I feel like a clusterfuck of dysfunction.

mrLeaf

I'm having an extremely difficult time trying to articulate what i want to say here, so I'm sorry if I'm all over the place. My thoughts feel like one big jumbled mess.

First of all, I'm currently a senior in college, majoring in fine arts, focusing on metalsmithing, in particular. The problem is I feel like such an uncreative person. I've never really immersed myself in any artistic endeavors, and I haven't really done a whole lot of work outside an academic context. Most of the things I do make for my classes I come to dislike intensely. There's not a whole that I've done that I can honestly say I'm proud of. I'm constantly asking myself why I’m even an art major, but it seemed like the natural choice. If I had to focus on something like business or economics I’d probably hang self. I want to create. I want to express myself. I feel a deep seeded desire to devote my life to some creative endeavor, but frankly I don’t feel like I have it in me. My creative process usually consists of me sitting at my desk, staring at a piece of paper for a half an hour, getting frustrated, and then giving up to go play video games or something. A few times I've just started crying out of pure frustration.

Secondly I’ve been feeling extremely apathetic for, well, a long time now, I suppose. I just have very little motivation to go out and seize the day, so to speak. Life is pretty boring and I’m not entirely sure what to do about it. If I’m in class I’m usually sitting at my computer fucking around on the internet till the wee hours of the morning. I feel lonely most of the time, but this is reconciled by the anti-social part of me that knows any attempt to go out meet new people would only result in me saying very little and having nothing to contribute to the situation. I’ve also never been in a romantic relationship, which is probably a result of me being an awkward mess. I find the concept of female companionship both very desirable and very terrifying. I just don’t have a whole lot contribute, I feel.

I’ve considered whether I’m depressed or something, but a large part of me says that’s just an excuse for being a lazy bitch. So I dunno what the deal the deal is. My life feels void of direction and purpose, which isn’t to say I’m feeling suicidal or anything. I recognize the incredible potential life has, it’s just that everything that I want to be and everything that I want to achieve seems absolutely unattainable.

Well there you go internet. Against my better judgment, I submit to you this whiney confession in hopes that you may lend me some insight into what drives you to not be a self conscious wreck. I won't deny that this was somewhat cathartic, but maybe this would be better suited for Live journal

Bliss 101

How long have you felt like this? Most of the stuff you describe, especially the creativity paradox, sounds a lot like what I went through around my second year in uni. After that I got a lot worse, and it took me a long time to find out I was clinically depressed, and only saw a psychiatrist at the stage when I was already recovering on my own (I don't remember much about the intervening years, I was akin to a zombie or a robot during that time. I was never suicidal, but I reckon that's because I wasn't really alive either.).

I’ve considered whether I’m depressed or something, but a large part of me says that’s just an excuse for being a lazy bitch.

Well, depressed people do tend to use their depression as an excuse for being lazy bitches. That's typical. They also propel themselves deeper into the depression by engaging in an endless cycle of self-blame and self-pity. Don't do that. I recommend you get off your lazy ass, see a therapist and get this fixed.

Dalboz

It sounds like you've got a combination of depression and anxiety. Being a senior in college is probably the worst because you are realizing that the real world is going to come knocking on your door soon. I'm not trying to make things worse, just trying to identify the issues.

I'm a creative person, too. And I don't have a creative job (not normally, anyway). And it can bear down on you. And I have the same problem you do, which is essentially writer's block. You don't have the confidence in your abilities, or you get easily discouraged because the first that goes down on paper isn't brilliant or earth-shattering. Let me tell, as an aspiring writer myself, it doesn't work that way. Most of what I write is complete shit to start with. It takes a lot of editing and refining to turn that lump of coal into a diamond. And that's how it works with pretty much everyone. You can't let yourself get discouraged and you need to discipline yourself, though. No one can do it for you, and there really aren't any tricks. The fact is that you just have to buckle down in that regard and do it.

