Thank God I switched to camo? Can you let the game run until night falls before you send the mercs into Omerta? I'm not even optimistic on our ability to take the first sector.
I can stick you back on Camo if you want. Unfortunately, we can't delay the time we attack Omerta (it's always like 7 fucking am) but Drassen will definetly be a night attack.
Thank God I switched to camo? Can you let the game run until night falls before you send the mercs into Omerta? I'm not even optimistic on our ability to take the first sector.
I can stick you back on Camo if you want. Unfortunately, we can't delay the time we attack Omerta (it's always like 7 fucking am) but Drassen will definetly be a night attack.
Eh, camo doesn't really go well with my persona. Keep hand-to-hand/martial arts, just order me obscene amounts of camo from Bobby Ray's if I somehow accidentally survive.
That's just how committed I am to the "role playing" in "tactical RPG."
[*]I dunno how I'm going to play the asshole personality. I'll have to RP some shit by myself. Also a nominee for early death.
Arrath :x "Who sliced up all my gear?"
Roberto 8-) "Um, it was Roshin!"
Roshin O_o "What?!"
And I've come up with a bio:
Roberto was formally trained as a gourmet chef, and once owned a successful restaurant. However, he was involved in a bitter divorce and when the restaurant was awarded to his ex-wife in the settlement, he set fire to it and fled his home country. He eventually took up work as a mercenary, primarily relying on his knife skills trained in the kitchen. He also has a decent throwing arm, trained up from years of hurling poorly-prepared salmon puffs across the dining room. He's extremely arrogant about his own abilities, has no patience for people who don't live up to his expectations, and is just a bit of a food snob. Overall, a serious asshole to everyone around him.
Name: Steel
Gender: Male
Specialization 1: Sniper
Specialization 2: Night ops
Skills: Good agility and wisdom, strength can take a hit. And decent medical skill. Obviously good marksmanship too.
Personality: You know the stereotypical TV/video game surgeon? The one who swears he'll save the patient even when all that's left is a pancreas and spleen surrounded by what resembles ground beef, then slams something while yelling "Don't die on me!" when the patient starts to flatline? Combine that with being a really good shot with a rifle. Upon a squad member dying, Steel should go into the "No! Not again! Dammit, not again!!!" routine and then pick off as many enemies as he can while crying and swearing.
Please make me a custom character with this description. Thanks!
Name: Shadow
Gender: Male
Specialization 1: Night Ops
Specialization 2: Stealth
Skills: Everything
Personality: Ex special forces guy, wears camouflage paint on his face at all times; when addressed, does not respond with a query, but merely a statement of fact that he was summoned; has the least annoying voice out of any mercenary, but goes incommunicado frequently; can pretty much win the game by himself
[*]I dunno how I'm going to play the asshole personality. I'll have to RP some shit by myself. Also a nominee for early death.
Arrath :x "Who sliced up all my gear?"
Roberto 8-) "Um, it was Roshin!"
Roshin O_o "What?!"
And I've come up with a bio:
Roberto was formally trained as a gourmet chef, and once owned a successful restaurant. However, he was involved in a bitter divorce and when the restaurant was awarded to his ex-wife in the settlement, he set fire to it and fled his home country. He eventually took up work as a mercenary, primarily relying on his knife skills trained in the kitchen. He also has a decent throwing arm, trained up from years of hurling poorly-prepared salmon puffs across the dining room. He's extremely arrogant about his own abilities, has no patience for people who don't live up to his expectations, and is just a bit of a food snob. Overall, a serious asshole to everyone around him.
Oh sure, pick on me. Not my fault you were downrange when I fired 46 rounds at that guy! How'd I know you were about to shank him?!
[*]I dunno how I'm going to play the asshole personality. I'll have to RP some shit by myself. Also a nominee for early death.
Arrath :x "Who sliced up all my gear?"
Roberto 8-) "Um, it was Roshin!"
Roshin O_o "What?!"
And I've come up with a bio:
Roberto was formally trained as a gourmet chef, and once owned a successful restaurant. However, he was involved in a bitter divorce and when the restaurant was awarded to his ex-wife in the settlement, he set fire to it and fled his home country. He eventually took up work as a mercenary, primarily relying on his knife skills trained in the kitchen. He also has a decent throwing arm, trained up from years of hurling poorly-prepared salmon puffs across the dining room. He's extremely arrogant about his own abilities, has no patience for people who don't live up to his expectations, and is just a bit of a food snob. Overall, a serious asshole to everyone around him.
