Ecoterrorism is actually the single largest terrorist threat at the moment. They don't usually kill people, but they blow up or set on fire very expensive things.
One of my buddies in college decides to live it up when we are on a band trip.
Youthful Rebellion and all that.
So after the game, we are all drinking and relaxing in the hotel room.
Buddy decides to drink, smoke, and dip for the first time.
And of course being responsible college students we were drinking not beer, but hard alcohol (Everclear or Wild Turkey).
He proceeds to get shitfaced, and turns green from the combo of dip and cig smoke. Manages to hold it together for the most part most of the night.
We load up on the bus to head back to school, and he turns this crazy like purplish green color and runs to the restroom in the back of the bus.
It all caught up with him and from the sound and smell of it he starts puking in the toilet, and then his ass pretty much exploded. The noises were hilarious, until the smell hit and the bus driver is forced to pull into a truckstop to try and clean it up.
He had severe explosive diarrhea, shit through his pants, and it looked like the fucking exorcist had been in that bathroom. (Yes, people took pictures)
So he cleans up as best he can and they leave him in the bathroom after they clean it out. He is sick the rest of the way back, and when we get back he dropped out of college within a week of the incident.
Not as impressive as some other peoples, but it was pretty embarrassing at the time...
My parents were out somewhere, and were due back much later in the day. Me and my girlfriend, having just woken up, had gotten naked and were fooling around (bit of oral sex etc) and before we moved onto the 'main act' (so to speak) i thought i would go downstairs and ing my parents, just to check when they were getting back.
So i go downstairs, past the front door, into our living room. Start to ring my parents, when i hear the front door open and my parents walk in to the hallway. I'm standing there, naked, with an erection, trapped in my living room...
Absolute panic and terror running through my head at this point. So i grabbed a cusion off the sofa, peeked around the corner, and ran across to our dining room (they were looking the other way). Grabbed the first bit off cloth i saw, wrapped it around my waist and strolled out to say hi to my parents (trying to look calm and collected).
Halfway through the convosation i noticed that a. i was wearing my mums favorite tablecloth (used to be her grans), b. i still had an erection and c. there was a small (but very obvious) damp patch spreading from my groin.
My parents, bless 'em, didnt say anything, although they definatly noticed.
During my sophomore year of college, I lived next door to my good friend "Mike." At the time, he was dating a super-religious girl named "Lindsay." Lindsay would spend most of her time going on and on about how awful premarital sex was and how everyone's going to hell if they did so.
One afternoon, I was playing Diablo II at my computer, which was set up along the wall opposite the wall I shared with Mike. Over the game noises and the stereo, I hear this fairly loud "thump, thump" noise. It almost sounds like someone is taking down or putting up the beds in a dorm room. (The dorm's default was 2 single beds, but with some extra legs could be converted to a bunk bed to save room.)
Curious as to why someone is setting up a bunk in the middle of the semester, I pause the game and go out into the hall. Not as loud, but I can still hear it.. Obviously, it's on my floor somewhere. I go in and listen to the wall where my computer is stationed. Nothing. The other wall faces the tennis courts. No one out there.
Fearing the worst, but still curious, I put my ear up to the wall on Mike's side. I hear a girl's voice making sexy "Ooh, ooh" noises in addition to the thumping. I listen for about 30 seconds when all of a sudden I hear a noise unlike anything I have ever heard before. It was another voice, but it sounded as though the Devil was having sex with a lion trying to pass a kidney stone. The roar lasted for about 15 seconds, and had to have come from Mike (or the Devil) , as Lindsay was still "ooh, ooh"ing, and the bed was still "thump, thumping."
Needless to say, I was a little freaked out. I went back to my desk, turned up the stereo, and played Diablo 2.
I used to live with a room mate in a 3 bedroom apartment. Two bachelors, we each took a room and made the third into a computer room. Things were pretty laid back for a while, until he started dating a woman from the building. She was nice, cute and about his age, so all was well. Worked as a waitress at a strip club, and was working on building a name for herself as an author.
They start spending time together, and I do what I can to help facilitate things going smoothly. You know, making myself scarce on nights I knew they were spending quietly in the living room watching movies, etc.
