Getting over someone/other question.

Lucid

As some have read, I have recently had a harsh breakup. It's been about a week, and I'm looking for what kind of things I can do, or even things to just think about in regards to getting over her. I still really like her even though she never wants to see me again.

I have been hanging out with friends nearly everyday. Talked with them about it intensly the first few days. The only problem is I have this one group of friends and I want to be considerate so as not to exhaust them. Sure they're willing to listen to me, but at this point there's not much to discuss anymore. Analyzed to death now, etc. We do some other hanging out, but it tends to be sitting around. My friends are just kind of like that. I was at a party yesterday, and I had to leave early because I as feeling withdrawn and the feelings I had about my now ex were hitting me pretty roughly. When I sit around I tend to start thinking of my ex and it hurts so I don't like doing that.

I've thought about activities I could do. My friend does yoga so I thought of asking her if I could join her. This is sort of related to another problem though. I don't really have any good male friends. Pretty much all of my friends are women. I kind of have a lack of male bonding skill as a result I think.

There's also the memory stuff that occurs when I walk near somewhere we were together. Is there any subtle tricks I can do with my mind to turn that into something else?

I remember once a few days ago when I was walking alone and I felt the stress of loss bundling up into an emotional ball in my core(emo), I slowly counted from 5 and then let it happen and it lessened the effect. I just watched Jack do it on LOST and it actually worked out fairly well. I am looking for more of this kind of self therapy.

I'm a pretty sensitive guy in some ways, so emotion can mess me up when things like this happen. I'm not crying and moping but dealing with things seems troublesome.

Any other ideas H/A people?

I'm quitting smoking now, and I actually find it easier to think about resisting smoke cravings than resisting thoughts of her. It's odd.

My other sort of question. Is trying to talk to her again in a month or so a really bad idea? I know right now it is, but there's lots of things I've come to see about the relationship through talking with friends that I want to talk to her about, communicate. Things I for whatever reason(like the shock during breakup, or mine and her insecurities before) couldnt before. I have more clarity now. I guess right now I still have that wanting to get back together. I don't want to talk to her for that reason really, even if that part of me does now. That's why I want to wait if I were to. I was speaking with our mutual friend today(he just found out) told him the story, and told me if I need closure I should do it. He even told me Hope but don't hope I guess. Which I suppose he meant, don't completely think of her as gone forever, but don't really think about that possibility too much. He is obviously more of a zen master than I though, as even thinking about getting together again pains me right now. It's like a hope I can logically deny. It's sort of false hope and it's not fair to her or I to have that. I know nothing is ever impossible. It's so confusing right now.

This will be my forum thing. Posting relationship threads. Ha. I love to read everything though.

Dman

Sounds like your having a rough time of it.

We've all been there to varying degrees. After one break up I kinda got depressed and threw most of my spare time into computer games. That definitely didn't help me, so I'm going to advise the opposite. Get outside, go for walks early in the morning, do whatever, just get yourself out there and socialize. It might seem like a hard thing to do but it will be better in the long run.

If you need some closure, then make the phone call and get some.

And that's great that your quitting smoking.

ANTVGM64

I know your exact boat.

Back when I broke up with my girlfriend I had the sudden displeasure of my Best Friend shaking up with her three hours later. So imagine breaking up with a girl then having to see them every time you want to chill with your friend.

Anyway, do these things.

Do not Do not Do not DO NOT look at her myspace/facebook/What have you.

If you hang out with your friends, and have already had the "Dude, I'm going through a rough patch" part of the conversation, don't have it anymore. The more you think about negatives, the more they infect you.

And the feeling you have of wanting to get back together with her is because your bored,lonely, or horny, or something along those lines, Porn and Craigslist are your friend. Go on dates, even if you're "Not ready" to go on dates.

Do not talk about your ex on these dates.

Go to a star bucks, bring your laptop, and start talking to people. Make conversation, make a fool out of yourself. Go to a bar and get drunk and talk to people.

Do NOT call her until you are sure you aren't going to turn into a John Hughes Movie.


These are all the things I WISH I could have done to make my breakup go smoother. There's nothing wrong with missing what you had, but everything you think of something you miss, think of something you don't miss as well.

OremLK

You really just need to distract yourself. It doesn't matter what you do so much as long as it's engaging and doesn't make you think of your ex. (That's the cardinal rule; Don't do anything right now that makes you think of your ex. Don't talk about her, don't look at old emails, as said above don't look at her Facebook--nothing.)

So whatever it is you enjoy, just keep doing that, every time you fall into these negative slumps. Other than that, it just takes time. The distracting yourself is to make your free time pass easier.

ANTVGM64

I took to playing a lot of Madden Football, because you almost HAVE to focus exclusively on that to be any good at it, so if your mind wanders, you lose, so you get in the habit of being focused on it.

RocketSauce

You have an Xbox Live tag? If so, I can add you and we can play some manly games and trash ex-gfs. We need to have Xbox Live therapy groups for people in these H/A girl threads. It'd be so much faster.

LondonBridge

Date again, thats what I did and it was the best therapy ever. Just meeting new girls and having fun with them was such a great experience. Just be sure to not talk about your ex on a first date.

s_86

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Werdna

OremLK wrote: »

You really just need to distract yourself. It doesn't matter what you do so much as long as it's engaging and doesn't make you think of your ex. (That's the cardinal rule; Don't do anything right now that makes you think of your ex. Don't talk about her, don't look at old emails, as said above don't look at her Facebook--nothing.)

