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The most disappointing day of my entire life.
Rankenphile
Passersby were amazedby the unusually large amounts of blood.Registered User, Moderator Mod Emeritus
Passersby were amazedby the unusually large amounts of blood.Registered User, Moderator Mod Emeritus
So here we go, me and the ladyfriend, packed into the car, ready for an evening of doing some shopping and such. We're driving through my crazy little backwoods redneck hometown, and lo what wonder do my eyes behold?
Right there in the middle of the fucking street, towering above the heads of mortal man, a gleaming white object of my undying awe and desire.
Motherfucking MONSTER TRUCK.
DRIVING AROUND WITH A LOAD OF KIDS IN THE BACK.
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS GOING ON!?!?!
Without taking my eyes from this most beautiful white vision of glory, I tell my lady, "Hold on, we're chasing down a fucking monster truck" and proceed to chase the dream. What is this most massive of killing machines doing in my hometown? Why is it full of children? Where are the crushed bodies, the rows upon rows of destroyed cars? And where the fuck do I sign up?
We follow this masterfully constructed wonder of nature to a local car lot, where apparently they are having an incredibly huge event. Fucking go-kart track. Fucking giant inflatable slide that looks like an angry lower intestine. Fucking free burgers and free bad live music and HOLY SHIT FREE FUCKING MONSTER TRUCK RIDES!!!!!
So me and the lady, we zip right past all the hullaballoo and the fooferah and distractions with a single goal in mind. We are going to ride around in the back of a monster truck and from high atop our steel steed of destruction we shall survey the land and know that all of it bows at our feet.
Which basically involves standing there with some mexican kids next to a metal ladder thing until the monster truck comes back.
Which we do.
Not too much time goes by before here she comes, my glistening white beauty, White Lightning proudly emblazoned on its sides. It backs right up to the ladder thing and the kids in the back all unbuckle from the weird couch thing and get out and climb down.
My stomach is in knots. This is it. This is what I was born to do. This is my moment of GLORY.
So the kids are off, and there's this big commotion, dudes climbing all over on this monster truck. One guy climbs all the way inside one of the wheels. Like, just his feet poking out. Because this is a monster truck, and it was consuming him. They feed on people, don't you know.
And then they slam the tailgate and grab the biggest jack you've ever seen and drive over a little ways.
And leave me there.
In the gathering dusk.
Without my monster truck.
I decide to sit next to the now lonely metal ladder, left behind by all of the monster truck's slave men, and wait. It will be mine. It is destiny. The tiny little metal band in my heart is singing the anthem of my birthright. It has to come true, it just has to.
About ten minutes later, this greasy dude with all sorts of inappropriate body hair sticking out of all sorts of places in his clothing comes over and says "you waitin' for a ride?"
I nod my head. Of course I am. I am awaiting my ascension. That is why I am here. On this earth. I am waiting to ride a monster truck. What else would I be doing here? Yes, I am here for a ride.
"Sorry, man, they got a problem with the lugnuts, they're shuttin' her down for the night."
All the blood rushes from my head. No. No. This is impossible. The world goes blue and swirls around me. I feel faint, and am glad I am sitting. I was so close. I could smell the exhaust, I could assess my height against the tires (I am about a forehead taller than the tires, which is bragable). I could have touched it.
And now it was gone.
Utterly defeated, I slunk off into the night. My lady, tryign to rouse my spirit, suggests we ride the go-karts, but I'd be damned if I were to be denied my right to ride atop a giant killing machine of a truck only to turn around and ride around on a tiny little car in a circle. No, that won't do at all.
So I get back in my car and we drive off to the mall.
And I scrape the shit out of the side of my car on a concrete bunker thing in the middle of the parking lot that I forgot was there.
I kind of want to just die now.
Right there in the middle of the fucking street, towering above the heads of mortal man, a gleaming white object of my undying awe and desire.
Motherfucking MONSTER TRUCK.
DRIVING AROUND WITH A LOAD OF KIDS IN THE BACK.
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS GOING ON!?!?!
Without taking my eyes from this most beautiful white vision of glory, I tell my lady, "Hold on, we're chasing down a fucking monster truck" and proceed to chase the dream. What is this most massive of killing machines doing in my hometown? Why is it full of children? Where are the crushed bodies, the rows upon rows of destroyed cars? And where the fuck do I sign up?
We follow this masterfully constructed wonder of nature to a local car lot, where apparently they are having an incredibly huge event. Fucking go-kart track. Fucking giant inflatable slide that looks like an angry lower intestine. Fucking free burgers and free bad live music and HOLY SHIT FREE FUCKING MONSTER TRUCK RIDES!!!!!
