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Yet another girl thread

TwistedJesterTwistedJester Registered User regular
edited July 2008 in Help / Advice Forum
So here's my story. I met this girl online, and we hit it off pretty well. After a while she gave me her number and we ended up talking for three or four hours the first time I called her, during which she invited me to get coffee downtown for an hour, just to get to know each other better.

So I go downtown at seven to get coffee with her and we have a lot of fun. I think she's gorgeous, funny and smart, she thinks I'm adorable and other such things. Eight o'clock rolls around and she says she'd like to spend some more time with me tonight. We ended up sitting in a park talking till around 11ish I think. There were some kind of awkward moments but that is to be expected. Overall it was very promising, especially considering when I finally got the nerve to try to give her a quick kiss on the lips, she took it from a kiss to making out. Then when she left me at my bus stop she grabbed me and kissed me goodnight without me so much as me asking or gesturing so. She also invited me to her anime club meeting, which I was a bit hesitant to agree to that night as I'm not that into anime and because I'm not very comfortable around large groups of people I don't know well. So we agreed to go to the a museum the next sunday instead.

So what am I complaining about? It was wonderful. Couldn't have ended much better. So the next the week rolls around and I figure I should probably go to her anime club thing so I don't seem like an anti-social jerk, and because I'd like to see her. I ask her if I'm still welcome and she says she'd love it if I came. So I go, and things seem pretty good. I sorta talk to some of the people there as best I can considering I know none of them. She's being fairly affectionate considering we're around other people. She even insisted I sit near her, sort of away from where everyone else is.

Then this other guy shows up. She calls him "sexy", which in and of itself isn't anything big as it seems like something she'd call a guy jokingly. But she seems to get along really well with him though, and I kind of get the vibe at least one of them is into the other, or they had something before or whatever. I mean, it's not like she was BLATANTLY flirting with this guy, and she still paid attention to me by messing up my hair and was sort of poking/massaging my shoulder. So I guess it wasn't all so bad. It's not one thing that is bothering me. It's a bunch of smaller ones. One of which being her canceling our museum date. She said she had to get together with a group for a project, so I wasn't too upset. I understand she's very busy.

So we end up leaving to head to my bus stop, and we talk and such. We agree to do something this week (wednesday seemed like a good time), since her weekend is going to be busy. I tell her that I'll have to request to leave work early and make up the hours during the rest of the week, but I'm ok with that because I like her. We get to my bus stop and another thing happens that irks me. She hugs me then sort of backs away. I ask her if I could have a goodnight kiss and she obliges. It bothers me that I had to ask though, since last time she pretty much just grabbed me. This is where I start to get sort of worried.

Then the next day rolls around and my friend insists I text her asking if she'd like to get coffee Sunday if she has the time. I think it's kind of silly to do so considering she canceled on me, but I go ahead and do so anyway. No reply. I'm not bothered much, but it would have been nice to get at least a "Sorry, I'll be busy". Again, smaller things, that by themselves don't bother me, snowballing into something larger that does.

Then comes yesterday. I want to make absolutely sure we're gonna do something this week, because I don't really want to put in 9 hour days if I don't have to. So I text her yesterday morning asking if we're still on for this week. So far nothing. And now I'm sort of wondering what is going on here. Is she just not interested and not willing to tell me outright, instead opting to let me just "figure it out" (which is a terrible way to handle a situation like this)? Has she found some other guy in the intervening time? Why does this suddenly seem cold when it was so hot just a week ago?

So I ask you fine ladies and gentlemen, what is the deal here? Am I just thinking about this too much, or is there something I should be worried about? And what should I do from here? I kind of want to call her tonight to see if she still wants to do stuff tomorrow, but I don't want to seem clingy or obsessive.

tl;dr : Things were hot, now they're not. Why? What do I do?

TwistedJester on
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    RitchmeisterRitchmeister Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Righto you're a bit paranoid android here. It's only been a couple of days, perhaps she has lost her phone, ran out of credit, any number of possible reasons why she hasn't got back to you.

    I think you need to slow down a bit, just play it cool and casual. You're still at the start of your relationship with this girl and you are certainly not boyfriend/girlfriend yet so if I were you I'd just slow down.

