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Should I call her?

skyboxskybox Registered User regular
edited March 2008 in Help / Advice Forum
Normally, I wouldn't ask a question like this here, but I'm out of options. Worth a shot, I suppose. There are parts that I will highlight as I feel they play an important role on the story and may provide insight to how said girl may feel. Anyway, let us begin! The story is a bit long to set up, so bear with me.

Best friend all my life, A, mentions a girl, J, that she met at the university in Columbia, Missouri, and says that we would be great together. Problem is, J has had a rough past couple of relationships and isn't quite up on the trusting game.

New Year's:
Mizzou's (the school) band comes to Dallas to play at the Cottonbowl New Year's Day, but are having a party the nights before. This is my perfect opportunity to meet J. When I finally see her, it was very brief as she was very sick and needed to be flown back to Missouri the next morning.

January and February:
This time is pretty much just filled with us talking/flirting a lot through just about every medium possible. Rarely did either of us go a day without saying something to the other.

Last Wednesday:
I made the drive to Columbia to visit the university and to see J since we kind of got screwed out of it two months prior. First time seeing her goes great. Prettier than I remembered, even. :-) One thing that both A and J told me is that J is not looking for a relationship right now. I told both of them that was perfectly fine. I was coming back to Dallas until August, so I had 0 expectations for this trip.

Last Thursday:
One of the missions of this adventure was for long-time friend, A, to get me drunk for the first time. This night, they both failed. The three of us were watching a movie at J's house. I was sitting in a chair. J was beside me with my arm around her. I should mention I'm huge on the feedback. A deep breath during a kiss, extra time during a hug, squeezing of the hand, which is exactly what J was doing. Needless to say, this was driving me wild.

By the time the movie finished, J had passed out in my arms. I carry her to bed and tell her I need to go home. She refuses to let go of my hand saying, "No, stay tonight.", then kisses me. Knowing she's drunk, I tell her that isn't a good idea, then go home.

Last Friday:
J calls me the next morning asking me what happened. I told her I carried her to bed, she asked me to stay, then kissed me. To this, she replied with "Really? Damn. That's something I would like to have remembered."

That night, it's J, A, and I watching a movie at A's place. During this time, J is sure to play with my side a good bit while she's sitting on the couch with her arms crossed. Again, drives me crazy. After A goes to bed, instead of asking me to take her home, she makes an effort to get comfortable as if she wants to spend time alone with me. We kiss, make out, then fool around. A while after, I make a motion to go down on her. She pulls me up saying she's self-conscious because she thinks I would feel it's gross. Being that I don't at all, she lets me. Enjoys the shit out of it. Makes the cutest little noises, squeezes my arms, arches her back, the whole shebang. Just before she cums, she asks me to stop because she's uncomfortable with it. Not a problem. We put her pants back on, then fall asleep.

6:30 rolls around, and I take her home. She says she wishes I hadn't convinced her to let me go down on her, and that she was very uncomfortable with it. I found this a little odd as I didn't force myself upon her, and it was definitely her choice to let me do it in the first place. J also says that she doesn't need me to be her "Knight in shinning armor." I said I wasn't trying to rescue her for anything. I'm just following her lead and trying to get to know her. I'm not expecting a relationship out of this, so she's fine. We hug and she goes to bed.

Last Saturday:

J and A succeed in getting me drunk. This is where I start fucking up, so hang tight. Back at J's place. It's her, A, myself, and a common friend, M. I ask to sit next to J. She says no. I'm understanding as I'm going back to Dallas the next day, so I think nothing of it. Night progresses. I get more and more intoxicated. One of the conversations I remember having with J goes something like this:
"J, I really like you."
"I know."
"How do you feel about me?"
"We'll see."
"Meaning we'll see what happens when I move her in August?"
"We'll see."

Now, I know that was stupid to do. She's not looking for anything right now, we're clearly in the "just fun" zone, so shit like this could turn things very sour very fast. However, as I said, I'm getting more drunk by the minute, so I'm not exactly able to filter what I shouldn't say. Either way, her response tells me that the though is at least there, which does make me a bit happy. But, moving on. A and M leave. I can remember J dragging me to her room by the hand. Within minutes, we're fooling around again. And yes, before I knew it, I was doing the exact same thing that made her uncomfortable the night before, only she instigated it this time around. How uncomfortable could it have made her the night before, I wonder. So, in the midst of the fun, I ask her what she wants. She tells me. I do it. She love sit even more than the first time. She asks me what I want....once again, not able to filter out harmful bullshit in the situation, I briefly remember saying something emotional and having to do with a possible future for us. Lame, right? This kind of ruins it for her, so she says she needs to take me home.

I get home and start to crawl into bed only to find M already there. Not wanting to sleep on the couch, I drunkenly call J back asking if I could just stay with her for the night. Of course, she declines. After this, it's a bit of a blur. However, after reading my text messages and hearing A's side of it, I apparently drove myself down to her house, and somewhat begged her via text messages to let me stay with her for the night. Creepy, stupid as fuck, retarded, etc, I know. For the record, I didn't bang on her door or anything.


