So a couple summers ago I took an 'adventure/community' service trip to Costa Rica. The plan was to white water raft, kayak and hike, all through magnificent rivers and rainforests, including a gorgeous cloud forest. We also fixed up a school out in the mountains and helped some scientists at a biological research station deep in the rainforest. Basically, it was amazing. I had the time of my life.
The people were great too. The trip had a little under 20 people and a few leaders. I made friends with just about everyone in the group and was known as the resident comedian. I made everyone laugh at least once, leaders included. The makeup of the group was a bit odd - 13 girls and 6 guys and a LOT of jews. Over half of the girls were jewish (or at least half jewish) and all of the guys but me were. One day we were lounging about in an elevated campsite, shooting the breeze in some hammocks. Again, the location was like paradise. We were situated by the Paquare river and surrouned by lush, beautiful rain forest. So anyway, some of the older kids (I was a rising junior in high school at this time) were talking about sex so I decided to join in. I jokingly said - Hey, I bet since I'm the only non Jew here, I'm the only uncircumcised one too!
There was a slight pause followed by - "I wanna see it!" Before long most of the girls wanted me to whip out my wang. None of them had seen a wrinkly penis before. I tried to describe what it looked like, but to no avail. Their curiosity had to be sated. And so, with their persistence and my love of attention, I did end up whipping it out to most of the girls on that trip. I remember the time fondly - not only did I teach many women not to fear an uncut cock, but I had a great time too. (and i totally fell for a dude on that trip, but that's another story. regretably, he did not show me his junk.)
Casual Eddy on
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JacobkoshGamble a stamp.I can show you how to be a real man!Moderatormod
edited July 2007
ins0mniac's reminded me of one. Mine isn't that great, but I'm sure I'll remember others. Anyway:
I'm in town to visit my girlfriend, whom I hadn't seen in months, and while I was waiting at the terminal for her we'd been exchanging some texts. So my phone beeps with another message, and without even glancing at it I hit reply and type in "so I say screw the hotel, let's just fuck in your car"
The reply comes back pretty much instantly. "what". I squint at the display and oh hey it's my friend's girlfriend's number, hahaha. She'd picked an interesting time to ask if I was free that day.
Thankfully it had a happy ending. "sorry, that was meant for someone else", I wrote. "oh k have fun w the car," I get back. And we've never spoken of it again.
First of all, let me preface this by saying that my current boyfriend likes to not wear clothes, which was something I'd heard about from many people both before and after we began to date. All of his guy friends were always telling me how often they'd seen him completely naked. I took it with a grain of salt. Whatever.
We'd been dating for just a couple of months, and we are out to lunch with his parents. His mom is telling me what he was like when he was a tiny little kid (you know, how moms like to do). We're talking stories of him breaking into his sister's room and destroying things, and the like.
She finishes up a story and ends it with something along the lines of "It was just so hard to keep him clothed. He loved to take his clothes off when he was little."
My reply? "Yeah, it's still hard to get him to keep clothes on."
I wasn't speaking from experience, I was talking about what I'd heard. But...oops.
He told me later his mom said something like, "Honey, whatever you do, just make sure you're safe."
So now his mom thinks she knows what we're up to...when it's not actually true.D:
Wow, this thread is sweet in terms of horribly awkward moments. I definitely can add to this lunacy, but I'm not sure what I want to post first. Would you all like to hear about:
1. My creepy college roommate and his obsession with creating a Britney Spears deer-woman;
2. The time I walked naked in front of a girls basketball team;
3. My faux-pas with my ex-girlfriend and her mother's huge ass OR
4. My ha-ha-happy 21th Birthday (aka, where am I, and where are my pants)
Taco Bell does win the franchise war according to the tome of knowledge that is Demolition Man. However, I've watched Demolition Man more then a few times and never once did I see WoW. In conclusion Taco Bell has more lasting power then WoW.
First, a bit of background. I dated a nice young girl (we'll call her "M") for about four years while I was in law school. While I had nothing against her dad or her brothers, her mom was crazier than the proverbial shithouse rat.
For example, she would refer to herself in the third person as "Mother". Like "Mother says it's time for dinner" or "Mother wants your attention". She didn't do it for dramatic effect: she did it all the damn time. M's mother also talked in awkwardly long rambling sentences with no beginning or end. Literally it would take her a minute to ask you to pass the potatoes.
