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giving a girl signals
catfox90
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So here's the gist;
I'm in my first year of university at the moment, second term, I'm living in a flat of 12 people, living next door to me is this girl..
Since the beginning of term 2 I have started to really like her a lot, I am very very picky when it comes to girls so this is kind of rare for me.. she has a boyfriend though who lives like 6-7hours away in a different university, they have been going out for like a year or something.
When me and this girl go out on like nights out with the flat or whatnot, she always does stuff like rest her head on my shoulder and link arms with me and stuff a lot and doesn't really do this with the other guys we go out with..
I guess the help I'm asking for is, where should I go from here? I really want to date this girl but I'm not that confidant a person and I'm not very pro at giving/receiving signals, although I think I may be getting some from her..
I'm in my first year of university at the moment, second term, I'm living in a flat of 12 people, living next door to me is this girl..
Since the beginning of term 2 I have started to really like her a lot, I am very very picky when it comes to girls so this is kind of rare for me.. she has a boyfriend though who lives like 6-7hours away in a different university, they have been going out for like a year or something.
When me and this girl go out on like nights out with the flat or whatnot, she always does stuff like rest her head on my shoulder and link arms with me and stuff a lot and doesn't really do this with the other guys we go out with..
I guess the help I'm asking for is, where should I go from here? I really want to date this girl but I'm not that confidant a person and I'm not very pro at giving/receiving signals, although I think I may be getting some from her..
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......Then again, I've been single for 15 years.
You proably shouldn't take my advice.
GM: Rusty Chains (DH Ongoing)
*edit*also i'm living with her for the next 4 years so i can't imagine it not being very awkward if i take the direct approach and get turned down
if there's one thing I've learned in my short life, it's that you can never plan on a relationship ending.
How often does she mention her boyfriend around you? and if/when she does is she saying positive or negative things?
I'll also echo Raiden333 in saying that there is absolutely no guarantee that she'll break up with her boyfriend anytime soon unless you give her a reason to.
huh i never really thought of it that way, i guess the best reason she'd have for breaking up with her current boyfriend is if someone else comes along eh? Okay thanks, i guess I'll wait until he's buggered off back down to his uni and talk to her about it..
Speaking as a guy in a long distance relationship, why don't you leave the girl alone and stop trying to make a hard thing even harder? I realise this might be a biased opinion, but it doesn't seem like anyone's really considering the poor boyfriend here. It's a classic case of "out of sight, okay to assume he's a total dick and I'd be rescuing her."
If she actually properly comes on to you while in the relationship then fair enough (and do you want a girl like that anyway?), but otherwise, I'm going to have to say that contemplating making a move seems pretty selfish.
/Devil's Advocate
I dunno, I kinda think that it's more like giving her the choice you know. IF she likes him and its serious and so on then fine, she'll not be interested but if she's just hanging on to some long distance thing through guilt then why not present the option?
You're assuming she wants to get out of the relationship, but it's a huge thing to assume. Bear in mind you're very probably risking your friendship for this. If I was the guy, the second I heard about this I'd start getting pissed off every time I heard of her hanging out with you, unless you're so much of a non-threat (and she can convince me of that) that I wouldn't care. That's human nature too.
Because of this, even if she doesn't take you up on your offer, you'd quite possibly be injecting hot poison into the relationship on the strength of cute girly bullshit like linking arms and using you as a pillow. She'd want to hang with her friend, but he'd obviously (and understandably, if you're honest) take issue with that and not want you anywhere near her. Thus a conflict is born, and a kind of one that is very hard to resolve at long distance.
If your conscience still isn't making your cheeks prickle with guilt all things considered, and you want to risk the kind of beating a lad in love can deliver, then go ahead. Whatever you do though, don't do it by halves. If you just become a "Back Door Man" (read the second paragraph) then you will deservedly go straight to hell. She either breaks up with the guy for you or you drop it. Don't let yourself be used as a glorified sex toy (no matter how appealing that sounds ;-)). You'll only get hurt in the end.
Because she is responsible for her choices. If she wants to fuck her boyfriend over, that's really her moral choice, not the topic creator's.
You are right that's it's selfish, but that begs another question: So what? It's not the topic creator's responsibility to make sure this girl remains faithful. He likes her and she can do what she wants.
If he asked in the initial post if this was the right thing to do then I can understand why you'd give him this feedback, but since he didn't it isn't really your place to start preaching your moral stance on the topic. if she is commited to her boyfriend then whatever advances he makes won't matter. If she's not then she is bound to find someone new anyway and that isn't necessarily the worst thing in the world.
I was thinking on how to reply to this but theres nothing i can say other than you're absolutely right..it IS selfish of me but i can live with it. I'd rather be with her and have her old boyfriend be sad than things staying the way they are and me being jealous..
Plus, everyone up till that point was just saying yeah dawg, go for it, fuck the other guy. Thought he could do with a little of why he shouldn't. I get now that my emotions got a little carried away and I basically forgot he was just asking how to tell the girl he liked her, but I stand by what I wrote and I don't think it hurt for him to read it.
Do what they said if you're cool with the whole 'nabbing a girl in a long distance relationship' thing. If she's interested but you aren't confident (as a man should be, in most girl's eyes) and decisive in expressing your own interest, then she'll lose hers fast. Hesitance and the whole too-shy-to-make-a-move-though-obviously-into-her thing normally isn't a turn on.