I fucked up. I knew it. On the drive back, I called her saying to the effect of:
"Look, I know what I did was stupid and probably the worst thing I could have done, but it wasn't me. I was drunk, didn't know what I was doing, and would not do that under normal circumstances. If you're freaked out and don't want to talk to me for a while, that's fine. But if you find yourself wondering about me in 2 weeks - 2 months, you know where to find me."
"Ok. Drive safely."

I haven't spoken to her since then, but I really want to. I know I got way too attached to her in a situation that did not call for it, but I think it was rather hopeless for me to resist. She does everything perfectly for me from her flirty eyes to the way she plays with my side as she walks by to get herself another drink. She's classy and sexy in public, but awesome and dirty in the sack. Like I said, hopeless. I'm an emotional guy, so I can't control things like this as easily as most other's would. I really felt her and I had a connection from the past two months, and it only grew last week. I honestly had no expectation of starting a relationship with her, or even fooling around with her for that matter! As I said, I was simply going with the flow.

So, here's the part where you give me your advice. Have I fucked up completely? Is there any hope for her and I when I move to attend Mizzou in the fall? I think the hardest thing for me to think about right now is that was my only chance, and I have sealed the door for any future possibility. I would like to think she'd recognize the fact that I was drunk Sunday and would not act the same sober. Remember when I carried her to bed and she asked me to stay? Anything could have happened that night. Anything! I knew she'd had too much to drink, and that both her and I would regret everything in the morning. That's pretty rational sober thinking, no? As far as me getting too attached, I didn't do anything wrong; I was just being myself. I'd really like that connection we had before this back. I want to call her in the morning but am uncertain about it. What should I do?

skybox on


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    ChuweroChuwero Registered User regular
    edited March 2008
    I think that unless she contacts you in the meantime, you should just wait until you move closer. You've already made mistakes while drunk, don't compound them by making more awkward calls now.

    Ask A to pass along an apology; maybe she can tell you when/if it would be OK to try contacting her again.
    I apparently drove myself down to her house

    And don't drive drunk again. EVER.

    Chuwero on
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    PirateJonPirateJon Registered User regular
    edited March 2008
    She's not interested in dating you. So date someone else.

    PirateJon on
    all perfectionists are mediocre in their own eyes
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    GFishyGFishy Registered User regular
    edited March 2008
    Well, though you're not hung up on expectations (or rather because you aren't) it is basically in her court. Whether or not you're open to an actual relationship is something she will obviously have to consider when remaining in the "fun" zone. Knowing that you are open to it results in either her being okay with it and picking up where you left off, or ceasing and reverting to a more platonic relation.

    If she is not okay with you being open to something more, then yeah, she may not want any part of it (at least for now). Problem is, sounds like she doesn't have the best idea as to what she really wants or needs and is, as you say, just going with the flow as well until it got more serious. I'd say leave the communique to her for a while, and be patient. Yes, you've shown that you want to be considerate to her, but the drunkenness probably confused that. If you really want to get to know her, and if she's going to figure out where she's at, then just get to know her and leave the physical aspect aside for now. It's not going to help. (assuming you do care for something more)

    That said, just because one says they aren't looking for anything because of previous experience doesn't mean you don't find anything worthwhile. Just means she probably won't make a decision on it now.

    Be patient, maybe help her figure it out if she'd let you, and good luck dude.

    GFishy on
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    DodgeBlanDodgeBlan PSN: dodgeblanRegistered User regular
    edited March 2008
    You need to take the power back.

    She obviously likes you at least somewhat, so don't fall at her feet. I think if you stay away for awhile you will have a much better bargaining postion.

    DodgeBlan on
    Read my blog about AMERICA and THE BAY AREA
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    Dread Pirate ArbuthnotDread Pirate Arbuthnot OMG WRIGGLY T O X O P L A S M O S I SRegistered User regular
    edited March 2008
    Right now, I think you need to stay away for a while and really think if this is good for you.

    Dread Pirate Arbuthnot on
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    physi_marcphysi_marc Positron Tracker In a nutshellRegistered User regular
    edited March 2008
    skybox wrote: »
    "[...] If you're freaked out and don't want to talk to me for a while, that's fine. But if you find yourself wondering about me in 2 weeks - 2 months, you know where to find me."
    "Ok. Drive safely."


    I want to call her in the morning but am uncertain about it. What should I do?

    I think that her response makes it clear she doesn't want to talk to you for a while. At least, that's how I read it. And you told her you'd be fine if she didn't want to talk to you, so just drop it. My feelings from reading the whole thing is she's not interested in a relationship with you. Don't call her, leave it at that, and feel free to look for someone else.

    physi_marc on
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    skyboxskybox Registered User regular
    edited March 2008
    Just wanted to say thanks to everyone who gave their input. I kind of figured I shouldn't call her, at least not for a couple of months.

    skybox on
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    GrundlterrorGrundlterror Registered User regular
    edited March 2008
    Also, the fact that you were drunk isn't an excuse for your actions... ever.

    Sorry man, but it seems like the best course of action is to just let things lie. If this ever works out for you it will be her decision and her action that makes it happen... not anything you do.

    Grundlterror on
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