Worse of all, however, was her huge ass. Huge isn't even the right word for it. Gigantic, Ginormous, Galactic all seem more appropriate (yet insufficient) to describe the scope of her backside. Literally, it extended out about four inches past her hips and at a good foot from her back. Sir Mix-A-Lot would spin in his grave if he ever saw this booty. She wasn't overweight otherwise, but her ass was so freakin' big. For the older crowd, a couple of years ago there was a Bud Light commercial about a guy, his girlfriend, her mother and her huge ass: it was like that, only bigger.
One fine evening, after we were done having dinner with her parents, M & myself were in the kitchen by ourselves doing the dishes and horsing around. She would hip-check me, I would tickle her, so on and so forth. The game escalated, and for my final strike I pretended to be drying dishes with my back turned, but when I thought I saw M bend over to get something out of the cabinets, I reached back and gave her an over-the-top exaggerated ass-slap to end all ass-slaps, punctuated with a enthusiastic "Yeah Baby!"
Only it wasn't M bending over to get something out of the cabinets. It was her mom. I had just slapped her mom's big buttock.
With M standing next to her.
With M's brothers at the dining room table.
With M's dad watching from the doorway.
And it wasn't a cute little love tap either. It was a sharp open-palm slap. It made a very audible slapping noise. Worse still, my hand...well, it lingered for a half-second longer than any innocent hand should linger on a unfamiliar ass should, and maybe I got a good squeeze. I'm not sure, because shock had set in.
To this day I don't know how I couldn't see that wasn't M bending over. Maybe God decided he needed a good laugh and just tinkered with reality ever so slightly. Maybe I was blinded by the sheer size of her ass. Maybe, some deep, dark ass-lovin' demonic force inside me compelled me to slap it. I don't know, but what I do know it that for one awful second, my hand was firmly planted on the biggest booty I have ever witnessed, which belonged to my girlfreind's mother, right in front of her entire family.
what, pray tell, was her reaction? and the family's?
At first, there was no reaction. The house hung in dead silence after the thunderous crack of that ass-slap. To me, it felt like three years, but I'm sure it only lasted 30 seconds. M's jaw was literally on the ground. Her brothers were looking at me like I'd had grown a second head. M's father was looking at me with a mix of disbelief and rage. Her mom just stood there, immobile as a statue, bent over, ponderous posterior protruding in mom jeans. It was weird.
I think (after I removed my hand from her big booty) that I mumbled some excuse about not seeing her there, but that really wasn't going to cut it. Another lengthy, painful silence followed. I was dead in the water. M immediately went into blind panic mode, decided she had an important paper due the next morning...even thought it was a Saturday night...on Christmas break. Lame excuse: yes, but thank the Good Lord it got us moving. She grabbed me by the arm (I was numb at this point), gave her mom a hug (she was still bent over, like she expected me to do it again), gave her dad a hug, gave her brothers hugs, grabbed our coats and ran/dragged me to the door in under a minute.
On the way home, the phrase "I can't believe I/you slapped your/my mom in the ass" was repeated about 10 times every mile, as if saying it would reverse time.
Afterwards, there was a eerie sort of silence surrounding the 'smack heard round the world. Whenever myself and her family would be together the air got a bit thicker, everyone kind of avoided the subject, no one really said anything or made extended eye contact.
It reminds me of when I took my friend (an Italian exchange student) to the airport to pick up his girlfriend. Due to the whole security thing, we pretty much did rounds of the bottom floor looking for them. Eventually they called his cellphone and we told them we'd wait at Baggage Claim. Now, this is SFO so it's a bit chilly/wet around November. So a lot of people are covered up for the most part. Eventually we hear a girl call out my friends name and he perks up and dashes to the girl and starts to kiss her....except...it wasn't his girlfriend.
Apparently, she decided to bring her sister to enjoy California and it didn't cross his mind that she had cut/dyed her hair to match his girlfriend. We were pretty silent for a while until I keeled over and started to laugh it up.
Literally? Because that would mean she was lying down and making no attempt to get up, the floor rises up at very weird angles, or she has the most bizarre bone structure in the history of mankind.
Someone might have punched her so hard her jaw came apart from her skull and fell to the floor. That'll teach her for laughing at her mother's embarassment!