The pertinent part of this bit of backstory is her waitressing job. As many of you may know, said bars/clubs usually close pretty late. Last call is around 1-2am, there's time spent cleaning up, and then getting home.
So eventually, she starts swinging by our place after work, which is fine.
She's fairly quiet in getting home, and I've never been an overly light sleeper.
What isn't so fine, however, is them having noisy sex each night upon her arrival. At 3 in the morning. I could nearly set my watch to it, as I awoke between 3 and 4 am to the sounds of her moaning and screaming. Now, I can appreciate the sounds of a woman enjoying herself as much as the next guy, but not at 4 in the fucking morning, when I have to be up for work at 7:30, and I'm not the one causing said groans.
These also weren't exactly thin walls in this apartment, so as much as I was happy my friend was getting laid, I began to wonder if they were even remotely aware of the effort that was going into making it an audible journey of discovery.
Given his work hours, he began crashing early (like 9pm) so he'd be awake and ready for these encounters. I began crashing early as well (like 9pm) so I'd actually have enough sleep to function at work, and found myself wandering off to watch a dvd or play City of Heroes / WoW in another room, which put me further from the energetic copulating.
After a few weeks of this, my room mate and I finally came to a "No noisy activity past midnight during the week" agreement.
As a related sidenote, he ended up with the master bedroom, while I took one of the other rooms. This had it's own full bathroom, which apparently also played a part in their adventures. Much like Cytorak's story, I had a few initially odd moments.
*THUMP*
O.o
I look around.
*SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK WHAM*
o.O
I look into the living room, see nothing. I hear the shower running, and it dawns on me what is going on.
I return to the computer room and turn up the music a little more.
Forar on
First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
Nothing is worse than hearing sex you're not having.
DeaconKnowledge on
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The bus, on my class trip my junior year of high school.
This girl and I are getting friendly. I had precious little relationship experience prior to that point, so I wasn't really inclined to expect anything. We held hands for awhile, but she was doing this with me on one side and one of my friends on the other, saying, "my hands are cold." It was quite cold, since the trip was a tour of New England, so I didn't think anything of this. Eventually my friend moved to another seat nearer a girl he was interested in. This left me and the girl alone, in the back seat of the bus. She soon makes the suggestion that I should get a blanket. I thought nothing of this, and proceeded to borrow a blanket from another female friend of mine. We continue holding hands under the blanket, and eventually hers starts creeping. She ends up with my dick in her hand. I am shaking all over the fucking place, it being my first time and all, so I spasm and knee the back of the seat in front of me. The guy sitting there turns around, his eyes get wide, and suddenly whispers and glances spread throughout the back of the bus. It eventually ends. I find out much later that pretty much everybody in my class (I went to a small private school) found out, including the girl who I borrowed the blanket from.
I was so horribly :oops: at the time. Now I think it's pretty funny.
Haha, my friend told me about how his parents used to talk to each other in some code (I think they called it double dutch) when they were saying things they didn't want him to hear. He eventually learned how to understand and speak the code (without them knowing), and had to listen to them every night at the dinner table talking about what they were going to do to each other that night.
He eventually spoke to them in the code, and they haven't used it since.
Nothing is worse than hearing sex you're not having.
Sure there is. Hearing your parents have sex. That happened to me once, when I was living at home and sleeping in the room next to theirs.
After, they realised I was awake.
Second worst thing is having your parents try to talk to you about sex the next morning.
You are a tortured soul, my friend.
DeaconKnowledge on
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Haha, my friend told me about how his parents used to talk to each other in some code (I think they called it double dutch) when they were saying things they didn't want him to hear.
Last time I checked, double dutch was a form of jump roping. .. Well, I guess jumping rope could be a secret form of communication. No wonder those girls were always giggling.
While I was dating my now wife, she shared an apartment with two other girls. We went shopping and came back to put the stuff. We both heard strange noises coming from the back bedroom. When we went to put away the office supplies in my wife's bedroom, we discovered that the wailing (I can't call it moaning; it would do disservice to the word "moaning.") was one of her roommates having sex with her boyfriend. In an attempt to make our presence known, my wife and I began having a very loud conversation as we walked from the bedroom out into the living room.
This went on for 45 minutes.
