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The Paranoid and the (Un?)Faithful
JLM-AWP
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Wall of text, my apologies.
My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other now for nearly 2 years. She's 26, about to turn 27, and I just turned 25. She's a pre-K teacher and I'm a network engineer for an IT consulting company. We've been very close ever since we started dating, and I practically live at her place, but have a place of my own. Bottom line, we've been inseparable for the vast majority of our relationship. We've had our bumps here and there like everyone else, but we've hit one lately that I'm worry will derail us beyond repair. I'm hoping I can get some insight from you guys.
It started when she found out her favorite student's dad was a guy I went to high school with. OK guy, was in Iraq, has 2 kids on two separate sides of the country...not the kind of guy I would necessarily trust 100% though. After she found this out, they hung out occasionally by coincidence or through mutual friends, usually when I was doing something with my buddies or working late, etc....no biggie.
Then, about a month ago (when school let out), the two of them have been communicating more via texts, calls, etc. One day, on my way home from work around 10:30, she called me before I got home to let me know that he was over, so I knew what to expect when I got there. We had a fun time hanging out for a bit, then he went home. Two days later, my girlfriend let me know over the phone (while I was at work, and only after being asked by me), that the two would be hanging out again that day, at her place. Now, I'm not the jealous type, so I let it slide off. The next day, I was a little bitter about it, and she figured out why, and a little fight ensued. After she got pretty defensive about it, my suspicion started to pique. She accused me of not trusting her (which was partly true, i guess), and was not happy with me for a few days.
Since then, they have been texting each other nonstop. In one night, she tried to hide the fact that she had been talking with him....deleting texts (one of which he had called her "buttercup", more specifically " "what's up, buttercup?" (grr), jumping when I unexpectedly came around the corner and throwing her phone behind her back. Just a bunch of secretive, shady things. She'd tell me some bull about how he sent her gibberish because he's drunk at a bar, and she can't figure out what it says, so she deleted the message. I have a very gifted ability to ride out a lie until the person cracks from backpedaling/inconsistencies, but she opted to avoid talking about it at all. She reassured me that she loved me and only me, and wouldn't risk our relationship for "a guy she knows through work".
A couple days later, I brought up the topic again, as it was making me a bit uncomfortable. I think what bothered me most is that she didn't CARE that I was uncomfortable, and got very defensive of her position again. I tried explaining that if our roles were reversed, and I was hanging out with some girl at my place, alone, on a consistent basis, that she would be going out of her mind with anger. She disagreed and told me that it's no big deal, he's just a friend, then said I didn't trust her (again). The fight escalated something fierce, ending with her in tears, and me just generally worried about our future together.
Her being a teacher is important to the situation. She's constantly bored and looking for something to do or someone to do things with during the summer, since she has no work. When I get home, I'm beat, and I like to relax for a while...but her energy level is maxed out by then, and she gets frustrated with me - often leading to her saying we "never do anything anymore." This is far from the truth. Our weekends are packed with activities with our families, friends, and time to ourselves. We try to go out at least once a week and have a sit-down dinner at a nice restaurant, which we both feel is sufficient considering our busy schedules during the school year. My worry now is that I'm not enough to keep her entertained, and she's looking elsewhere for fun and companionship.
Since the fight, things have gone back to normal, but the talking between the two has continued. As I said before, I'm really not the jealous type, but my gut just FEELS this going somewhere bad, and I can't help be be a little alarmed by the situation. I don't think I'm looking for anyone to tell me whether or not she's cheating on me, or planning on it in the future, but I would like to know how I can manage my curiosity and suspicion. I believe that she loves me and not him, but really, what's stopping her from messing around behind my back? I am trying my best to be trusting, and to let her have guy friends that aren't me. I can respect a good friend, but having that friend over at 10:30 or 11 at night on a consistent basis makes me weary as hell. Her lack of consideration for how I feel about it only adds to the suspicion. I know I'm on a dangerous, spiraling road of mistrust that could potentially destroy our relationship. I mean, if I can't trust her, it doesn't really matter what she does behind my back, since we would be doomed anyway.