    I wouldn't call her tonight, you have already text her twice so if you've made your intentions clear and I think if you continue to call and/or text her it will just seem clingy and creepy.

    Maybe just give her a couple of days to get back to you and if she still hasn't then perhaps you can think about giving her a call to see whats up.

    Ritchmeister on
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    dr0neboydr0neboy Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    I think you should cool off for tonight and maybe call her tomorrow (or will that be a problem with your job?). Also try not to make a big deal about her not answering the texts, when you call her you could mention it swiftly but don't make a big deal about it. As long as she's not "rejecting" you explicitly you'll just have to hope for the best I think.

    dr0neboy on
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    TwistedJesterTwistedJester Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    dr0neboy wrote: »
    I think you should cool off for tonight and maybe call her tomorrow (or will that be a problem with your job?). Also try not to make a big deal about her not answering the texts, when you call her you could mention it swiftly but don't make a big deal about it. As long as she's not "rejecting" you explicitly you'll just have to hope for the best I think.
    I could call her tomorrow from work, but I'd like to let my boss know I'll be taking a half day the day before I take it.

    TwistedJester on
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    ErandusErandus Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Women are allowed to casually see more than one person while they decide if you're right for them. Make yourself available when you can, but she's not "yours" and she can see who she likes, especially when it's just the first couple "dates".

    If it really bothers you, tell her. If it's not ok with you, don't see her again.

    Tell her you really like her and you'd like to see her more. If she gets back to you, great. If not, it wasn't meant to be. You're not heavily invested in this girl yet, so don't have huge expectations.

    You agreed to do something Wednesday. If you keep pushing, being all "Hey i know we said we'd do something Wednesday, but would you like to get coffee today" And do something tomorrow? And what about tuesday?", that may be moving faster than she's prepared to.

    Erandus on
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    noir_bloodnoir_blood Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Honestly? There's a chance that this chick is too much work. I would just play the indifirent card right now. She knows you like her, you texted her, and I assume you told her you need to give notice at your work in order to meet up. If she wants to meet up, she'll contact you. I do find it a bit odd how she acted when you guys met though..how long had you been talking online?

    I know it's stereotypical to say, but sometimes you land an online chick that pretty much just wants some attention.

    noir_blood on
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    TwistedJesterTwistedJester Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    First of all I realize that she's not "mine". I never held the notion that she was. However, if feel that if she isn't interested in me it is only fair that she tells me so, especially after action so interested before. I can handle rejection. What I can't handle is people beating around the bush.

    Also, I had talked to her online for a couple of weeks, and then on the phone for a week or so. It was weird because she would take a long time to reply, and then it took three or so tries calling her to get a hold of her on the phone (even though she said to call at this time). I kind of wrote that all off though since the first date went so well.

    TwistedJester on
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    noir_bloodnoir_blood Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    First of all I realize that she's not "mine". I never held the notion that she was. However, if feel that if she isn't interested in me it is only fair that she tells me so, especially after action so interested before. I can handle rejection. What I can't handle is people beating around the bush.

    Also, I had talked to her online for a couple of weeks, and then on the phone for a week or so. It was weird because she would take a long time to reply, and then it took three or so tries calling her to get a hold of her on the phone (even though she said to call at this time). I kind of wrote that all off though since the first date went so well.

    Maybe she's just flaky then? It's up to you whether you want to put up with that kind of thing or not.

    noir_blood on
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    ErandusErandus Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    I wasn't exactly trying to insinuate that you thought she was "yours", but just making sure you understand that your relationship is so new and informal that it hardly counts as a relationship and certainly isn't something to get concerned about.

    Just saying to ease off a little. If she doesn't answer your phone call or your text, leave a message and let her get back to you in her own time. Calling 3 or 4 times or leaving 5 or 6 texts won't help, and it might scare her off if you come across as suddenly clingy and possessive.

    Erandus on
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    ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited July 2008
    You really haven't known this girl long enough to get this worked up over it.

