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My girlfriend cheated on me
tendoboy101
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Oh god...I dont even know how to type this, or why I am. I never thought I'd have to. My girlfriend of 2 and a half years, who I was madly in love with cheated on me Monday and told me yesterday. We broke up, and I know that I can never, nor do i really want to, take her back. She broke more than my heart. She was everything to me. We were 3 months from moving into an apartment together. We had plans to spend our futures together. And she threw it away for a fuck with some kid she had always hated.
How do I deal with this? I already got all my things, broke her end of the lease with the apartment, and right now I came home from college to be with my family. She made my mother and sister cry when they found out. My dad for the first time in over ten years started to well up and almost cry. My family never gave her anything but love and support. I never yelled at her, we never had a single argument in that time. There was no indication at all the relationship was in trouble. She can't give me any reason other than "you were busy Monday."
She keeps calling it a mistake and asking me to forgive her, to at least be friends. But I can't. Not now, I don't think ever. I never had more faith in another person shattered so harshly. I already made an appointment to get an STD test on Monday. We hadn't done anything after the supposed act, but I can't believe her that it's never happened before.
I haven't lost my emotions in over six years, but I've been crying and hyperventilating all night. I haven't slept or ate anything. Worst of all I write this knowing that no answer contained in here, no knowledge or similar experiance will make me feel better. I just needed to vent. Even if it is to a wall or an internet forum. I can never express how broken I am now.
How do I deal with this? I already got all my things, broke her end of the lease with the apartment, and right now I came home from college to be with my family. She made my mother and sister cry when they found out. My dad for the first time in over ten years started to well up and almost cry. My family never gave her anything but love and support. I never yelled at her, we never had a single argument in that time. There was no indication at all the relationship was in trouble. She can't give me any reason other than "you were busy Monday."
She keeps calling it a mistake and asking me to forgive her, to at least be friends. But I can't. Not now, I don't think ever. I never had more faith in another person shattered so harshly. I already made an appointment to get an STD test on Monday. We hadn't done anything after the supposed act, but I can't believe her that it's never happened before.
I haven't lost my emotions in over six years, but I've been crying and hyperventilating all night. I haven't slept or ate anything. Worst of all I write this knowing that no answer contained in here, no knowledge or similar experiance will make me feel better. I just needed to vent. Even if it is to a wall or an internet forum. I can never express how broken I am now.
tendoboy101 on
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The only thing I could recommend is to fill up your schedule as much as possible. Pick up a second job, go out with friends every night, whatever you need to. Just as long as you're not sitting at home alone stewing and dwelling on it.
Raven said, "Good start".
While you're here, allow me to point out that the cheating may very well have been a mistake. It is not unknown among people who are almost going to give up their personal freedom to live together with someone else to get drunk and do something monumentally stupid.
If you can't believe she did it then maybe you should have made an effort to hear her side of the story and get to the bottom of it. It's entirely possible that she still loves you, but that she just wasn't ready to live together with you yet. There are ..ahhh.. better ways to express that and I'm not denying that what she did was wrong and bad. Just...if you love her as much as you say you do you might just want get things cleared out with her.
Cheating is a really nasty area, mistakes or not. I am a pretty logical person, my wife complains that I am not emotional enough. It's a really bad area, and you just got to weigh it out.
A lot of things are forgivable in my book, this is on the borderline though. Mistake or not - in the end you might forgive her for what she did - but that doesn't mean you have to take her back.
Edit - If it were me in your shoes I would end it like so, "I forgive you for what you did, and I'm not going to hold any grudges against you or try to exact revenge. But as far as we go, we are over. And Aside from a wave or a hello if we happen to cross paths down the line I never want to speak to you again. I'm sorry it had to end like this."
But then again - thats me.
Critical Failures - Havenhold Campaign • August St. Cloud (Human Ranger)
While this may be true, the dude needs a bit of distance first, I think. He's obviously in a bad place, and to rush headlong into the whole thing would do more harm than good. At the least, he'll have wildly changing perceptions of her, the situation, and whatnot. Once he regains some modicum of control and emotional stability, then stuff like this can be thought of.
Other than that, Bionic Monkey's post is pretty much spot on. Keep busy doing whatever you can. Time's the only thing that's going to make this better.
