to another one recently and somehow it was populated by cute teenagers in cat ears or Naruto headbands. So it looks like the trend is moving in favor of nerddom, or at least some kind of diet or lite nerddom.
example: University is the place you will see the prettiest girls in your life. and really- the kind of people at anime conventions aren't going to have a higher average intelligence than the world at large.
https://medium.com/@alascii
haha, i haven't been in a while.. so youre probably right. last time i went it was not a pleasant experience in any way shape or form.
Incidentally, I am currently playing the role of Boy Toy for two women who are active participants in my uni's theater society, which only further reinforces my theory that theater people often pick mates from their own stock.
I have never known theater people to date outside the theater clique, and if they did then they were shunned and/or ridiculed.
Edit: A part of me suspects that they do it because it contributes to the drama in their lives by almost ensuring trouble, like dating a coworker or a friend's ex.
This isn't actually usually true. You have to learn to see past facades put up to protect their social-lives from the consequences of appearing "too smart". And of course a lot of guys just don't even listen because they figure if a girl's hot she's probably not smart and thus not worth the effort (minimal effort, generally) to find out. There are a lot more hot, smart girls than it seems like at first glance.
And even if they're not too smart, they may end up having weird things in common with you. I just found out that my little sister plays Halo. She's a voice major at USC and she wears lots of makeup and dyes her hair, and she PLAYS HALO. I just kind of sat around in a coma for a while after hearing that, because WTF.
Of course, the number of women here outweigh the number of men, so that may have something to do with it.
EDIT: t Quid: You're daaaaamn right it is.
...
Right?