Oh sure, pick on me. Not my fault you were downrange when I fired 46 rounds at that guy! How'd I know you were about to shank him?!
Jesus, you'd think that getting paid would be enough to keep you lowlifes cooperating for at least five minutes. All I ask is that you don't step in places I told you not to step, as I'm pretty sure you're all keen on remaining bipedal and, you know, alive.
[*]I dunno how I'm going to play the asshole personality. I'll have to RP some shit by myself. Also a nominee for early death.
Arrath :x "Who sliced up all my gear?"
Roberto 8-) "Um, it was Roshin!"
Roshin O_o "What?!"
And I've come up with a bio:
Roberto was formally trained as a gourmet chef, and once owned a successful restaurant. However, he was involved in a bitter divorce and when the restaurant was awarded to his ex-wife in the settlement, he set fire to it and fled his home country. He eventually took up work as a mercenary, primarily relying on his knife skills trained in the kitchen. He also has a decent throwing arm, trained up from years of hurling poorly-prepared salmon puffs across the dining room. He's extremely arrogant about his own abilities, has no patience for people who don't live up to his expectations, and is just a bit of a food snob. Overall, a serious asshole to everyone around him.
Oh sure, pick on me. Not my fault you were downrange when I fired 46 rounds at that guy! How'd I know you were about to shank him?!
Jesus, you'd think that getting paid would be enough to keep you lowlifes cooperating for at least five minutes. All I ask is that you don't step in places I told you not to step, as I'm pretty sure you're all keen on remaining bipedal and, you know, alive.
I'LL MAKE SURE THE PLACE YOU TOLD ME NOT TO GO IS SAFE!
MechMantis on
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RoshinMy backlog can be seen from spaceSwedenRegistered Userregular
Personality: Still pretty new to this whole "killing people for money" thing, but exuberant about the chance to be doing it. Tends to shout "Woohoo!" and look around for teammates to give him high-fives after getting headshots. Pretty decent with a sniper rifle, but lacks subtlety and his approach to stealth can best be expressed by the sentiment "Nobody can see me when I'm standing behind this huge light source, because nobody would expect me to be hiding in such an obvious position." Probably doesn't handle pain very well, but has been lucky enough to not be seriously injured yet. Thinks taping a scope to a rocket launcher automatically makes it more accurate and suited for sniping.
Bursar on
GNU Terry Pratchett
PSN: Wstfgl | GamerTag: An Evil Plan | Battle.net: FallenIdle#1970
Hit me up on BoardGameArena! User: Loaded D1
Arrath :x "Who sliced up all my gear?"
Roberto 8-) "Um, it was Roshin!"
Roshin O_o "What?!"
Hey, I thought I saw a pretty dress in there, but it wasn't so I got a little pissed.
Yeah, a dress sewn entierly from ammo belts. Its beautiful. *teary eyes*
I've gotta say though, using landmines to pad the brassiere? Genius. Now we just have to find a way for you to get close to our targets with the detonator intact.
Hey, I thought I saw a pretty dress in there, but it wasn't so I got a little pissed.
Yeah, a dress sewn entirely from ammo belts. Its beautiful. *teary eyes*
Ammo? Ammo is for pussies. Knives are where it is at. Knives will never run out of stabbiness. Knives will never hurt you. Knives will never leave you for the tennis pro, and take everything you love just to spite you.
Ammo? Ammo is for pussies. Knives are where it is at. Knives will never run out of stabbiness. Knives will never hurt you. Knives will never leave you for the tennis pro, and take everything you love just to spite you.
While you're doing all that sneaking to get into knife range, do you mind carrying this, uh, fuck, what's a good excuse, medical bag? Don't mind how heavy it is, or the cables jutting out the side. They're sutures.
Arrath :x "Who sliced up all my gear?"
Roberto 8-) "Um, it was Roshin!"
Roshin O_o "What?!"
Hey, I thought I saw a pretty dress in there, but it wasn't so I got a little pissed.
Yeah, a dress sewn entierly from ammo belts. Its beautiful. *teary eyes*
I've gotta say though, using landmines to pad the brassiere? Genius. Now we just have to find a way for you to get close to our targets with the detonator intact.
Woooooaaah now, I'm not gonna wear that. Those ammo belts are empty, they're useless to me!
Arrath :x "Who sliced up all my gear?"
Roberto 8-) "Um, it was Roshin!"
Roshin O_o "What?!"
Hey, I thought I saw a pretty dress in there, but it wasn't so I got a little pissed.
