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Socialize me!

DalbozDalboz Resident Puppy EaterRight behind you...Registered User regular
edited June 2008 in Help / Advice Forum
I have a similar problem to some other people on this board from the threads I'm reading. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut of where I am and who I'm with. Mainly, not really anyone outside of work. I'm not dating anyone and don't date much, and really it comes down to the fact that I don't know how to meet people and socialize with strangers, or anything of that nature. I'm fairly quiet, read a lot, and play WoW, which I know is a detriment to the social life regardless of the person or situation.

Here's the problem: Unlike most of the others who complain about this, I'm not in college or have college or school activities open to me. I'm 30 years old. I graduated college and entered the work force a long time ago. I've tried dating sites. I've had profiles up on various sites for close to nine years now, with no success. I've subscribed and sent messages with less success.

I'm not a player, and I don't want to be. But I'm tired of being alone and stuck in this rut, whether it be a date or just meeting people and developing friendships. I've lost touch with my friends from high school and college. And being at my age and situation, I feel trapped. Help!

Dalboz on

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    nevilleneville The Worst Gay (Seriously. The Worst!)Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    Dad?

    neville on
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    StaxeonStaxeon Buffalo, NYRegistered User regular
    edited June 2008
    This is tough because there's no predicting when the results will happen. Its like whatever happens happens. But I think if you keep THAT in mind it will help you. Don't put alot of weight into your interactions with people. You've gotta be kinda easy going and willing to just chat with anyone you interact with. Grocery store clerk, receptionists, delivery people, anyone.

    Being shy sucks. I'm also 30 and used to be very shy. At times I still am and I think some people misconstrue my shyness for possibly snobbishness, because I'll just break off a conversation and skitter away. But I found if I don't really care, per se, about what I'm saying or what the outcome is I'm less nervous and more natural in the conversation.

    It might also help to get into activities that might get you to meet different circles of people. When I moved for a new job I started by hitting the local comic book shops and hanging out, talking to people there. Then I decided to get back into bicycling, so I went to the bike shop and talked to people there. Found out about a bike rally, went to it and met some more people there.

    Just little steps, make yourself available to a variety of options.

    Staxeon on
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    LewishamLewisham Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    You need to get male friends before you can start dating. Women can smell a man with no friends a mile away, and they worry what is wrong with you. Friends will also help you dress better or other dating tips, and might have female companions who have hot single friends to set you up on dates with.

    So: priority one is getting friends. Stop playing WoW, start joining real world clubs. Martial arts or something. Start small, work up.

    Lewisham on
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    CyberJackalCyberJackal Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    You're not trapped. Depending on your area, there's tons of stuff you could get involved in. Here's just a few ideas off the top of my head:

    - Dance lessons
    - Book clubs
    - Sports
    - Volunteering
    - Church

    All of these have both men and women, and all are low pressure ways to meet people with similar interests. Craigslist is a good place to find these sorts of events.

    CyberJackal on
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    cmsamocmsamo Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    I'd agree with what others have said.

    First off - you have to rid yourself of the mental image of being trapped, and being stuck. These thoughts are precisely those that are stopping you moving forward. I've recently been reading a book by a guy in the UK (Derren Brown, if anyone has heard of him) and he had a TV show where in one of the episodes, he helped an IT worker guy who had no confidence at all, and felt like he was wasting his life. It is in season 2 of the series and is called "Derren Brown - Trick or Treat - Confidence".

    If you feel inside that you're trapped and unhappy, you can't help but subconciously reflect this to anyone around you. First step is to try and be positive in everything you do at the moment -

    Reading - this is a great hobby - perhaps go to the local libraries and bookstores, and start to socialise with people there? buy a book and stay for coffee? Some stores have book clubs where people meet up and discuss things?

    WoW - well, I just started playing it myself, a month ago. I don't consider it to be a detriment to my life (I went through and dealt with MMO addiction with the original incantation of Star Wars Galaxies.) I have real life friends who play WoW, and live far away from me, so we socialise via the game, whilst relaxing and chilling. Like most things, just start to take it in moderation and use the game in a more positive way instead of thinking it's bad to play? I dunno...

    Anyhoo, reason for posting, I went through something similar about 4 years ago, and what helped me was going out to the local bar to watch sports one night (because my team was on TV and I didn't have the channel). I met a load of guys who also regularly went to the same bar, and through watching sports I got to know them socially. The friendships naturally expanded, and from there I got into their interests (shooting, boxing, and gym workout) and of course through those extra interests I met other people. I've come full circle, and now I'm outgoing and confident wheras before that, I would stay in all the time and play SWG, and not go out at all.

    As for dating - well, again, people seem to have a sixth sense of when you are happy and contented in yourself. Ever wondered why you can never get a date when you are single? but when you are in a relationship, people always want to date you? I think it's because of what I said earlier, contentment and well being on the inside reflects to the same persona that others see, and they are much more interested in a happy, outgoing person than somebody that thinks they are trapped and not going anywhere. If you can get your mindset to move forward, and make it a challenge to get yourself involved in things, (strike out to new frontiers if you will), then I'm sure everything will fall into place...

    (Sorry if this is a ramble...! I really do suggest you try and find that episode on youtube or whatever, it seems like it matches your situation perfectly, and the guy was able to overcome his fears really simply)

    cmsamo on
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    supabeastsupabeast Registered User regular
    edited June 2008
    Dalboz wrote: »
    …and play WoW, which I know is a detriment to the social life regardless of the person or situation.

    Stop wasting your time on pointless grinding games and get out of the house. Delete all your toons, then create and delete some level 1 toons so you can’t get anything restored without days on the phone. Go out and get some sun. Join a gym, take a class, join book clubs, volunteer with your local professional association, etc.

    supabeast on
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