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Roommate issue
Death of Rats
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
A month and a half ago I moved quite a ways to live with two of my friends who rent a duplex. I had a small amount of money to last me until I found a job. This was alright with them, they said that rent and such wouldn't be expected of me until I could afford to pay it.
So over the last month they've been really cool. I've found a job, and starting in 2 weeks I'll actually have enough money to possibly support myself fully. I haven't been bumming anything off of them so far, but they have bough food for me numerous times when we go out to eat. I've never asked for them to do this, they're just all around nice people.
But I have been buying my own food to eat at home. I have noticed, however, that at least one of them has been eating the food I buy.
Now, if I wasn't in such a financial bind (I don't know how I'm going to feed myself for the next 2 weeks) I wouldn't be upset about this. Neither of them cook, so I expect that they'd want some of the food I cook. But I am in a financial bind. I've told them this. I've told them that I literally have around $.80 until I get paid ($30) tomorrow. So it really irks me that they'd eat my food at this point.
But I don't know what to do about it. I'm almost certain that if I bring it up, they'll either blow me off, or bring up the food they've offered me. I do want to get this taken care of, but at the moment (without me paying rent, with them paying for meals when we go out, all that stuff) I don't think I really have a place to stand on this. But if I do nothing, wouldn't that just set a president that all my stuff is free game even after I can carry my own weight?
So over the last month they've been really cool. I've found a job, and starting in 2 weeks I'll actually have enough money to possibly support myself fully. I haven't been bumming anything off of them so far, but they have bough food for me numerous times when we go out to eat. I've never asked for them to do this, they're just all around nice people.
But I have been buying my own food to eat at home. I have noticed, however, that at least one of them has been eating the food I buy.
Now, if I wasn't in such a financial bind (I don't know how I'm going to feed myself for the next 2 weeks) I wouldn't be upset about this. Neither of them cook, so I expect that they'd want some of the food I cook. But I am in a financial bind. I've told them this. I've told them that I literally have around $.80 until I get paid ($30) tomorrow. So it really irks me that they'd eat my food at this point.
But I don't know what to do about it. I'm almost certain that if I bring it up, they'll either blow me off, or bring up the food they've offered me. I do want to get this taken care of, but at the moment (without me paying rent, with them paying for meals when we go out, all that stuff) I don't think I really have a place to stand on this. But if I do nothing, wouldn't that just set a president that all my stuff is free game even after I can carry my own weight?
No I don't.
Death of Rats on
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I don't know if this battle is worth fighting right now.
It still just confuses me. They know I'm trying to eat off of $10 a week right now, without relying on their help.
The best thing you can do now is:
1. Let it slide: they are letting you live there rent free
2. Buy some non-perishable food when you get paid tomorrow and keep at least some of it in your room as a sort of starvation emergency supply
3. Possibly call home and ask the rents to float you $50 until you get paid in two weeks, just to help out with the incidentals while your income catches up. (When you first move out, it is expected you'll do this at least a few times)
4. Once your able to fully support yourself, decide what your comfortable with community food wise and talk to your room mates about it. Don't try and force your opinion about how it should be on them, just bring up that you want to figure out what's best for the house with grocery buying and stuff.
If its normally fine, but you have some things you dont want to share, then you need to keep those things in your room OR make it clear its not public. For example my brother bought a cake for someone's birthday, and put a note on it saying not to eat it.
Also Gafoto's advice is good. Snack foods are a bad thing to leave lying around a shared environment. I dont even do that at my house, people are shifty when they know they cant be caught!
Oh, i should add: I agree with the others, that given the leeway they're giving you in rent payment, you should let this slide for now. Find out the food situation for the future, AFTER you've started pulling your own weight.
I never buy snacks. Not because my roommate will eat them, but because I'll eat them. I mean, if they're stealing half the pasta you got to make themselves dinner than maybe it would be something to think about. Also, they are giving you some crazy financial leeway. I'd just let it slide. It's not that long 'till you have money.
Also yeah, what Cryo said. Figure out rules.
I buy Coffee, cookies, Butter, Pharmesean cheese, pasta, alcohol, and some other stuff for my current apartment, because I'm the one who uses them the most. My roommate has an uncle who gets him free meat, so we're mutual on that, but he uses eggs, meat, snack food, cheese, and some other stuff more, so he gets those. But in a pinch, either of us are free to borrow from the other.
If the rules are "Eat the food you buy" then you might want to bring it up. If the rules are "Food is mutual, but don't just mooch" then hell, food is mutual.
I'd suggest not bringing this up with them as they've been fairly lenient with you. Understandably, they shouldn't be eating your food, but you also don't really have any ground to stand on to complain. Weather it out, make your cash and try to squeeze on by. With .80c you should be able to buy some of that really cheap generic cereal, or maybe some oatmeal. Or an apple and a can of beans, hah.