Yeah, a dress sewn entierly from ammo belts. Its beautiful. *teary eyes*
I've gotta say though, using landmines to pad the brassiere? Genius. Now we just have to find a way for you to get close to our targets with the detonator intact.
Woooooaaah now, I'm not gonna wear that. Those ammo belts are empty, they're useless to me!
But I spent ages working on the brassiere! The shrapnel, fuck, I mean sequins took ages to weld, fuck I'm doing it again, stitch in! You'll look beautiful!
So some guy is gonna pay me a ton of money to goto some island and
whack some bitch. I'd give you more details, but thats pretty much it.
So with my mission of "Kick bitch in box" firmly in my mind, I go on
to recruit a crack team hard bitten killers... or at least this bunch.
SammyF:
He was kinda weird on the phone. Kept babbling about how hes the
greatest martial artist since Chuck Norris died in that freak accident
involving a sack of flour and seventeen hookers. Also, asked me what I
was wearing. (A lovely frock with floral patterns and lace around the
sleeves. What? I work from home!)
Roberto
I was going to call this guy Edward Scissor hands, but when Roberto
threatened to reroute my intestines so that I'd shit out my mouth, I
thought the better of it.
Roshin
Thanks to the Mercenary labor agreement of 2001, if I hire trans
gendered mercenaries I get a tax break! Hence the chick with a dick.
Or a guy who's no longer a dude when nude. Or.... ah you get it.
SammyF was already hitting on her/him.
MechMantis
This guy is my wife's third cousins' father's uncle's neighbor. Well
ok not really. But he's so dumb that if you ask Mantis if its true, he
gets a headache and has to lie down for a while. I think he might cry
a little too. Fun times! It's win win!
Cristine
Bill Crosby was supposed to be here, but I could just not bring myself
to make Bill a chick... apparently Arrath is easier to feminize, I
dunno. So Christine is the replacement, only 2 problems: Christine is
too long a nick so it's now Cristine (sounds like some sort of crisco
product) and I accidentally gave you the same portrait as Arrath.
Ooops.
Now that I've assembled my crack team of idiots, its on to Omerta!
Landfall! Man, what a shitty fucking country. Is this supposed to be
Cuba? Did I seriously fly for god knows how many hours to come save
this piece of shit island?
WTF and now their shooting at me! I'd shoot someone but I cant see
anyone so everyone has to run around to hide. I'll have retard boy
(Mantis, for those of you at home) lie down and get ready to shoot
someone in the balls
And here he comes. It's like I planned that or something.
Despite being out of standard weapon range, that lovable scamp Mantis
took him down. Our first kill!
Its time to get a better idea of whats going on. Lets get Cristine
(our sniper) up to an elevated position. Except I cant for some
reason. OH right, in 1.13 you cannot climb with backpacks (realism =
inconvenience). The reason this deserves its own screenshot is cause
look at all the crap shes carrying. WTF, is she a traveling Army and
Navy?
So shit hit the fan. Not only did Roberto get shot a couple times, but
I forgot to press the print screen button and take a SS. No matter,
you can see the end result here. I was gonna knife him but I figured
why risk it, and Roberto shot the dude in the head. Go Roberto! Also,
note that I know have more friends encroaching my position. Good thing
my snipers in position!
And so she goes to work. Despite being out of weapon range, she still
snags the kill! God, violence makes me so hot.
A couple of turns have gone by, and shit is getting tight. Theres some
tool directly south west of Roshin shooting at SammyF, and another
dude farther south west in the other building's doorway. The plan is
to have have one of my gun ladies; Arrath (remember, you have ovaries
now) or Cristine (you always have ovaries? Maybe?) shoot the far away
guy so Roshin can get her stab on.
Cristine, I love you. Arrath nearly blew Roshin's head off a couple of
times, but Cristine gets the job done. You know what that means!
STABBY STABBY
Ahhh, sweet release. Not only does Roshin get to get her hands dirty
with some dude's bodily fluid, but she gets items! THIS ISLAND ROCKS.
Here's the last guy... I think. Mantis knocks her in the head so she
drops her gun, but shes not dead yet and Im out of AP... shit.
SO SHE RUNS OVER AND PUNCHES ME. Roberto doesn't like getting smacked.
STABBY STABBY
YAY! Sector Clear. And no Roberto, we're not going to notify their
next of kin. We're that hardcore
Checking out the loot we found, not a lot and not very impressive.
Theres some shitty MP5 knockoff for one of the knifers, but wait!
OHMYGOD SAMMY HAS NUNCHAKUS. Colour me EXCITED
Sammy making friends with the locals.