For the second, are you really apathetic, or just disinterested, or simply discouraged? This is a question that you need to ask yourself, and you need to be honest with yourself above all else. I tricked myself for a long time, saying "This is what I really want. I am interested." And so on. The truth is, I knew I wasn't, and I was fooling myself. And I got angry at myself, which led to depression. When I was finally, truly honest with myself about my career path, I started to feel much better, and have started the hard process of changing direction, but something I know I need to do. That's just an example. Be honest with yourself and what you are really feeling. Maybe you do enjoy what you do and are just discouraged. You've probably got more to contribute to a relationship than you realize, you just need to find someone that will accept what you have to offer. And it takes time and work. It doesn't happen with the first girl you meet. It hasn't happened for the last 12 girls I've tried with. But it just takes that right one...

My own opinion is that you sound depressed, but more angry and frustrated than anything else. I wish I had more advice than be persistent and don't give up. But it really comes down to that. Just be honest with yourself, but don't be angry about it.

Yes, this is ambiguous advice, but it has to be because I can't actually give you the answers. You need to arrive at those on you own because they are different for each person.

ihmmy

pretty much you just sound lost. And need a change. What kind, well, it's hard to say

You might be suffering form some mild to moderate depression. You might need to change your major
Pick up a hobby, an active hobby preferably. Take martial arts, go do yoga (women in tight outfits generally, hurrah! ok, maybe not yoga, but still). Something that gets you moving around on a regular basis. It's amazing what some exercise can do for depression, especially the lighter cases that don't really need medication.
Why are you doing fine arts? Because you rock at metal stuff? Why not go for welding and do that instead? Why fine arts? Why uni, instead of a trade school? Not saying you -have- to change, but just come up with some alternatives to evaluate and see if any might be a better fit
My best friend is doing fine arts, but photography. She's graduating this year, and was damn near ready to quit a few months ago. Damn near every creative person goes through a phase or five where their creative juices just aren't flowing satisfactorily. Just means it's time to find something new and inspirational. Alas, that's different for every individual.

Godfather

mrLeaf wrote: »

I feel lonely most of the time, but this is reconciled by the anti-social part of me that knows any attempt to go out meet new people would only result in me saying very little and having nothing to contribute to the situation. I’ve also never been in a romantic relationship, which is probably a result of me being an awkward mess. I find the concept of female companionship both very desirable and very terrifying. I just don’t have a whole lot contribute, I feel.

I'm very hesitant on posting this, but:

http://www.incelsite.com/

kind of fits some of your symptoms here.

mrLeaf

Bliss 101 wrote: »

How long have you felt like this? Most of the stuff you describe, especially the creativity paradox, sounds a lot like what I went through around my second year in uni. After that I got a lot worse, and it took me a long time to find out I was clinically depressed, and only saw a psychiatrist at the stage when I was already recovering on my own (I don't remember much about the intervening years, I was akin to a zombie or a robot during that time. I was never suicidal, but I reckon that's because I wasn't really alive either.).

Id say it's been been gradually more frustrating over the course of the past two or so years. Maybe that's because I've just started to take this shit more seriously since my need to be self sufficient is pretty fucking close.

I’ve considered whether I’m depressed or something, but a large part of me says that’s just an excuse for being a lazy bitch.

Well, depressed people do tend to use their depression as an excuse for being lazy bitches. That's typical. They also propel themselves deeper into the depression by engaging in an endless cycle of self-blame and self-pity. Don't do that. I recommend you get off your lazy ass, see a therapist and get this fixed.

I've considered whether or not therapy would be a good option. It's so easy making a post on the internet to a bunch of people I don't know and don't physically engage, but a therapist is a whole different ballpark. I get nervous just thinking about talking to one, much less going about finding one in the first place. I'm sure my university has some resources on the matter, and a friend of mine went to therapy a year or so back, so I'll see if he can point me to whoever he talked to.

Dalboz wrote: »

It sounds like you've got a combination of depression and anxiety. Being a senior in college is probably the worst because you are realizing that the real world is going to come knocking on your door soon. I'm not trying to make things worse, just trying to identify the issues.

I find this to be especially true. I'm really truly worried that as soon as I'm out of school any and all ambitions that I may have had are just going to fall apart since there wont be my classes nudging me along, forcing me to try and overcome this creative block of mine.

