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stuck in a rut?:)
anomagnus
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So,
I’m not sure when I’m doing this, but I suppose advice is helpful.
I’ve recently come out of a relationship. My first relationship. I’m a bit of a geek to say the least, so she was my first girlfriend, and lets just say I was quite well into my twenties. I’m not a beast or anything, I just have/had zero confidence.
I met her at work, and she was a total babe, and, in something straight out of a movie, she liked me because I made her laugh, and I was kind her, and I didn’t seem to be too interested in her body (to be honest, it never occurred to me that she might have been interested in me. She took my stupidity for coolness or something!)
As the relationship progressed, we moved in together, and problems started showing. She was/is either an alcoholic, or so close to one that it makes no difference. When she’d drink, she’d become someone else, she became violent and abusive. Over two years, I experienced continued, periodic bouts of violence and abuse, followed by her making it up to me. When I tried to talk about this, the few people I told just laughed, ‘you’re a guy, or you’re 6’4, stand up for yourself’, but when someone you love is attacking you, its kinda hard to just hit them back.
But basically, over two years, she separated me from pretty much everyone I knew. I got caught in this vicious cycle where she would wear me down, and then she became the only person who could build me back up.
Recently, she’s gotten better (she got pretty sick, and couldn’t work for two years),, while I lost my job. At this opportune time, she informed me it was over, and she had found someone else.
Now, I’ve gotten a new job (in videogames, yay), but I’m left completely broke, my friends have (rightly) left me behind, and basically without either the will or drive to talk to people. I just feel, empty.
I don’t know how to progress. I’ve tried a few tentative approaches to getting in touch with some friends, but the response has been cool, at best, and ignored from a few others. I don’t blame them, I know it looked like I just deserted them once I finally found someone, and I suppose in the beginning it was kinda true.
I just don’t know how to progress.
I’m not sure when I’m doing this, but I suppose advice is helpful.
I’ve recently come out of a relationship. My first relationship. I’m a bit of a geek to say the least, so she was my first girlfriend, and lets just say I was quite well into my twenties. I’m not a beast or anything, I just have/had zero confidence.
I met her at work, and she was a total babe, and, in something straight out of a movie, she liked me because I made her laugh, and I was kind her, and I didn’t seem to be too interested in her body (to be honest, it never occurred to me that she might have been interested in me. She took my stupidity for coolness or something!)
As the relationship progressed, we moved in together, and problems started showing. She was/is either an alcoholic, or so close to one that it makes no difference. When she’d drink, she’d become someone else, she became violent and abusive. Over two years, I experienced continued, periodic bouts of violence and abuse, followed by her making it up to me. When I tried to talk about this, the few people I told just laughed, ‘you’re a guy, or you’re 6’4, stand up for yourself’, but when someone you love is attacking you, its kinda hard to just hit them back.
But basically, over two years, she separated me from pretty much everyone I knew. I got caught in this vicious cycle where she would wear me down, and then she became the only person who could build me back up.
Recently, she’s gotten better (she got pretty sick, and couldn’t work for two years),, while I lost my job. At this opportune time, she informed me it was over, and she had found someone else.
Now, I’ve gotten a new job (in videogames, yay), but I’m left completely broke, my friends have (rightly) left me behind, and basically without either the will or drive to talk to people. I just feel, empty.
I don’t know how to progress. I’ve tried a few tentative approaches to getting in touch with some friends, but the response has been cool, at best, and ignored from a few others. I don’t blame them, I know it looked like I just deserted them once I finally found someone, and I suppose in the beginning it was kinda true.
I just don’t know how to progress.
anomagnus on
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But you need to know something about this process, something important vitally important... You have been undone, but you can rebuild yourself.
Think about what has happened to you over the course of your relationship, you changed. You changed for her primarily, you changed to make her happier, to reduce conflict to be a million and one things in order to make your life work with her. Of course it didn't matter in the end, she was a broken person, and broken people will break others if they get the chance.
Yet from your rut you can look up and see the sky. You can see what you want for your life, what you don't want, where you want to go, who you want to be, what you want to be.
It's tough now, but it's time to be tough. Maybe you can't see your way forward, but it's a rare person that can see the big picture right away, especially after a heart wrenching breakup. What you need to do is take baby steps. Something small.
Is there something small you would like to do right now? Maybe go to the gym? Or perhaps learn a new skill? Maybe even buying something you wanted. The point is you need to pick up the small pieces of your life first. Then you start regaining control... and control is what you are lacking.
Small steps. Then all the suppressed ideas about what you can do in this life will start creeping back. And you know what? If you can succeed now, after this, you can do anything. She may have crushed you, but once you realise just how resilient you are, you will gain a confidence you never had before.
Just believe in yourself and take small steps.
Yeah pretty much.
Most of my friends have had shitty girlfriends that ruined their lives atleast once. We dont hang out with them for a year or 2, but when they inevitably break up, we start hanging out again. Hell, my current roommate dated a total bitch for like 5 years. We were best friends in highschool, but then i stopped hanging out with him because i fucking hated her. When they broke up he called me and said "I left that stupid bitch, wanna live together?".
If all your friends are total dicks, well, you just started a new job, so start making new friends. Look at this as a positive, you no longer have a shitty bitch dragging you down. Thats a real bonus.
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Eat that humble pie.
If your friends ever really cared at all, they'd respond well to your call for help. After all, if this was your first relationship, and you were bound to make mistakes like this.
Yeah he's right. This will at least get 80-90% of your friends back. Hopefully all of them will listen to you again, but I ran into the exact same situation.
First girlfriend. Lost contact with friends. Lost girlfriend. Called friends back up and apologized profusely, and got back quite a few (although my Best Friend at the time still hasn't talked to me in 5 years... Kinda hurts).
But really, just call them up and apologize for acting the way you did. Shit happens, they should understand that.
The others in this thread are 100% right: your friends will come back. Hell, you don't even need to be that contrite; if they have any experience with women, chances are good that they've done the same thing at some point. Just keep trying, and they'll relent.
As far as the other stuff goes, I'd recommend at least some sort of nebulous "program" to make you happier with yourself. It's very simple, really...get involved in some things that fulfill you, that make you feel good about yourself. Do you like reading? Hit the bookstores or get a library card. Like yourself more if you're bowling? Wax that ball and find a league. Feel better about yourself if you're jogging regularly? Buy a new pair of Nikes, and hit the streets. Identify and pursue interests that lift you up (whatever those interests are), and continue to pursue those interest even after you have reestablished your friendships or found a new relationship. Fulfilled people are happier and more confident, and happy, confident people have an easier time maintaining healthy friendships and relationships.
Best of luck.
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My only other suggestion other than the "distract yourself, go out with friends, buy yourself something, etc" (which are all very excellent suggestions) would be physical exercise of some sort if you can manage it. Once you get into it, it can help you feel much better when you're feeling down, and watching yourself get into better shape can really help build you back up confidence/self esteem. If you can't exercise, pick another activity that will let you see improvement and accomplishment.
It's important to know that you really will get through this and move on to bigger and better things. You'll be a better person for going through this and will find bigger and better things.
i guess i just swallowed some more humble pie (man, thats tough eating) and just pushed a little harder with some friends.
lets see what happens:)
thanks all