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Getting Her Back
SoonerMan
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Ya, another girl thread. I've been through it all before on getting her. How do I do it again? The thing is, I have some wounds to mend. I have a lot to do and I know it might take some time to do it. That doesn't deter me when I think about it, but it does make me happy to think about it.
We had been going out for about a year and a half. For a lot of reasons I felt like we should end our relationship in the June before I went to college. We hung out a lot over the summer, remained good friends and occasionally hooked up. I went home every now and then to see her, we hung out and discussed getting back together.
Enter the mom from hell. I don't think her mom should be so involved with her daughter's relationships, but she is. I worked the courage up to actually talk to her at one point, I think I won her mom over to some extent. I'll come back to this.
Well, things were simply too complicated to get back together at the time. We wanted different things. I wanted to say, "We love eachother. Lets be together. We don't need a label to tell us what we are." I said this because she didn't want to be with me unless we were officially boy/girlfriend. I thought this would be a good idea, but she didn't like it because she felt like she would be cheating me of what should be. I thought this was sweet and heartfelt.
When we broke up, it was a little jagged but nothing messy by any means. The reason I broke up with her, was because of another girl. Now let me explain. Not FOR another girl, but because. I was at a leadership camp after we had first gotten together as a junior counselor. This girl, a camper (year younger than me as my girlfriend is/was) really caught my attention. She was cute and sweet. We hung out at the camp, but it amounted to nothing.
The next year at the same camp, I'm with my ex. We're talking on the phone and she was telling me about her day and I feel like it was really lack luster compared to what I thought would be an exciting day. Selfish and stupid of me, sure. But at that point I though, "Maybe I should look elsewhere." Well, when I got home form that camp I had a Facebook add from the girl from last year. Hadn't talked to her in a year, and boom we're talking and catching up and stuff.
At this point I felt it would be best to end it with my girlfriend. I did. A month later I told her what had happened. It wasn't that I was cheating on her, but it just made me realize I couldn't do this at the moment and be sincere with her. She was hurt, a lot, but was able to muster the strength to understand a bit. She knew I was planning on taking a break when I got to college anyway, so she accepted this the best she could.
So. Back to the current. I haven't talked to this girl (ex) in a few months because she's trying to ignore me and be upset about something that SHE can't even remember. I really can't remember. I know we were really angry and bitter about this not being able to work, so we took it out on eachother and tried to point fingers. Bad news, it just made things more difficult.
I'd like to explain why she is all of a sudden, the apple of my eye again. I had begun talking to the girl that had made me decide to leave my ex. Turns out she's not so nice of a person. Talked about wanting to be with me, hang out with me and all of this stuff but never made an attempt to see me. I understood she was busy, but there were just times she would flat out lie about it. She told me she loved me and then goes on to make out with HER ex.
When she told me I was near unaffected. She was in tears about it, but I was just like, "Oh. Ok." At this point I realized I didn't love her, and it was weird to me but I was ok with it. So then I see the ex at our State Basketball playoffs (my school is close to the state sites) and I decided to go watch. I'm thinking, "I'm over her. It won't matter at all. She won't talk to you anyway, so it doesn't matter." I see her. My heart melts again.
I always felt that things would be perfect with me and her if her mom wasn't in the picture. She's about three months or so from being away from her mother. I want to mend things with her, though. I know I messed up by doing some things in the past and I understand it does take time for a heart to heal. I want her to heal. I want her to know that I am sorry and sincere about, first and foremost, being her friend. My goal, though, is to be with her again when she goes off to college. I, of course, would give her time if she asked so she could look around just as I did.
So... this probably sounds like a god awful idea. But I need to know if I should or shouldn't go through if this. If I do, how do I apologize to her and show her that I mean it? i'm not so great with my words to be honest.
Thanks
We had been going out for about a year and a half. For a lot of reasons I felt like we should end our relationship in the June before I went to college. We hung out a lot over the summer, remained good friends and occasionally hooked up. I went home every now and then to see her, we hung out and discussed getting back together.
Enter the mom from hell. I don't think her mom should be so involved with her daughter's relationships, but she is. I worked the courage up to actually talk to her at one point, I think I won her mom over to some extent. I'll come back to this.
Well, things were simply too complicated to get back together at the time. We wanted different things. I wanted to say, "We love eachother. Lets be together. We don't need a label to tell us what we are." I said this because she didn't want to be with me unless we were officially boy/girlfriend. I thought this would be a good idea, but she didn't like it because she felt like she would be cheating me of what should be. I thought this was sweet and heartfelt.
When we broke up, it was a little jagged but nothing messy by any means. The reason I broke up with her, was because of another girl. Now let me explain. Not FOR another girl, but because. I was at a leadership camp after we had first gotten together as a junior counselor. This girl, a camper (year younger than me as my girlfriend is/was) really caught my attention. She was cute and sweet. We hung out at the camp, but it amounted to nothing.
The next year at the same camp, I'm with my ex. We're talking on the phone and she was telling me about her day and I feel like it was really lack luster compared to what I thought would be an exciting day. Selfish and stupid of me, sure. But at that point I though, "Maybe I should look elsewhere." Well, when I got home form that camp I had a Facebook add from the girl from last year. Hadn't talked to her in a year, and boom we're talking and catching up and stuff.
