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Not a girl thread (but it feels like one...)
Dr Sanchez
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
After having had the last girl I was with (2 years ago) point it out to me, it turns out I've been single for two years. Not just single, I haven't kissed a girl, nothing. I'm 21 now and I'm not shy, frigid or gay (as people often ask).
I know how this thread reads so far, lonely shut-in bitching about nothing. But it's not like that (at least I don't think it is...).
Since uni finished everyone I knew from my course has left town. My housemate's are really good friends of mine, but heavily invested in their long term relationships. Hell they're the only people I do things with now, and since girlfriends have semi-moved in and everyone is broke, doing stuff doesn't happen much anymore.
So, I go out by myself a lot. To the gym, to the cinema, to restaurants. I'm currently looking for work, meet people through there right? But agencies aren't hiring because of influx of students returning home, getting a job is a bitch right now. The only thing that looks available to me is manual labor and/or warehouse work.
I tend not to talk about this stuff to my housemates because to anyone who is in a relationship, the help and/or advice is so one dimensional. "You need to get yourself out there". What the hell does this even mean I'm already doing that! "Go out and meet people", where, on the street? I'd look so out of place approaching people by myself to start small talk, and nobody wants to be "that creepy guy in the gym". Not to mention the only social clubs around here involve old men designing model planes.
Anyone they (my housemates) could've set me up with they would have done so already. Well, that and they're both 25.
I hate complaining about this because it sounds so petty, but two years really is a long ass time. Some days I don't care and others it really bothers me. The last few months, the ratios are changing toward less care free days and more of the latter. Or maybe a day will be good and then I'll be reminded by housemate couple 1 or 2 of how long it's been by loud fucking. Oh, and my worst fear of all is that this will end up being posted above the thread, "help me PA, I've got 6 months to live".
Apologies, and I realize there must be 100 threads like this, but it's refreshing to vent where I can't see people rolling their eyes at me. It would be good to hear similar experiences and advice that doesn't scream, "can we stop talking about this now".
TL;DR Bitching about loneliness and other things. It makes me sad and again, I'm sorry.
I know how this thread reads so far, lonely shut-in bitching about nothing. But it's not like that (at least I don't think it is...).
Since uni finished everyone I knew from my course has left town. My housemate's are really good friends of mine, but heavily invested in their long term relationships. Hell they're the only people I do things with now, and since girlfriends have semi-moved in and everyone is broke, doing stuff doesn't happen much anymore.
So, I go out by myself a lot. To the gym, to the cinema, to restaurants. I'm currently looking for work, meet people through there right? But agencies aren't hiring because of influx of students returning home, getting a job is a bitch right now. The only thing that looks available to me is manual labor and/or warehouse work.
I tend not to talk about this stuff to my housemates because to anyone who is in a relationship, the help and/or advice is so one dimensional. "You need to get yourself out there". What the hell does this even mean I'm already doing that! "Go out and meet people", where, on the street? I'd look so out of place approaching people by myself to start small talk, and nobody wants to be "that creepy guy in the gym". Not to mention the only social clubs around here involve old men designing model planes.
Anyone they (my housemates) could've set me up with they would have done so already. Well, that and they're both 25.
I hate complaining about this because it sounds so petty, but two years really is a long ass time. Some days I don't care and others it really bothers me. The last few months, the ratios are changing toward less care free days and more of the latter. Or maybe a day will be good and then I'll be reminded by housemate couple 1 or 2 of how long it's been by loud fucking. Oh, and my worst fear of all is that this will end up being posted above the thread, "help me PA, I've got 6 months to live".
Apologies, and I realize there must be 100 threads like this, but it's refreshing to vent where I can't see people rolling their eyes at me. It would be good to hear similar experiences and advice that doesn't scream, "can we stop talking about this now".
TL;DR Bitching about loneliness and other things. It makes me sad and again, I'm sorry.
Dr Sanchez on
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this is amazing advice.
If you really want to meet girls you have to talk to them. This will involved getting rejected. Go through each day saying i am going to strike up a conversation with at least 5 girls today and ask at least one of them out. If you do this for a week you will have talked to 25 girls and asked 5 of them out. Eventually one will say yes.
Waitresses. Girls at the gym. Hostess's at a restaurants. Bar tenders, baristas. pretty girl in a book store, Girl behind the counter at movie theater. These are all targets. Get rejected by all of them. I promise one in 10 will say yes and you will have yourselves a date.
Also go to a bar and it is even easier.
