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I need to learn to talk to the opposite sex

KyouguKyougu Registered User regular
edited May 2008 in Help / Advice Forum
I just had a very depressing moment. I'm sitting in one of the tables at the University Union studying/assing around with my laptop when a cute girl approaches and asks to sit in my table(all the other ones arounds us were filled.) I say yes, and what proceeds is mainly 20 minutes of silence. I break the ice briefly to ask about the book she's reading, and she asks about mine, but after that it's all silence. I can swear I catch her glancing at me a bit, but for the life of me I can't bring myself to say to anything. I then leave for my test, feeling depressed.


So yeah, basically I need to change this behavior of mine. Break through that wall. I think at this point of my life I'm looking the best I ever have, and feeling the best. So it's perfect timing really. Any tips?

Kyougu on

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    DocDoc Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited May 2008
    What makes you think you should talk to cute girls any differently than anyone else?

    Women are not supernatural beings.

    Doc on
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    Folken FanelFolken Fanel anime af When's KoFRegistered User regular
    edited May 2008
    How about continuing the conversation? If that's so hard, the only way to get better at it is to have more conversations. There's no magic to it, just start socializing more and it'll get easier.

    Folken Fanel on
    Twitter: Folken_fgc Steam: folken_ XBL: flashg03 PSN: folken_PA SFV: folken_
    Dyvim Tvar wrote: »
    Characters I hate:

    Everybody @Folken Fanel plays as.
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    ThreelemmingsThreelemmings Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    There's really only one thing you need to remember: girls are just regular people, but prettier (at least I think so).

    Really though, with any kind of anxiety (if you feel any) you just have to look at your feelings and decide if they're valid or not. I'm at my best in a group of strangers because, in a lot of ways, I know I don't have to be nervous about anything; if nothing works out, you can just excuse yourself and walk away.

    In the same way with any girls you meet, just kind of put yourself out there and make conversation. Don't shoot yourself in the foot and think too far ahead and wonder what it'd be like to date her, whether or not she'll like you, what it'll take for her to think you're worth noticing. Just talk to people and get comfortable with making conversation. In the end, the same skills you use to meet people and make friends are the same ones you use to meet girls and get dates, so don't treat them that much differently and everything should be golden.

    EDIT: And yeah, getting close and asking people out on dates is a bit different, but you're just asking how to talk to people and the answer is the same as everyone else's: just talk. If there's a connection it generally gets stronger automatically, at least in my own experience. Just let things ride and do whatever it is you do best when talking to people.

    Threelemmings on
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    ProhassProhass Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    I usually just say whatever comes to my mind. If it happens to be stupid eh. Most of the time girls will laugh if you smile, even if you say goofy stuff, or embarrass yourself, if you smile and just relax, it doesnt really matter what you say, just as long as you say something. Anything.

    Prohass on
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    JeiceJeice regular
    edited May 2008
    After you have a decent conversation going (follow the advice from everyone above), if you want to follow it up and possibly ask her out in the future, after the conversation is done, ask for her e-mail. Ask for e-mail, not phone number because e-mail is less personal and people tend to give those out more often.

    Jeice on
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    OhtheVogonityOhtheVogonity Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    It took me a long time to stop being socially awkward and it is a sustained effort to keep it up.

    Three things I do: Ask Questions, Listen, and Smile.

    Sometimes you feel like an ass just asking question after question, but frequently in their answers you find something about you that you can add into the conversation.

    And when you smile at people they almost always smile back. And gosh, smilin' girls sure are pretty, huh?

    OhtheVogonity on
    Oh freddled gruntbuggly...thy micturations are to me/ As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee
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    SkyGheNeSkyGheNe Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    I'd say that you were on the right track with drumming up conversation. Really - when you're talking to someone it can sometimes hit a dead end or become a chain reaction where a subject leads into more subjects.

    For instance, there was a girl in class that I was interested in getting to know. I would kinda go off on these discussions about the books we were reading, or talk about a zany situation I had in a restroom (some kid started talking to me at a urinal! I went on about how it was a violation of sacred bathroom rules), at one point she offered me some fruit snacks, I asked what flavor? And then we went on talking about how it tastes like strawberries without a single hint of the fruit in it.

    I friended her on facebook - we didn't really chat at all, but I ran into her on a bus, she asked what I was doing this summer - talked about hiking plans. She said that she likes walking but had never really done 'real' hiking. Then moved on to local areas. Before I left I said, "Hey, well, if you're interested in hiking this summer, I'll give you a ring or message you over facebook." She said "Funny, that's exactly what I was thinking."

