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Chop Logic
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Of course she's not. They never are when you're not the boyfriend. :roll:
Go, hang out with her, make your feelings known, and then leave it to her. She'll either dump her boyfriend, or she won't.
But yes, go as a friend, make it known that you're infinitely cooler than this dude.
If she isn't happy like you say and it's not all a figment of your imagination, it'll work out, just don't force it and be as you as you can be.
I wanna see their faces turn to backs of heads and slowly get smaller
I think coffee is still cool at your age
Or the mall, right?
edit - better yet, see whats going on in your area. Find a local alternative newspaper (the ones they give away for free on the racks outside of liquor stores) and check the ads.... all ages is key but theres bound to be a fair or show or something going on thats interesting... always better to do something like that then generic crap like coffee or mall
This couldn't be anymore true. If she's really "unhappy" with her boyfriend then why don't you wait for them to break it off themselves before interjecting? Nothing good comes of a relationship born out of the death of another.
This.
The fact that she hasn't broken up with him yet is, sadly, strong evidence that she's probably not as unhappy as you think she is. She might be complaining, but if she hasn't made a move away from it of her own accord it's not a good sign.
Stop for a second and think, if you and her were dating, and your relationship hit a rough spot, would you want some other guy to come in and use the situation to get with your girl?
The answer is no. Be a man and keep it as just friends and do not get involved with her personal life.
If you care about her, you will not manipulate her. Let her figure out her own decisions.
Remember have character.
we have like two of these threads a month, and it's always the same response
anyways, two bits of advice:
1. unless she's outright telling you that she's unhappy, you can't know for sure what's going on in the relationship
2. even if she IS in a bad relationship, it'd be pretty presumptious of you to think she'd want to be in another relationship right away. there's a very good chance she'd want to be single for a while.
And 3. She has actually said that she just wants to hang out as friends, so if you take this and immediately start trying to push for something else you're going to put her in a really uncomfortable position, and since you should have known better since she told you what she wanted from you that will make you a dick. Just because ladder-theory is bunk doesn't mean you should be trying to get in the pants of every girl who wants to be your friend. That's creepy.
I guess I didn't really make the situation clear enough. I know for a fact that she has feeligns for me, and she knows I have feelings for her. I am 100% sure, don't worry. I also knows that she knows I have feeings for her.
Also, she literally told me that she is unhappy with her boyfreind. She explained the situation as, they started going out a few months ago after being really good freinds, but he's not very smart, and shes just bored with him, but she doesn't know how to break up with him because he hasn't 'done anyhting' wrong, i.e., she can't say, Oh I'm breaking up with you because x, and give a reason, so she feels bad just dumping him out of nowhere, but she still wants to.
Also, last night while we were talking I mentioned how I don't want a girlfreind (got out of a 1.5 year relationship a few months ago), but wouldn't rule out just hanging out and letting whatever happened happen with someone, and not having to be in a comitted relationship with them, and she said she agreed. Later, while she was talking about breaking up with her boyfreind, I said it again because I didn't want her to break up with her boyfreind and expect for us to start going out. She again, said that she felt the exact same way. I don't need advice on this part, thanks anyway. I just basically made it very clear to her that I would have no problem hanging out with her and being intimate with her (in whatever way) but that I didn't want to be in a comitted relationship, and she said she agreed. Again, don't need advice on this part. Really, thanks anyway.
So it's perfect really, she wants all the same things I want right now. I'm going to hangout with her today as freinds (not going to try anything stupid), and see what happens. I figure if we can't hangout one day as freinds odds are somethings not going to work out in the future.
I still have literally no idea what we're going to do though. It's not raining (yet?) so, any advice here would be fucking fantastic, I really have no idea what we're going to do. Thanks a lot.
Sorry if this seems rushed, I have to be somewhere in 15 minutes.
I still have no idea what we're going to do today though. It's raining now, and neither of us drive. Shit.
all i get from this is "neither of us want to be in a relationship but i want to be 'intimate' with her but the problem is the boyfriend" which screams "i wanna get laid halp"
which is fine as long as the both of you know what's going on. if you wanna get into her pants and she's cool with it, more power to the both of you.
and good God, it's spelled "girlfriend"
Edit: Seriously, we don't know either of you, you're the one who's going to have some kind of idea what she might like doing for fun, and what you might like doing for fun.
I had a girl who told me the same thing in high school - had feelings for me, bored with her boyfriend, would dump him for me, we wouldn't necessarily be an item (this is the summer before college so there was no point) but we could be together, blah blah blah - and it sounded pretty great.
Turned out, the reason she was unhappy/bored with her boyfriend was because she had a crippling need to be in a long-term relationship with someone who worshipped her, and couldn't dump the guy if he fulfilled those needs.
This "relationship" ended with her not actually dumping the boyfriend, not telling me, actually dumping the boyfriend after I dropped an ultimatum, cheating on me multiple times with the ex-boyfriend a week later, getting pregnant because the ex-boyfriend and her were so "passionate" that they forgot to use protection, and asking me to take her to the planned parenthood center because he was too much of a pussy and because I was the "best friend she had."
So, uh, just be careful. High school girls are wacky, and can get pretty stupid when it comes to dumping guys (particularly when they do so for another guy). A lot of them don't seem to understand that leading on guys - whether it be you, the ex-boyfriend, or both - is a lot more hurtful than just directly rejecting/dumping them. Always keep in mind that, especially in a situation like this, she could just be telling you what you want to hear so she can have her cake and eat it too.