Good luck man.
So, basically, all the food that's in the fridge (which isn't much) is all bought by me. So if the rule is "eating other people's food is fine", then that's going to end up being very unfair to me once I start paying my fair share of the bills. If they actually bought food that I could bum I'd see it a bit different, but as of right now there's not anything in the fridge that's they bought.
And it's not snack food and the like. I'm not buying that shit right now. I made a shitload of fettucini alfredo the other day. I measured out enough to last me 4 days (8 meals) and put it in a container, and then put the rest in a different container. I told them they could have what was in the small container (trying to pay them back for the fast food they've bought me). I was very specific about that. There was enough in the small container to dish out 2 meals. The next day I went to get some out of the large container that I had made, and at least 2 meals worth of it was gone, as well as the small container.
When I bought the ingredients for the pasta, I also bought a thing of oreos. I ate about one of the lines of oreos and put it up. Today I go to get some more, and there's 4 oreos left.
As I said, this wouldn't bother me as much if they bought food to keep here, and if I wasn't in such a bind financially. If I had enough money to go out and buy more food if they eat mine, I'd be cool.
"Eat whatever you want" rules only work when everyone is buying food and nobody is being a mooch. Personally, i think its a stupid rule and it was one of the first questions i asked before moving in to my current house, but i'm fairly protective of my own phat loots. Even still, i believe some of my stuff (sauces, spices) get stolen, and i've moved many things to my room. I suggest you consider doing the same.
But really, if you have so little money to eat for an entire week, stop buying junk like Oreo's! Buy some actual sustenance, which is gonna be good for you, and will end up being cheaper than sugar cookies.
I've thought about doing the whole "I'll cook if you buy" thing, but that all depends on me being able to cook well.
I dunno, I think it sucks that your roommates eat your shit without confirming it's okay first. It's disrespectful. And if you had asked I'm pretty sure you wouldn't have said no, what since they're helping you out so much.
It's the presumption which is offensive. But their kindness currently outweighs their rudeness so keep yer yap shut. I was in a similar position last year, lived in a place where I paid no rent, and I wound up having some of my shit ruined and cleaning up after my housemate a lot. I was really glad to leave and start coughing up rent to be honest, bottling up frustrations ain't healthy.
Then maybe offer to cook a bit or pay them pack once you're on your feet. Eating your food without asking you is pretty disrespectful in my opinion, even if they are being very nice in other ways.
Maybe they don't realize what jerks they're being (this is my suspicion since they are good enough friends to help you out in this tight spot).
I moved into my new apartment in June with my new roommate. My dad and I drove from Cincinnati to Boston with the rest of my junk to try and furnish the place. When he was hear, he takes me and my roommate all over, buying us furniture and getting us stocked on about 150 bucks of groceries. I try to offer to help pay for these things (i couldnt afford all of it by any means, but I could have covered more than half), but he declines saying that all the shit counts as an early birthday present in his book (birthday is in september) and not to count on anything from him for awhile. Sweet deal, I was very very happy.
So, bout three weeks later some of the groceries start to dwindle. I've been restocking the essentials, like bread/milk. Thing is, I work at a restraunt where I get free food twice a day, so groceries arent as important to me- but i still like to be able to make food on my offdays and such. So we go through most of the food, and my roommate gets sick of the stuff we stockpiled on (sketty and rice, naturally). She spent alot of money on some chicken, a bunch of veggies, and curry mx, and cooked it all up when one of our freinds was visiting- on one of my off days. They ate the meal, and offered me nothing expect some plain white rice. I was actually a little shocked, there was like enough for five people, and it was very much out of character for her. But i justified it to myself, because I hadnt really been hanging out with them that day and they pretty much spent the night going to the store and cooking, and she wanted to save some for later.
So that happens, and throws me off a little bit.
Then, my roommate comes to me and tells me all the shit that we need, stuff like sandwich meat, cheese, tortilas, peanut butter and just general stuff.. We have talked about how the food thing works, and its pretty much mutual food but dont be a mooch. I say, well you can go get that stuff, because A) its not that urgent for me right now because I eat mostly at work, and
Some weeks pass, and her mom comes. She stays for 5 days, and leaves having not bought any groceries or things for our place. Now I never even had the slightlest thought in my head of comparing the contributions of my dad to her mom, because that just seems incredibly rude and unreasonable to me. Its only that when she was hear, my roommate was going out with her to a nice resturant almost every night, and going shopping for clothes and stuff. And on top of that, she said that when her mom visits the groceries would get restocked without me having to worry about it.