Time = Good
Busy = Good
I know from experience.
Critical Failures - Havenhold Campaign • August St. Cloud (Human Ranger)
Magicprime I pretty much am taking it like you would. I told her I don't hate her, I'm not going to do anything to hurt her or the other guy back, just tell him to not say anything to me ever again, and we'll go our separate ways. Luckily I have a major group project due coming up with a great group of friends so working on that will really help get me away from it, and after that finals, then a job and summer classes etc. There will always be work to do or a frienda phone call away.
Thanks for the kind words gang, they really do mean alot. I know in time I will be ok. I have fantastic friends on campus and more just a drive away. I have a great family to back me up. Now that I have calmed about it I guess my big concern is her. I was always her rock when something went wrong. She doesn't have any other friends on campus, at least none that will support her. I'm afraid she may hurt herself. I'm also afraid she's going to drop out of college. Like I said to prime, I may be upset and devastated, but I dont want her to ruin her life either. There, theres my help advice question i guess.
I know the basic response to everything in H/A is: "dump her!" "move on!" or "fuck that shit!" and often times this is pretty sound advise, but I think it doesn't hurt to look at this from another perspective. You know the girl better than all of us together so only you can cast judgement.
Noooooooo. Now that you've calmed down about it, your big concern should be you. She took your rock, your stability, your friendship, comfort and support, and fucking tossed it out the window. At a bus.
Cut it clean, cut it quick, and dont look back. She made her decision, and because she made one that was for her, and for her own reasons, she and she alone is responsible for the consequences of that. You start helping her out and being all freindsy about it, it lessens the impact and makes what shes done more palatable.
I'm not saying punish her, I'm not about that at all. But when you do something wrong, life punishes you. Don't mitigate the natural justice of things by making it easy. You are not doing anything wrong by standing aside and letting the natural consequences of ones actions play out. You're doing your time in misery, now she needs to do hers. Maybe next time she has a decent thing going she wont toss it all away for a quick fuck to satisfy her selfish curiosity.
Perfectly understandable, but you need to remember she's an adult, and the the only one in charge of her life. If she fucks it up because you weren't there to stabalize her, it won't be your fault, it will be hers for seeking chaos in her life. She needs to pull her own shit together and not rely on someone else to keep her life stable for her. More than likely though, she'll be fine, if a little lonely for a while. She'll make new friends, move on with her life, and hopefully learn from this mistake and not repeat it in the future. Your only responsability is to yourself right now.
I'm sorry, but no. He doesn't owe her anything. Besides, he's already asked her why, and she can't give a reason. He needs to focus on his own well being right now.
That decision, Tendo, is best made with as level a head as possible and you probably aren't going to be in that position very soon. Take plenty of time and get over this before you go trying to analyze anything. Once you're out of the emotional turmoil this has caused you'll be better equipped to determine whether or not you want this girl to have a place in your life any more. Then you might want to find out why exactly she did this, but it's pretty much irrelevant until then.
And She had sex. With someone she hates. For no reason.
I can't be the only one thinking that maybe it wasn't entirely consensual.
The last three weeks or so she had been distancing herself from me, saying she was to busy for lunch, to hang out. I didnt want to be possesive...I didn't want to scare her away
Rebound sex = no way. Thats the furthest thing from my mind right now.
I guess my next concern is the loser she did it with. We arent friends, but we know each other. He also knew how important she was to me, and I to her. I just dont' know what I'll do if he makes a smartass comment to me. I'm afraid I'd lose it. I told her that I dont want to ever hear from him, so hopefully he can at least do that, but he's the kind of guy that'll make a crack about it if he sees me on campus.
It's funny, about a week ago I had a nightmare she cheated on me. She did a paper on STDS last week which led to us talking about cheating and horror stories I've heard from friends and I said if you ever want to cheat on me, just break up with me first. And three days later she slaps me in the face with this. I knew it happened before she told me though...I was sitting in class around 5 and all of a sudden I get a pit in my stomach. I knew something had happened to her. I wanted to throw up. Then at 6:30 she sends me a text message saying we needed to talk. When I met her and she told me the first thing I said was I knew
And I agree about the level head thing, but I still dont see my position on this changing. She betrayed every ounce of trust I had in her in the most vile way. The thought of touching her again makes me ill.
