As was foretold, we've added advertisements to the forums! If you have questions, or if you encounter any bugs, please visit this thread: https://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/240191/forum-advertisement-faq-and-reports-thread/

I'm confused by a friend(girl).

LucidLucid Registered User regular
edited April 2008 in Help / Advice Forum
Sorry for the length, I guess it's just on my mind right now as I just the person this is about a while ago.


I guess this is about a friend that I have, that I am not sure where I stand with her. Every girl I've dealt with being attracted or into me has very direct. So this may offer perspective on my confusion with what I"m going to describe. I'm just not that great at understanding these things often anyways.

To begin with this girl is a friend I've known for about 6 years but haven't started hanging out with just her and I until recently, or at least on hanging out terms. We've been hanging out a lot more than we ever did before and she just genuinely seems more enthusiastic and excited about it. My confusion is about how she feels about me or if she is or is not trying to show that to me. I suppose I'll explain some events/occurrences which lead to this confusion.

It began a month or so ago just after we started hanging out more. I was seeing someone else at the time, and was hanging out with my friend and someone else. That night we were together was just before I was going to go on a date with this other person. While I was with my friend she was asking me why I had to leave in a while. I explained just to see a friend. She started inquiring more. What kind of friend, asking me if it was a girl, a date, etc. When I appeared uncomfortable with that line of questioning she abruptly apologized and said we can forget about it, sorry for making me feel uncomfortable. I told this to someone else I know and they thought she likes me. This was the first time I saw it that way. I mean she had some weird things before. Like a couple of times she had to bail on hanging out because she was ill she explained. She even had our other friend confirm it or vouch for her one time we were hanging out. Not that I ever questioned her motives or thought anything of it when she explained the first time. I just saw her as a casual friend, and didn't need any confirmation on anything.

She does a lot of small things like comment on things she appreciates about me and why(sense of humor, intelligence, etc), tells me when she thinks I'm getting checked out by someone. She is very eager with hugging me. She even ran up to me and hugged when I asked her if she wanted a hug goodbye when I was going home once. She's always been the one to initiate hugs, and was the one to start that level of comfort with each other. However I don't think much of these things alone though when combined with other things that have went on it gets me confused.



She invited me over to her place for a dinner party, seemed pretty enthusiastic about me coming, even making jokes about me being the delicacy or whatever. She'd come out with me on the porch when I went to go have a cigarette and talk to me but it seemed a little awkward for her. We had a good time at dinner, and we were going to see live music at a pub later on in the night. Her friend was supposed to me us there. However she called and when my friend told her she was bringing me, apparently she thought I was her date and that she'd be a third wheel and then got second thoughts about meeting us. I didn't overhear this though. She came into the living room, sat down another friend and I, and told her friend this. Talking about her friend thinking I was a date. She never clarified this though, just told what her friend said.

So we went out, but couldn't make it to the show(the friend cancelled anyways). I also left my ID and couldn't get in. I told her it was cool that she goes, but then she started justifying why she didn't need to go, waste of money right now, she'd spend it better on something else, things like that. She basically tried to convince me it was fine and we could stil hang out, even though I explained she could go, and I could go. No problem.We then wandered around various neighborhoods for a while, having some interesting/deep conversation, just sitting around talking. She talked about relationships, hers and other peoples. We eventually found an abandoned building to explore, had a lot of fun with that, she had a blast. Even left me a mail later about how cool it was, and she told friends about it.

I told her about the open house my art school is having, and she wanted to come when I mentioned it. I said sure and we went. Hung out for a few hours, and we started having touchiness. Or whatever you want to call it when people warm up enough to each other that they become touch comfortable. Nothing big with that though. She complimented or at least said things like that to me while hanging out. Though she did go off about this guy she met, who was a fellow student. We saw him wandering while we were the other night, and spent a little bit of time with him. Nothing substantial just a chat for a while and then separated. She talked about him in a interested in him way, though I did make it clear that he is with someone right now and they are pretty attached. She'd talk about other somewhat obviously unattainable guys, like just saying how some artist whose piece we saw would be her boyfriend(she liked his stuff), though we didn't meet the actual artist once, and I don't think we had any expectations to. Anyways, I can't tell if she was really into him and just telling me as a friend, or if she was doing this to attempt to make me jealous. She almost seemed ot be coaxing me into telling her how unattainable he was. She tells me also about how every guy she has been interested in has been into her as well. This came up in a conversation about relationships at some point. She's also told me about how she doesn't have feelings towards her ex whom I know pretty well as well(former best friend, kind of fizzled out friendship). Told me the same thing with her other more recent ex whom I also know(though not as much) She seemed to want to stress that, even though again, I gave no sign of clarification needed or disbelief.