It reminds me of when I took my friend (an Italian exchange student) to the airport to pick up his girlfriend. Due to the whole security thing, we pretty much did rounds of the bottom floor looking for them. Eventually they called his cellphone and we told them we'd wait at Baggage Claim. Now, this is SFO so it's a bit chilly/wet around November. So a lot of people are covered up for the most part. Eventually we hear a girl call out my friends name and he perks up and dashes to the girl and starts to kiss her....except...it wasn't his girlfriend.
Apparently, she decided to bring her sister to enjoy California and it didn't cross his mind that she had cut/dyed her hair to match his girlfriend. We were pretty silent for a while until I keeled over and started to laugh it up.
The sister did a big gasp. And just stared at the girlfriend when she walked up. I didn't really hear what exactly they said cuz I was laughing. He felt bad and apologized to them both when we were driving back. I eventually explained for him that they changed their looks and so it can be easily mistaken.
Either way, they ended up breaking up a few months later for whatever stupid emo reason they came up with.
My sister-in-law just sent me a picture of last year's family Christmas party. I don't remember much of the night, as I was quite inebriated. From what I understand, however, I was in the front yard and for some reason I ended up dry-humping an inflatable reindeer. I guess this is why I haven't been invited to any more family get togethers since. Needless to say, I was quite surprised and embarrassed the next morning.
My sister-in-law just sent me a picture of last year's family Christmas party. I don't remember much of the night, as I was quite inebriated. From what I understand, however, I was in the front yard and for some reason I ended up dry-humping an inflatable reindeer. I guess this is why I haven't been invited to any more family get togethers since. Needless to say, I was quite surprised and embarrassed the next morning.
i have a story that was wonderful for me, but embarrassing for a good friend and his mother. Oh yes, his mother
me, this friend, and about 4 other mates are hanging out at the friends house. We'd been outside the whole time, nobody had cracked a door. well, after an hour or so we all decide it's time to go hunting for food. So we walk into the garage, and i'm first in line so i open the door to the house. i stood blocking the way for about 10 seconds, then turned around and closed the door, white faced.
the friend says "what the hell, is someone naked in there?"
long pause
"your mom."
she was doing laundry right inside the door. bare-ass naked. she was facing me when i came in, and facing away when i finally backed out. thank god she was a milf.
Seaborn111 on
</bush>
It's impossible for us to without a doubt prove the non-existence of God. We just have to take it on faith that he's imaginary..
So many to tell… I love this thread though so here goes:
Growing up, not so much now it seems, I was one of those guys that could pretty much hang out with any group of people. I got along well with most of the rich kids, poor kids, nerds, hippies, thugs, class clowns… you name em and I could be friends with em. This is good and bad as you tend to pick up a lot of the bad habbits from more than one clique.
I don’t live in a big town by any means but I think all towns have what’s called “the other side of the tracks†and that’s where I always seemed to live. If there was a “ghetto†or “white trash†area in a town we moved to rest assured that I lived very close to it. Because of this close proximity in High School I ended up being friends with one of those guys in school that you don’t mouth off to or he’ll punk you our or just kick your head in. He was a black guy (this is important later). Well I used to walk to and from school before I got my license and was walking home one day. Jonathon rolls up with some of his friends and asks me if I want a ride. I look in and I know the guys that he’s with, some have graduated, all are black and all take no crap from people. I think meh… I’m cool with these guys so I hop in.
Well when I get in I have to sit in the middle of the backseat. There are now six of us in this car and I’m the only white person. But as I said no biggie. Well they are talking about a previous friend that I had named Corey. It seems over the summer that Corey (who is half black) went a little off the deep end and tried to stab his parents and little sister so they shipped him off to some kind of mental place. They talk for a few minutes about this and I’m really anxious to put my two cents in so that I could be “coolâ€. So at a small lull in the conversation I said (I have to quote or it won’t be funny), “Ya that Corey is one crazy n****.â€
Silence.
I stammered out something like, “You know what it’s like hanging around you guys. I’m picking up the lingo, trying to fit in, yadda yadda yadda.†I’m desperately thinking about anything I can do to make these guys not beat me Rodney King style cause I see it coming.