It just makes me feel like a tool, like I did something wrong, or that I wasn't good enough. I know thats wrong, I know I didn't cause this, but right now thats all I can think about. That I'm a failure. I can't get past that. I feel I drove her into the arms of another man, and I can't even figure out why
I've done it. I've lied in this manner to other people. Sometimes I've lied in this manner to myself. I think this is much more likely than that she was raped.
And, hell, I'd fuck quite a few people I can't stand and I would enjoy it I'm sure.
As for the matter at hand, Bionic Monkey is right. The OP owes her nothing. Nothing. Even if this were a thread about baking and not his girlfriend cheating on him he wouldn't owe her in the manner he suggests. Nobody has to be anyone else's emotional crutch or codependant or any such thing. And nobody owes anyone the time of day after a severe betrayal. I'm not saying that he isn't free to listen to her or give it another shot and I'm not even necessarily saying he shouldn't, either, but the worst thing is for him to feel he OWES her ANY bit of support. He doesn't.
That's a cruel phrase to use in this context.
But accurate.
Part of the question you'd have to ask when analyzing if it's forgivable is analyzing the possibility of it happening again, which seems to have not been brought up thus far.
If she'd cheat "just because" or because she has a "self-sabotaging impulse," what's the likelihood that this condition will just emerge again later? If the problem isn't going to be resolved (or isn't resolvable, because it was "just because"), there's not much you can do but ask yourself if you're okay with your girlfriend sleeping with other people.
If you aren't (I imagine some people are okay with that kind of thing, but I know I wouldn't be), and the root cause of the situation is as such that it is likely to happen again, there's not much recourse.
I'm very sorry to hear about what happened... you have the sympathy of all of us here. Just make sure to keep a level head and analyze the situation when you try to decide if you want to be back with her or not.
Another factor to think about is the fact that she told you so soon after it happened. The question to determine the answer for is why. If it was out of genuine regret and guilt, that could be a positive factor on her side to weigh into account. If it was because "he" (whoever he is) was going to tell you so she decided to tell you first, that's very bad.
As for my personal advice... I don't think I'd be able to start a relationship again with her even if I wanted to (if I was in your shoes). You could be made of a tougher metal than I, however. Just think about what you're getting into if you decide to try again... and remember that there ARE women out there who are faithful, as hard as that is to hear right now. If this woman happens to not be the one for you, there is no doubt someone else out there who is.
Oh, and:
This seems like the most likely culprit of the situation to me, given the fact that she can't seem to give even a half-assed explanation of why. Sure, it could be that she has some sort of self-destructive complex, but that seems far less likely than the above (which is a common trait in FAR too many people). Either way, it's definitely not your fault. And if she had a problem/wanted to break up with you, she should've talked to you about it.
I was cheated on my current gf, but i forgave her.
The reason I did was because: 1) When she confessed, I feel she truly meant it, 2) She's someone I can see with for the rest of my live 3) I really believe it was a 1 time thing. Sometimes it hard to look at her face because we both know what had happen, but we're all human we alll make mistakes.
What helped was that she was willing to do all in her powers to make it right, and i didn't make it easy on her, we took it slow. If she ever cheats on me again, i'll leave.
Just my view, but whatever you decide to do, you have my support. It's not your fault.
Damn, so many great posts to reply to...Thank you all for your advice. It may seem odd to turn to a forum of strangers, but all my friends and family see only one side of this situation. They see I've been hurt like nothing before, and it was because of her. They blame her. And I can't blame them. But it's nice to hear the outside opinions.
Like I said previously, that trust is gone. Not only can I never picture touching her again, but I could never trust her.
Someone mentioned she did it as a way to bail out. As I'm analyzing the situation I think that may be right. Though now she claims she wants back together, about two months ago she out of the blue expressed concern about us moving in together. I asked if she wanted to break the lease or what, but I wanted to be with her, she dropped it. Then she started distancing herself as I said earlier. I do think now that this was a way out. We had talked about this before and she knew I would never take her back.
I also agree with Drez on that "she's an idiot" deal. Those were always the comments made and I brushed it off. Not exactly like that would be a warning sign though. "Oh he's an idiot." "oh, ARE YOU GOING TO FUCK HIM OH SHIT" is not acceptable. Trusting people in the future will be so hard though. I have never met a more honest person before her.