At this point I felt it would be best to end it with my girlfriend. I did. A month later I told her what had happened. It wasn't that I was cheating on her, but it just made me realize I couldn't do this at the moment and be sincere with her. She was hurt, a lot, but was able to muster the strength to understand a bit. She knew I was planning on taking a break when I got to college anyway, so she accepted this the best she could.
So. Back to the current. I haven't talked to this girl (ex) in a few months because she's trying to ignore me and be upset about something that SHE can't even remember. I really can't remember. I know we were really angry and bitter about this not being able to work, so we took it out on eachother and tried to point fingers. Bad news, it just made things more difficult.
I'd like to explain why she is all of a sudden, the apple of my eye again. I had begun talking to the girl that had made me decide to leave my ex. Turns out she's not so nice of a person. Talked about wanting to be with me, hang out with me and all of this stuff but never made an attempt to see me. I understood she was busy, but there were just times she would flat out lie about it. She told me she loved me and then goes on to make out with HER ex.
When she told me I was near unaffected. She was in tears about it, but I was just like, "Oh. Ok." At this point I realized I didn't love her, and it was weird to me but I was ok with it. So then I see the ex at our State Basketball playoffs (my school is close to the state sites) and I decided to go watch. I'm thinking, "I'm over her. It won't matter at all. She won't talk to you anyway, so it doesn't matter." I see her. My heart melts again.
I always felt that things would be perfect with me and her if her mom wasn't in the picture. She's about three months or so from being away from her mother. I want to mend things with her, though. I know I messed up by doing some things in the past and I understand it does take time for a heart to heal. I want her to heal. I want her to know that I am sorry and sincere about, first and foremost, being her friend. My goal, though, is to be with her again when she goes off to college. I, of course, would give her time if she asked so she could look around just as I did.
So... this probably sounds like a god awful idea. But I need to know if I should or shouldn't go through if this. If I do, how do I apologize to her and show her that I mean it? i'm not so great with my words to be honest.
Thanks
Rah, Oklahoma! Rah, Oklahoma! Rah, Oklahoma~! O-K-U!
SoonerMan on
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I don't know if there's much difference, given your situation, between leaving "for" and leaving "because" of another girl. It's not the central issue here, but I think for the sake of your own perspective, you should realize that the difference in this case is purely semantic in nature. (there's probably cases where there is a bigger difference, but it doesn't sound to me like yours is one of them)
Not trying to make you feel bad... it's just that rationalizing isn't helpful when you're trying to get back with someone. You need to recognize that you done wrong, and not try to lessen what it was... because if you make that kind of argument *to her* for any reason, that'll pretty much be the end of it. All rationalization of your actions has to stop NOW, before you talk to her again.
Believe me, women don't like it when you (accidentally or intentionally) try to reduce the severity of what you've done through semantics. I slept a long night on the sofa once for rationalizing why I never put my dirty laundry in the laundry basket (by the way, telling her "well, you do it too" is a BAD idea... not that its relevant, but in case you didn't know, I figured I'd spare you your own night on the sofa
Anyways though, the big question you'll need to ask yourself is: does this girl even WANT to be with you anymore? All the discussion of the Mom, and her healing, etc... is moot if she doesn't want to be with you given what happened. That can't be discounted.
You'll need to find that out before you make your next move. Try to start conversation with her again: not immediately getting to the apology and "I want to get back together with you" stuff, just regular conversation. You need to find out if she even wants to TALK to you, much less be with you.
If she seems pleased with talking to you, you can go from there... but give it a little time. If the question of why you left comes up, *THEN* it will be the time to shower apologies.
That's what I think at least, if it helps.
Objectively speaking, this is a terrible plan.
SHE DOES NOT WANT YOU BACK
LEAVE THE POOR GIRL ALONE
Soonerman, you broke up with her finally because you were getting treated like a doormat repeatedly. She lives two hours away. If you get back together with her, not only are you a doormat, you're also an idiot.
We've told you time and time again that she's not a keeper, she's not someone you want to be with, and yet you keep going back for more.
Have some fucking self-respect and move the fuck on.
You don't want to be that weird guy that nobody likes because his wife brow-beats him constantly do you? That's going to be you unless you follow Thin's advice.
Apple of your eye my ass. Apple of Convenience, maybe.
You made your call when you bailed and went for the other girl. This was the chance you gave up by bailing; that one day, you may realize that your idiocy is boundless and unfettered by any semblance of rational thinking, and that you really wanted the first one all along. There was a chance that that could happen. That was the 'con' on the pro/con action item list.
This cannot be undone. There is no Save Game to restore. Even if you could rebuild some kind of relationship with the first girl, it would never be the same, and very much likely worse and more tenous than it ever was.
Your milk is spilled. Find moar milk.
Second, if you heed the advice given here, please check out your last thread on the same exact topic.
I know of five that crashed and burned within two months of restarting (including one of my own, to be honest).
It is not a good idea to try and get back together, usually because you forget the reasons that split you apart in the first place.
So cut all ties and be done with it. If you get bummed out, throw yourself into your work. Do not call, email, text, or see her. At all.
The mother won't go away. If it did work out she would be your mother in law. And if this girl is listening to her mother half as much as you say then it will only get worse. So either you're self destructive or a masochist.
Most importantly grow up. Too many insecure people validate themselves today by their relationships.
Thank you Tube, I didn't realize this was the same guy with the same issue. I assumed this was a new issue... as Than said, you're very good at remembering people it seems.
Please LISTEN to Tube this time.