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Helping someone who doesnt want help
tuscloud311
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So im in a difficult situation. Girl B (from earlier threads) is having some issues at work. As you may recall, she is a bartista and thus requires shipments to be delivered and depends heavily on them. For example, milk. She did not get her shipment of milk today so she was entirely out. Coffee without any form of milk pisses off a lot of people, and since she is the only one running the counter, it really kills her day.
On top of it, a LOT (like...800ish people) know about her and I to some extent. These people harass her (but mostly me) in a form that she does not like. She hates it.....A group of these people are very frequent visitors to her area, and have adapted a sort of "lets tease her" attitude.
It has kind of driven away from "Tuscloud and her" teasing, to a "just her" teasing. They call her things that are inside jokes (like a different name). Nothing that would raise an eyebrow, but she HATES it.
I was talking to her while these people shouted things across the room. She looked at me with that "get me out of here" look and said "im going to rip someones head off".
In the past, she has never wanted me to get invovled with her co-worker affairs....but i feel this is getting a little too far. She WILL quit her job soon if this continues. I feel the need to step in because she is afraid to. She simply says "i guess i just need to work harder and shrug it off"....but come on, thats not possible when its EVERY day.
One of the reasons i take it upon myself to help her (aside from the fact that i am absolutely in love with her) is because i know the people who give her shit. I talk to them regularly.....But like i said, she didnt want me to get involved.
So what the hell do i do!?
tl;dr: Girl B is getting pissed/stressed at job due to shitty people and may quit. What can i do?
On top of it, a LOT (like...800ish people) know about her and I to some extent. These people harass her (but mostly me) in a form that she does not like. She hates it.....A group of these people are very frequent visitors to her area, and have adapted a sort of "lets tease her" attitude.
It has kind of driven away from "Tuscloud and her" teasing, to a "just her" teasing. They call her things that are inside jokes (like a different name). Nothing that would raise an eyebrow, but she HATES it.
I was talking to her while these people shouted things across the room. She looked at me with that "get me out of here" look and said "im going to rip someones head off".
In the past, she has never wanted me to get invovled with her co-worker affairs....but i feel this is getting a little too far. She WILL quit her job soon if this continues. I feel the need to step in because she is afraid to. She simply says "i guess i just need to work harder and shrug it off"....but come on, thats not possible when its EVERY day.
One of the reasons i take it upon myself to help her (aside from the fact that i am absolutely in love with her) is because i know the people who give her shit. I talk to them regularly.....But like i said, she didnt want me to get involved.
So what the hell do i do!?
tl;dr: Girl B is getting pissed/stressed at job due to shitty people and may quit. What can i do?
tuscloud311 on
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Really, this sounds completely immature. How old is this group?
And you said you talk to them regularly, why not confront them on it? You don't have to clue Girl B into it ("I'm going to talk to them today") but just while you're doing a regular talk slip it in at the end or something. Say that the comments are really getting to her and making her just alienated (or something to that extent).
My biggest fear is that she will know i talked to them and get mad at me for it. But it could also be one of those "please dont say anything about it" and when i do, its like "thank you for saying something about it". i hate those.
Basically trying to get a feel for what you guys would do. Dont try to fix it, or do?
It definitely sounds like one of those situations. And even if it's left unsaid, there will probably be a mutual understanding of 'hey thanks'.
And 40-60? Sheesh. I was expecting a lot younger. You could probably tear into them for that. I'm presuming they work at your place as well yes? If so consider speaking to a supervisor about it as a last ditch, straight to the point solution.
But yeah, I'd say go for it. At least try to do something about it, as you seem to be putting it off as really getting to her, which isn't a good thing. If you two can't be around together when these tools are in the vicinity, that's a problem.
The only other option would be for HR to enforce some sort of punishments, but if it is this widespread?
If the people harassing her are coworkers, it's appropriate to talk to a manager - that's just not cool. If they're customers, it's a bit stickier, but still equally uncool.
If it used to be them teasing both of you, and now it's them teasing just her, and you're not saying anything about it, they may perceive your silence as permission to continue to carry on that way. Speaking up may redirect the comments to you, or it may stop the behavior. Just be quiet but firm about it, and don't say "This really bothers Girl B," say "It's really not cool that you're treating someone that way." That also gets you off the hook with Girl B, because you're sticking up for another human being, not specifically for her.