On the plus side, we've spent the last several days together, with no talk OF him, and it's been pretty much back to normal. Had a great time at a Cubs game, cuddling on the couch, calling and texting sweet nothings while I'm at work. But it's just....there...in the back of my mind. Anyone have any advice as to how I can stop thinking about this?
My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other now for nearly 2 years. She's 26, about to turn 27, and I just turned 25. She's a pre-K teacher and I'm a network engineer for an IT consulting company. We've been very close ever since we started dating, and I practically live at her place, but have a place of my own. Bottom line, we've been inseparable for the vast majority of our relationship. We've had our bumps here and there like everyone else, but we've hit one lately that I'm worry will derail us beyond repair. I'm hoping I can get some insight from you guys.
It started when she found out her favorite student's dad was a guy I went to high school with. OK guy, was in Iraq, has 2 kids on two separate sides of the country...not the kind of guy I would necessarily trust 100% though. After she found this out, they hung out occasionally by coincidence or through mutual friends, usually when I was doing something with my buddies or working late, etc....no biggie.
Then, about a month ago (when school let out), the two of them have been communicating more via texts, calls, etc. One day, on my way home from work around 10:30, she called me before I got home to let me know that he was over, so I knew what to expect when I got there. We had a fun time hanging out for a bit, then he went home. Two days later, my girlfriend let me know over the phone (while I was at work, and only after being asked by me), that the two would be hanging out again that day, at her place. Now, I'm not the jealous type, so I let it slide off. The next day, I was a little bitter about it, and she figured out why, and a little fight ensued. After she got pretty defensive about it, my suspicion started to pique. She accused me of not trusting her (which was partly true, i guess), and was not happy with me for a few days.
Since then, they have been texting each other nonstop. In one night, she tried to hide the fact that she had been talking with him....deleting texts (one of which he had called her "buttercup", more specifically " "what's up, buttercup?" (grr), jumping when I unexpectedly came around the corner and throwing her phone behind her back. Just a bunch of secretive, shady things. She'd tell me some bull about how he sent her gibberish because he's drunk at a bar, and she can't figure out what it says, so she deleted the message. I have a very gifted ability to ride out a lie until the person cracks from backpedaling/inconsistencies, but she opted to avoid talking about it at all. She reassured me that she loved me and only me, and wouldn't risk our relationship for "a guy she knows through work".
A couple days later, I brought up the topic again, as it was making me a bit uncomfortable. I think what bothered me most is that she didn't CARE that I was uncomfortable, and got very defensive of her position again. I tried explaining that if our roles were reversed, and I was hanging out with some girl at my place, alone, on a consistent basis, that she would be going out of her mind with anger. She disagreed and told me that it's no big deal, he's just a friend, then said I didn't trust her (again). The fight escalated something fierce, ending with her in tears, and me just generally worried about our future together.
Her being a teacher is important to the situation. She's constantly bored and looking for something to do or someone to do things with during the summer, since she has no work. When I get home, I'm beat, and I like to relax for a while...but her energy level is maxed out by then, and she gets frustrated with me - often leading to her saying we "never do anything anymore." This is far from the truth. Our weekends are packed with activities with our families, friends, and time to ourselves. We try to go out at least once a week and have a sit-down dinner at a nice restaurant, which we both feel is sufficient considering our busy schedules during the school year. My worry now is that I'm not enough to keep her entertained, and she's looking elsewhere for fun and companionship.
