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Involving a girl and the gays
Walcott?
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So, I guess this can be made pretty short.
There's this girl I've worked with for a year or two up here at school. I'm pretty sure she's grown to (to quote Hey Arnold!, among others) like me like me. The only problem is that I'm gay. Well, the problem, I guess, is that I'm not out yet. And I don't really feeling telling her. I guess I can trust her, but what if she doesn't actually like me like that? I'd look like an idiot and be telling her for no reason. I've been making up excuses for not seeing her, which is making me come off like a dick
What should I do?
Oh, and the reason I'm not out up here at college is because I kind of only recently accepted it and I don't want to jeopardize my roommate's peace of mind.
There's this girl I've worked with for a year or two up here at school. I'm pretty sure she's grown to (to quote Hey Arnold!, among others) like me like me. The only problem is that I'm gay. Well, the problem, I guess, is that I'm not out yet. And I don't really feeling telling her. I guess I can trust her, but what if she doesn't actually like me like that? I'd look like an idiot and be telling her for no reason. I've been making up excuses for not seeing her, which is making me come off like a dick
What should I do?Oh, and the reason I'm not out up here at college is because I kind of only recently accepted it and I don't want to jeopardize my roommate's peace of mind.
Walcott? on
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This is spot-on. Just treat her as you would normally, and if she makes advances, only raise the issue then.
I would drop this part. I had a female friend come onto me and I said that line almost verbatim, when I meant "I'm really not looking for a relationship with you" In an attempt to spare her feelings I ended up leading her on, and six months later she was asking "how about now?"
I am not saying be a dick, just be clear what you want.
Although as for the situation described, be her friend and don't read too much into things.
And yeah, I feel/felt like an ass when I think anyone is interested in me. But, I usually assume that they're not, which is an assuring sign that I'm not too vain.
Anyway, thanks.
I mean, I think MOST people, at some point in their lives, see that a friend or buddy could be "more than a friend," but they're not sure if it's just a hunch, something real, or if they're simply projecting. So they just don't worry about it. If she pushes the issue or asks you if you want to do more, just tell her that you're not into her in that way. If she seems crestfallen, tell her it's not her, it's that you're not into any girls. No point pushing the issue, though.
Also keep in mind she might think that you're gay through "gaydar." A lot of girls will talk to gay friends a bit differently than regular guy friends and it's quite similar to flirting (and as a Bi, I must say this really sucks). So she might not be trying to pursue a relationship with you.
Whatever you do, come out of the closet to her. Worst case scenario if you do come out to her, she does like you and will think to her self "dammit, I can't believe he's gay. Time to find another one." And worst case scenario if you don't come out to her she'll start thinking it's something wrong with her (like her looks, saying stupid things, etc...) and obsess about changing these things about her.
This bit right here is what jumped out at me. It's entirely possible that, even though you perceive it as you coming off like a dick, she might think you're playing hard to get. If you think this is a possibility, it's probably better to think of some non-chalant way of getting it out there that you're gay before she resorts to forcing your hand later on with an awkward situation that could potentially kill the friendship.
Or that she does think you're coming off as a dick, and is attracted to that.
The issue here is not how you're going to spare her feelings and make her feel better, the issue here is how you're going to have any fun at college pretending you're something you're not to spare the emotional state of a roomie you don't have to live with if he turns out to be uncool with it.
Just a simple "I'm not interested" as mentioned in the beginning is just fine. If you tell someone no and they think you're playing hard to get, that's their fault. Not yours. If you say "I just want to be friends and that's something that is not going to change" than it's not likely she's going to be attracted to how powerfully and masterfully you rejected her. Just be upfront.
Telling her that you aren't into girls at all is up to you; while sometimes telling someone the reasoning behind your decision makes it easier for them to accept, you don't have to if you don't want to. The goal here is to be comfortable with yourself, be nice and polite to her, but not cater to her just in order to make her happy.
And the whole coming out thing is just a whole other topic that I should probably see a therapist about or something. I'm just incredibly afraid of rejection--from friends, family, or otherwise.
Anyway, I think I'll try to get in contact with her this weekend and just hang out. If anything is awkward, we'll see. Thanks for the basic tips, which I should've figured out on my own, I guess.
This is going to sound REALLY stupid but i have Corneal Astigmatism, which in and of itself isn't the weirdest or the worst thing ever (It just means my eyes are slightly elliptical instead of perfectly spherical) but i was shit scared of telling my friends
I'm a chronic worrier though, so my fear of rejection sort of gets the best of me
But you shouldn't let it get the best of you, you should be proud of who you are
Goddamnit I'm so jealous of that.
Damn gays. :P