So I went over to her house, and things were feeling a little awkward there, it was just her and I. I just felt a little weird around her. I'm not entirely sure why, but this confusion may play a part in that. She was stressed out because she had to kick out a guy who has been staying at her place and taking advantage. This was while I was there. After her Father came over, to drop off a computer for her. She wanted to be alone and chill I could tell, and she asked her father if he could give me a lift home. She asked how the seating arrangement would go because he has a truck, and in her words almost "We're not at the point yet where I can sit on his lap" to her father. That just made me feel more confused. So she just stayed home, though told me I don't have to leave if I don't want, but I told her she really seemed like she need to be alone, so I just went.

She hasn't had a lot of serious boyfriends, and the ones I know that she's been with were the ones to initiate the process.of getting together. She is a little bit of an outsider through her life socially, not to any great extent though to were she does have feelings about it and expresses them. She is a little different I guess, though So am I in similar ways. We do have a lot of common interests. We can talk pretty in depth about things, but lately I've been felling somewhat awkward and come to a loss of words more often around her.

So yeah. This friend is confusing me. I generally don't like to or even try to read too much into signals in these sort of things, because most of the time I am pretty sure I am overplaying or thinking it. However I've also never had a friend that is a girl that was this interested in hanging out with me, and is outward with how she talk about how am I am and things that are good about me. Almost Everything short of her thinking I'm attractive which I guess I don't think she'd do at this point in the relationship even if she is into me. I don't know whether I'm getting this mistaken as more than just friends interest, but on the other hand these are a little odd occurrences and things being said. I'm a little stuck on whether it is friends she is trying to show, or more. I'm also not sure if this is just her awkward way of showing me how she feels about me, because she is nervous about it, trying to get to know me better, etc. I do totally realize I could be over thinking this. Just have sort of an weird feeling about it based on what I've described. This weirdness and confusion is in turn making me feel a little awkward around her, and confusing myself as to how I feel about her. Like tonight when we got to her place and after that fellow left, we were both pretty tired and quiet, and I felt a little off. When I left to get a lift home she gave me a hug and said let's hang out again.


I'd love to hear others opinions on this. I don't want to mess this friendship up. I'm not turned off to the idea of her liking me either.

Sorry for the length as well, I guess it's just on my mind right now as I just saw her a while ago.

Lucid on

Posts

  • MoSiAcMoSiAc Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    Well, it seems she at least wants to be more than a casual friend, maybe she sees you guys as really close, or she wants to see you guys as really close, this doesn't have to mean a couple though.

    I have a friend who is married but we are about as close as it can get as friends.

    The best way to find out though is to just ask her.

    MoSiAc on
    Monster Hunter Tri US: MoSiAc - U46FJF - Katrice | RipTen - Gaming News | Los Comics
  • SpeakeasySpeakeasy Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    Just don't do anything. Risking a friendship just because you think there is something is not worth it. Go on about your own business and stop overthinking simple friend gestures. She obviously likes you as a friend, so why mess with that?

    Speakeasy on
    smokeco3.jpg
  • TopiaTopia Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    I'm the exact opposite of the above post. I know it sounds bad, but risk it man. Finding someone you might truly love is a lot harder than finding a good friend. If she IS a really good friend, and turns you down, she should be fine if you say "Oh, thats fine, I just really respect you and wanted to see if there was something more between us." and leave it behind you guys.

    I dunno, I'm wierd, I take every risk. I think that it's worth going for everything, never holding back.

    Topia on
  • MagicPrimeMagicPrime FiresideWizard Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    I say go for it, there are too many times in my life when I should have and didn't. And when I finally did it worked out great.