This is all I get from this thread too. "I want to be close and intimate with you, but I don't want a girlfriend". I honestly don't understand what you're saying, because it sounds like you want a relationship but don't want to call it that. Whether or not you call it a relationship doesn't change the fact that if you're exclusively seeing someone then you're in one. When people say things like this, it sounds like what you want is advice on how to make this girl your friend with benefits. All of this is IMO of course.
Also, this:
I guess I do need advice about this.
Honestly, just leave her be. If you have no wish to have any kind of relationship with her then you really shouldn't by trying to get her away from her current boyfriend. Hang out with her, do fun things if you want, but you should be very clear about the fact that you have no desire to have a relationship with her before you go to college and that you're not going to go past the good friend stage.
why?
if you're both going to be in the same place and you like her, then why would a relationship be out of the picture?
Then you've done everything you can do, and the ball's in her court now. Pushing for her to break up with her boyfriend and hook up with you is only going to make you the asshole here.
Seriously man, it's only six months until college. You can survive until then.
Sorry I was condescending to you before, I'm just confused about what I should do.
Needless to say, she's my ex now. I was devastated for a long time, and have harbored nothing but hatred for the guy ever since. I'm sure he's a nice dude and all, but I can't even see the guy without the urge to ripping his spine out arising.
You really want to be that guy? Wait for them to break up first, don't CAUSE the breakup.
Aye, I agree with the poster above. If she breaks up with him WITHOUT any pressure from you, then it was meant to be.
If it's with pressure from you, or a suggestion that she *should* leave him... well, in my opinion that sucks. I'd be inclined to say that you have a Duty (in a Kantian sense) to not be the focal point that causes the breakup.
Ask yourself this question: would you will that anyone do what you intend to do, if the situation was the same? What if YOU were her current boyfriend? What if it was her possible next love interest that came to this board, after you get together with her, asking if he should break you and her apart so he can be with her? Would you have him do it then?
As you can see, the problem with pressuring her to leave (specifically, for you) is that it diminishes the meaning of a relationship. It's not universalizable. So, as such, I recommend letting her make her own decision, without your included bias, about if she should stay or go from her current relationship.
I know it can be hard to do. I fell into that same trap once, actually. It's time for another long personal anecdote, but hopefully one that will help you with this.
Long before I met my current wife (when I was just starting life at my new college in Sacramento), I had a crush on a girl who pretty regularly complained about her boyfriend. My feelings clouded my better judgment, and I selfishly ended up giving her some very biased advice based on my feelings. She ended up leaving him, but not into my arms... she played the field for a while, and settled down with another man. And being her friend (but not her love interest in the least, I began to realize), she began to confide in me that her relationship with him wasn't really all that bad after all, and that she missed it.
I realized that her complaining to me about the relationship wasn't what I thought it was: it wasn't a cry for someone to come in and rescue her. It wasn't a secret hint to me that she'd rather be with me instead (I feel foolish to this day for actually letting myself believe that!). It certainly wasn't a request for someone to help her break up with her boyfriend. It was venting normal relationship problems, problems that every relationship (healthy and unhealthy) has. I've grown up a lot since then, and thought a lot more about what is "right" and "wrong". And what I did was flat-out, unabashedly wrong. Wrong for me to do, and it ended up causing great wrong to her and her prior boyfriend. They both recovered over time and found other people, but the fact that they turned out okay in the end does not excuse the harm I caused through my selfishness and clouded judgment.
I realized that my biased recommendations to her were completely wrong of me to have done, and to this day that lapse of judgment remains one of the acts that I regret having done the most. I did her (and him) a terrible disservice, and it has been a mistake that I have made painfully sure to never repeat again. That regret, and its lingering effects, caused me to grow up and think a lot more about what a person OUGHT to do instead of what they're ABLE to do... and it's what brings me to talk about this story, even though it is exposing the most shameful and selfish act I've yet committed in my life to anyone who might find it. I tell the story now because I'm hoping you won't go down the path I took. A path that, years later, I still cringe in regret about when I think of it.
If you can resist taking the path I took, it'll be a lot better for you. If her relationship problems are REAL, she'll make the decision to leave on her own. If they're overblown or overexaggerated, or just normal problems that every relationship has, she won't leave unless someone pressures her... and that's a mistake. It'd be a mistake for her, and it'd be a mistake for you.
TL;DR
I've been down that road (suggesting that someone leave their boyfriend), and I regret having done it FAR more than any of the other stupid things I've done on my life. So don't do it.
(EDITED: I had mistakingly said I harmed her current boyfriend. I meant the past one... I'm sure the current one doesn't know who the heck I am, which is fine by me.)
I hung out with her today. We went to the mall, walked around, saw a movie, then came back to my house and just sat in my room and talked for a while about stuff. We didn't talk about the boyfreind situation though.
I'm just going to tell her exactly that, I don't want to be the reason she's breaking up with her boyfriend.
This thread is pretty much solved then I guess, unless someone else has anything else to say. Thanks a lot guys, really. Thanks to everyone that replied to help out some random guy on the internet who was freaking out for no reason.
No problem... you definitely weren't freaking out for no reason, if it helps. It's a very hard situation, and there's a lot of temptation to do what might not be the right thing. It's always good to ask for help when things get murky like that... I wish I had back then.
This is not a universal truth.