Without missing a beat Jonathon looks me dead in the face and says, “You’re scared out of your fucking mind aren’t you?†To which I reply like a little girl, “um… kinda yeah.†And then they all bust out laughing so hard they have to stop the car cause the driver is about to wreck. At that point I knew I was cool and they were okay with me. For the rest of the year I was Scared Whitey. Meh… I’ll take a nickname over a head crackin any day.
i'm at a bar with a couple of friends. we're all not sober, and one of my friends, let's call him jim because that's his name, hadn't been feeling great. so i get up to go to the can. so i'm there, doing what i went in there to do, and all of a sudden jim comes slamming through the door and runs towards the stalls. they're all closed. so he busts one down and just throws up all over the guy sitting down in there. there was a brief pause, probably an uncomfortable one, then jim slugs the guy on the can right in the face and leaves. at this point, i am perplexed and know not what to say.
so i go back out, in a hurry, and find that jim and my other friend have left the building. i catch up with them outside, and i ask jim what exactly he punched that poor man for. he said that if someone broke into his stall while he was taking a shit and threw up all over him, he'd want to hit the guy. so essentially, jim's punch was a pre-emptive thing.
it makes a certain amount of sense, i guess.
I can't stop laughing and people at work think I'm crazy now. Thanks.
I've posted this story before, in another thread, but this is probably the single moment in the last few years that has convinced em humanity is in dire need of a great purging.
So, it's Easter weekend and my mom comes down to visit me at college (my college is about a three/three and a half hour drive from my house, so usually she comes to see me once a quarter). My roommate and his girlfriend had been sexing it up in my room the night before, but this was a not uncommon occurrence and I slept through it.
So, it's early Easter Sunday and I get up about 10AM to shower and do some cleaning before my mom showed up. After I get out of the shower and get changed, he and his girl were making out. Well, my mom shows up about twenty minutes later, and she walks into the room and we start talking.
My roomie and his girlfriend don't stop making out, and pretty much move right into the sexings with my mom still in the room. We left quietly, and marveled about how fucked up my roomie was.
This thread deserves to return from the dead, because it is awesome, and because I have two new stories to contribute.
Setup: I'm in Toronto for a weekend with my parents, whom I haven't seen in a while.
#1
We went to this restaurant for dinner. They were full, so they put us on a waiting list and gave us an electronic coaster that lights up and vibrates when our table is ready. I was holding on to it. My dad, who wasn't around when they gave us the coaster, found me and my mom waiting outside the restaurant.
Dad: "Why are you waiting here?"
Mom: "Restaurant's full. We're waiting for our turn."
Dad: "So how will we know when it's our turn from out here?"
Mom: "They gave us a vibrator."
Me: :?
#2
After dinner, feeling tired, we return to our hotel. We were sharing a room. We were sitting on the beds, watching TV, relaxing and slowly dozing off.
Dad: "We haven't seen each other in a long time. Don't you feel like talking?"
Me: "Sure. What do you want to talk about."
Dad: "Do you ever have trouble peeing? Do you feel a burning sensation?"
Me:
Dad: "I've noticed you take a long time in the washrooms."
Me: "I don't have problems peeing."
Dad: "Well, if you do, you should go see a doctor. Don't let it go on. Especially if you feel it burns."
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JacobkoshGamble a stamp.I can show you how to be a real man!Moderatormod
edited September 2007
Richy:
Your dad. He means well, but man, I bet actual burning pee would be less uncomfortable.
So I've got one. This was probably the most awkward moment in my life, with the possible exception of that time I mistook another Chinese woman at the grocery store for my mom.
I started going out with my boyfriend in my first term at college. During the following Spring break, I went home to visit my parents. Over the dinner table, I started talking about shampoos for whatever reason. Then my dad comments that my hair wasn't as thick and dark as it was before. I was like, "Ok, whatever." He then says, with a straight face, "I bet it's from having too much sex."
So I've got one. This was probably the most awkward moment in my life, with the possible exception of that time I mistook another Chinese woman at the grocery store for my mom.
I started going out with my boyfriend in my first term at college. During the following Spring break, I went home to visit my parents. Over the dinner table, I started talking about shampoos for whatever reason. Then my dad comments that my hair wasn't as thick and dark as it was before. I was like, "Ok, whatever." He then says, with a straight face, "I bet it's from having too much sex."