This past year I improved myself tons, with one of the reasons being to change my luck with the opposite sex. I'm having pretty much the same problems as you, and some days its maddening/depressing.
I did this and dated the most beautiful girl I've ever seen as a result. She later told me the amount of confidence I approached her with at the coffee shop was startling. I was just *completely* ready to be shot down and didn't give a damn.
Take that for what it's worth.
Basically, approach anyone vaguely approachable, and don't worry about being awkward. Most people enjoy having a little small talk while they're waiting in line at the coffee shop or checking out books at the library. Humans are social creatures, so go forth and talk.
Ok. I spent a good deal of time trying to write a post claiming that this was bad advice...and instead I ended up agreeing with at least the spirit of this advice if not the way it was delivered.
I think it would be excellent practice to strike up conversations with random girls you find attractive. If you are really good at reading body language and she is giving you the right signs, then ask her out on a date right there.
Otherwise, well, maybe take it a bit slower? All of the targets Limp moose suggested are going to be in the same places at approximately the same times. So you can build on that first conversation. I think it is a lot easier talking to someone when I am not thinking about asking them out on a date. Then the idea to ask them out just kind of pops into my head at some point, so that is when I ask.
Will the scattershot approach work? Yes. However, I think that if you jump right to the "Do you want to go out sometime?" you are going to scare off some potentially good matches.
Obviously waiting it out and playing coy or doing pretty much anything he has been doing for the past 2 years hasn't been working. Doing what I suggested does work. (it works really well actually) and its something that builds on itself.
When you first start out you lack confidence and girls pretty easily pick up on that. After you do it a few times and have success your confidence goes through the roof. Then girls magically stop saying no and stop rejecting you. You can actually see the results if you keep at it.
Well, this is a revelation for me. I have the same problem as the OP, and I was always excluding these people as unavailable "Oh, they're working, they don't want to talk" "Oh, they're checking out books, they would be annoyed if I talked to them" and such. What's the worst that could happen? A restraining order against a total psycho who will file a restraining order just for "Hey, how's it going"?
Be topical. If I'm riding the buss and can guess the bored looking girl near me is in university I ask what she is studying. I've yet to find someone insulted because I thought they were in university when they weren't.
You can ask girl waiting in line to buy movie tickets next to you what movie she came to see.
And so on.
As has been said, the most reliable way to get a date is the scatter shot approach. Be confident, be open, be chatty, and ask for phone numbers/dates.
Oogling = creepy
Talking while making eye contact = not creepy.
And yeah, nothing wrong with talking to guys, might make some new friends. Personally I don't know of any guy who set someone up with his sister. I wouldn't rely on guys setting you up with anyone.
You're in a position a ton of men have been in, myself included. It isn't even funny how common your situation is. But at the same time, it is something that is completely and totally within your control to change. A lot of guys have, and you can too. I'm at work right now and I've got a date after, but I'll try to cook up a list of links to resources some time tomorrow.
Oh, and never be afraid to approach any girls you see that look cute. What's the absolute worst possible thing that happens? They yell "WRRRRYYYYYYYYY!!!", their eyes fill with blood, and they try to attack you? Never gonna happen. Seriously, any conversation you walk away from means you learned something more about interacting with people. Making friends or getting a date is just a bonus. Getting over your anxiety to approach girls (and guys) is something that will pay huge dividends in terms of dates (and friends). So go out there and chat 'em up.
but they're listening to every word I say
BTW, this is why guys get stuck in the "friends" role. They think that they can convince a lady to like them if they just keep working on them, like they can somehow level up from friend to boyfriend. Again, *possible*, but highly unlikely.
Regarding being good at reading body language and signs, I think if the guy was good at that, he would be dating someone already. When you try to date women, you are going to get turned down sometimes. You might even get a fake phone number. So what? She's not interested, move on to the next one. The original poster needs to move out of his comfort zone.
This is amazing advice, and something I personally needed to hear.
You've pretty much quoted the Ladder Theory verbatim and that's too bad since it really shouldn't be taken as more than a piece of highly entertaining satirical writing. to be successful with women basically all you need is the confidence to talk to them (which we're working on here) and the nerve to ask. the suggestion here isn't to befriend them it's simply to talk to them, at which point if you run into them again you have an automatic "in" and then, confidence established, you could suggest an activity.
You won't have to fake confidence as you will have earned it as well as developed the ever important skill of being able to make conversation. Just add in the "Are you single?" and "do you want to [something] on Saturday".
If you ever need to talk to someone, feel free to message me. Yes, that includes you.