    Plan like you're taking Wednesday. If it doesn't work, you get a half-day that day and you can do something fun with it. After that, just see what happens. My advice to you is this: After Wednesday, don't offer to take off work until you guys have something more serious than a second date. You're allowed to be unavailable at a certain time to do important things like work.. you don't have enough with this girl to work around her to that degree.

    Beyond that, try not to worry about it. You did what you could do.

    ceres on
    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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    TwistedJesterTwistedJester Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    ceres wrote: »
    You really haven't known this girl long enough to get this worked up over it.

    Plan like you're taking Wednesday. If it doesn't work, you get a half-day that day and you can do something fun with it. After that, just see what happens. My advice to you is this: After Wednesday, don't offer to take off work until you guys have something more serious than a second date. You're allowed to be unavailable at a certain time to do important things like work.. you don't have enough with this girl to work around her to that degree.

    Beyond that, try not to worry about it. You did what you could do.
    The problem with taking Wednesday off is that we had no plans beyond that. We didn't even specify a place to meet or what we're doing.

    TwistedJester on
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    PreacherPreacher Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Jester you need to lighten up. You're building this up to something it can't survive. So if nothing happens on wednesday no biggy write her off and move on. If she shows up again cool, but don't get all needy.

    Preacher on
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    EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Did you text her before you met up with her, or only after the date? She may have a shitty text plan -- costs me 10¢ for every text I send or receive -- so if that's the case, you should call her.

    You should talk to her via voice anyway so that you can plan an event. Takes 2 minutes. Takes you longer to type out "hey r we still doing something on wed" on a phone.

    EggyToast on
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    TwistedJesterTwistedJester Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    EggyToast wrote: »
    Did you text her before you met up with her, or only after the date? She may have a shitty text plan -- costs me 10¢ for every text I send or receive -- so if that's the case, you should call her.

    You should talk to her via voice anyway so that you can plan an event. Takes 2 minutes. Takes you longer to type out "hey r we still doing something on wed" on a phone.
    We texted before the date, so I don't think that's the problem here.

    TwistedJester on
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    GermsrosolinoGermsrosolino Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Well, boss, I don't mean to sound aggressive about this at all, but it seems you're coming on pretty strong. It's entirely possible she got freaked by your obvious enthusiasm. Also, judging from some things you said, you probably made it clear you were bothered by her flirtation with the other guy, and not necessarily in a healthy manner. If you want her to be actually interested in you, then you have to show her that you aren't obsessed, and that you can be relaxed. Girls aren't usually looking for stalkers. And if she doesn't contact you when you play it cool and give her some space, then move on, man. It's not meant to be. Best of luck.

    Germsrosolino on
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    SeptusSeptus Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    I don't think he was coming off stronger, from a couple text messages trying to get another date organized. She suggested their initial coffee date go longer, she pulled him in and kissed him that first time, and she invited him to the anime club.

    He doesn't need to be aloof, but he shouldn't text or call her all the time, which I don't think he did.

    But definitely, Jester, don't worry about it too much. Give it a bit more time, and if she can't be bothered to respond to a message or a call, then you're better off.

    Septus on
    PSN: Kurahoshi1
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    MundaneSoulMundaneSoul fight fighter Daehan MingukRegistered User regular
    edited July 2008
    I'm going to say that if this kind of thing is bothering you now, you should probably detach yourself from the situation pretty quickly. I dated a chick like this for a while who was very flaky and I never really knew where we were. It was like that all the time - she's super in to me, then she's totally uninterested, and on and on...

    That said, it may not be the case with this girl. Maybe, as some others have said, there are extenuating circumstances. If the whole hot/cold thing keeps up, though, I'd split. Some dudes can handle that, but I couldn't, and it sounds like you're the same way.

    MundaneSoul on
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    SarcastroSarcastro Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    It just sounds like somethings up with her phone. Maybe she just doesn't give phone stuff the importance that you do. Call her directly, or chat online a bit.

    Also Ima echo the others a bit and say 'relax'. It's just a fun dating thing, don't get too wrapped up in it. Enjoy what you have when you have it, and let things come naturally. Good luck!