I've told this one before, but it is gold, so here we go:
A couple years before this incident, I was GMing Shadowrun with some friends. One of them was trying to seduce this chick to get information, and I ended up having him roll to see how well he did in the sack. He critically failed. The graphic details of the results of this roll are not pertinent (and I don't remember all of them anyway,) but "Critical failure!" became our new catchword for crashing and burning with a member of the fairer sex.
Three years pass.
I go to a party with the same group of guys, we're having fun, yadda yadda. One of them is trying to get some girl's number, and she very obviously comes up with some bullshit so she doesn't have to give it out - something like "I, err, just got a new phone and I don't remember the number and it's at my house so I can't look it up." I point - one of those weird silences falls over the room - and I say, far louder than necessary since evidently every converstaion between forty people was in the same lull - "Ha ha! Critical failure!"
And every eye in the room turns towards me.
Not to be outdone, I murmur "Roll will save vs. mortal embarassment," pantomime rolling dice, then thrust both fists in the air and cheer "success!"
I then proceeded to get the fuck out of there.
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JacobkoshGamble a stamp.I can show you how to be a real man!Moderatormod
I've been holding this one in for a while, but since you guys have been so honest, it's only fair to share.
When I was in high school I tried to have a talk with my mom about sex. The conversation went something like this:
Me: I've heard that sex hurts the first time you have it.
Mom: You don't need to be having sex. Why don't you try masturbating?
Me:
Mom: You know, everyone thinks that women can't masturbate! In society it's only okay to masturbate if you have a penis!
Me: That's okay, I'm really fine.
Mom: No no no! What you need is a vibrator!
Me: O_o
Mom: I'm going to get you a vibrator for Christmas! Don't worry, I won't put it under the tree if you don't want me to.
Me:
It took five minutes to convince my mom NOT to get me a vibrator. I'm glad, since otherwise that would have been the most awkward Christmas ever. (Not that vibrators are bad or anything. I just didn't want one from my mom)
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The people were great too. The trip had a little under 20 people and a few leaders. I made friends with just about everyone in the group and was known as the resident comedian. I made everyone laugh at least once, leaders included. The makeup of the group was a bit odd - 13 girls and 6 guys and a LOT of jews. Over half of the girls were jewish (or at least half jewish) and all of the guys but me were. One day we were lounging about in an elevated campsite, shooting the breeze in some hammocks. Again, the location was like paradise. We were situated by the Paquare river and surrouned by lush, beautiful rain forest. So anyway, some of the older kids (I was a rising junior in high school at this time) were talking about sex so I decided to join in. I jokingly said - Hey, I bet since I'm the only non Jew here, I'm the only uncircumcised one too!
There was a slight pause followed by - "I wanna see it!" Before long most of the girls wanted me to whip out my wang. None of them had seen a wrinkly penis before. I tried to describe what it looked like, but to no avail. Their curiosity had to be sated. And so, with their persistence and my love of attention, I did end up whipping it out to most of the girls on that trip. I remember the time fondly - not only did I teach many women not to fear an uncut cock, but I had a great time too. (and i totally fell for a dude on that trip, but that's another story. regretably, he did not show me his junk.)
I'm in town to visit my girlfriend, whom I hadn't seen in months, and while I was waiting at the terminal for her we'd been exchanging some texts. So my phone beeps with another message, and without even glancing at it I hit reply and type in "so I say screw the hotel, let's just fuck in your car"
The reply comes back pretty much instantly. "what". I squint at the display and oh hey it's my friend's girlfriend's number, hahaha. She'd picked an interesting time to ask if I was free that day.
Thankfully it had a happy ending. "sorry, that was meant for someone else", I wrote. "oh k have fun w the car," I get back. And we've never spoken of it again.
So, to recap: you're in a tropical paradise, surrounded by women who want to see your penis.
And you're gay.
Such a wasted opportunity.
We'd been dating for just a couple of months, and we are out to lunch with his parents. His mom is telling me what he was like when he was a tiny little kid (you know, how moms like to do). We're talking stories of him breaking into his sister's room and destroying things, and the like.
She finishes up a story and ends it with something along the lines of "It was just so hard to keep him clothed. He loved to take his clothes off when he was little."
My reply? "Yeah, it's still hard to get him to keep clothes on."