I dont want to dwell over something insignificant, but have I been wronged? (purposefly or not) Is it wrong of me to take ownership of the groceries my dad bought? Should I expect for her too get the next round of groceries?
I'm leaning towards this.
Even though the OP owes the guys a fair bit for letting him live rent free, this is exactly the sort of shit that becomes ingrained after a while. They'll think their behaviour was at first OK, and then when the OP finally brings it up after he is paying rent and such, they'll think he turned into a whiny bitch.
I think you should absolutely, and sternly, bring it up and have it set as a rule. The longer you leave it, the less likely it will change, and it will continue to happen over and over.
I think eating other people's food, after being asked not to, is essentially stealing. Would you tolerate it if they went into your room and broke something on a daily basis? The bottom-line financial result is the same.
If you've lost trust in your flatmate's ability to properly understand her share of food, you should move to a system where you just buy food for yourself. It seems that your cooking habits are so divergent anyway, there's no way that you two will ever be able to live in a manner where everyone gets their share.
Shared food only works if you guys trust each other, and you have relatively similar cooking habits. Otherwise, one, some or all of the people involved are going to feel like they're not getting what they paid for.
Let the current transgressions slide, and just say you're going to be buying food for yourself from now on, because your cooking schedules and eating habits are too different.
My last house was a couple and me. They would often cook ridiculous amounts of food and rarely offer me any, and much of it would wind up going to waste. This didn't bother me since they were paying for it, but times when they'd leave the left overs sitting in (my) cookware which stopped me from being able to cook for myself were irritating. So if you go this way, it'd be a good idea to establish 'if you cook, you immediately clean up' rules too.
It would be an idea to nip it in the bud now and just say "Hey, I was thinking about the food situation, and I wanted to suggest that we just have our own shelf and stock our own stuff so we don't need to worry about who bought what and whose turn it is to buy stuff, it'll help me get a grip of my own finances too."
It should only concern your housemate if they were hoping or planning to be a total mooch, and you don't need that. And you can still be buddies and cook for each other, it's just a no obligation zone. Suggest conjoined meals every now, like 'hey lets get some ingredients and make pizza!' so it's not too weirdly seperate.
I totally disagree with this advice. Being a stern rule quoter when you don't currently pay a lick of rent and have been gifted shit by the people you're throwing the book at will have you coming off looking like a complete tosser. And housemates aren't thieves for nibbling on your biscuits, they're hungry buddies of yours who probably weren't thinking beyond settling the rubmle in their stomachs.
Housesharing is often a life full of compromise, so you should adapt your habits to avoid these kinds of confrontations immediately, and don't mention the oreos again. When you're paying rent and you're not annoyed about being treated like the mooch you are (and let's face it, you're sort of a mooch right now, even if you're totally grateful for it), then you can feel free to suggest that they buy their own snack foods if you simply must keep them within their easy each in the shared pantry.
But that kind of stubborn unwillingness to change until the housemates learn their lesson is destined to cause drama.
It wasn't just biscuits, but entire meals the OP had reserved. And thinking nothing beyond their stomachs shows a complete lack of respect. It is theft, because the OP is out of pocket.
Once he starts paying rent, the behaviour has to stop. But what will happen, if he doesn't make this clear, is that they will think he's suddenly become uncool, or is stressed or something, and they will continue to do it.
I've seen houses where the food theft continues because "he doesn't mind really".
I don't disagree with you. But attempting to lay down the law over something the other housemates clearly don't have any real investment in (their own food isn't at risk - they don't buy any) when he doesn't really have any stake in the household yet (isn't yet paying rent), he'll come off as the loser in any argument (and one may arise if the housemates are so unthoughtful that they'd eat a poor mans food).
And I know it wasn't just biscuits, but what I was trying to stress is not to treat your housemates as combatants, and it's a better approach to proactively limit their avenues to be thoughtless and cause you stress so you can still get along as chums.
If these foods were stashed in his room and they were going missing, then we'd have some serious nuclear shit going on. But for now, it's best not to leave cookies in the midst of people who might think you owe them something.
EDIT: Oh you added more. And yes, after he has a stake in the house and is paying his share, it is a good idea always to establish ground rules. Some transgressions are to be expected (even the OP may occasionally swipe some oregano or whatever) and that's just sharehouse life. But being a nitpicky screwball will only lead to problems.
Yeah, I agree about leaving lovely little treats around is going to get you stuffed.
And I do like to ninja edit.
Roommate A and I usually went grocery shopping once a week. He usually paid for her share of the rent and food. Anyway, we would split the bill, and the three of us would take turns cooking that week. If we bought snacks, they were generally open dibs for everyone in the house (even guests). Snacks never lasted a long time
Roommate B never cooked and never helped us cleanup. He also never ate A or I's food. He and his girlfriend would either eat, cook after the other three roommates finished, or cook at B's girlfriend's house. they rarely left food in the freezer or fridge, but if they did, it was off limits to me, A and A's gf.