Sammy, you pervert, get away from that child.
Seriously, you're scaring me too.
The kid now does what every child should do when encountering a PA
forum member: RUN THE FUCK AWAY
To touch small chil- I mean, to liberate this wonderful country.
Nope! Saw him last week. I'm sure as shit not here on my own accord.
Now get moving you heffer, and take me to your male superiors.
In the next zone, Sammy has managed to trap poor Pacos in an abandoned
building, mumbling something about "Paco's Taco"
This is why we're not allowed children in video games. Some sick fuck
(usually me pretending to be someone else so God can't see) kills the
kids. I did it in Fallout, and now Sammy, his lust for Taco quenched,
is removing any witnesses.
Oddly enough, Paco's Mom seems nonplussed and continues to lead a
group of strangers to the super secret hideout. I guess Paco was
holding her back?
You're guarding a basement you fuck, I am seriously not worried about
you. Anyways this is the Batcave, the home of the rebels. Kinda
shitty. Also, kinda cramped. Reminds me of summer camp, only with less
pot and a tranny.
Leader of the Rebels, aka Ricky Martin. Sure, he doesn't really look
like Ricky Martin, but Ricky Martin is the only
spanish/cuban/latino/whatever name I can think of.
SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU BITCH. If anyone's ever played JA2 before, they
know that Ira here, in addition to being completly fucking useless,
also possess the single most annoying voice I have EVER encountered in
a video game. Seriously, the urge to shoot you in the face right now
is overwhelming.
See? Even Ricky can't stomach you! NEXT TIME I WANT YOU TO SAY
SOMETHING I WILL WRITE IT ON THE DUCT TAPE I HAVE OVER YOUR MOUTH YOU
2 BIT WHORE. (I really hate Ira)
Ok, onto Drassen, to find some drunk preacher. Ah, drunk holy men, you
are such a novel concept.
Wow, he even likes little boys! Sir-Tech is really thinking outside
the box for this one.
So I recruit Ira. I may need her as a Miltia monkey for later on...
and if not, Crach can always use her as a explosives monkey.
Thats it for now! I had more, but quite frankly I think this episode
got a little too big.
If you could give me some constructive criticism (too many images, too
much text, we want thought balloons, you're not funny at all, please
die, etc) I'll pop out the second one over the weekend.
NEXT EPISODE: THE ROAD TO DRASSEN IS PAVED WITH DEAD BODIES
You better believe that Ira's going to be helpful to me. Good strong legs on that one, perfect for a suicide charge, fuck, I mean dancing.
Alternatively SammyF gives her extra orifices (Which I'm sure he'll put to good use...) and I'll make one of you chucklefucks carry the demolition vest, shit, I mean body armour.
Why the Hell did you come to this island Carch? Oh, right, the outstanding death sentences.
That was a fantastic first episode, and I'm really looking forwards to the next one. That poor stupid woman tried to use her fists on an armed mercenary. Survival of the fittest indeed.
Carcharodontosaurus on
0
NocrenLt Futz, Back in ActionNorth CarolinaRegistered Userregular
edited June 2008
I love how mine was done similar to the old Solider of Fortune TV show and this one is just....
way the fuck out there.
I really hope you can find a work around. IIRC even if a custom merc dies, you still can't recruit a new one if you've already made 6 (3 male, 3 female)
I know some of the 1.13 guys are working on an increased custom merc limit, maybe you can talk one of them into handing you a beta exe for the LP.
Awesome work! And shit, I guess I will have to wear that dress. If anyone shoots me in the chest I will be so pissed, 'dem land mines aren't the best armor.
Arrath nearly blew Roshin's head off a couple of times, but Cristine gets the job done.
It was the muzzle flashes I swear, after the first few I couldn't tell whos head belonged to who.
EPISODE 1.5: The Road to Drassen
This is just a little mini update to get some stuff outta the way in preparation for the Drassen ones.
When we last left our intrepid heroes, they had met with the local chapter of Aruco Book club and has laid plans to capture the nearby airport to secure shipments of Oprah's latest Book Club pick. Or something like that. Either way, people are going to die. Maybe even Oprah! (don't get your hopes up)
Before we can leave however...
WE MUST OBTAIN THE WIRE CUTTERS OF POWER.
Seriously, anyone who's played this knows: You need wire cutters and a crowbar. Everything else is pretty much optional. Throw in some Duct Tape and WD40 and you're fucking Red Green. Anyways...
GASP! MEANWHILE?!?! STORY TIME!!!
