Ye Olde Breakup Thread

Pizza&Coffee

H/A, I summon thee!

My g/f of 1.5 years and I broke up almost two weeks ago. It was a very reluctant mutual decision. Surprisingly, I haven't been as distraught as I thought I would be. Instead, it's just moments throughout the day when I am reminded of her that really depresses me.

Basically, I moved five hours away for school in September. I know that she has been handling the distance way worse than I have been able to. We decided that it is not going to work out and ended it over the phone. It was the toughest telephone call I had to hang up in my life.

I have been avoiding contact with her since that night, to the point where I sign onto MSN invisibly to make sure that she isn't online. I'm afraid that any contact with her will trigger old emotions. There have been several times when I almost called her but I managed to stop myself.

My dilemma is this. I want to make sure she knows my reasons for avoiding her. While the decision to separate was mutual, I was the one who insisted on keeping no contact. How should I let her know that the lack of contact does not mean I don't care or have forgotten about her already? I don't want to rip open a wound that has already started healing, but I also don't want her to think bad of me.

The other thing is that her birthday is coming up soonish (a month or so). Will it be appropriate for me to wish her happy birthday with a card or a text message?

starmanbrand

...So...What exactly do you have to gain by letting her know the reason why you have been avoiding her and giving her a card or text message?

You are the one who has chosen no contact.

...Why are you flaking out on that choice now?

Keep your resolve and put the past behind you. Maybe once you distance yourself from your feelings you can be cool again, but...wait it out.

Smasher

You have a very strange definition of "no contact". It's totally unfair for you to avoid contact with her except to make sure she doesn't think poorly of you; it feels a lot like you're trying to have your cake and eat it too. There's absolutely no reason to reassure her you care and haven't forgotten about her, as it will only make the whole ordeal worse for her.

And definitely no on the birthday card or message. You really think bringing up memories of your relationship by contacting on her birthday is going to make her happy?

Specularity

Yeah, I have to agree that you shouldn't go out of your way to let her know...well, anything. I know it sounds harsh, but, usually, any gentleness will just make the whole breakup more difficult, longer, and more heart-wrenching for everyone, totally unnecessarily.

arcath

You got two choices. Stick to your resolve and don't contact her. You cant have your cake and eat it too. And contacting her on her birthday is beyond shitty. You are avoiding her for a reason, stick to it.

or you can just wuss out and let her know what you were doing and why you were doing it. But you would have to stop avoiding her. You cant just pop in and say, "happy birthday, and btw, I am ignoring you because I think its best, so later." You would actually have to keep in contact with her. And since this is something you are not willing to do, you should stay away.

Gdiguy

I wouldn't overthink it - she probably understands what you're doing, and I wouldn't worry too much about it

I just recently started talking to my first gf again (which would be around 5 years after we broke up due to the typical college thing) after actively avoiding contact for a long time, and we're just fine being friendly now... I wouldn't rush it until you're really over her (which probably means until you've seen someone else, though that could depend on your personality)

Rubick

I ended a relationship of two years a few months ago, and went through the same contact issues you are. I wanted to end all contact, at least for a while, but he wanted to try to remain friends, or whatnot. We've had a few phone calls, but haven't spoken in the last 2-3 weeks, and I prefer it this way. However, my birthday was about two weeks after we broke up, and I got upset that I didn't receive any contact from him - a text message would have been fine, especially since he was the one who said he would like to keep some kind of contact. Her birthday is in a month, see how you feel then. Usually your gut feeling is the way to go.

Daenris

Rubick wrote: »

I ended a relationship of two years a few months ago, and went through the same contact issues you are. I wanted to end all contact, at least for a while, but he wanted to try to remain friends, or whatnot. We've had a few phone calls, but haven't spoken in the last 2-3 weeks, and I prefer it this way. However, my birthday was about two weeks after we broke up, and I got upset that I didn't receive any contact from him - a text message would have been fine, especially since he was the one who said he would like to keep some kind of contact. Her birthday is in a month, see how you feel then. Usually your gut feeling is the way to go.