I'd say if she works there and the manager isn't throwing people out, the options are pretty limited. I would imagine that like in most situations, nearly everyone there thinks it's a fucked up thing to do. They're just all spineless and don't want to speak up when the vocal cockmouth's get to picking on someone they know can't come and put their face through a plate glass window.
It's her managers job to keep these people out of the establishment, and if the manager refuses to do so, I'd take it to corporate or the owner. (Starbucks or private coffee shack).
I'd also say if the job sucks that much, just support her and help her find new work. Try and make sure she doesn't do anything crazy like quit without something else lined up.
I personally dont think it would be best for her to leave. She is making a lot of money and will need it coming up, so changing jobs might drop her financially for a little bit. But thats just me. She also makes no indication that she would like to leave, OTHER than because these guys are being asshats to her.
If it was a random girl off the street, i would probably say something. But it is different because i wouldnt know if that random girl would want anyone to intervene or not. In this situation, i do know...and she doesnt want me to.
What the teasing is about is beyond me. 90% of the time it is an inside joke, and when i talk about it to her, she generally says "oh they piss me off so bad. He (will explain) is just a chauvinistic pig." So i typically dont get the details, and quite frankly im not sure if i even NEED the details to step in.
To update:
I talked to her last night about it, and she said that it is generally just 1 guy. The rest usually feed off of it. This guy is about 60 years old and seems like a jackass. He whistles (you know, the "oh man look at that hot girl" whistle) at her a lot when he walks in and stuff. Just really retarded things that REALLY get under her skin. I said "i will talk to him. let me handle it....it wont be around you and it wont cause a scene, i promise" and she said "no no, i will." so i laughed and said "what will you do?" and she said "ummm...i wont give them the extra flavor shot they ask for" and started laughing.
So i mean, its obvious to me that she will let it continue for fear of it being a problem. I on the other hand will be able to do something behind the scenes. But will she hate me for it?!
More importantly, should i handle it and just not even tell her i did?
I don't normally like to be indirect, but this situation seems to call for it. Avoid the main jackass (60yr old instigator). Do not talk to him. He is sure to relay anyconfrontation between you and him, back to her in a negative manner; she will simply catch more shit for the intervention.
You will have to go through his cohorts. If you talk to them regularly, (without the main jackass around?) try to dig info outof them. Why does he give her a hard time? Is he infatuated with her?
Try to find some type of reason. No one goes out of their way to pay attention to another human being for no reason. He is probly just a dirty old man.
On the other side, next time this comes up between you and the girl, mention the reasons behind his catcalling. See if you can spin it in a humourus light. If you can get her to laugh about it and see it from a perspective of 'its funny because the guy is so desprate to get female attention', then it won't bug her so much (and you will get brownie points, changing the attention from negative to positive in her mind). Other alternatives to improving how she handles the situation are: snappy comebacks (may increase the catcalling, but if she feels she is giving as well as she takes, it will not bug her so much), draw a line in the sand (convince her to stand up to the jackass and tell him in a most serious tone to stop; this kind of results in a 'delivering an ultimatum' situation and thus i'd go this route as a last resort), or stoic silence (works, but takes time to work; does she have the zin mastery for this?)
The real problem is that she didn't stick up for herself when it started. /sigh
As to possibly adding the manager to the equation, I wouldn't. I'm not sure what the rules are where you work, but I have yet to meet the workplace that did not frown upon employee relations becomeing more than just workmates. If this is not the case, then by all means, employ all resources available to stop the jackass.
"This is where I say something profound and you bow, so lets just skip to your part."
damn dude....that was....very helpful. lol.
One thing i didnt try is to spin the negative into a positive to get her to laugh about it. I think that will be the best way. Shes doing small things to block him out, but its only feeding him (such as slightly ignoring him)...
I've told her to stick up for herself cause i'm not always going to be around to defend her, but she just doesnt want to cause my problems and would rather absorb the blows than throw them back.
Agreed that the problem originated way back when due to her not stopping it in the first place. I hope she knows now and will prevent it from happening in a different place and time.
And as for the manager, he already knows about me. In fact, most of the entire company knows about me (our billionaire CEO actually talked to her about me. that shit was funny)...so me talking to the manager wouldnt raise eyebrows or anything. But i would much rather her do it.
Ok, this is pretty much closed. Very good ideas to bring up that just flew over my head. I guess i was just more annoyed than anything which would cause my judgement to be clouded. Thanks again guys!