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The Long Distance Relationship Thread!
histronic
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I've been putting off making this thread for a while now, because I wanted to try to deal with this on my own. However, lately it seems too great of a burden to bear. I'll start with the background: I'm 21 years old and my family moved to a new state last summer. I left the college I was going to to go with them, and will hopefully be transferring to a local school next semester. About a month after I moved to this new state, I met the most amazing girl (she's actually my dad's boss' daughter). We spent a lot of time together hanging out as just friends, during which time I learned that in 3 months she would be leaving for a semester to study abroad. When I learned this, I tried to put up my guard and not go farther than friends because I had tried a long distance relationship before and it was very difficult. However, unable to resist, I fell in love and we went out for three months, the three greatest months of my life. Then she left, in January. The study abroad program she is doing is called Semester at Sea, and she is taking courses on a cruise ship which is traveling the world and stopping at various countries where she is able to get off the ship and run around the country for a few days before getting back on and going to the next country. Since she is on the ship so much, and because she is across the world, communications have been extremely scarce. The average that we've gotten to talk is less than an hour a week.
I was doing fine with this for a while, because I believe with all my heart she is worth the wait. However, 6 weeks after she left I made a huge mistake. It was the night of my birthday, and I invited a bunch of her friends to party with me at one of my new friends' apartment. I wanted to get really drunk at this party because I was having a hard time dealing with the distance and the loss of the feeling of love. I figured if I got drunk enough it would be nice to just push it all out of my mind and have a good time once, until she got back. However, I got way too drunk (I'm 135 lbs., and I played Edward 40 hands, beer pong, and took shots) and hence made my mistake. One of her friends ended up making out with me and I was so drunk that I thought it felt good and missed the feeling so I didn't stop it. We ended up fooling around for a bit until I sobered up a bit and realized what was happening and stopped and left. I feel terrible for this, though. I don't know if I should tell her or not, but no one else saw it happen. It sucks because I never wanted to do anything like that, and I had previously to that turned down girls who hit on me, and have since then.
It's been over a month since this happened, and my girlfriend gets back in another month. I've kept what I did a secret so far because I don't get to talk to her that much and I didn't want to throw it into a conversation on the phone with her and then have us get cut off because she ran out of minutes on her phone or interference from her being across the world or something. Any advice on whether or not I should tell her when she gets back? I don't want to hurt her at all, but its weighing heavily on my conscience...
Besides that, has anyone else gone through a long distance relationship that can tell me what its like when their significant other returns? I'm kind of nervous because I'm not sure if she will get back and it is going to be like before she left or if it is going to be like we're starting over again? 3 and a half months is a long time... especially because we don't really have the chance to talk. I dunno, I guess this thread is also just a place for me to vent. If anyone else is going through something like this, post here and we'll have a sort of support group.
So... any advice on whether or not to tell her about what I did, and/or what its going to be like when she gets back?
I was doing fine with this for a while, because I believe with all my heart she is worth the wait. However, 6 weeks after she left I made a huge mistake. It was the night of my birthday, and I invited a bunch of her friends to party with me at one of my new friends' apartment. I wanted to get really drunk at this party because I was having a hard time dealing with the distance and the loss of the feeling of love. I figured if I got drunk enough it would be nice to just push it all out of my mind and have a good time once, until she got back. However, I got way too drunk (I'm 135 lbs., and I played Edward 40 hands, beer pong, and took shots) and hence made my mistake. One of her friends ended up making out with me and I was so drunk that I thought it felt good and missed the feeling so I didn't stop it. We ended up fooling around for a bit until I sobered up a bit and realized what was happening and stopped and left. I feel terrible for this, though. I don't know if I should tell her or not, but no one else saw it happen. It sucks because I never wanted to do anything like that, and I had previously to that turned down girls who hit on me, and have since then.
It's been over a month since this happened, and my girlfriend gets back in another month. I've kept what I did a secret so far because I don't get to talk to her that much and I didn't want to throw it into a conversation on the phone with her and then have us get cut off because she ran out of minutes on her phone or interference from her being across the world or something. Any advice on whether or not I should tell her when she gets back? I don't want to hurt her at all, but its weighing heavily on my conscience...