I would also advise against getting into another relationship with her somewhere down the line. If she cheated on you once, chances are extremely good that she'll do it again.
I just can't imagine why she'd do it. They werent drunk, they knew what they were doing. She knew what she was destroying. They arent an item now, its not like their were mutual romantic feelings. I'm just completely blown away. I always thought feeling a broken heart was a pile of shit. It feels like my entire insides have been torn out. Empty.
Well my mom is home and we're going to Pittsburgh to get my sister, go shopping, get away from all this for the day. I'm going to try to eat something again and hopefully it stays down.
Thank you all again so much. Not helping her while she is going through this will be the hardest part, but you all are right, I need to take care of me right now.
Also, living well is the best revenge. Get a hotter girlfriend and become rich.
THIS.
I did exactly this unintentionally. Basically a guy I was madly in love with for 2 years cheated on me. I went through the same things the OP is, and it sucked. I had a hard time trusting men for a while, but finally said fuck it, and got on with my life.
10 years later, I'm a successful engineer with a hot husband...we're going out to dinner and who is our waiter? Fuckshit boyfriend from the past. 50 pounds heavier and dirt poor.
So...take the anger, the pain. Ball it up inside you and use it make yourself stronger.
And rich... with a hotter girlfriend.
I wouldn't even have told her that you didn't hate her or want revenge. Let her think whatever, who gives a damn? You should be worrying about yourself.
Who cares whether she drops out of college, if she was only there because you were she's wasting her time anyway.
I'm in the bucket of "build a better life and leave the trash behind to wallow in their own filth" bucket of people.
I personally disagree with you, but I can understand where you're coming from. Indeed, it would be worse if it was a long term thing that she was only now coming clean about. But I do think it implies (1) that her nature wasn't at all like he assumed it was (and therefore, that he needs to re-evaluate how much she actually means to him now that he knows her nature is different than he assumed going into it), and (2) that he needs to think carefully about if this was truly a one time event (which will involve thinking about if she actually regrets what she did, if she's prone to this kind of behavior, and many other factors).
There's probably more than just that which has been exposed by this event, but those are the two that ring loudest in my mind.
If he re-evaluates these points and determines that she's still the one he wants, then I agree with you entirely that he should pursue the matter further. But if he re-evaluates it and finds that her place in his life isn't so special after all, or isn't worth the trouble it could cause, then he needs to drop it like a bad habit.
I also know that this wont' control my life. I'm not transferring schools or changing career paths. I'm too strong willed to let her decision (not mistake, it was a fucking decision) change or ruin my life.
I still want to wake up.
Sometimes there's just not a reason. I know your life just got turned upside down, and it's absolutely natural to demand a reason why, but the fact of the matter is even if you get a reason, that's not going to change what happened. It's not going to make it easier, and in fact, might make it harder. Either way, she still cheated and you're still doing the right thing severing ties with her.
Once she just outright hurt me as I attempted to stop her from hurting a mutual friend of mine(Sorry about the lack of specifics). What's more, when I told her about the effect she was having on me, she just laughed, like it was all a fucking joke.
First, I wanted to forgive, I wanted to be friends with her, I wanted to go back to the way things were. Then I realised that she wouldn't change, that she was purely and simply a bad person, and I spent months dwelling on how much I hated her. You'll probably go through these two stages, and neither of them will help.
Inside a week of me finally getting over her, I pretty much fell into my current job(which I love) and met my current girlfriend. More than that, not dwelling on the hatred actually frees up my mind to focus on other things which make me happy.
It's gonna take a while for you to heal. Keeping yourself busy will make that go faster. After that though, you're either going to want to talk to her again, or you're going to want her to suffer. For the next few months(at least), both are bad ideas. It all boils down to this - She hurt you, and she will probably hurt you again. You can spend what limited time you do have on this Earth dwelling on her, which will make you sad, or you can move on, which has the potential to make you happy.
This can either be an end or a beginning. In a few years time, you could see this as something which let the best thing to ever happen to you actually happen to you. As someone who's been in your shoes, it sucks right now, but one day, it's gonna suck a lot less, then it won't suck at all. You will get through this.