Most long distance relationship are epic failures. Honestly, just ask her to coffee sometime and see if it progresses.
Ask her out. If you guys hit it off, then worry about the boyfriend. If it doesn't pan out, then just forget it and she can go back to her boyfriend. I mean, it's a shitty situation and I don't really advocate aggressively going after somebody who is in a relationship, but she's made her intentions pretty clear. I don't know what kind of "signals" you want to give off, as she's laying it down pretty thick. Ask her out if that's what you want.
Do you value her friendship or a potential relationship more? I would advise against becoming 'the other man' either way though.
Yeah, if you guys hit it off make sure she knows you are uncomfortable with her stringing along the guy.
In his case, the girl sent all sorts of signals, they hung out constantly, she knew he was into her, and she obviously liked him - but he ended up as sort of a surrogate boyfriend. She enjoyed the attention/flirting from him, but it never turned into anything more. When eventually the boyfriend moved back closer, she was done with my friend.
My advice: Make things clear to her on your end. If she seems receptive to dating you, you need to get her to end things with the other guy ASAP. Not only is that fairest for him, it will also prevent you from being strung along so she can have her cake and eat it, too.
On the whole though - you're the one that's free up and can find other girls. She's committed, and what you'd be doing is pretty low. You said you can live with it, so I won't argue with you there - but fair warning that most relationships (that I've witnessed.) that start off by stepping on the backs of a previous one are never very successful.
Good luck.
"Hey, I think I've been getting some signals here, and I'm really interested in going out with you, am I reading this right?"
if its a yes, then part 2 is:
"Okay, awesome, but we cant move forward until you split up with your boyfriend, if you respect him at all we cant go sneaking around behind his back."
Once she's broken up with him, then you guys are free and clear, and hopefully it sets the tone of an honest and open relationship. Also note that when she tries to break up with her boyfriend, he's not going to just lay down like a carpet, he may try to win her back, expect it.
*This is where Gnomes sexism shows: Be very very careful that she doesnt just play the two of you off against each other for her own amusement*
MWO: Adamski
God i would not want to end up in the same situation as your friend..I can't think of a worse outcome, thanks for the advice, i will talk to her about it when her boyfriend goes home after this weekend..although then again i might wait a little bit after that so that he's not so fresh in her mind..
Can I just state again for the record that you should really think about the boyfriend as a human being for a second and not as an obstacle?
Christ, maybe this is why I'm still single.
Nobody is advocating that she string him along or anything. She is laying on the signals pretty thick, and it's not like he's going out of his way to fuck with the dude's day.
I don't know about that whole "asking her out will poison her relationship" outlook. If asking her out causes trouble in her relationship then it's legs aren't strong to begin with.
Personally I'd wait until she loses the guy because I'd prefer to be with someone who knows what she wants and doesn't have to wait around for something else to come along. I wouldn't try to read too much into her being cozy with you, if she considers you a good friend, it's completely natural. I have female friends who who I will be as cozy with, hell even curl up in bed with, but we're just good friends (which is why my girlfriend is ok with it).
If you do talk to her about how you feel, you need to be straightforward and not pussy foot around. Either you make a move (read: try to kiss her) or you say "hey I really like you. I want to be more than friends." You need to make sure she clearly understands your intentions.
1. If she says she's not interested, drop it.
2. If she does not return your physical affection in kind, break up with her boyfriend, or give you some other absolutely clear signal, drop it. She'll end up leading you on.
3. If she does however make it clear that she wants you and is willing to forsake all others, then you are in.
As long as you're open and honest about your intentions you will be fine however it works out. Only sneaky shits go to hell.
No, she really isn't, actually. Coming into physical contact with him could very well not even be considered a signal in her eyes.
And I agree with the folks who are reminding you to think of the boyfriend. Unless of course you are down with building a relationship on top of shit and drama. Just kind of a tough situation to be honorable in.
1. She likes you and she's trying to find a way out of her current relationship.
2. She thinks you're "safe."
I wouldn't ask her straight out. Just find time to be alone with her and see where it goes. Oh, and don't ever say anything bad about her boyfriend, even if she says it first. That's a sure way to become the bad guy.
Yes.
/hide in plain sight.
Also those who are asking me to think of the boyfriend..i think I'm going to take this mans advice:
it just sounds slightly more appealing than the guilt trip ;-)
You may close this thread now, consider the problem solved, i know what I'm going to do, thanks a bunch
I thought I put it better :P
the best possible scenario for you is that you ask her out, she says yes, she dumps her boyfriend, you date, the end.
except not the end, because you've just created a dramabomb by asking out a girl you knew was in a relationship. even if you are successful, either she's going to be called a whore or you're going to be called a jackass. not only that, but now you've gotta live with the people who know what all is going on for the foreseeable future. if you think the people you live with will be cool with that, more power to you.
but let's say she turns you down. now you've still got to deal with the above, but you've also lost whatever relationship you might've had with the girl. all that nice stuff like linking arms and being close, that's gone. and you're still the jackass.
here's my advice: wait it out. if she and her boyfriend stay together, maybe they might actually be *GASP* happy together and you shouldn't mess that up for them. if they don't, there's your chance. don't make it difficult for her just because she's in a relationship and you're picky.