This is Diedranna. I dunno if she's a Queen, a Princess, or just Hilary Fucking Clinton with a wig, but either way you cut it, shes a bitch, and shes gonna get stabbed.
This is Elliot. He may be a little bitch, but he's Deidranna's bitch. He gets beat up a lot by Ranny. Him and Ira would make a lovely couple.
Speaking of which, I've stashed her underground in the rebel hideout. Up in the real world, she'd just get in the way. And possibly killed. Not that we have a problem with Ira dying, its just that I want to be responsible for it.
In this pic we get to see Ricky tell Ira to shove off. I so don't blame him.
This mother still hasn't realized that little Paco has had his balls touched for the last time. She must be a Spears Mother.
Uh oh, enemy presence! TO ARMS!
I love sneaking through tall grass. I dunno. Anyways, my sneaking has paid off: 2 motherfuckers to kill. Plus look how fucking hidden Cristine is. Shes a goddamn ninja.
Fuck more enemies. I dunno if we're gonna be able to stab someone this round.
K, so more and more enemies are showing up. Sneaking through the grass may have been a mistake, on account of the fact that I have no fucking cover.
Seriously, theres tons of enemies. Man, I would fucking kill for a grenade or something.
Roshin was trying to sneak around the back. Unfortunately, she got caught by some foul mouthed punk, who in addition to shooting her, is saying hurtful things and making her feel really bad.
Arrath however has had better luck flanking, and has cleaned out the garage with the help of SammyF and Cristine. The others don't seem to be faring too well however. Roshin is nearly dead and under fire. Even Cristine, my lovely sniper, is getting shot the fuck up.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
HANG ON! I'M A COMMIN GIRL!!!!!!
At this point, I've got 2 options. Try to run for Roshin and give her some first aid, or kill off all the enemies. I choose option C: A little bit of both.
Oh man, so close. One guy left, come on, kill him!
But to no avail. Roshin dies at 11:54 Day 1, killed by some hateful douchebag. Arrath, now close enough, pumps a few rounds in to the jerk's body.
Posts
Because it has a special meaning between us! Don't worry, you may not get it anyways.
I can stick you back on Camo if you want. Unfortunately, we can't delay the time we attack Omerta (it's always like 7 fucking am) but Drassen will definetly be a night attack.
Eh, camo doesn't really go well with my persona. Keep hand-to-hand/martial arts, just order me obscene amounts of camo from Bobby Ray's if I somehow accidentally survive.
That's just how committed I am to the "role playing" in "tactical RPG."
Arrath :x "Who sliced up all my gear?"
Roberto 8-) "Um, it was Roshin!"
Roshin O_o "What?!"
And I've come up with a bio:
Roberto was formally trained as a gourmet chef, and once owned a successful restaurant. However, he was involved in a bitter divorce and when the restaurant was awarded to his ex-wife in the settlement, he set fire to it and fled his home country. He eventually took up work as a mercenary, primarily relying on his knife skills trained in the kitchen. He also has a decent throwing arm, trained up from years of hurling poorly-prepared salmon puffs across the dining room. He's extremely arrogant about his own abilities, has no patience for people who don't live up to his expectations, and is just a bit of a food snob. Overall, a serious asshole to everyone around him.
Name: Steel
Gender: Male
Specialization 1: Sniper
Specialization 2: Night ops
Skills: Good agility and wisdom, strength can take a hit. And decent medical skill. Obviously good marksmanship too.
Personality: You know the stereotypical TV/video game surgeon? The one who swears he'll save the patient even when all that's left is a pancreas and spleen surrounded by what resembles ground beef, then slams something while yelling "Don't die on me!" when the patient starts to flatline? Combine that with being a really good shot with a rifle. Upon a squad member dying, Steel should go into the "No! Not again! Dammit, not again!!!" routine and then pick off as many enemies as he can while crying and swearing.
Steam Profile
3DS: 3454-0268-5595 Battle.net: SteelAngel#1772
Name: Shadow
Gender: Male
Specialization 1: Night Ops
Specialization 2: Stealth
Skills: Everything
Personality: Ex special forces guy, wears camouflage paint on his face at all times; when addressed, does not respond with a query, but merely a statement of fact that he was summoned; has the least annoying voice out of any mercenary, but goes incommunicado frequently; can pretty much win the game by himself
Oh sure, pick on me. Not my fault you were downrange when I fired 46 rounds at that guy! How'd I know you were about to shank him?!