I wasn't speaking from experience, I was talking about what I'd heard. But...oops.
He told me later his mom said something like, "Honey, whatever you do, just make sure you're safe."
So now his mom thinks she knows what we're up to...when it's not actually true.D:
I had almost the exact same thing happen to me while fixing my father's laptop. I've never told him, and I don't fix his computers any more.
They weren't just of him, either
1. My creepy college roommate and his obsession with creating a Britney Spears deer-woman;
2. The time I walked naked in front of a girls basketball team;
3. My faux-pas with my ex-girlfriend and her mother's huge ass OR
4. My ha-ha-happy 21th Birthday (aka, where am I, and where are my pants)
First person to pick gets the win.
It's also a good idea to avoid Google if you're using a borrowed laptop. You really just don't want to know.
Oh the irony was not lost on me.
First, a bit of background. I dated a nice young girl (we'll call her "M") for about four years while I was in law school. While I had nothing against her dad or her brothers, her mom was crazier than the proverbial shithouse rat.
For example, she would refer to herself in the third person as "Mother". Like "Mother says it's time for dinner" or "Mother wants your attention". She didn't do it for dramatic effect: she did it all the damn time. M's mother also talked in awkwardly long rambling sentences with no beginning or end. Literally it would take her a minute to ask you to pass the potatoes.
Worse of all, however, was her huge ass. Huge isn't even the right word for it. Gigantic, Ginormous, Galactic all seem more appropriate (yet insufficient) to describe the scope of her backside. Literally, it extended out about four inches past her hips and at a good foot from her back. Sir Mix-A-Lot would spin in his grave if he ever saw this booty. She wasn't overweight otherwise, but her ass was so freakin' big. For the older crowd, a couple of years ago there was a Bud Light commercial about a guy, his girlfriend, her mother and her huge ass: it was like that, only bigger.
One fine evening, after we were done having dinner with her parents, M & myself were in the kitchen by ourselves doing the dishes and horsing around. She would hip-check me, I would tickle her, so on and so forth. The game escalated, and for my final strike I pretended to be drying dishes with my back turned, but when I thought I saw M bend over to get something out of the cabinets, I reached back and gave her an over-the-top exaggerated ass-slap to end all ass-slaps, punctuated with a enthusiastic "Yeah Baby!"
Only it wasn't M bending over to get something out of the cabinets. It was her mom. I had just slapped her mom's big buttock.
With M standing next to her.
With M's brothers at the dining room table.
With M's dad watching from the doorway.
And it wasn't a cute little love tap either. It was a sharp open-palm slap. It made a very audible slapping noise. Worse still, my hand...well, it lingered for a half-second longer than any innocent hand should linger on a unfamiliar ass should, and maybe I got a good squeeze. I'm not sure, because shock had set in.
To this day I don't know how I couldn't see that wasn't M bending over. Maybe God decided he needed a good laugh and just tinkered with reality ever so slightly. Maybe I was blinded by the sheer size of her ass. Maybe, some deep, dark ass-lovin' demonic force inside me compelled me to slap it. I don't know, but what I do know it that for one awful second, my hand was firmly planted on the biggest booty I have ever witnessed, which belonged to my girlfreind's mother, right in front of her entire family.
I get the impression that, titanic as it was, it was not a particularly nice booty.
No, my friend, it was not.
stout's Amazon Wishlist | my lastFM
At first, there was no reaction. The house hung in dead silence after the thunderous crack of that ass-slap. To me, it felt like three years, but I'm sure it only lasted 30 seconds. M's jaw was literally on the ground. Her brothers were looking at me like I'd had grown a second head. M's father was looking at me with a mix of disbelief and rage. Her mom just stood there, immobile as a statue, bent over, ponderous posterior protruding in mom jeans. It was weird.
I think (after I removed my hand from her big booty) that I mumbled some excuse about not seeing her there, but that really wasn't going to cut it. Another lengthy, painful silence followed. I was dead in the water. M immediately went into blind panic mode, decided she had an important paper due the next morning...even thought it was a Saturday night...on Christmas break. Lame excuse: yes, but thank the Good Lord it got us moving. She grabbed me by the arm (I was numb at this point), gave her mom a hug (she was still bent over, like she expected me to do it again), gave her dad a hug, gave her brothers hugs, grabbed our coats and ran/dragged me to the door in under a minute.