So me and the lady, we zip right past all the hullaballoo and the fooferah and distractions with a single goal in mind. We are going to ride around in the back of a monster truck and from high atop our steel steed of destruction we shall survey the land and know that all of it bows at our feet.
Which basically involves standing there with some mexican kids next to a metal ladder thing until the monster truck comes back.
Which we do.
Not too much time goes by before here she comes, my glistening white beauty, White Lightning proudly emblazoned on its sides. It backs right up to the ladder thing and the kids in the back all unbuckle from the weird couch thing and get out and climb down.
My stomach is in knots. This is it. This is what I was born to do. This is my moment of GLORY.
So the kids are off, and there's this big commotion, dudes climbing all over on this monster truck. One guy climbs all the way inside one of the wheels. Like, just his feet poking out. Because this is a monster truck, and it was consuming him. They feed on people, don't you know.
And then they slam the tailgate and grab the biggest jack you've ever seen and drive over a little ways.
And leave me there.
In the gathering dusk.
Without my monster truck.
I decide to sit next to the now lonely metal ladder, left behind by all of the monster truck's slave men, and wait. It will be mine. It is destiny. The tiny little metal band in my heart is singing the anthem of my birthright. It has to come true, it just has to.
About ten minutes later, this greasy dude with all sorts of inappropriate body hair sticking out of all sorts of places in his clothing comes over and says "you waitin' for a ride?"
I nod my head. Of course I am. I am awaiting my ascension. That is why I am here. On this earth. I am waiting to ride a monster truck. What else would I be doing here? Yes, I am here for a ride.
"Sorry, man, they got a problem with the lugnuts, they're shuttin' her down for the night."
All the blood rushes from my head. No. No. This is impossible. The world goes blue and swirls around me. I feel faint, and am glad I am sitting. I was so close. I could smell the exhaust, I could assess my height against the tires (I am about a forehead taller than the tires, which is bragable). I could have touched it.
And now it was gone.
Utterly defeated, I slunk off into the night. My lady, tryign to rouse my spirit, suggests we ride the go-karts, but I'd be damned if I were to be denied my right to ride atop a giant killing machine of a truck only to turn around and ride around on a tiny little car in a circle. No, that won't do at all.
So I get back in my car and we drive off to the mall.
And I scrape the shit out of the side of my car on a concrete bunker thing in the middle of the parking lot that I forgot was there.
I kind of want to just die now.
Rankenphile on
0
Posts
Satans..... hints.....
Good God.
That sucks.
Use your physique. Be a man. Knock the shit out of them and invoke cutsies.
I could feel the joy when you called me! It was palpable!
your = belonging to you
their = belonging to them
there = not here
they're = they are
Keith asks an important question.
I mean what was it's carbon footprint?
(the answer is one acre with awesome written out with large burning tyres)
Satans..... hints.....
your = belonging to you
their = belonging to them
there = not here
they're = they are
Over nine thousand.
your = belonging to you
their = belonging to them
there = not here
they're = they are
That's not a very nice thing to say to Rank right now
He's very vulnerable
PSN ID : DetectiveOlivaw | TWITTER | STEAM ID | NEVER FORGET
your = belonging to you
their = belonging to them
there = not here
they're = they are
i have been in a monster truck wheel though
PARKER, YOU'RE FIRED! <-- My comic book podcast! Satan look here!
PARKER, YOU'RE FIRED! <-- My comic book podcast! Satan look here!
you can kill anyone
legally.
your = belonging to you
their = belonging to them
there = not here
they're = they are
if i ever win the lottery i will pay off my school loans
give my parents some money
depending on how much money i win: buy the state of wyoming and fill it up with beagles
This image is getting me all hot and bothered
PSN ID : DetectiveOlivaw | TWITTER | STEAM ID | NEVER FORGET
Duh.
Rank, I'll even start a trust fund to pay for upkeep.
your = belonging to you
their = belonging to them
there = not here
they're = they are
FUCK YEAH
we got their number and I am seriously, seriously considering this as a possibility
if there is any way to work it into the budget, I am going to find a way to have free monster truck rides at my wedding
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAGHHH
RRRRIIINNNNNNNNNNNNN
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH
Someday I'll own a monster truck, and I'll drive right over all the Mexican kids and greasy body hair showing guys in my way to pick you up. We'll then proceed to hit the sickest of jumps, and destroy the most valuable of monuments.
Rank you don't know me all that well
Or at all, really
But if you have free monster truck rides could I be invited to your wedding?
PSN ID : DetectiveOlivaw | TWITTER | STEAM ID | NEVER FORGET
holy shit i am crashing that wedding
Screw the distance, if you have monster truck rides at your wedding I will totally be there.