Since the fight, things have gone back to normal, but the talking between the two has continued. As I said before, I'm really not the jealous type, but my gut just FEELS this going somewhere bad, and I can't help be be a little alarmed by the situation. I don't think I'm looking for anyone to tell me whether or not she's cheating on me, or planning on it in the future, but I would like to know how I can manage my curiosity and suspicion. I believe that she loves me and not him, but really, what's stopping her from messing around behind my back? I am trying my best to be trusting, and to let her have guy friends that aren't me. I can respect a good friend, but having that friend over at 10:30 or 11 at night on a consistent basis makes me weary as hell. Her lack of consideration for how I feel about it only adds to the suspicion. I know I'm on a dangerous, spiraling road of mistrust that could potentially destroy our relationship. I mean, if I can't trust her, it doesn't really matter what she does behind my back, since we would be doomed anyway.
On the plus side, we've spent the last several days together, with no talk OF him, and it's been pretty much back to normal. Had a great time at a Cubs game, cuddling on the couch, calling and texting sweet nothings while I'm at work. But it's just....there...in the back of my mind. Anyone have any advice as to how I can stop thinking about this?
JLM-AWP on
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TRUST - You don't trust her. Whether or not she is just friends with this guy or something more, your relationship lacks trust. That's a huge problem. I don't have her side of the story, so there's only so much to infer, but nevertheless it's a big issue here. You need to figure out if your mistrust is reasonable or unreasonable. Has she ever cheated before? Has she ever acted this way with a guy who was absolutely "just a friend" or is this the only guy that she has behaved this way towards? If your lack of trust is justified, then it's really up to her to do whatever is neccessary to regain that trust. If it is unjustified, you need to find a way to trust her again. Either way, without trust, the relationship is doomed.
RESPECT - You are obviously upset about this situation, and as you have had multiple fights over it I'm assuming your girlfriend knows how you feel. That she continues to behave the way she is behaving and continue her relationship with the guy displays a basic lack of respect for your feelings. Justifiably or not, she thinks that the time she spends with this guy is more important than you being happy. That's a huge issue for the relationship. I'm not saying that her only goal should be making you happy, but in this situation at least, she has decided that she's going to continue doing what she's doing without regard for your feelings. At the same time, by getting upset and possessive of her, you are showing a lack of respect for her choice of friends. Basically, you both have lost respect for the other person in the relationship. Unless you can find a way to come to terms with the present situation, that's another relationship killer.
COMMUNICATION - This compliments the first two. You need to get things out in the open. Everything you've said in your post, you need to say to her. She needs to know how you feel, and you need to give her a chance to explain her actions. Right now you are speculating about a lot of things. You need to bring everything out in the open. As painful as it will be, you need to ask her flat out what is going on with this guy. You also need to explain to her how her behavior makes you feel. It's not about laying blame on anyone, because from what you say there's plenty to go around between the two of you. Talk about trust, and respect. If you can't find a way to trust her, and she can't find a way to respect your feelings, then that is very painful but valuable information. In the end, it really doesn't matter whether she's cheating or not, because that can be overcome. But if you can't find respect and trust again, you're finished.
Certainly some of her behaviour would be a bit concerning (i.e. hiding her phone so you can't see it, deleting texts, jumping when you appear) which would probably seem a little fishy. Sure, you might trust her, but her actions are making it difficult to do so. Just be open and honest about your feelings in a calm, rational way and hopefully she should return in kind and be understanding, rather than accusing you of not trusting her. Like a lot of people have said in the past on here and certainly, advice that I'm heeding, is to communicate. It saves a lot of time and headaches if the two of you can talk about things openly without fear of hurting either one's feelings or start bringing up a conversation about trust.
Thats... well, nothing.
Her word, her morals and her commitment to you.
Oh but you are. Nothing that you can't work on though.
This. This is the bad part. You attempted to talk to her about an issue bothing you and got nowhere.
I would probably print this out and show it too her when you guys are in a calm space and try again. If she still won't try to help you work on that (and I don't mean just cave-in and never be around her guy friends) then, well, you'll know the score.
I say trust your gut.
I had a gut feeling about my fiancee and a guy she worked with but still hung around with almost constantly. Found out she was cheating on me with him.
After 5.5 years and 6 months before our wedding.