On the way home, the phrase "I can't believe I/you slapped your/my mom in the ass" was repeated about 10 times every mile, as if saying it would reverse time.
Afterwards, there was a eerie sort of silence surrounding the 'smack heard round the world. Whenever myself and her family would be together the air got a bit thicker, everyone kind of avoided the subject, no one really said anything or made extended eye contact.
It reminds me of when I took my friend (an Italian exchange student) to the airport to pick up his girlfriend. Due to the whole security thing, we pretty much did rounds of the bottom floor looking for them. Eventually they called his cellphone and we told them we'd wait at Baggage Claim. Now, this is SFO so it's a bit chilly/wet around November. So a lot of people are covered up for the most part. Eventually we hear a girl call out my friends name and he perks up and dashes to the girl and starts to kiss her....except...it wasn't his girlfriend.
Apparently, she decided to bring her sister to enjoy California and it didn't cross his mind that she had cut/dyed her hair to match his girlfriend. We were pretty silent for a while until I keeled over and started to laugh it up.
Literally? Because that would mean she was lying down and making no attempt to get up, the floor rises up at very weird angles, or she has the most bizarre bone structure in the history of mankind.
So, was her jaw literally on the ground?
By a long shot.
Wow.
That was pretty funny though
The sister did a big gasp. And just stared at the girlfriend when she walked up. I didn't really hear what exactly they said cuz I was laughing. He felt bad and apologized to them both when we were driving back. I eventually explained for him that they changed their looks and so it can be easily mistaken.
Either way, they ended up breaking up a few months later for whatever stupid emo reason they came up with.
Deer rape
Jim Beam is a cruel mistress.
How's Athan doing?
He's so great his ghost literally exploded with happiness. Ghostly bits of gristle and organs were everywhere.
Awesome.
me, this friend, and about 4 other mates are hanging out at the friends house. We'd been outside the whole time, nobody had cracked a door. well, after an hour or so we all decide it's time to go hunting for food. So we walk into the garage, and i'm first in line so i open the door to the house. i stood blocking the way for about 10 seconds, then turned around and closed the door, white faced.
the friend says "what the hell, is someone naked in there?"
long pause
"your mom."
she was doing laundry right inside the door. bare-ass naked. she was facing me when i came in, and facing away when i finally backed out. thank god she was a milf.
Growing up, not so much now it seems, I was one of those guys that could pretty much hang out with any group of people. I got along well with most of the rich kids, poor kids, nerds, hippies, thugs, class clowns… you name em and I could be friends with em. This is good and bad as you tend to pick up a lot of the bad habbits from more than one clique.
I don’t live in a big town by any means but I think all towns have what’s called “the other side of the tracks†and that’s where I always seemed to live. If there was a “ghetto†or “white trash†area in a town we moved to rest assured that I lived very close to it. Because of this close proximity in High School I ended up being friends with one of those guys in school that you don’t mouth off to or he’ll punk you our or just kick your head in. He was a black guy (this is important later). Well I used to walk to and from school before I got my license and was walking home one day. Jonathon rolls up with some of his friends and asks me if I want a ride. I look in and I know the guys that he’s with, some have graduated, all are black and all take no crap from people. I think meh… I’m cool with these guys so I hop in.
Well when I get in I have to sit in the middle of the backseat. There are now six of us in this car and I’m the only white person. But as I said no biggie. Well they are talking about a previous friend that I had named Corey. It seems over the summer that Corey (who is half black) went a little off the deep end and tried to stab his parents and little sister so they shipped him off to some kind of mental place. They talk for a few minutes about this and I’m really anxious to put my two cents in so that I could be “coolâ€. So at a small lull in the conversation I said (I have to quote or it won’t be funny), “Ya that Corey is one crazy n****.â€
Silence.
I stammered out something like, “You know what it’s like hanging around you guys. I’m picking up the lingo, trying to fit in, yadda yadda yadda.†I’m desperately thinking about anything I can do to make these guys not beat me Rodney King style cause I see it coming.
Without missing a beat Jonathon looks me dead in the face and says, “You’re scared out of your fucking mind aren’t you?†To which I reply like a little girl, “um… kinda yeah.†And then they all bust out laughing so hard they have to stop the car cause the driver is about to wreck. At that point I knew I was cool and they were okay with me. For the rest of the year I was Scared Whitey. Meh… I’ll take a nickname over a head crackin any day.