    MagicPrime on
    BNet • magicprime#1430 | PSN/Steam • MagicPrime | Origin • FireSideWizard
    Critical Failures - Havenhold CampaignAugust St. Cloud (Human Ranger)
  • variantvariant Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    She seems like a genuine friend, these days most people don't have too many 'real' friends to confide in but you definitely have that going with her. If it was me I'd just push for a good friendship, unless she really makes it clear. If it turns out that she's just comfortable with you and that's it, the friendship will most definitely take a hit. What a nice yet shitty position to be in...but that's life for you.

    variant on
  • KhavallKhavall British ColumbiaRegistered User regular
    edited April 2008
    Speakeasy wrote: »
    Just don't do anything. Risking a friendship just because you think there is something is not worth it. Go on about your own business and stop overthinking simple friend gestures. She obviously likes you as a friend, so why mess with that?

    If someone stops being your friend because you show interest in being more than friends than there is something wrong with the friendship.

    It's really not something to over think though, that's right. Ask her if there's something more there. If there is? Great. If there's not? Hey, you no longer have this thought hovering over everything.

    I had almost this exact situation with a friend recently, and I asked if there was really something there, she said no, she wasn't interested in a relationship with anyone right now, and that she never saw me as anything other than a friend.

    You know what? We're now a little closer as friends.

    You lose nothing by asking, and either way it goes you'll end up better afterwards.

    Go for it.

    Khavall on
  • TheungryTheungry Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    Speakeasy wrote: »
    Just don't do anything. Risking a friendship just because you think there is something is not worth it. Go on about your own business and stop overthinking simple friend gestures. She obviously likes you as a friend, so why mess with that?

    Do the opposite of this.

    Communicate with her. Thats what good friends do, and she seems to want to at least be good friends.

    Important question: are you attracted to her? You should not pursue a relationship if its just convenient because she digs you. If you want to be with her, though then bring it up. You might start with letting her know that you think she is pretty awesome and you appreciate her friendship etc, but you're confused about some of the things she says, and you'd like to be able to get a read on what she wants and what she's feeling. Be honest about how you feel towards her, and what you want from your friendship/possible relationship.

    It sounds like this is not exactly a bad problem to have by the way. I hope it works out well for you.

    Theungry on
    Unfortunately, western cultures frown upon arranged marriages, so the vast majority of people have to take risks in order to get into relationships.
  • DeShadowCDeShadowC Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    Theungry wrote: »
    You might start with letting her know that you think she is pretty awesome and you appreciate her friendship etc, but you're confused about some of the things she says, and you'd like to be able to get a read on what she wants and what she's feeling. Be honest about how you feel towards her, and what you want from your friendship/possible relationship.

    This is some of the best advice that can be given. Make sure you tell her you appreciate her friendship and don't want to harm that but you get a vibe from her and if you do let her know you have feelings as well. Make sure its very non confrontational and relaxed.

    DeShadowC on
  • LucidLucid Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    Important question: are you attracted to her? You should not pursue a relationship if its just convenient because she digs you.
    Yeah, I've had this happen before, going out with people just because they were attracted to me. Never good. I didn't really start out with any thoughts or intention of anything beyond friends. I guess that's why I'll just continue to hang out with her more, and see if things start getting clearer. If they remain a little ambiguous like this, I will probably ask what's up. I need to get to know her better anyways, since there really hasn't been all that much being together yet.

    Thanks for your thoughts everyone.

    Lucid on
  • SushisourceSushisource Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    MagicPrime wrote: »
    I say go for it, there are too many times in my life when I should have and didn't. And when I finally did it worked out great.

    So true. In all of my relationships, I had to make a move first. Not all girls will be so forthcoming.

    Sushisource on
    Some drugee on Kavinsky's 1986
    kavinskysig.gif
  • SarcastroSarcastro Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    It is interesting that girls tend to create opportunites, and leave it up to the men to take them. Grossly generalizing of course.

    If you like her show it, and if youre not into her, just keep hanging out. Good friends are like an investment in your future.

