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This is a toughie (relationship issue, UPDATE)
milehigh
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So tonight I found out that my girlfriend of about 7 months, has not cheated on me. Has not, however she told me that she has cheated on every major boyfriend she's had. She's in her early 20's. The tally runs at 4.
I got pretty quiet and contemplative upon hearing this, she says she regrets telling me and is now kicking herself but I can't fault someone for telling me the truth and I think at least at this point we're moving forward in reality. This information was brought up when we were having a candid conversations about regrets, she said she did have some regrets that took her a long time and many instances to learn from and that now she's learned from them. I asked what she meant and that's when this came out.
I'm not sure what to do. I can't help but think that every time she goes out with friends alone, every time she goes out of town on business. Hell, just day to day stuff, people at work. I feel like the trust between us has been broken and I'm not sure how I can get rid of this doubt. I really, really want to get rid of this doubt. I love this girl madly and up until now we've had no problems. Do I try and keep going like this info never came up? Do I acknowledge these insecurities with her and then try and continue? Do I break up with her? I'm a fucking mess right now.
This post is very much in the spirit of venting and getting my thoughts out, but any advice or 3rd party observations would be greatly appreciated.
I got pretty quiet and contemplative upon hearing this, she says she regrets telling me and is now kicking herself but I can't fault someone for telling me the truth and I think at least at this point we're moving forward in reality. This information was brought up when we were having a candid conversations about regrets, she said she did have some regrets that took her a long time and many instances to learn from and that now she's learned from them. I asked what she meant and that's when this came out.
I'm not sure what to do. I can't help but think that every time she goes out with friends alone, every time she goes out of town on business. Hell, just day to day stuff, people at work. I feel like the trust between us has been broken and I'm not sure how I can get rid of this doubt. I really, really want to get rid of this doubt. I love this girl madly and up until now we've had no problems. Do I try and keep going like this info never came up? Do I acknowledge these insecurities with her and then try and continue? Do I break up with her? I'm a fucking mess right now.
This post is very much in the spirit of venting and getting my thoughts out, but any advice or 3rd party observations would be greatly appreciated.
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This isn't a problem- she has opened up to you. Where there is good communicationship and honesty there will not be cheating. Probably.
https://medium.com/@alascii
You said you love this girl. Think about all the good times, the memories you have made together and the good memories you will make together in the future. Yes there is the possibility that you may get hurt but if you spend all your time worrying about something you have no control over, you will for sure miss out on all the good things that may come from this relationship.
People mature and change, especially with regards to relationships (and especially with regards to relationships in high school/early college and late college/real life).
She was being honest with you, and trusting you with something personal and uncomfortable. I'd say it's a good sign for your relationship rather than a bad one, as long as she hasn't actually done anything to make you suspect she'd cheat on you.
However, if you do believe people can change (I think they definitely do) then your gf just made a huge step forward in her commitment to you. Admitting your past mistakes is difficult, especially to someone that they would affect. If she thought that she might cheat on you she would avoid giving you suggestions to that effect and just do it anyway. Her being open about her past indicates she really is serious that this time is different and she 'regrets' where she's gone wrong before. Because you were talking about regrets; things that you wish you could fix.
You've taken a good first step in acknowledging that you're feeling insecure right now. These insecurities are going to be your biggest problem from this point forward; if you can deal with them then you might end up in an amazing relationship where you and your gf can both be fully trust one another. If you can't deal with your fears then you're going to have problems.
Personally, I think it was really brave of your gf to put that out there, and you should take it as a token of her feelings towards you. It could happen again, but any girl in a relationship could end up cheating. She at least sounds like she's tried cheating and doesn't want to do it again. She knows that the grass isn't greener on the otherside.
She told me all of this great stuff that was awesome. I was the first guy she wanted to be with, seriously, after so long and had all of these feelings for me but would never hurt me in anyway. Guess what? She goes and hooks up with her friend that she said she hates, dislikes, whatever. Then she tries to pen that she on me in one way or another.
You're better off man. Perhaps, though, you guys are a bit further along than me and the girl I was talking to were. Regardless, I hope you make the right choice.
I think it depends on why she told you. Did she tell you to brace you for when she inevitably cheated on you too? Did she tell you because she wanted to come clean with her past? Did she tell you because she wanted you to feel special being "the one I didn't cheat on?"
It sounds to me like it may have been the second of the three possibilities, which is good. If it was the first, you'll no doubt find out soon enough... but I think it's better to give the benefit of the doubt in that case.
Anyways, take it as it is really. If it's eating you because you think she was using it as a foreshadowing of cheating on you, you may want to find a way to bring it up. If you think she was coming clean and it just makes you uncomfortable, talk to her more about it and see if additional conversation on the topic puts you at ease or draws out more questions.
Talking seems to be the best way to clarify the question marks at this point.
And in any case, being cheated on isn't a fate worse than death that needs to be avoided at all costs. It sucks, yeah, but you shouldn't allow a fear of it to fuck up something good that you have now.