My wife and I were practically hoarse by then. Her roommate came out of her bedroom with a "Hey guys, what's up? I didn't hear you come in."
:oops:
If I didn't know better, I would say most of my waking hours is spent walking in on or being near other people having wild monkey sex. :?
Haha, my friend told me about how his parents used to talk to each other in some code (I think they called it double dutch) when they were saying things they didn't want him to hear. He eventually learned how to understand and speak the code (without them knowing), and had to listen to them every night at the dinner table talking about what they were going to do to each other that night.
He eventually spoke to them in the code, and they haven't used it since.
Heh. A quick Google search tells me that Double Dutch is the same as Pig Latin. How did they think that a kid wouldn't catch on to Pig Latin?
Haha, my friend told me about how his parents used to talk to each other in some code (I think they called it double dutch) when they were saying things they didn't want him to hear. He eventually learned how to understand and speak the code (without them knowing), and had to listen to them every night at the dinner table talking about what they were going to do to each other that night.
He eventually spoke to them in the code, and they haven't used it since.
Heh. A quick Google search tells me that Double Dutch is the same as Pig Latin. How did they think that a kid wouldn't catch on to Pig Latin?
Wikipedia says it's similar to, but not the same as Pig Latin.
Double-Dutch is also a language game, akin to Pig Latin or Opish. Another name for it is Tutnese. In it, vowels are pronounced normally, but each consonant is replaced with a syllable from the following table:
b - bub k - kuk s - sus
c - cash l - lul t - tut
d - dud m - mum v - vuv
f - fuf n - nun w - wash
g - gug p - pub x - xux
h - hutch q - quack y - yub
j - jug r - rug z - zub
Example: "Mary had a little lamb" becomes Mumarugyub hutchadud a lulituttutlule lulamumbub.
That's tiring to read, let alone carrying on a conversation.
The roommate who lost his virginity while I was passed out and my friend was puking on the floor eventually moved on after that girl got pregnant and tried to pin it on him. My roommate found out she'd had sex with other guys, ones he knew. Turns out she wasn't even pregnant, either.
So he eventually meets this other girl at a party, and they hit it off. She goes to school in Tennessee, but they still manage to see each other every couple of weeks or so.
Eventually they start having sex. I come in to our room one night, after they'd boned, and smell something the likes of which no man should ever smell.
It was a mixture of "pussy", Uncle Ben's rice seasoning, pepper spray, and ass. Literally the worst smell to ever come out of a woman's vagina. My eyes watered, and my throat stung. It was extremely strong, and pungeant, like a dinosaur carcass was rotting in the middle of our room.
I'm gasping for air, trying to act normal. At first, I'm like, "I'm just gonna open up this window". It was the middle of December, so they're very confused. Then I'm like, "I'm just gonna turn on this fan."
I try to go to bed, but I just can't take it. I call my roommate out in the hall and tell him his girl has the smelliest vagina in the history of smelly vaginas. He gets mad, telling I don't know what I'm talking about.
As soon as he walks back in after having some sweet, sweet hallway air, he's all "Oh shit!" and smells it too. I then wait out in the hall as he delicately explains to her, "Girl, that shit stinks".
The roommate who lost his virginity while I was passed out and my friend was puking on the floor eventually moved on after that girl got pregnant and tried to pin it on him. My roommate found out she'd had sex with other guys, ones he knew. Turns out she wasn't even pregnant, either.
So he eventually meets this other girl at a party, and they hit it off. She goes to school in Tennessee, but they still manage to see each other every couple of weeks or so.
Eventually they start having sex. I come in to our room one night, after they'd boned, and smell something the likes of which no man should ever smell.
It was a mixture of "pussy", Uncle Ben's rice seasoning, pepper spray, and ass. Literally the worst smell to ever come out of a woman's vagina. My eyes watered, and my throat stung. It was extremely strong, and pungeant, like a dinosaur carcass was rotting in the middle of our room.
I'm gasping for air, trying to act normal. At first, I'm like, "I'm just gonna open up this window". It was the middle of December, so they're very confused. Then I'm like, "I'm just gonna turn on this fan."
I try to go to bed, but I just can't take it. I call my roommate out in the hall and tell him his girl has the smelliest vagina in the history of smelly vaginas. He gets mad, telling I don't know what I'm talking about.
