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Help me deal with my passive agressive bully!
Nima
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Last term this girl, X, and I worked together as part of a small team building an online game.
Very early on, she seemed to take against me in a big way. I think this is partly because we are the only women on an otherwise all-male games course. My theory is that she felt threatened by me somehow, like I was challenging her status.
X bullied me throughout this project in some pretty nasty ways - the nastiest of which was all-out yelling at me at a team meeting for the heinous crime of not being able to attend the previous meeting, which I had told her *before she booked it* that I wouldn't be able to come to if she held it on that day.
I've found her hostile, passive agressive - all the bullying tactics someone uses when they can't actually physically do anything to you. This got to the point last term where I was having panic attacks before having to attend a meeting with her.
The problem is, this term I'm in another small group with her (no possibility of changing. This is the design team of a class-wide project to make a game level). I hoped we could put our differences behind us, but I found out this-morning that she's been leaving me off her email lists, so I've not had a say in a few things I didn't even know were going on.
Now this girl really likes to be in control. I'm scared she'll grab control of our small group without being asked, like she did last time, and I'll spend another term excluded from all decisions and answering to her.
Can anyone help me handle her?
Very early on, she seemed to take against me in a big way. I think this is partly because we are the only women on an otherwise all-male games course. My theory is that she felt threatened by me somehow, like I was challenging her status.
X bullied me throughout this project in some pretty nasty ways - the nastiest of which was all-out yelling at me at a team meeting for the heinous crime of not being able to attend the previous meeting, which I had told her *before she booked it* that I wouldn't be able to come to if she held it on that day.
I've found her hostile, passive agressive - all the bullying tactics someone uses when they can't actually physically do anything to you. This got to the point last term where I was having panic attacks before having to attend a meeting with her.
The problem is, this term I'm in another small group with her (no possibility of changing. This is the design team of a class-wide project to make a game level). I hoped we could put our differences behind us, but I found out this-morning that she's been leaving me off her email lists, so I've not had a say in a few things I didn't even know were going on.
Now this girl really likes to be in control. I'm scared she'll grab control of our small group without being asked, like she did last time, and I'll spend another term excluded from all decisions and answering to her.
Can anyone help me handle her?
Nima on
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If she has deliberately excluded you from group-shit you should tell the professor as much, that's clearly not-okay.
I will be the last one suggest you should go running to the authorities for every little thing, and there may very well be times in the "real" world of work where you have no choice but to deal with jerks like this....But if you're having actual panic attacks because of this person, something's definately not right.
Your professor or someone else with weight behind their words needs to have a chat with this girl about her conduct - just because you're in college doesn't mean behavior standards go out the window.
This is exactly how female bullies do it: By taking control of a group and turning it against their target. Remember high school? Same thing.
Next meeting, you bring your participation in the project right to the front by asking her "Why am I not on our project email-list? I am part of the group, am I not?" (Obviously you are; it's not her call to make)
"Then why was I left off the list? Who made that call?" Chances are she'll mumble something about an oversight, or possibly pass the buck off to one of the others. Ignore that and stay on her.
"Oh, like last semester? When you did the same thing? What exactly is your problem with me?" Keep asking questions, keep her on the defense. I'll bet you dollars to donuts she'll fold like a deck of cards. Remember to do this in full view of the others in the group; you must break her hold over both you and them.
Also, google for "passive agressive bullies" and see what companies do about this problem. They take it very seriously, I assure you.
"Laugh while you can, monkey-boy!"
~ Dr. Emilio Lizardo
What I would do if I was you is just be a lot cooler and more noticeable than her. When in groups I would talk the most, be the most friendly and helpful to everyone else. This will force her to either bluntly try to dominate you in front of everyone (she will look like an asshat and you should most definitely call her on it) or she will just recede into the background as the unlikeable antisocialite that she is.
PRETTY MUST JUST STAND UP FOR YOURSELF.
I would be concerned about confronting her because everything she's done has plausible deniability ('I forgot to add you to the list', etc) - I'm more likely to end up looking irrational if I call her on those things. Plus I am absolutely terrible at getting my point across when I am emotional or when someone is verbally attacking me. My system just floods with adrenaline and I'm not going to think of the right things (or anything) to say when that happens.
Thanks for the suggestions that I go to the prof - that actually didn't cross my mind as a viable option before.
If you're a bit of a leader yourself, then clearly you are in direct competition with this other girl. It could very well be that she is simply pre-emptive striking at that ability as she would like to be in charge.
When in the group, keep calm and cool. When she gets emotional and out of line, simply state in a calm cool manner, that this really isn't the place for emotional outbursts, and that you would be happy to discuss her issues outside of the group - after all, sayest thou, its not fair to the other people, here to work, to have their time wasted on what is obviously a personal issue.
Secondly, get to know the others in the group. Be extra nice, get to know them, let them air their concerns. This is politics: you need to have people who feel more comfortable with you than with her. Ask yourself if you are willing and capable of leading - its one thing to bitch about not being king of the hill, but if you make your move, and cant perform adequately, then things will go even worse. You need to consider whether or not you would actually do a better job, or if you just hate control freak monkeys who seize power without your consent.
If you dont wish to lead, you could find someone else within the group who might be able to and support that person. Undermining authority is as easy as discovering the needs of others and promoting them as if they were your own. Is there someone with good ideas who keeps getting steamrolled? Is there someone who dislikes the way group time is handled? Are their people withdrawing because they feel as if their thoughts or opinions dont matter? Find these little sparks of descent and fan them into a warm glow.
Because people are social creatures, quite often they will set their feelings aside of they feel that their wants have no support - the guy who thinks the leader is too pushy will not say anything because he doesnt feel that others agree with him. By finding this guy, talking to him, letting him know you agree with his thoughts will give him permission and support in voicing those concerns. If he's well liked, others may throw in thier chips with him too.
Small groups with odd numbers leave one person out. Find this person (unless its you) and make an effort to include them in a social threesome. Small groups with even numbers tend to pair up- use your pair to influence the 'partner' of the leader. The leader will start making calls for the two of them, placing stress on that relationship - often breaking it up and leaving that partner as a free agent. Again, make that person a welcome part of your pair, and now you have a double win, as she has lost one and you have gained one.
If you only have five or six people in a group, chart out the people and the tendancies of their relationships. This will allow you to find those with the least number of ties, and if your growing support group has enough strength to offer that person more ties, you can change support allegances. People want to be in the group that has the most to offer, so if it means you have to go above and beyond in making sure that that is the case, then that is what one must do to overcome the status quo.
So to nutshell all this, all you need to do is be aware that very few people are ready for a planned assault. They have tendancies (exclusion, undermining, personal attacks) but very rarely do they have an actual game plan to control a situation. Its too much effort to do so unless you really, really want/need it. So to win, all you need is to make an actual plan with a reasonable and sound strategy. No one person at a peer level can ever stand in the way of someone totally committed to achieving their goal. Passion is contagious, and so support and allegiances will natually be given to the one who is more passionate, more prepared and more commited to serving the greater good of the group.
Next group meeting, pass her a piece of paper (not tiny) that has your email and just say something like "I don't seem to be getting the group emails... you probably just forgot my email or it got written down wrong, so here it is again, thanks"
see if you can befriend a person or two in the group so at least theyll be on your side