I'm a creative person, too. And I don't have a creative job (not normally, anyway). And it can bear down on you. And I have the same problem you do, which is essentially writer's block. You don't have the confidence in your abilities, or you get easily discouraged because the first that goes down on paper isn't brilliant or earth-shattering. Let me tell, as an aspiring writer myself, it doesn't work that way. Most of what I write is complete shit to start with. It takes a lot of editing and refining to turn that lump of coal into a diamond. And that's how it works with pretty much everyone. You can't let yourself get discouraged and you need to discipline yourself, though. No one can do it for you, and there really aren't any tricks. The fact is that you just have to buckle down in that regard and do it.

Others just make it look so easy, though I avoid Artist's Corner like the plague, because most often than not, I just end up feeling like shit about myself and my abilities. Maybe I'm just assuming too much about peoples creative processes how long it may have taken them to refine it.

Patience is also something I really need to work on...

For the second, are you really apathetic, or just disinterested, or simply discouraged? This is a question that you need to ask yourself, and you need to be honest with yourself above all else. I tricked myself for a long time, saying "This is what I really want. I am interested." And so on. The truth is, I knew I wasn't, and I was fooling myself. And I got angry at myself, which led to depression. When I was finally, truly honest with myself about my career path, I started to feel much better, and have started the hard process of changing direction, but something I know I need to do. That's just an example. Be honest with yourself and what you are really feeling. Maybe you do enjoy what you do and are just discouraged.

I think discouraged fits the bill. Discouraged in that I feel as though ability-wise I am way behind the curve as far someone who is considering a professional career in fine arts is concerned. If that makes any sense. And honestly, if there's one thing I've always wanted to be able to well, it's to draw. Working as a concept artist in the gaming industry would be amazing, but how many concept artists just started to really take their trade seriously in their senior year of college? Seems to me that in order to break into the industry as an artist one will have to had many many years refining their skill. The point I'm now, it seems almost futile to even try...

Thanks for your replies everyone. I really do appreciate it.

Ioga

And honestly, if there's one thing I've always wanted to be able to well, it's to draw. Working as a concept artist in the gaming industry would be amazing, but how many concept artists just started to really take their trade seriously in their senior year of college?

If you want to be an artist, I mean deep down and truly cared about it, that wouldn't matter. So what if you're not where you expected to be? Lots of times things turn out that way. And people don't always just step out of college with their diploma and have the job of your dreams. You have to keep at it. Work a another job, come home and draw on your time.

Seems to me that in order to break into the industry as an artist one will have to had many many years refining their skill. The point I'm now, it seems almost futile to even try...

THEN START TODAY. If you want to do it, if that's your dream job... then get off your ass then get back on your ass and start drawing. Part of being a concept artist is taking existing material and putting your own spin (or a client's spin) on it in your work. So take things that already exist, like Iron Man or Aragorn from Lord of the Rings or something, and draw them. Put your own spin on them and just draw. Draw draw draw draw draw. Keep works you like and build a portfolio. Draw draw.

Most of what's wrong is your attitude. You think you're a worthless piece of shit, so you're acting like one. It's a self-fulfilling notion.

/smack

Stop that. There's nothing wrong with you. Being lost and confused about your place in the world is part of being in your 20's. You are not a special downtrodden little snowflake. We're all worried and confused about how we're gonna make a successful adult out of the stupid kids we know ourselves to be on the inside. EVERYONE deals with that. Especially introverts, who think about themselves and their places in the world. You're not alone and you're by no means unique in that problem.

So what can you do? Dive into it. Find a job that's not in your home town and work it. Find a related job like doing animation or something and work that while you improve your skills. Work an internship.

Do stuff to improve your self image. Go to the gym! Feeling better about yourself physically helps you feel better about yourself mentally. And if you're fat, it doesn't matter. Lots of people there used to be fat (like me) and applaud your willingness to self improve. It also gives endorphins.

Read self-help books. Watch Naruto (nothing gets that kid down, ever; he's not a bad person to model yourself after). Do anything other than sit there and contemplate what a piece of crap you are. You're not. You're like everyone else, we're just better at hiding it or overcoming it. You can do it too.

Either way, quitting life before you've started it is just stupid. Don't be stupid.

Penguin_Otaku

Although you're pretty heavy in your art major, writing is definitely a way to express yourself as well. Professional writing, journalism, whatever it is.