This arrangement last for the two years we all lived together. For the most part, it worked well. Occasionally someone made a mistake and ate some food that was off limits, but we were friends. We forgave and forgot.
However, none of this would have been possible without communication. When we all moved in, we had discussions about this, as well as many other duties and responsibilities. We also had regular house meetings.
My advice is to wait until you have your income flow sorted out. Then you'll need to sit down with your roommates to discuss various living arrangements, including food. You shouldn't really bring this up until you are a contributing member of the household.
Yeah; your roommates are being amazingly cool to you. However, I feel like what they're doing (it seems like they are using your food some, but not completely mooching) isn't all that bad - the red flag for me is when you say "but they have bough food for me numerous times when we go out to eat. I've never asked for them to do this, they're just all around nice people." If you can't afford to go out and eat with them, then don't. I know you're not "asking" for them to pay, but when you are broke and they say "let's go out" and you go too that enters you into an unspoken agreement that someone is giving you something. That said, you can definitely talk about this after you are able to support yourself. But you need to seriously stress to them how grateful you are for all their help.
And for talking about things with your roommates: set up a meeting or something and then follow through with it. I hate roommates who are always saying things such as "we should have a talk as a house about XYZ" or "we should all get together and clean (or whatever)" and then assume somebody else is just going to run with that and set it up, and then get ticked off when it doesn't happen. If you want to talk about something, then set up a concrete time when people can all get together.
Well, to be fair, the whole thing is a little more complicated than that. One of them doesn't have a car, and he asks me to drive him to fast food places if he buys me food. I would drive him anyway, but I do take him up on it because, well, food's food. Besides the first few weeks up here (where I spent my money way too fast), I haven't gone out to eat with them when they go out. It's always the "drive me here and you'll get food" situation.
Even with gas prices what they are it sounds like your still making out ok on the deal. Keep in mind it's not just free rent, your using their water, electricity, and maybe even their internet access. Their giving you what amounts to a few hundred dollars every month, you don't want to be complaining over a couple bucks.
I may be wrong in how the situation is but it seems like the poster is extremely tight on money and cannot run out and replace this food.
Being given free rent is a huge gift and deserves gratitude but you cannot eat free rent.
That's very true. It wouldn't hurt to say something like "Hey I don't want to be a pain and I'm really grateful for the rent situation and stuff, but I'm so strapped for cash right now I can't afford any more groceries, so if you want to have some of my food would it be okay for you to ask me first, because I need to plan my meals until the money train starts rolling in."
Then I would brace brace brace for questions like "Hey well yeah you owe me for the last X weeks rent, when are you going to cough up?" Might not happen if the housemates are as awesome as they sound in the OP, but if it was me, I would just change my own habits instead of potentially stirring up problems when I'm in a weak position.
I suggest caution because of the experiences I've had where I've been the guy being 'carried' by someone else. That is, where someone has offered me a sweet deal and when I accepted they took it that I then owed them anything they wanted, whenever they wanted. Another experience where I was paying minimal rent in a sharehouse and I got treated like shit because of it:
When I stayed at a friends place for a few nights, I came home to a bombsite. The entire place was upside down. They'd had a party the night I'd gone out, and hadn't cleaned up after 2 days. It was summer, stinking hot, there were so many dirty dishes piled on the sink the weight actually dented the draining board. Flies! Flies everywhere! I'm no Cleany McCleano, but the mess actually shocked me. My room was right next to the kitchen and it stank.
I left the mess to them to deal with, and when it got to dinner time the following day and nothing had been done, I confronted them and asked when the kitchen would be cleaned. What followed, from the people who I'd been getting along with well, was a barrage of complaints that I hadn't been cleaning up enough, and that I was only paying $50 a week so I should clean it up for them. I told them I didn't sign on to be the maid, and they told me flat out that's pretty much what they expected from then on.
As an aside, the brother's girlfriend lived there probably 13 days out of every fortnight. She didn't contribute to groceries, didn't cook, didn't pay rent or clean, and she did most of the bitching at me.
So, I was a poor, busy student with no where else to go. They had me by the balls. So I cleaned up the kitchen, made myself dinner, and thereafter kept clean dishes and cutlery in my room at all times. I ate out a lot, I had take-away food a lot, microwaved food alot, but kept paying a delightfully low, low rent. Eventually those fucks moved out and I got the sweet place to myself and some friends who weren't total cockshits.
But that also ended really badly, but that's a completely different, awful story. Hah.