    Sometimes people want to talk. Sometimes people don't want to talk and are eager to get their work done. You just need to feel it out and believe me - the best subject to talk about is absolutely nothing. I like to call them seinfeld moments. But I think you were on the right track - just go out of your way to keep the conversation going and look for ways to add to the momentum, no matter how mundane, quirky or small they might be.

    And more importantly - be yourself. Don't be afraid to talk about things you enjoy.

    Also, I echo what Doc said. Treat em like a human being...one of the guys. Just don't swear or use crude jokes if they aren't into it haha.

    SkyGheNe on
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    KyouguKyougu Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Thanks for the advice guys.

    I think I should change the title to something else though. I can talk to women and regularly do so either at work or in class. It's just approaching random girls that I don't know that continues to be a torn on my side.

    Kyougu on
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    SkyGheNeSkyGheNe Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Kyougu wrote: »
    Thanks for the advice guys.

    I think I should change the title to something else though. I can talk to women and regularly do so either at work or in class. It's just approaching random girls that I don't know that continues to be a torn on my side.

    Random girls could probably be treated the same as your coworkers. The only thing you need to be aware of is if they are willing to talk to you or not, which depends on how relaxed and focused they are in their work.

    SkyGheNe on
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    Bliss 101Bliss 101 Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    You learn to talk to new people you're attracted to the same way you learn to talk to any new people. Start conversations. Start conversations with girls you're not interested in. Start conversations with dudes. It's a skill that improves with practice until it becomes a natural part of you.

    Bliss 101 on
    MSL59.jpg
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    EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Kyougu wrote: »
    Thanks for the advice guys.

    I think I should change the title to something else though. I can talk to women and regularly do so either at work or in class. It's just approaching random girls that I don't know that continues to be a torn on my side.

    How is this different than approaching random people of either gender?

    Look, could you go up to a guy who sits at your table, as above, and start chatting him up to see if he's into video games, or wants to hang out sometime because you and 2 other guys play [game] and need a 4th? It'd be a little awkward, right? I mean, you don't even *know* the guy.

    Don't beat yourself up over it. Look at it this way -- the only reason you had to talk to this girl was that you found her physically attractive. You had no topic of conversation, and ultimately no real interest in her, other than what she looks like. And people wonder why guys still use pick-up lines at bars (pick-up lines that inevitably focus on the woman's appearance).

    You need to know when to pick your battles, and use those times of positive opportunity effectively. For example, say this girl is reading a book, and you read it a few months ago. Or it's a textbook and you took the class yourself. Or she sits down with a laptop and you notice it's the same model you or a friend has (or it's a mac or whatever). You have an opening, a conversation point.

    But if she's reading a book you've never heard of, you don't recognize her from anywhere, and you have nothing to say -- you're just thinking about how she's easy on the eyes -- uh, you don't have anything to say. She could've been the most amazing woman in the world (unlikely) but it's probably just never meant to be.


    I went through a mental shift after I got married, and I'm MUCH more comfortable talking to people of both genders. Attractive women (who if I were not married I would probably be interested in going out with) present no obstacle. But that's because I'm not focusing on their looks, or how their ass looks or any of that. I mean I'm not a eunuch but I'm not exactly single and looking. And because I don't have that idea in the back of my head that I need a date, if I have something to say to someone, or some snappy conversation point, it's little anxiety to blurt it out. But more importantly, I also don't get anxiety when I have nothing to say. Because I have nothing to say. Perhaps it's a confidence thing, but it's also a different angle, and I think it stands to prove a point when looking to chat up random people -- don't fixate.

    Cos if you're just looking at a girl's looks, you're going to sound pretty boring when you get around to talking to her.

    EggyToast on
    || Flickr — || PSN: EggyToast
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    FeralFeral MEMETICHARIZARD interior crocodile alligator ⇔ ǝɹʇɐǝɥʇ ǝᴉʌoɯ ʇǝloɹʌǝɥɔ ɐ ǝʌᴉɹp ᴉRegistered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Learn to ask open-ended* questions. This is a good conversational skill to have in general, not just with attractive girls.

    From your example in the OP.

    "What book are you reading?"
    "What is it about?"
    "What do you like about it?"
    "What else have you read by that author?"

    If you run out of things to say, just ask another open-ended question. Let them talk to you.

    * - Open-ended = can't be answered with one word. "What do you like about that book?" is a good question. "Do you like that book?" is a bad question, because they could just say, "Nah," and then you have no conversation.