Jesus, you'd think that getting paid would be enough to keep you lowlifes cooperating for at least five minutes. All I ask is that you don't step in places I told you not to step, as I'm pretty sure you're all keen on remaining bipedal and, you know, alive.
I'LL MAKE SURE THE PLACE YOU TOLD ME NOT TO GO IS SAFE!
Hey, I thought I saw a pretty dress in there, but it wasn't my size, so I got a little pissed.
Silpheed
Skill 1: Sniper (Hell, the further I am from the badguys, the better)
Skill 2: Stealth (Gotta get into a good position before liberating the opposition from their life)
Personality: Sarcastic asshole should fit me pretty nicely.
Bursar
Skills: Electronics, sniping
Personality: Still pretty new to this whole "killing people for money" thing, but exuberant about the chance to be doing it. Tends to shout "Woohoo!" and look around for teammates to give him high-fives after getting headshots. Pretty decent with a sniper rifle, but lacks subtlety and his approach to stealth can best be expressed by the sentiment "Nobody can see me when I'm standing behind this huge light source, because nobody would expect me to be hiding in such an obvious position." Probably doesn't handle pain very well, but has been lucky enough to not be seriously injured yet. Thinks taping a scope to a rocket launcher automatically makes it more accurate and suited for sniping.
PSN: Wstfgl | GamerTag: An Evil Plan | Battle.net: FallenIdle#1970
Hit me up on BoardGameArena! User: Loaded D1
Yeah, a dress sewn entierly from ammo belts. Its beautiful. *teary eyes*
I've gotta say though, using landmines to pad the brassiere? Genius. Now we just have to find a way for you to get close to our targets with the detonator intact.
Ammo? Ammo is for pussies. Knives are where it is at. Knives will never run out of stabbiness. Knives will never hurt you. Knives will never leave you for the tennis pro, and take everything you love just to spite you.
While you're doing all that sneaking to get into knife range, do you mind carrying this, uh, fuck, what's a good excuse, medical bag? Don't mind how heavy it is, or the cables jutting out the side. They're sutures.
Or Carch. Recruit Carch as well; he's both a medic and a grenadier! And he's a passive aggressive asshole! Triple threat all up ins!
Woooooaaah now, I'm not gonna wear that. Those ammo belts are empty, they're useless to me!
But I spent ages working on the brassiere! The shrapnel, fuck, I mean sequins took ages to weld, fuck I'm doing it again, stitch in! You'll look beautiful!
Why are you so lazy?
You don't work at work and you don't work at home.
whack some bitch. I'd give you more details, but thats pretty much it.
So with my mission of "Kick bitch in box" firmly in my mind, I go on
to recruit a crack team hard bitten killers... or at least this bunch.
SammyF:
He was kinda weird on the phone. Kept babbling about how hes the
greatest martial artist since Chuck Norris died in that freak accident
involving a sack of flour and seventeen hookers. Also, asked me what I
was wearing. (A lovely frock with floral patterns and lace around the
sleeves. What? I work from home!)
Roberto
I was going to call this guy Edward Scissor hands, but when Roberto
threatened to reroute my intestines so that I'd shit out my mouth, I
thought the better of it.
Roshin
Thanks to the Mercenary labor agreement of 2001, if I hire trans
gendered mercenaries I get a tax break! Hence the chick with a dick.
Or a guy who's no longer a dude when nude. Or.... ah you get it.
SammyF was already hitting on her/him.
MechMantis
This guy is my wife's third cousins' father's uncle's neighbor. Well
ok not really. But he's so dumb that if you ask Mantis if its true, he
gets a headache and has to lie down for a while. I think he might cry
a little too. Fun times! It's win win!
Arrath
So.... yeah. Arrath, you're a chick. Congratulations. You're kinda hot?
Cristine
Bill Crosby was supposed to be here, but I could just not bring myself
to make Bill a chick... apparently Arrath is easier to feminize, I
dunno. So Christine is the replacement, only 2 problems: Christine is
too long a nick so it's now Cristine (sounds like some sort of crisco
product) and I accidentally gave you the same portrait as Arrath.
Ooops.
Now that I've assembled my crack team of idiots, its on to Omerta!
Landfall! Man, what a shitty fucking country. Is this supposed to be
Cuba? Did I seriously fly for god knows how many hours to come save
this piece of shit island?
WTF and now their shooting at me! I'd shoot someone but I cant see
anyone so everyone has to run around to hide. I'll have retard boy
(Mantis, for those of you at home) lie down and get ready to shoot
someone in the balls
And here he comes. It's like I planned that or something.