Steam: Kemlo
ASSUMING SHE'S NOT CHEATING AND YOU'RE CRAZY:
If he really is just a friend and nothing's happening, she should be able to have that without you getting upset every time she sees/talks to him. There's a good possibility she's 'friend zone'd' him, and treats him like a new girlfriend. On the other hand, if you aren't comfortable with the situation, that also needs to be addressed.
You two need to talk it out without you getting jealous or her getting defensive and find a way for her to see her friend and you to be happy.
But out of curiosity, what would it take for you to be happy with the friendship? Would they need to meet in public, or with you? Would you have to be able to read everything they send to each other? How far would she have to go? Be honest, is there anything that will make you comfortable? You might need to think about that. You may be a more jealous person than you think.
One way or another, try to be cool at least for now. DO NOT get weird until you have some sort of solid evidence one way or another, just talk about it. If you find out she kissed him or touched him or secretly had a baby with him while you weren't looking then you can get mad and leave. For now, don't treat her like she's hiding something, treat her like your girlfriend. Treating her like a suspect is the first step toward pushing her away, whether she's cheating or not.
If you are uncomfortable with it, it should not be happening. If it does not stop immediately, leave. If you suspect it continuing secretly, leave. Life is too short to have to worry about things like that. And if anyone says you are just jealous, point out to them that is she were a good girlfriend, she would not get into situations that she understands would make you jealous.
I have had it happen and my gut was right even when she and everyone else said, "It's nothing."
Very true. Whatever she is doing may be completely justifiable. But if you can't live with it, that's it.
Sometimes breaking up is the best option for both of you.
I have had this exact same situation happen to me and me being a really nice guy at the time just let it slide and called it "nothing." I couldnt have been farther from the truth and I regret not putting her in her place and calling her out on her lies when I had the chance but instead I didnt want to do that because I was afraid that it would make her mad and she'd end the relationship before we got the chance to fix anything. Sound familiar?
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
In my mind, if she thought you were being overprotective and refused to stop hanging out with him but kept it all out in the open, at least that would signal to me that she doesn't feel guilty about what might be going on (even though that still wouldn't be a cool thing to do).
Instead she feels like she has to go behind your back and keep secrets from you. Even if she's not cheating now, there's a good chance this is how the rest of your relationship is gonna be. And man, that sucks.
My ex-wife would take so much offense when I would confront her about how I was uncomfortable with her too-close relationship to a mutual friend of ours. But no matter how strongly she denied it and "would never hurt" me like that, that suspicion lingered. Imagine my surprise when I finally caved and checked her phone for text messages, finding one from him asking her to pick up some "rubber love accessories" because he was out.
Bullshit. She's got a boyfriend who is both "the jealous type" and "badly in denial" who would clearly be unhappy with the girlfriend having anyone as just a friend if that friend happend to own a penis.
Look, OP, your girlfriend is going to have friends, just like you do. She's going to call, txt, and hang out with those friends. One or more of those friends *gasp* might be male. That doesn't mean she's cheating on you. Although, the quickest way to drive her right into the other guy's arms is to act like a jealous asshole about it
After reading this post, I realize I left a couple parts out of the story, which may change a few things.
We have sat down and had a talk, in fact, my words were something like "You know, I'm still somewhat uncomfortable with you hanging out with (name), can we talk about it a bit?" Her immediate response was to get upset with me, but I tried to keep it quiet and calm as best I could. I explained my feelings (i'm not afraid to do so, I wear my heart on my sleeve, much to the dismay of everyone I know), and told her how it seemed like she was prioritizing him over my feelings. She said "well, if it makes you that uncomfortable, I will stop talking to him and seeing him." She said this more out of anger than understanding. I told her that I can't ask her to do that, and that despite my feelings about it, I need to realize that she's a grown-up and can make her own decisions of who to hang out with. So I shot myself in the foot about preventing any more contact, but I also made sure she knew I was making an effort to be less ridiculous and controlling.