And finally, if you act like a dick now, and get all possessive and passive-aggressive or confrontational, it'll only discourage her from sharing intimate stuff with you in the future.
It's up to you how you want to react, but she said it's something she regretted about her past. You weren't interviewing her for a job -- none of this "I think I try too hard" or "I'm very devoted" bad-thing-that's-actually-good bullshit. The fact that she was up front and told you when you were discussing regrets means that she's being honest with you -- it's something she did that she regrets.
More importantly, she cheated on her past boyfriends before she told you she did -- she's the same person now as she was then. If finding out information about your girlfriend's past causes you to freak out, you may want to examine how you approach relationships, too. Everyone has a past, and it's not always roses.
So, so much.
OP, she told you because you were talking about things you regret. Not everyone comes out of the womb knowing how to have a mature relationship; it sounds like she took a while longer to figure that out than you did.
As to how you deal with it: you don't get to put the burden on her to make you comfortable. She's done nothing wrong to you at all. If I were you, I'd do a little mental retraining. When you find yourself freaking out because she's away from you living her life, remind yourself (out loud, if you're in a place where that won't get weird stares) that you love her and you're going to trust her, and then — this is the important part — go do something else to distract yourself. Throw yourself into work, or into a book or videogame, or call up a friend (not her) and chat about something. Treating it like any other obsessive, non-helpful thought will do you the most good, both for the relationship and just for your own mental health.
Well, if she's cheated 4 times already, perhaps she has poor impulse control, so maybe it didn't occur to her after all.
Did she give you any context to it? Is this something that happens when she drinks and her inhibitions come down? Has that become her standard method (unconsciously, perhaps) of ending a relationship she's not happy with? (by comitting what many others would see as a relationship ending indescretion)
She clearly recognizes what she's done as wrong, but has she also done some soul searching to recognize what it was that led to these mistakes, in order to prevent them from happening again? It's commendable that she's not only trying to change this pattern, but is willing to share something painful and potentially 'deal breaking' with you from her past, but I wouldn't just blindly accept that this'll never happen again or anything. For all we know, she said the same thing to boyfriends #2, 3 and 4.
You're a different person, she's become a different person than she was, but these changes do not utterly negate all prior experiences.
Oh for goodness sakes. Get off the high horse. He's found out that his girlfriend has cheated on every major boyfriend she's had. Statistically, wouldn't that worry you too? Just a little bit? It's not some insecure manchild stuff, and you are wrong to imply it is.
If you really like this girl, OP, then you just have to shake it off, hard as that might be. As other people have said, it looks like she's growing up, and if she thought she would do it again, she wouldn't have told you. It's a good sign that you've heard it from her than from her best friend on a drunk night out or something.
Trust in the feelings you had for her before she told you. She's the same person, you're just finding more skeletons. It happened in my relationship too, and I think it probably happens in every committed relationship. What doesn't change is the person she is with you.
EDIT: Just so I'm not a hypocrite, I'd probably not take a word of my own advice and irrationally flip out. I am insecure. For me, the only think that could kill the relationship I am in now would be if she cheated on me. It's basically a deal-breaker for me, because the trust is gone, and won't come back. This is also because I sit in the camp of "once a cheater, always a cheater", and I would find it hard to "shake off" your news, as I prescribed. However, giving advice is much easier than taking it. You have no reason not to trust her with you. Those other guys could have all been meatheads that she was never into at all. You just have to take things as they come with your own relationship, not the past.
The proper reaction to this is to ask for clarification, questions like: "why did you bring this up? Are you worried it might happen again, or have you figured out how not to do it and just thought I should know? Were those relationships similarly serious to ours? Were there specific circumstances in which this occurred, like being trashed at parties? How can we work together to avoid these circumstances?" That is the constructive approach, not shutting down and running to the internet. The OP needs to go back and continue the conversation (but not till he's calm, because there's nothing that says "I'm going somewhere else for a while" like a twitchy partner giving you the third degree after brooding for some time).
After this chat I legitimately believe she wanted to get this out there so as to be honest, and that it wouldn't come up elsewhere (friends, Facebook, etc...)
I'm opening myself up to get my heart ripped out on this, that I know. However considering the context, and how amazing things have been for us up to this point I don't think it's reasonable to just cut things off. I actually do believe this was a positive step for us. Only time will tell and there's probably an equal chance I'll be on here in another 6 months posting a generic "Help me get over my ex" thread.
Honestly though, this is a choice and I'll regret things more if I don't give this an honest chance. Again thanks for all the replies, they did help me get more perspective on things.
I think its important to note that some people do change their approaches in getting what they want (ie, a healthy relationship). Getting down to the reasons why someone did something they regret, is a solid first step in making sure they dont make the same mistakes again. I think you two are on the right track. No guarentees it 'll last forever, I like the realistic point of view you've prtrayed towards that here, but you can always make sure one is giving it their best shot.