    Sarcastro on
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    TwistedJesterTwistedJester Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    So uh, I haven't heard from her, but I thought I'd mention that today is her birthday, so I was figuring I could call her and wish her a happy one without sounding obsessed or anything. Chances are she won't pick up since she'll be working so I figured I'd leave a message saying something like "Hey, it's (insert name here). Just figured I'd call you to wish you a happy birthday and to make sure you haven't died or anything since I haven't talked to you since Friday. I sent you a text or two but I'm not sure if you got them or if you're over your limit or whatever. Anyway, if by chance you didn't get my texts and still wanted to hang out for a bit today, just send me a text and I should be able to step out of work to meet up. If not, you should give me a call sometime to arrange something else. I had a lot of fun Friday and I'd love to see you again soon. Hit me back when you get a chance."

    So... does that sound ok? I figure if she doesn't get back to me after I leave this voice mail then I should just write her off.

    TwistedJester on
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    A-RodA-Rod Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    No it doesnt sound ok.. You sound very needy. Dont bring up how she hasnt gotten back to you and that youll change your whole day for her. You guys are still getting to know each other.

    I think something simple would be just fine.

    "Happy Birthday _x_! Lets get together tonight"

    If she doesnt reply and its been 2 weeks, I personally wouldnt bother trying to get in touch with her anymore.

    A-Rod on
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    TwistedJesterTwistedJester Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    I'm pretty sure she's going out with her coworkers or friends since it's her 21st. So asking her to meet up tonight is probably out of the question.

    TwistedJester on
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    A-RodA-Rod Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    so replace 'tonight' with whatever other night of the week you have in mind.

    A-Rod on
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    TwistedJesterTwistedJester Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Also, I'm not sure if you read the whole thread, but the plan all along was for me to leave work early to meet her today anyway since she's taking classes and working 30 hours a week.

    TwistedJester on
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    ChopperDaveChopperDave Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    "Hey, it's (insert name here). Just figured I'd call to wish you a happy birthday - hope work/school isn't keeping you too busy to enjoy it. Anyway, if you still wanted to hang out for a bit today, just send me a text and I should be able to step out of work to meet up. If not today, just give me a call whenever you're available and we can arrange something else. See you -"

    Everything else seems snarky and/or needy. Try not to be visibly angry or annoyed with her, she won't appreciate it.

    And there's a lot of factors here that neither you or I know about. She could have been expecting you to come on stronger (sexually, at least), and it's confusing for her that you don't just go for a kiss without asking first, or attempt to hold her hand, or something like that (for some girls, not doing stuff like that is a tacit "let's just be friends..."). You could be coming on TOO strong emotionally and she feels crowded. She could be dating other guys. She could be going through a particularly rough time at home/work, and needs time to work through it. She could just be as awkward as you, and afraid to come on too strong herself, or something.

    Most likely, she's probably just really busy. A lot of nerdy girls I've met really don't know how to handle multiple commitments properly, and will put off even talking to a guy they're dating for weeks at a time while they're busy with other things. Then they'll just call you out of the blue and act like no time has passed and that they haven't ignored any of your calls (yes, I've dated one or two girls like this and yes, I'm a little bitter :P).

    Whatever the reason is, don't sweat it. Just take your time, don't get too invested yet, and have fun with her whenever she gets back to you, if she gets back to you - don't trip yourself up by overthinking!

    ChopperDave on
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    TwistedJesterTwistedJester Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Ok, I called pretty much saying what chopper dave said. Thanks for all of the advice guys, I'll post here again if anything happens.

    TwistedJester on
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    TwistedJesterTwistedJester Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Fuuuck.

    She called me back apologizing about not getting back to me, and asked me to go to this 80's dance thing going on at her school.

    I can't dance.


    D:

    TwistedJester on
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    ErandusErandus Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    The important thing is that you try. If you make a jackass out of yourself but are not afraid to do so, she will find that quality attractive.

    Erandus on
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    ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited July 2008
    Agreed. If you try and you're awkward but having fun, that's sometimes more fun than trying and being awesome and bored. Have fun! :D

    ceres on
    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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    Houk the NamebringerHouk the Namebringer Nipples The EchidnaRegistered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Also it doesn't matter if you can't dance at an 80s night. The 80s couldn't dance either.

    Houk the Namebringer on
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    XaquinXaquin Right behind you!Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Fuuuck.