    Feral on
    every person who doesn't like an acquired taste always seems to think everyone who likes it is faking it. it should be an official fallacy.

    the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
  • Options
    DocDoc Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited May 2008
    Feral wrote: »
    Learn to ask open-ended* questions. This is a good conversational skill to have in general, not just with attractive girls.

    From your example in the OP.

    "What book are you reading?"
    "What is it about?"
    "What do you like about it?"
    "What else have you read by that author?"

    If you run out of things to say, just ask another open-ended question. Let them talk to you.

    * - Open-ended = can't be answered with one word. "What do you like about that book?" is a good question. "Do you like that book?" is a bad question, because they could just say, "Nah," and then you have no conversation.

    the best thing to do is ask them all in a row without giving them a chance to respond.
    it shows that you are really interested.

    Doc on
  • Options
    FeralFeral MEMETICHARIZARD interior crocodile alligator ⇔ ǝɹʇɐǝɥʇ ǝᴉʌoɯ ʇǝloɹʌǝɥɔ ɐ ǝʌᴉɹp ᴉRegistered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Doc wrote: »
    Feral wrote: »
    Learn to ask open-ended* questions. This is a good conversational skill to have in general, not just with attractive girls.

    From your example in the OP.

    "What book are you reading?"
    "What is it about?"
    "What do you like about it?"
    "What else have you read by that author?"

    If you run out of things to say, just ask another open-ended question. Let them talk to you.

    * - Open-ended = can't be answered with one word. "What do you like about that book?" is a good question. "Do you like that book?" is a bad question, because they could just say, "Nah," and then you have no conversation.

    the best thing to do is ask them all in a row without giving them a chance to respond.
    it shows that you are really interested.

    It works best if you're seven feet tall and you can loom over them as you doggedly interrogate them.

    Feral on
    every person who doesn't like an acquired taste always seems to think everyone who likes it is faking it. it should be an official fallacy.

    the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
  • Options
    DocDoc Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited May 2008
    Feral wrote: »
    Doc wrote: »
    Feral wrote: »
    Learn to ask open-ended* questions. This is a good conversational skill to have in general, not just with attractive girls.

    From your example in the OP.

    "What book are you reading?"
    "What is it about?"
    "What do you like about it?"
    "What else have you read by that author?"

    If you run out of things to say, just ask another open-ended question. Let them talk to you.

    * - Open-ended = can't be answered with one word. "What do you like about that book?" is a good question. "Do you like that book?" is a bad question, because they could just say, "Nah," and then you have no conversation.

    the best thing to do is ask them all in a row without giving them a chance to respond.
    it shows that you are really interested.

    It works best if you're seven feet tall and you can loom over them as you doggedly interrogate them.

    That's why I always carry a maglite

    Doc on
  • Options
    DarkPrimusDarkPrimus Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Doc wrote: »
    Feral wrote: »
    Doc wrote: »
    Feral wrote: »
    Learn to ask open-ended* questions. This is a good conversational skill to have in general, not just with attractive girls.

    From your example in the OP.

    "What book are you reading?"
    "What is it about?"
    "What do you like about it?"
    "What else have you read by that author?"

    If you run out of things to say, just ask another open-ended question. Let them talk to you.

    * - Open-ended = can't be answered with one word. "What do you like about that book?" is a good question. "Do you like that book?" is a bad question, because they could just say, "Nah," and then you have no conversation.

    the best thing to do is ask them all in a row without giving them a chance to respond.
    it shows that you are really interested.

    It works best if you're seven feet tall and you can loom over them as you doggedly interrogate them.

    That's why I always carry a maglite

    It also allows for the classic "Yes, that's a flashlight in my pocket, but I'm happy to see you" line.

    DarkPrimus on
  • Options
    Oz K. FodrotskiOz K. Fodrotski Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Feral wrote: »
    Doc wrote: »
    Feral wrote: »
    Learn to ask open-ended* questions. This is a good conversational skill to have in general, not just with attractive girls.

    From your example in the OP.

    "What book are you reading?"
    "What is it about?"
    "What do you like about it?"
    "What else have you read by that author?"

    If you run out of things to say, just ask another open-ended question. Let them talk to you.

    * - Open-ended = can't be answered with one word. "What do you like about that book?" is a good question. "Do you like that book?" is a bad question, because they could just say, "Nah," and then you have no conversation.

    the best thing to do is ask them all in a row without giving them a chance to respond.
    it shows that you are really interested.

    It works best if you're seven feet tall and you can loom over them as you doggedly interrogate them.

    Always tie them to a chair and ask them repeatedly what squadron they're in. They love that.

    Maybe not on the first date, though.