Also, no, I'm not really the jealous type at all, though this recent development is making me think about keeping that more under control. She has several other guy friends that she talks to regularly, and I've never had an issue. There was no suspicion or secrecy at all with them. When we first started dating, I ENCOURAGED her to go to lunch with her ex-bf, who was trying to get back together with her (she wasn't having any of it, though). I knew that she would say goodbye to him for good and be with me, and I had no doubts about that. The last 2 years have been completely void of any issues even remotely like this. The only jealousy in the relationship is her jealousy towards my games, which often soak up our "us" time, as many of your are probably familiar with.
I know I'm not perfect, but I'm not a crazy person. I really try to step back and observe what's going on as whole, and not make any hasty decisions, so please hold back the jealous prick comments. That's not me. I'm a considerate person who has nothing but the best interests in mind for my gf and I, as I seriously plan on marrying her one day (as long as this blows over). I really appreciate the advice though, guys. It's tough to talk about this with friends without them getting a pre-conceived motion about my girlfriend.
UPDATE: Just received a text from her saying that she is going to lunch with him, because he wants to vent about his ensuing child-custody trial. My response: "Ok, have fun. See you when I get home." No secrets. Maturity. Good steps.
Also, Daedalus, tone it down man, geez. I'm asking for help, i'm not on trial.
Bolded for truth.
However... Who's to say the GUY isn't the one trying to get into her pants? I think that's what I'd be more worried about. I can't trust guys further than I can throw them when they're around my fiancee... But then again, I don't really get up in arms when they hang out with her. I am just suspicious of their intentions.
But I'm a jealous type
yeah because jumping when the boyfriend is in the room, quickly deleting texts, hiding texts from her boyfriend, and getting suggestive texts from the opposite sex is completely normal.
OP, your girlfriend is probably already cheating on you.
of course she's jumpy about it, the guy shows every sign of being completely unable to cope with his girlfriend associating at all with any other guy.
You had this conversation and she didn't distance herself from him and/or be more open about their talking out of respect for your relationship? Instead she became more secretive?
Do I understand correctly?
You don't have nearly enough information to make such judgments about either party.
He seems perfectly sane about it to me. You're telling me if you were in the same situation you wouldn't be the least bit perturbed? Especially with the sneaky behavior?
No, you're right, I don't. But I've seen this before, and wanted to provide a counter-balance to a thread full of "she's talking to other men, clearly she's a cheating whore" posts. Perhaps I was a bit harsh.
You must have more information than the rest of us, because you are making a lot of judgments about this guy without knowing anything but what he's told us.
She wasn't sneaky about it until they had a stupid fight over it, according to the OP. This makes sense.
Twice I've had that bad feeling about another guy. In both cases it was proven to me that the feeling held some ground.
I grant that the OP could be seeing things and being overbearing and jealous. He seems like a solid type of guy though. I know how he feels with trusting her, but then there's just a line you don't cross and when you cross it its hard to go back.
I'm going to have to also offer the advice to break up with your lady. I know you guys are close and everything, been together for however long.. but if she has made it evident something is going on. Maybe she's just hiding a friendship and being ridiculously awkward about it. I doubt it though.
Ok, so maybe her energy level is higher than yours at this point because of the summer and all. If she cannot help her energy and commit herself to you then she's not worth the time and effort. I can totally understand her having friends and all, but as the OP said it just seems a bit excessive.
Sorry broseph. Time to cut your ties.
Look, I understand what you're trying to say, I've seen the same stuff. Now, true we're only hearing his side, but from what I'm hearing, it's obvious something is going on, be it she's having fun flirting or what, hiding from your sig. other is a pretty bad sign, even with the fight.
That's why in my first post I spoke only to the state of the relationship. He could be a jealous asshole, or he could be a guy who's miserable because he suspects his girlfriend is cheating. Just because he's jealous or suspicious doesn't mean it's unjustified. Also, according to his account he wasn't jealous at first--it was a lot of little things that built up to the current situation.