As soon as he walks back in after having some sweet, sweet hallway air, he's all "Oh shit!" and smells it too. I then wait out in the hall as he delicately explains to her, "Girl, that shit stinks".
That's disgusting. There's no way he wouldn't have known this beforehand. Stinky pussy is the most gut-wrenching smell in the world.
DeaconKnowledge on
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A girlfriend in high school would orgasm whenever we were making out.
Fully clothed.
With no wandering hands.
It was weird. :shock:
She could have been really naive and just faking it?
Shhh..let him think he's a stud.
DeaconKnowledge on
My NEW Wii code - 5227 1968 3982 4139. My Wii needs your Miis! Please give generously!
Animal Crossing - 3566 5318 4585/2492 7891 0383 Deacon/Akisha in Crayon
The roommate who lost his virginity while I was passed out and my friend was puking on the floor eventually moved on after that girl got pregnant and tried to pin it on him. My roommate found out she'd had sex with other guys, ones he knew. Turns out she wasn't even pregnant, either.
So he eventually meets this other girl at a party, and they hit it off. She goes to school in Tennessee, but they still manage to see each other every couple of weeks or so.
Eventually they start having sex. I come in to our room one night, after they'd boned, and smell something the likes of which no man should ever smell.
It was a mixture of "pussy", Uncle Ben's rice seasoning, pepper spray, and ass. Literally the worst smell to ever come out of a woman's vagina. My eyes watered, and my throat stung. It was extremely strong, and pungeant, like a dinosaur carcass was rotting in the middle of our room.
I'm gasping for air, trying to act normal. At first, I'm like, "I'm just gonna open up this window". It was the middle of December, so they're very confused. Then I'm like, "I'm just gonna turn on this fan."
I try to go to bed, but I just can't take it. I call my roommate out in the hall and tell him his girl has the smelliest vagina in the history of smelly vaginas. He gets mad, telling I don't know what I'm talking about.
As soon as he walks back in after having some sweet, sweet hallway air, he's all "Oh shit!" and smells it too. I then wait out in the hall as he delicately explains to her, "Girl, that shit stinks".
That's disgusting. There's no way he wouldn't have known this beforehand. Stinky pussy is the most gut-wrenching smell in the world.
He, and she, had no fucking clue until he went out into the hall and some real air. The instant he stepped back in he smelled it. I told my girlfriend about it, too, and she was with me when we went to my room after they'd had sex. I have witnesses.
Nothing is worse than hearing sex you're not having.
Sure there is. Hearing your parents have sex. That happened to me once, when I was living at home and sleeping in the room next to theirs.
After, they realised I was awake.
Second worst thing is having your parents try to talk to you about sex the next morning.
I don't know, I think it's worse going down stairs to go on the computer and walking in on your parents going at it on the makeshift bed you where going to sleep in that night.
I was taking "Mythic Dimensions of Literature" my sophomore year of college. Due to scheduling conflicts, I had to take the class with none of my friends, so I knew absolutely no one in the class. At one point, we have to group up to do a project. The project could be anything as long as we presented some thing to the class. As I don't know anybody, I get teamed up with Hippie and Stoner (don't remember their names).
Since this class was pretty much a blow-off class, I suggested that we just do a Greek play that was in the book. That way, we don't really have to prep anything, and it's in the book, so we're good, right? Stoner and Hippie agree. We assign parts and decide that practice is unnecessary, since we're reading from the book.
That was Wednesday. Friday is project day. I come into class early. Hippie is setting up an amp and and an electric guitar.
Me: Um, what are you doing?
Hippie: Oh, yeah. Me and Stoner got together last night, and we decided that we shouldn't do the play.
Me: :shock: Um, ok, what are we doing then?
Hippie: We're going to sing "Hotel California."
Me: :shock:
Hippie: No, it's cool man. I took a different literature class at community college, and we talked about how this song ties in with mythology.
Me: :? Ok.
Hippie: Here's your cowboy hat.
Me: :shock: What?
Hippie: Oh, we're going to make the song a little more country than the original.
So, Stoner strolls in. Class starts. We all go up to the podium, with our crushed velvet cowboy hats. "Countryfyin" the song meant that when the chorus came around, Hippie stopped singing and playing, and Stoner and I had to sing the chorus like this:
Wel-cum to da Hotel Califooohrnya repeated thrice.