So whatever it is you enjoy, just keep doing that, every time you fall into these negative slumps. Other than that, it just takes time. The distracting yourself is to make your free time pass easier.

Agreed. Hit the gym. Even if you are not the gym type. Physically exerting yourself on a daily routine, through excercise is a form of distraction but also allows your body to concern itself with healing and regenerating itself at night. This will do wonders for yourself, as you will be more restful in the evenings and not obsess over your ex.

Lucid

Don't talk about her, don't look at old emails, as said above don't look at her Facebook--nothing.)

I have been doing exactly this. I kind of thought it was a bad idea.Thanks.

I would take you up on xbox live RocketSauce, however she was the one who owned the 360, ha.

Physical activity does seem like a good idea too.

I tried looking on a dating site I'm signed up on, but when I looked over profiles, I kind of was thinking about her too much and it got kind of sad because even if they were attractive they were not her. I also tend to get women check me out who aren't really my type. Supposedly I'm attractive, and this brings out a lot of women with let's say.. less studious pursuits. Or they're far more successful than I.

It's funny how I can actually logically think about things that were wrong with the relationship and stuff I didn't like about her. I even thought about other girls sometimes when we were pretty into each other. Like more than just oh that girl is cute, more like I wonder what a relationship with that girl would like, mini fantasy. Yet, I still miss her a lot.

Speakeasy

Lucid wrote: »

I tried looking on a dating site I'm signed up on, but when I looked over profiles, I kind of was thinking about her too much and it got kind of sad because even if they were attractive they were not her. I also tend to get women check me out who aren't really my type. Supposedly I'm attractive, and this brings out a lot of women with let's say.. less studious pursuits. Or they're far more successful than I.

Get over that shit yesterday. You might miss someone that could potentially be better than her because you are moping around. I know this because it happened to me.

Throw yourself out there, and see what happens. That pulling, agonizing feeling goes away after a bit, and you'll probably meet some cool people.

She was not the one.

Or they're far more successful than I.

So what?

Inquisitor77

Find something productive you've always thought about doing and pick it up. Every time you think about your ex, do that instead. Ever wanted to learn a language? Pick up a martial art? What about (as other people suggested) hitting the gym?

Really, those are just excuses to go out and do something and get yourself back out there. Much better than sitting around moping, and a whole lot more beneficial for you in the long run, too. The truth is, nothing will help you but time and distance. Time, as they say, heals all wounds.

Grenn

Most of this is already covered but, I'll throw in my 2p...

The main thing is to understand that it's natural to feel shit about breakups - you have all these connections, these threads of commonality between you and your ex, and you're slowly going through the process of breaking away from them.

It might sound daft but this is something that helped me with a couple of breakups - thinking about it as a natural process. It's not the end of the world, it's just a difficult process of change. If makes no sense to want to be with someone who doesn't reciprocate those feelings, therefore the relationship has come to its natural end. It's time for you to move on.

DON'T let your mind play tricks on you (stressing about where she is, who she's with), and don't dwell on the past. Understand that you are going through a process and are going to come out the other side a better, stronger man for it. Dwell on the future.

During a breakup of my own, I decided to take a long look at myself, remind myself of my good points and improve on the bad. I worked harder and started eating better. It gave me such a kick up the arse that I ended up feeling glad that the breakup happened.

Stopping smoking is great idea and you will feel AWESOME for doing it.

Exercise! What a great thing it is. Go for a run, swimming, hit the gym, bike ride. It will help to clear your mind and shake off some cobwebs. You'll feel better.

Don't feel the need to throw yourself back into dating again. In fact I would suggest you regain and strengthen your independence. Grab life by the balls. Sometimes a breakup ends up being the best thing to happen to you.

Hang in there mate, you'll be 'right.

OremLK

I agree with Grenn that forcibly taking up dating again is not at all necessary. If you do it at all, do it as a distraction, not a replacement for your ex. Very casual.

But even then, why mix in more emotions when you're still trying to get over and sort out the ones from your previous relationship?

Find something engaging and do it. If that's dating casually, okay, but I would think of it as one of many options, where your ultimate goal is to distance yourself from the breakup and regain your equilibrium as a person.

Trowizilla

It really doesn't sound like you need to be dating. Give yourself some time to heal, man; you just broke off a bunch of mental threads linking you to her, so let yourself grieve for a bit.

Your friends really can help if you're feeling depressed. Suggest that you all go out someplace new and just sort of bask in their company, even if you're feeling a little withdrawn. They're your friends, they won't be upset if you're a little quiet some night. Go see an awesome movie, preferably one with explosions. Go putt-putting and have a who-can-get-away-with-cheating-the-most contest. Just be around them, even if you're feeling sad.

Another suggestion: volunteer work, preferably rather intense volunteer work. Go help out Habitat for Humanity or something. Altruism + hard physical labor will leave you feeling good about yourself and too tired to lay awake at night. Plus, you'll meet other girls, particularly the kind of girls who do volunteer work, so they'll start out with a point in their favor for when you're ready to date again.