    Sarcastro on
  • nemesis92nemesis92 Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    I'm seeing positive signals there, but just be sure that anything you try to do is what you want, and not just anything you've rushed into.
    I've ruined a potentially amazing relationship by rushing at it, and I really advise against anything that's too fast.

    nemesis92 on
  • AegeriAegeri Tiny wee bacteriums Plateau of LengRegistered User regular
    edited April 2008
    If someone stops being your friend because you show interest in being more than friends than there is something wrong with the friendship

    Quite true!

    Aegeri on
    The Roleplayer's Guild: My blog for roleplaying games, advice and adventuring.
  • PirateJonPirateJon Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    Aegeri wrote: »
    If someone stops being your friend because you show interest in being more than friends than there is something wrong with the friendship

    Quite true!

    A revelation like this completely changes the relationship dynamic. To say otherwise is delusional and to expect no changes is grossly unfair to the other person.

    If they aren't comfortable with the new dynamic, then they won't hang out with you as much. They might be fine with it, or they might need time/space to deal with it, or they may never hang out again. This last one is especially likely with the clingy insecure "nice guys" that think by being nice or friendly to a girl they are somehow entitled to a relationship.

    PirateJon on
    all perfectionists are mediocre in their own eyes
  • KhavallKhavall British ColumbiaRegistered User regular
    edited April 2008
    PirateJon wrote: »
    Aegeri wrote: »
    If someone stops being your friend because you show interest in being more than friends than there is something wrong with the friendship

    Quite true!

    A revelation like this completely changes the relationship dynamic. To say otherwise is delusional and to expect no changes is grossly unfair to the other person.

    If they aren't comfortable with the new dynamic, then they won't hang out with you as much. They might be fine with it, or they might need time/space to deal with it, or they may never hang out again. This last one is especially likely with the clingy insecure "nice guys" that think by being nice or friendly to a girl they are somehow entitled to a relationship.

    Of course there will be changes, for one you will both be on the same page.


    I don't think anyone can honestly say that sitting there wondering all the time what's up, and never communicating any thoughts, is a good relationship. Friendship or otherwise, not talking about things that are important is a supid-ass idea and you should be ashamed for bringing it up.


    Communication is important for any sort of relationship. It's a far better idea to bring it up if you're confused and talk about it than just let things sit with different expectations for the friendship, sitting there wondering as something that maybe both of you want never happens or the relationship is ruined because things are awkward because you're approaching the whole thing differently.


    I mean really, I can't understand how anyone could think that "DON'T COMMUNICATE EVER WITH OTHER PEOPLE!" I mean god, there is absolutely no interpersonal interaction that is made better by not communicating clearly.

    Khavall on
  • ForarForar #432 Toronto, Ontario, CanadaRegistered User regular
    edited April 2008
    Please tell me that was entirely in jest.

    If not, flee. FLEE!

    Edit: this was in regards to a post about the ladder theory, which appears to have been since deleted.

    Forar on
    First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
  • FunkyWaltDoggFunkyWaltDogg Columbia, SCRegistered User regular
    edited April 2008
    Theungry wrote: »
    Communicate with her. Thats what good friends do, and she seems to want to at least be good friends.

    Important question: are you attracted to her? You should not pursue a relationship if its just convenient because she digs you. If you want to be with her, though then bring it up. You might start with letting her know that you think she is pretty awesome and you appreciate her friendship etc, but you're confused about some of the things she says, and you'd like to be able to get a read on what she wants and what she's feeling. Be honest about how you feel towards her, and what you want from your friendship/possible relationship.

    It sounds like this is not exactly a bad problem to have by the way. I hope it works out well for you.

    I agree entirely with this post, and I'd add that it is entirely possible to go from friendship, to one person expressing romantic feelings that the other doesn't reciprocate, and get back to friendship again. So don't worry too much that you will ruin things forever. It could happen, sure, but it's by no means a certainty, and good communication will go a long way towards preventing that outcome.

    FunkyWaltDogg on
  • Oz K. FodrotskiOz K. Fodrotski Registered User regular
    edited April 2008
    Forar wrote: »
    Please tell me that was entirely in jest.

    If not, flee. FLEE!

    Edit: this was in regards to a post about the ladder theory, which appears to have been since deleted.

    It was entirely in jest. Also, apparently in violation of the rules.

    Oz K. Fodrotski on
Sign In or Register to comment.