When this mockery of a song was done, Hippie says "This song has to do with mythology, because it talks about a journey and a beast. Thank you."
:shock: :shock: :shock: :? :oops:
Needless to say, I was terribly embarrassed. The teacher had a kind of shocked look on her face.
The next project was group of students cooking apple tarts that would put Martha Stewart to shame.
When I was about 14, there was this girl I really liked, who was pretty popular, good looking. It sorta got out that I liked her, and she'd flirt with me, and always try and talk to me, but I was so shy I would never act on it.
Anyway, I decide to be a total stud, and trembling, I look her up in the phone book and call her. It goes to a message, and I'm relieved.
Fast forward a couple of house later when my mom is home, we get a call. They had caller ID, and her dad was calling us back, thinking we were trying to get ahold of him for business purposes.
My mom's all, "Did you call a Mr. Marcus?" :shock:
Too embarassed, I just shrugged, "No, I don't know how they could've gotten our number".
Mere minutes after I move in to the dorms, a guy comes up to me and introduces himself to me as follows:
"I'm Caleb. My mom died a week before prom."
It shouldn't have been funny, but the ridiculous timing and the obvious grab for sympathy made me burst out laughing. He just stared.
Related, but not really strange or embarrassing:
We didn't talk for a while, and then he showed up on the Counterstrike server my roommate and I ran. We eventually figured out who it was, I don't even remember how now. Eventually someone not in the loop made a "your mom" joke and he wrote back "dude, my mom is dead," so he tried to call the bluff with "yeah, because I fucked her so hard."
I jumped up and locked my door seconds before he started pounding on it and cursing at me, even though I wasn't even the one that said it.
When I was about 14, there was this girl I really liked, who was pretty popular, good looking. It sorta got out that I liked her, and she'd flirt with me, and always try and talk to me, but I was so shy I would never act on it.
Anyway, I decide to be a total stud, and trembling, I look her up in the phone book and call her. It goes to a message, and I'm relieved.
Fast forward a couple of house later when my mom is home, we get a call. They had caller ID, and her dad was calling us back, thinking we were trying to get ahold of him for business purposes.
My mom's all, "Did you call a Mr. Marcus?" :shock:
Too embarassed, I just shrugged, "No, I don't know how they could've gotten our number".
Dude, I am Mr. Marcus. Seriously.
[spoiler:bfc98ab4fd]I'm just not that Mr. Marcus[/spoiler:bfc98ab4fd]
When I was about 14, there was this girl I really liked, who was pretty popular, good looking. It sorta got out that I liked her, and she'd flirt with me, and always try and talk to me, but I was so shy I would never act on it.
Anyway, I decide to be a total stud, and trembling, I look her up in the phone book and call her. It goes to a message, and I'm relieved.
Fast forward a couple of house later when my mom is home, we get a call. They had caller ID, and her dad was calling us back, thinking we were trying to get ahold of him for business purposes.
My mom's all, "Did you call a Mr. Marcus?" :shock:
Too embarassed, I just shrugged, "No, I don't know how they could've gotten our number".
Dude, I am Mr. Marcus. Seriously.
[spoiler:005158decc]I'm just not that Mr. Marcus[/spoiler:005158decc]
When I was about 14, there was this girl I really liked, who was pretty popular, good looking. It sorta got out that I liked her, and she'd flirt with me, and always try and talk to me, but I was so shy I would never act on it.
Anyway, I decide to be a total stud, and trembling, I look her up in the phone book and call her. It goes to a message, and I'm relieved.
Fast forward a couple of house later when my mom is home, we get a call. They had caller ID, and her dad was calling us back, thinking we were trying to get ahold of him for business purposes.
My mom's all, "Did you call a Mr. Marcus?" :shock:
Too embarassed, I just shrugged, "No, I don't know how they could've gotten our number".
Dude, I am Mr. Marcus. Seriously.
[spoiler:ba1cbc2b41]I'm just not that Mr. Marcus[/spoiler:ba1cbc2b41]
Does your daughter have huge boobs?