Despite being out of standard weapon range, that lovable scamp Mantis
took him down. Our first kill!
Its time to get a better idea of whats going on. Lets get Cristine
(our sniper) up to an elevated position. Except I cant for some
reason. OH right, in 1.13 you cannot climb with backpacks (realism =
inconvenience). The reason this deserves its own screenshot is cause
look at all the crap shes carrying. WTF, is she a traveling Army and
Navy?
So shit hit the fan. Not only did Roberto get shot a couple times, but
I forgot to press the print screen button and take a SS. No matter,
you can see the end result here. I was gonna knife him but I figured
why risk it, and Roberto shot the dude in the head. Go Roberto! Also,
note that I know have more friends encroaching my position. Good thing
my snipers in position!
And so she goes to work. Despite being out of weapon range, she still
snags the kill! God, violence makes me so hot.
A couple of turns have gone by, and shit is getting tight. Theres some
tool directly south west of Roshin shooting at SammyF, and another
dude farther south west in the other building's doorway. The plan is
to have have one of my gun ladies; Arrath (remember, you have ovaries
now) or Cristine (you always have ovaries? Maybe?) shoot the far away
guy so Roshin can get her stab on.
Cristine, I love you. Arrath nearly blew Roshin's head off a couple of
times, but Cristine gets the job done. You know what that means!
STABBY STABBY
Ahhh, sweet release. Not only does Roshin get to get her hands dirty
with some dude's bodily fluid, but she gets items! THIS ISLAND ROCKS.
Here's the last guy... I think. Mantis knocks her in the head so she
drops her gun, but shes not dead yet and Im out of AP... shit.
SO SHE RUNS OVER AND PUNCHES ME. Roberto doesn't like getting smacked.
STABBY STABBY
YAY! Sector Clear. And no Roberto, we're not going to notify their
next of kin. We're that hardcore
Checking out the loot we found, not a lot and not very impressive.
Theres some shitty MP5 knockoff for one of the knifers, but wait!
OHMYGOD SAMMY HAS NUNCHAKUS. Colour me EXCITED
Sammy making friends with the locals.
Sammy, you pervert, get away from that child.
Seriously, you're scaring me too.
The kid now does what every child should do when encountering a PA
forum member: RUN THE FUCK AWAY
To touch small chil- I mean, to liberate this wonderful country.
Nope! Saw him last week. I'm sure as shit not here on my own accord.
Now get moving you heffer, and take me to your male superiors.
In the next zone, Sammy has managed to trap poor Pacos in an abandoned
building, mumbling something about "Paco's Taco"
This is why we're not allowed children in video games. Some sick fuck
(usually me pretending to be someone else so God can't see) kills the
kids. I did it in Fallout, and now Sammy, his lust for Taco quenched,
is removing any witnesses.
Oddly enough, Paco's Mom seems nonplussed and continues to lead a
group of strangers to the super secret hideout. I guess Paco was
holding her back?
You're guarding a basement you fuck, I am seriously not worried about
you. Anyways this is the Batcave, the home of the rebels. Kinda
shitty. Also, kinda cramped. Reminds me of summer camp, only with less
pot and a tranny.
Leader of the Rebels, aka Ricky Martin. Sure, he doesn't really look
like Ricky Martin, but Ricky Martin is the only
spanish/cuban/latino/whatever name I can think of.
SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU BITCH. If anyone's ever played JA2 before, they
know that Ira here, in addition to being completly fucking useless,
also possess the single most annoying voice I have EVER encountered in
a video game. Seriously, the urge to shoot you in the face right now
is overwhelming.
See? Even Ricky can't stomach you! NEXT TIME I WANT YOU TO SAY
SOMETHING I WILL WRITE IT ON THE DUCT TAPE I HAVE OVER YOUR MOUTH YOU
2 BIT WHORE. (I really hate Ira)
Ok, onto Drassen, to find some drunk preacher. Ah, drunk holy men, you
are such a novel concept.
Wow, he even likes little boys! Sir-Tech is really thinking outside
the box for this one.
So I recruit Ira. I may need her as a Miltia monkey for later on...
and if not, Crach can always use her as a explosives monkey.
Thats it for now! I had more, but quite frankly I think this episode
got a little too big.
If you could give me some constructive criticism (too many images, too
much text, we want thought balloons, you're not funny at all, please
die, etc) I'll pop out the second one over the weekend.
NEXT EPISODE: THE ROAD TO DRASSEN IS PAVED WITH DEAD BODIES
I AM CREDIT TO TEAM!