Mod Note: That word is not allowed in this forum.
I can't stop laughing and people at work think I'm crazy now. Thanks.
So, it's Easter weekend and my mom comes down to visit me at college (my college is about a three/three and a half hour drive from my house, so usually she comes to see me once a quarter). My roommate and his girlfriend had been sexing it up in my room the night before, but this was a not uncommon occurrence and I slept through it.
So, it's early Easter Sunday and I get up about 10AM to shower and do some cleaning before my mom showed up. After I get out of the shower and get changed, he and his girl were making out. Well, my mom shows up about twenty minutes later, and she walks into the room and we start talking.
My roomie and his girlfriend don't stop making out, and pretty much move right into the sexings with my mom still in the room. We left quietly, and marveled about how fucked up my roomie was.
Setup: I'm in Toronto for a weekend with my parents, whom I haven't seen in a while.
#1
We went to this restaurant for dinner. They were full, so they put us on a waiting list and gave us an electronic coaster that lights up and vibrates when our table is ready. I was holding on to it. My dad, who wasn't around when they gave us the coaster, found me and my mom waiting outside the restaurant.
Dad: "Why are you waiting here?"
Mom: "Restaurant's full. We're waiting for our turn."
Dad: "So how will we know when it's our turn from out here?"
Mom: "They gave us a vibrator."
Me: :?
#2
After dinner, feeling tired, we return to our hotel. We were sharing a room. We were sitting on the beds, watching TV, relaxing and slowly dozing off.
Dad: "We haven't seen each other in a long time. Don't you feel like talking?"
Me: "Sure. What do you want to talk about."
Dad: "Do you ever have trouble peeing? Do you feel a burning sensation?"
Me:
Dad: "I've noticed you take a long time in the washrooms."
Me: "I don't have problems peeing."
Dad: "Well, if you do, you should go see a doctor. Don't let it go on. Especially if you feel it burns."
Your dad. He means well, but man, I bet actual burning pee would be less uncomfortable.
I started going out with my boyfriend in my first term at college. During the following Spring break, I went home to visit my parents. Over the dinner table, I started talking about shampoos for whatever reason. Then my dad comments that my hair wasn't as thick and dark as it was before. I was like, "Ok, whatever." He then says, with a straight face, "I bet it's from having too much sex."
Me:
Well was it?
3DS: 2852-6809-9411
A couple years before this incident, I was GMing Shadowrun with some friends. One of them was trying to seduce this chick to get information, and I ended up having him roll to see how well he did in the sack. He critically failed. The graphic details of the results of this roll are not pertinent (and I don't remember all of them anyway,) but "Critical failure!" became our new catchword for crashing and burning with a member of the fairer sex.
Three years pass.
I go to a party with the same group of guys, we're having fun, yadda yadda. One of them is trying to get some girl's number, and she very obviously comes up with some bullshit so she doesn't have to give it out - something like "I, err, just got a new phone and I don't remember the number and it's at my house so I can't look it up." I point - one of those weird silences falls over the room - and I say, far louder than necessary since evidently every converstaion between forty people was in the same lull - "Ha ha! Critical failure!"
And every eye in the room turns towards me.
Not to be outdone, I murmur "Roll will save vs. mortal embarassment," pantomime rolling dice, then thrust both fists in the air and cheer "success!"
I then proceeded to get the fuck out of there.
When I was in high school I tried to have a talk with my mom about sex. The conversation went something like this:
Me: I've heard that sex hurts the first time you have it.
Mom: You don't need to be having sex. Why don't you try masturbating?
Me:
Mom: You know, everyone thinks that women can't masturbate! In society it's only okay to masturbate if you have a penis!
Me: That's okay, I'm really fine.
Mom: No no no! What you need is a vibrator!
Me: O_o
Mom: I'm going to get you a vibrator for Christmas! Don't worry, I won't put it under the tree if you don't want me to.
Me:
It took five minutes to convince my mom NOT to get me a vibrator. I'm glad, since otherwise that would have been the most awkward Christmas ever. (Not that vibrators are bad or anything. I just didn't want one from my mom)
And I asked her.
"Well, how come I'm not your type?"