    She called me back apologizing about not getting back to me, and asked me to go to this 80's dance thing going on at her school.

    I can't dance.


    D:

    at least you have your Phil Collins down =)

    seriously though, just go and have fun.

    at least you can dance the slow dances with her.

    Xaquin on
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    OctoparrotOctoparrot Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Houk wrote: »
    Also it doesn't matter if you can't dance at an 80s night. The 80s couldn't dance either.

    I was going to say the same thing. Just dance like you hopped out of your DeLorean, straight from the 80's.

    Octoparrot on
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    Gnome-InterruptusGnome-Interruptus Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Octoparrot wrote: »
    Houk wrote: »

    Also it doesn't matter if you can't dance at an 80s night. The 80s couldn't dance either.

    I was going to say the same thing. Just dance like you hopped out of your DeLorean, straight from the 80's.

    The dancing in The Breakfast Club library wasnt being ironic... they really did dance like that :P

    Gnome-Interruptus on
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    SeptusSeptus Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Oh, and I don't know if there's a reason behind it, but notice that she didn't respond to the texts, but did when you called today.

    I really really dislike texting as anything other than clarification of a time or meeting place. Don't use it to set up dates.

    Septus on
    PSN: Kurahoshi1
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    Gnome-InterruptusGnome-Interruptus Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Septus wrote: »
    Oh, and I don't know if there's a reason behind it, but notice that she didn't respond to the texts, but did when you called today.

    I really really dislike texting as anything other than clarification of a time or meeting place. Don't use it to set up dates.

    I'm the same way, it takes 4+ texts to have half the conversation that a 4 minute call would accomplish and it costs 4x as much.

    Gnome-Interruptus on
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    TwistedJesterTwistedJester Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Ok, so this is awesome and all, and I really do appreciate the advice, but what am I going to wear? I mean... I have a black suit and tie and an old fedora that I used to wear to ska shows with my friend back in the day... that was an 80's fad for a while, right?

    TwistedJester on
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    AeonNightmareAeonNightmare Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    My good man, i think from this point you are fine and are just worrying. She likes you, she has asked you to a dance when it is nearly common knowledge that girls assume men can't dance anyway. Go and have a great time. :P

    AeonNightmare on
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    RaggaholicRaggaholic Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    Oops, wrong place.

    Raggaholic on
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    TwistedJesterTwistedJester Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    My good man, i think from this point you are fine and are just worrying. She likes you, she has asked you to a dance when it is nearly common knowledge that girls assume men can't dance anyway. Go and have a great time. :P
    I realize things are pretty ok now. Still, I don't want to be "that guy" that shows up without a hint of 80's style on him.

    TwistedJester on
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    AeonNightmareAeonNightmare Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    My good man, i think from this point you are fine and are just worrying. She likes you, she has asked you to a dance when it is nearly common knowledge that girls assume men can't dance anyway. Go and have a great time. :P
    I realize things are pretty ok now. Still, I don't want to be "that guy" that shows up without a hint of 80's style on him.

    the title of 'that guy' doesn't apply to this situtation, also, its the 80s, like everything happened at least once back then.

    AeonNightmare on
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    CryogenCryogen Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    We live in the age of internet, man, use the resources available to you!

    Youtube a bunch of 80's songs, Google Image Search a bunch of 80's movies, see what they were wearing, check wardrobe, do something kinda similar. Style your hair in a somewhat 80's fashion (in other words, sleep for a few hours, get up, walk out the door) and go have a good time. Dont worry about dancing badly. Heck, as people have said, if you dance badly at an 80's party you'll be being authentic.

    Cryogen on
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    KingMooKingMoo Registered User regular
    edited July 2008
    My good man, i think from this point you are fine and are just worrying. She likes you, she has asked you to a dance when it is nearly common knowledge that girls assume men can't dance anyway. Go and have a great time. :P
    I realize things are pretty ok now. Still, I don't want to be "that guy" that shows up without a hint of 80's style on him.

    I would suggest that if you're worried about not being "that guy" then do a little research, don't over dress, and make sure you don't sacrifice looking cool for looking authentic.

    KingMoo on
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