Okay. Here's what we should do*:
1. Take Ira to Drassen. Get her to talk to Father Walker about feeding the people in Omerta.
2. Ira and SammyF will take a brief walk out "on patrol" to a remote location.
3. I, SammyF will kill Ira with my nunchakus, thus freeing up another slot for a new PA forum-member.
4. SammyF will collect Ira's head and skull-fuck it during quiet time at our base of operations in Drassen's airport.
"Flippin' A," indeed, bitch.
Im looking into save game editors to change the mercs as a possible work around.
And yes, you need a Machete oh so badly.
let's go kick some ass, folks
Alternatively SammyF gives her extra orifices (Which I'm sure he'll put to good use...) and I'll make one of you chucklefucks carry the demolition vest, shit, I mean body armour.
Why the Hell did you come to this island Carch? Oh, right, the outstanding death sentences.
That was a fantastic first episode, and I'm really looking forwards to the next one. That poor stupid woman tried to use her fists on an armed mercenary. Survival of the fittest indeed.
way the fuck out there.
I really hope you can find a work around. IIRC even if a custom merc dies, you still can't recruit a new one if you've already made 6 (3 male, 3 female)
Awesome work! And shit, I guess I will have to wear that dress. If anyone shoots me in the chest I will be so pissed, 'dem land mines aren't the best armor.
It was the muzzle flashes I swear, after the first few I couldn't tell whos head belonged to who.
We should notify their next of kin that they're in jail, and the next of kin needs to send bail money. That's truly hardcore. :evil:
Goddammit, mind the hair, mate!
Anyway, very nice first mission poast. I got to kill someone and I survived. Yay.
Big deal. I got to kill a child.
Let me have the cadaver when you're, um, through with it. I have some things I want to try out.
Surgery techniques and stuff. Nothing weird. But I don't want to be disturbed and I'm locking the doors. :whistle:
This is just a little mini update to get some stuff outta the way in preparation for the Drassen ones.
Before we can leave however...
WE MUST OBTAIN THE WIRE CUTTERS OF POWER.
Seriously, anyone who's played this knows: You need wire cutters and a crowbar. Everything else is pretty much optional. Throw in some Duct Tape and WD40 and you're fucking Red Green. Anyways...
GASP! MEANWHILE?!?! STORY TIME!!!
This is Diedranna. I dunno if she's a Queen, a Princess, or just Hilary Fucking Clinton with a wig, but either way you cut it, shes a bitch, and shes gonna get stabbed.
This is Elliot. He may be a little bitch, but he's Deidranna's bitch. He gets beat up a lot by Ranny. Him and Ira would make a lovely couple.
Speaking of which, I've stashed her underground in the rebel hideout. Up in the real world, she'd just get in the way. And possibly killed. Not that we have a problem with Ira dying, its just that I want to be responsible for it.
In this pic we get to see Ricky tell Ira to shove off. I so don't blame him.
This mother still hasn't realized that little Paco has had his balls touched for the last time. She must be a Spears Mother.
Uh oh, enemy presence! TO ARMS!
I love sneaking through tall grass. I dunno. Anyways, my sneaking has paid off: 2 motherfuckers to kill. Plus look how fucking hidden Cristine is. Shes a goddamn ninja.
Fuck more enemies. I dunno if we're gonna be able to stab someone this round.
K, so more and more enemies are showing up. Sneaking through the grass may have been a mistake, on account of the fact that I have no fucking cover.
Seriously, theres tons of enemies. Man, I would fucking kill for a grenade or something.
Roshin was trying to sneak around the back. Unfortunately, she got caught by some foul mouthed punk, who in addition to shooting her, is saying hurtful things and making her feel really bad.
Arrath however has had better luck flanking, and has cleaned out the garage with the help of SammyF and Cristine. The others don't seem to be faring too well however. Roshin is nearly dead and under fire. Even Cristine, my lovely sniper, is getting shot the fuck up.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
HANG ON! I'M A COMMIN GIRL!!!!!!
At this point, I've got 2 options. Try to run for Roshin and give her some first aid, or kill off all the enemies. I choose option C: A little bit of both.
Oh man, so close. One guy left, come on, kill him!
But to no avail. Roshin dies at 11:54 Day 1, killed by some hateful douchebag. Arrath, now close enough, pumps a few rounds in to the jerk's body.
A sad day indeed.
NEXT EPISODE: WHAT WOULD MICHEAL BAY DO?
My computer is currently in a million little itty bitty pieces around my apartment floor. Good thing JA2 runs on my laptop!