Besides that, has anyone else gone through a long distance relationship that can tell me what its like when their significant other returns? I'm kind of nervous because I'm not sure if she will get back and it is going to be like before she left or if it is going to be like we're starting over again? 3 and a half months is a long time... especially because we don't really have the chance to talk. I dunno, I guess this thread is also just a place for me to vent. If anyone else is going through something like this, post here and we'll have a sort of support group.
So... any advice on whether or not to tell her about what I did, and/or what its going to be like when she gets back?
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As far as telling her about the hook-up; I would say you should definitely talk to her about it, and you should definitely wait until she's been home for a few days and things are settling. If you are afraid of hurting her, think of how much worse she would be hurt if she did find out from another source. Hearing it from you will always be hard, but honesty and respect are important in relationships, and if she isn't a total jerk, she will probably see that your honesty is evidence of you being trustworthy and committed to the relationship.
Best of luck.
If you're clear in your own mind that your mistake was a mistake - and that she won't find out in any other way - then don't tell her about it. There was a thread here a while ago with a guy who always told his girlfriend when he was even thinking about another girl. You actually did something wrong, but even so, it will only cause harm if you tell her.
I think you'll be okay. She'll be dying to see you again after being stuck on a boat for three months. Even if it is a little like starting over again, you managed that last time, so you'll be able to do it again easily.
Just don't get that piss drunk, and do it again. Control yourself, buddy.
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Also, it's rare that only one person slips up in a long distance relationship. If you did, how do you know she didn't either? It's better to let the other person know, and get rid of the guilt. Time will heal any of those wounds once you show you can be credible again.
The worry that since its one of her friends he made out with her feeling guilty and telling his g/f first.
Wrong. Telling your partner "hey, I cheated on you" isn't virtuous... it's selfish. The OP gets a cleaner conscience and a weight off their shoulders, in exchange for which their partner is suddenly expected to wrap their head around the fact that they got cheated on.
You cheated. You fucked up. You don't deserve the peace of mind that comes with confession - not if it comes at the expense of your partner's happiness and trust. You will just need to learn to live with that guilt, to keep it close to your chest as a reminder to never, ever do that again.
Now, as other people have said, if you think she's going to find out anyway from another source, you need to tell her. It will hurt her immensely when you do, but it would hurt her more to hear it from a classmate while waiting in line at the supermarket.
The bottom line is, when you cheat on someone, you forfeit the right to put your own feelings first. If you feel miserable, that's something you need to deal with internally. That's the price you pay for your transgression. Laying your sin at your partner's feet is false chivalry when what she doesn't know won't hurt her, but what she does know will.
I read that part but considering like I said it is one of her friends, sooner or later shes bound to find out. Also since it was at a party how many other people saw this. Sounds to me like the chances of her finding out are high, and it'd be better for her to find out from him then some other random person.
Also, the whole "well if you cheated, she probably did too" argument is too fucking ridiculous to even respond to.
Dealing with the problem like an adult and admitting his mistake, rather than having to lie. Having an open and honest relationship with the person you care about, and not lying about your drunk makeout session. It's also better if he admits to it now than when the girl's friend eventually spills it. You know it will find it's way sometime.
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Dealing with things like an adult is how you enjoy deep mature relationships. Life is not always easy, but dealing with things head on instead of hiding from them is what differentiates healthy stable relationships (and people) from unhealthy.
*If you think you're going to continue to cheat, either break up with the other person, or ask them to make the relationship an open one.
*If it was a one-time, drunken makeout session, you don't say anything, because it was a one-time, drunken makeout session, and is only going to make things painful and awkward all around.
If the other girl spilling is honestly something the OP thinks he has to worry about, he should sit down with that girl and say "listen, I never intend to do anything like that again, it was a mistake, and I don't want to unload it onto my girlfriend. However, if you're ever going to tell her, please, let me know, because I think if she has to hear it, she should hear it from me first."
Contrary to popular belief, "honesty" is not always a virtue.