Email from an old friend is actually a problem!

Locust76

I just now got an email from an old friend of mine. We haven't heard from each other in a few years and a lot has changed for the both of us. We parted ways on good terms.

The problem: She's best friends with an ex of mine who cheated on me while I was in Iraq. We tried the "friends" thing after that, mostly due to the shared circle of friends thing, but it was just too painful for me. I've taken a "she doesn't deserve to know how I'm doing" stance with the ex and I broke off all contact with her, which has served me quite well for the past 3 years.

The conundrum: I know that if I write my friend and tell her what's up that she will more than likely relay that information to my ex, which is something I really don't care for. My question is whether or not I should reestablish contact with the friend despite the fact that she's more than likely going to leak that info? Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

burntheladle

Ask your friend not to talk about it? Are they really likely too (your ex has probably moved on by now, she might not care to know)? And even if they do, does it really matter?

I guess if you are uncomfortable enough with the idea of the ex hearing things about you that it would seriously impact your willingness to rekindle this friendship, then maybe you should avoid the friendship.

Personally, I would try and be friends but not tell them anything deeply personal until I could get a better reading of whether or not things are actually getting back to the ex. I don't think I'd care if they were, unless it started affecting me directly (ex stirring up crazy shit). I suspect that what you're doing is probably not at the forefront of the ex's mind if it's been several years, and "she doesn't deserve to know how I'm doing" is only a stance that makes sense to me if the ex is actually trying to be involved in your life.

If she isn't, it kind of sucks for the friend in the middle to be caught out just because she might "leak" information. I'd say give it a shot and see how it goes.

Sami

I think you're being needlessly petty towards your ex, at the cost of your own friendships. Even if your friend told your ex how you were doing, what does that do? How does her having that knowledge affect your life in any way?

Basically what I'm saying here is apathy>animosity

Locust76

Well, the thing is that the ex has attempted to contact me maybe about 2 or 3 months ago, which shows she still thinks of me. Hearing of how I'm doing may cause her to pursue making contact with me again. I haven't tried it recently, but three years ago being in contact with her just hurt like hell, so I kind of don't want that.

Djeet

While you could ask your old friend not to talk with your ex about stuff you discuss with her, if they're good friends that just might not be possible (especially since it sounds like your ex is keen on getting info about you). People reveal stuff even if they don't intend to, and then she'll be in the shitter with you even if she was trying not to share but accidentally let something spill. Better to rekindle the old friendship and come to terms with the fact that once you share information with someone, they are free to do with it what they will.

Or you could just stop replying to your old friend, but that would be kinda

ViolentChemistry

How 'bout you just don't worry about it unless your ex tries to contact you and then if she does then you can tell your ex to fuck right off?

Fellhand

Get over it, it's been three years. Show that you've moved on and don't care by not concerning yourself with what your ex may think or may hear.

Don't live your life trying to spite this one person over something petty. It's in the past and you probably have more important things to concern yourself with.

Solandra

I can appreciate where you're at; my brother's best friend is my ex husband - all of that is fine as long as we don't talk about my ex. Here's how I'd approach the topic with the old friend - those are precious, so don't let your ex be an obstacle.

"Hey, yeah, things are going (insert status/situation) here. I heard from (the ex) a few months ago, but really don't feel like stirring all of that up at this point, ya know? So, how are things in your world these days?"

If the ex tries to contact you again, set up a rule in your email client to treat her email address like junk mail, or block it.

Good luck!