Of course, we don't have the g/f's side, which could be very different story than what we're getting.
1) girlfriend meets other guy, becomes friends.
2) girlfriend invites other guy over to boyfriend's house to hang out, boyfriend meets him
3) girlfriend invites other guy over to her own house to hang out
4) boyfriend becomes bitter over (3), fight ensues
5) girlfriend doesn't hang out in person with other guy anymore, so they txt and call each other more often instead
6) boyfriend remains jealous over it, so girlfriend starts hiding it
7) another fight ensues, where girlfriend is angry because boyfriend is dictating who she is and isn't allowed to have as a friend
8) OP's second post: boyfriend and girlfriend have a talk and come to a better understanding.
I mean, I could be reading this wrong, but you have to try and see the situation from the other party's point of view.
Now maybe that doesn't matter anymore. It sounds like it does, and you want to see this blow over as soon as possible. You should try to talk to her again, and see if you can get her to call off the dogs for this round. I think you'll know when sure is sure enough.
In your situation.. from what you've written.. I would quite possibly cry a lot, and then break up with her when I was ready to do so, because if I couldn't even have that conversation calmly with her I'm not sure I could ever trust her. And that trust is so important. I would try once more first, but if I got the same or worse reaction, that's probably what I'd do.
It sounds like she's either cheating or on the road to it. None of these things are good signs.
Did you manage to miss the part where she's had plenty of other guy friends over two years and he's had absolutely no bad feeling about any one of them?
Again, I really don't think the signs point to that at all.
OP, you're girlfriend is hiding something. She may only be hiding that she still enjoys this guys friendship over your feelings, or she may be hiding that she's cheating on you with him. This is not good for your relationship. Serious changes need to be made or else your relationship will spiral out of control in a flaming ball of jealousy and hate. I personally would recommend taking some time off from your relationship with her. Maybe that means breaking up with her for good, maybe that means not hanging out for a week. You both need to figure out your priorities in this relationship and decide if it's really in your best interest to continue seeing each other.
Remember it's always better to break up before you get married than wait until after.
Man, I don't think you get it. You assume I am supposed to accept the secretive behavior, and OBVIOUS line-crossing with him being with my 2-year girlfriend, alone, at 11:00pm, in her apartment...and NOT question it?
I didn't yell at her initially. I didn't tell her what to do. I gave her a choice, and I let her make her own decisions, but I'll be fucking DAMNED if I don't have the right to ask questions about it and voice my concerns over it. If I didn't, it wouldn't seem like I cared to much about her and my relationship with her, now, would it?
When I said I was a little bitter, she read it on my face and asked me if something was wrong, so I told her. I'm trying to communicate with her about things, which is the only solution to this issue. Me being concerned about it does not make me a jealous asshole, it makes me human. I love her very much and want to spend the rest of my life with her if I can. Get off your high horse and try to be helpful, or don't post.
I know him. Pretty well, actually. We went to HS together (in OP), and I played soccer with him for 2 years. He's a decent guy, but has had 2 kids in 2 different states out of wedlock (not judging, just saying), and seems to be REALLY good at using the sympathy card to manipulate girls' feelings. My suspicions aren't completely unfounded.
When I've chilled with him and her recently, everything was fine. We got along fine, talked like old buddies.
After I voiced my concern when she told me he was coming over to hang out the third time (I was at work again), she sent him home before he even got there, saying I was mad and he shouldn't come over. I asked her for his number, called him, and apologized to him for making him think I didn't like him. He's not the issue though. I'm not dating him. She's the one I spend everyday with, and she's the one I need to work things out with.
In case nobody saw this on the last page:
UPDATE: Just received a text from her saying that she is going to lunch with him, because he wants to vent about his ensuing child-custody trial. My response: "Ok, have fun. See you when I get home." No secrets. Maturity. Good steps.
I've been through this although I was already married when it happened. We worked it out but forbidding someone to do something is not likely to work for you in my experience. Even when it's not your suggestion.
PSN: Broichan