So you wanted to end all contact, but were upset when he didn't contact you on your birthday?

DodgeBlan

Well breakups are breakups but human decency still applies. You need to send her a text message at least for her birthday.

IreneDAdler

I'm sorry things didn't work out It's tough to end a relationship when you both still care for each other. As Gdiguy said, I imagine she understands why you wanted to cut off contact for a while, so I wouldn't sweat it. As for her birthday, it's hard to say either way, the consequences could be a mixture of good and bad (e.g. she's glad that you still think of her, but it makes her sad about not having you). I'd probably send a card, but you would probably be a better judge of that, since you know her better than we do.

Thanatos

You should maintain the total lack of contact. However, making an exception for a "happy birthday" text message won't be the end of the world.

Cryogen

I would also keep up the 'no contact' policy, but i would definately send a card. You didnt break up in a big huge argument so it would still be nice to acknowledge the occasion. But i would make sure the card got to her a few days before her birthday, just in case it does make her feel upset then she has a little time to feel better about it for the actual day.

Limp moose

you broke up with this person and broke off all contact. Are you ever going to see them again?

If not then why bother sending them a birthday note. Its not like you are going to see them in the future and they are going to be like OH HEY THANKS FOR THE CARD! instead its just a hollow card from someone who no longer cares about them.

/shrug if you do plan on seeing them again then send em a card but no mushy stuff just hey happy birthday now please dont contact me ever again.

No contact means no contact.

Clint Eastwood

How should I let her know that the lack of contact does not mean I don't care or have forgotten about her already?

Those two things are practically mutually exclusive. You can't tell somebody that you don't want to talk, text, call, or even acknowledge them any more and then tell them that you still care about them, it doesn't work that way. Or at least, it shouldn't.

Pizza&Coffee

Cloudman wrote: »

How should I let her know that the lack of contact does not mean I don't care or have forgotten about her already?

Those two things are practically mutually exclusive. You can't tell somebody that you don't want to talk, text, call, or even acknowledge them any more and then tell them that you still care about them, it doesn't work that way. Or at least, it shouldn't.

The trouble is I still care about her. I realize now breaking up on good terms really is tough. You don't have the hatred to help you get over the person and move on.

I should have explained to her everything during that last phone call. Unfortunately I wasn't in the best frame of mind to think clearly. I kick myself now when I realize I should have said to her while I still had the chance.

It sounds cliche, but the reason for trying to cut contact is because I still care. At the same time, I don't want her to think our relationship is so trivial to me that I can shut her out easily.

Limp moose wrote:

If not then why bother sending them a birthday note. Its not like you are going to see them in the future and they are going to be like OH HEY THANKS FOR THE CARD! instead its just a hollow card from someone who no longer cares about them.

Because I don't do things just for potential future benefits. Even if I never see her again, I want things to end on a good note.

IreneDAdler wrote:

I'd probably send a card, but you would probably be a better judge of that, since you know her better than we do.

I have actually never sent her anything through snail mail before so maybe it's not such a good time to start. I was planning to surprise her with a gift delivered on Valentine's Day. Damn that day is going to suck this year...

So I should probably think over this birthday note thing some more. I don't want her to be depressed on her birthday being reminded of me. But then again, would she be more depressed if she doesn't hear from me?

IreneDAdler

Don't mind me, I'm just being an old-fashioned fuddy-duddy about the card. I just don't much like texting for anything that's supposed to be more meaningful than "Are you going to be here on time?" Or if you're stitting in lecture, really really really bored, and so you text a friend to help ease the boredom. Maybe you can send an e-card? They're cheesy, but I like them. Anyway, it sounds like you've got your wits about you, and are handling the breakup in a mature manner. I'm sorry for the emotional turmoil you must be going through right now Just give it time, and eventually it'll be alright again.