    Oz K. Fodrotski on
  • Options
    FeralFeral MEMETICHARIZARD interior crocodile alligator ⇔ ǝɹʇɐǝɥʇ ǝᴉʌoɯ ʇǝloɹʌǝɥɔ ɐ ǝʌᴉɹp ᴉRegistered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Feral wrote: »
    Doc wrote: »
    Feral wrote: »
    Learn to ask open-ended* questions. This is a good conversational skill to have in general, not just with attractive girls.

    From your example in the OP.

    "What book are you reading?"
    "What is it about?"
    "What do you like about it?"
    "What else have you read by that author?"

    If you run out of things to say, just ask another open-ended question. Let them talk to you.

    * - Open-ended = can't be answered with one word. "What do you like about that book?" is a good question. "Do you like that book?" is a bad question, because they could just say, "Nah," and then you have no conversation.

    the best thing to do is ask them all in a row without giving them a chance to respond.
    it shows that you are really interested.

    It works best if you're seven feet tall and you can loom over them as you doggedly interrogate them.

    Always tie them to a chair and ask them repeatedly what squadron they're in. They love that.

    Maybe not on the first date, though.

    I think it's totally hot when a girl repeats her last name, ID number, and MOS over and over again.

    Feral on
    every person who doesn't like an acquired taste always seems to think everyone who likes it is faking it. it should be an official fallacy.

    the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
  • Options
    DocDoc Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited May 2008
    Feral wrote: »
    Doc wrote: »
    Feral wrote: »
    Learn to ask open-ended* questions. This is a good conversational skill to have in general, not just with attractive girls.

    From your example in the OP.

    "What book are you reading?"
    "What is it about?"
    "What do you like about it?"
    "What else have you read by that author?"

    If you run out of things to say, just ask another open-ended question. Let them talk to you.

    * - Open-ended = can't be answered with one word. "What do you like about that book?" is a good question. "Do you like that book?" is a bad question, because they could just say, "Nah," and then you have no conversation.

    the best thing to do is ask them all in a row without giving them a chance to respond.
    it shows that you are really interested.

    It works best if you're seven feet tall and you can loom over them as you doggedly interrogate them.

    Always tie them to a chair and ask them repeatedly what squadron they're in. They love that.

    Maybe not on the first date, though.

    That would be some interesting roleplay.

    Doc on
  • Options
    TrowizillaTrowizilla Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    You're in college, right? So you've got an automatic conversation topic right there. Next time, ask, "So, what classes are you taking?" This ought to get you a couple more topics: majors, professors, papers, finals. Talk about college politics, gossip, stuff that everyone has an opinion on.

    Basically, though, talking to girls you don't know is just like talking to guys you don't know. If you freak out at her because "OMG A GIRL IS SPEAKING TO ME," you're going to creep her out. You're having a conversation with a new person, so be cool and enjoy it for what it is.

    Trowizilla on
  • Options
    TopiaTopia Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Want help?

    http://www.themysterymethod.com/

    Watch this video to learn more about it, you can always trust Dr. Phil's opinion. Seriously, I'm not like a sales person or anything, but just doing simple reading on this can give you quite a bit of information that, if you know it, might make you more confident with women.

    Topia on
  • Options
    TaGuelleTaGuelle Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    If you dont want something from somebody, it's much easier to talk to them. I'm not saying that you can't want to go out on a date with the girl you're chatting up but don't imagine that with every chick you meet there's gonna be a cup of coffee and a night of sex at the end of the question "So what book are you reading". Just let shit happen. Conversation is also not just a one way street. She's gotta partake as well and the amount of enthusiasm that she has will help; unless you're just that charismatic or egocentric. Compliments can help,but only in a subtle or natural way. I hope people don't think me kind of an asshole for this, but the right complement landed in a good spot, can ease you of the "burden" of making conversation. For instance, I live in Germany, lots of people like to practice their English. If it happens to be good, you tell them so, and why. I've found, mostly because I only say it when it's true, people tend to be very receptive to that, whether I'm looking for a date or not, and will proceed to talk almost incessantly (once or twice) about English/German/American-German relations. Amusingly enough, normally to the point where it stretches their English ability.

    TaGuelle on
  • Options
    JeedanJeedan Registered User regular
    edited May 2008
    Topia wrote: »
    Want help?

    http://www.themysterymethod.com/

    Watch this video to learn more about it, you can always trust Dr. Phil's opinion. Seriously, I'm not like a sales person or anything, but just doing simple reading on this can give you quite a bit of information that, if you know it, might make you more confident with women.

    Learn the mystery method if you want to learn how to talk to girls from a man who looks like this:
    mysteryfa5.jpg

    Jeedan on
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