I don't have a daughter. Which is probably good, because I would probably assault anyone who tried to date her. I'm protective like that. And for the record, I am known by many as Mr. Marcus, the Karate instructor, which would probably help intimidate any potential dates.
That's weird though, I don't know anyone outside of my immediate family that has the last name Marcus. You would think it would be more common.
I had the strangest phone conversation at work the other day. An old lady called to ask about crayons. Below is an exact transcript of the call, with absolutely no cytorak-brand embellishment or exaggeration:
Me: Thanks for calling "American Pharmacy". How can I help you?
Customer: Do you have X-Men Crayons or (incoherently mumbling) Crayons?
Me: All we have are Rose Art, Crayola, and Penway.
Customer: So, you don't have Mumble Crayons?
Me: Nope, just the three I mentioned.
Customer: So, you don't have Mumble-Other Crayons?
Me: Nope, just the three I mentioned.
Customer: What's Penway?
Me: That's the "American Pharmacy" brand.
Customer: So no X-Men crayons?
Me: We have X-Men coloring books that have crayons with them.
Customer: So you do have X-Men Crayons!
Me: No, they are just a few crayons attached to the book.
Customer: What brand are those?
Me: Bendon
Customer: Spell that please.
Me: Bend, like bend your arm and then on
Customer: Okay, I got the D.
Me: No, it starts with B.
Customer: Bin crayons?
Me: No, B-E-N-D-O-N crayons.
Customer: I got Bend...
Me: Yeah, but then O-N on the end.
Customer: So you sell these in a pack?
Me: No, they just come in the coloring books. We have Candy-Land and My Little Pony ones as well.
Customer: So you have Crayola and My Little Pony Crayons?
Me: No, the My Little Pony books have Bendon crayons in them.
Customer: Do you have any chess sets?
Me: ... Let me check. We have a glass chess set for $10.
Customer: Do you have any wooden ones?
Me: Nope, just the glass one.
Customer: What about plastic ones?
Me: No, just the glass.
Customer: Glass sets are strange. If you hold a clear piece up to a normal white piece, the glass piece looks weird. You know?
Me: Sure, I guess.
Customer: I have a cream set. Those look very weird when you hold it up to the glass set.
Me: That is odd.
Customer: What does "odd" mean? Strange?
Me: ... Yes.
Customer: Ok, well, thanks for chatting with me. *Click*
Me: ... ... ...
I mean, what THE fuck is that about? Prank call day at the home?
I can't believe I forgot my greatest/worst porn story ever. A few months back, I was living the high life. I must have had 30 GB of porn sitting on the computer in my sneakily named "M" folder. I went to camp, got home a week later and was sitting in front of the computer. I noticed a little note with my email address and some other stuff on it, and decided to read it. I pick it up and begin reading it. C:\Documents and Settings\Billy\Desktop\M
I damn near died of a heart attack and later sent the whole folder to the recylcle bin. To top it all off, I'd had a bit of light BDSM stuff in there. Not as bad as dad and son incest porn or lolicon, but it made it all the more embarrassing.
Now time for something that happened to a friend. His dad wanted to show him something he'd been working on in Photoshop. He opened up Photoshop, went to open up some pics, and WHAM BAM some porno showed up. They never spoke of the moment again.
This story goes back years, back when I had dial-up at home and was dead bored on a high-speed internet computer at work. One day I figured, what the hell, I'll download some porn here and then move it back home. Except come closing time, I find that I hadn't brought anything to bring it back home on, so I just leave it in my network folder.
Next morning, it's gone, and there's a group-wide email from our boss reminding us it's forbidden to download porn at work (but forutnately not naming names), as well as a panphlet on internet policy in my folder.
Didn't stop me of course, but it did teach me to rename the damn files to hide them as normal system files when I had to leave them behind for a while.
Posts
Also: The truncated subject line wins.
Youthful Rebellion and all that.
So after the game, we are all drinking and relaxing in the hotel room.
Buddy decides to drink, smoke, and dip for the first time.
And of course being responsible college students we were drinking not beer, but hard alcohol (Everclear or Wild Turkey).
He proceeds to get shitfaced, and turns green from the combo of dip and cig smoke. Manages to hold it together for the most part most of the night.
We load up on the bus to head back to school, and he turns this crazy like purplish green color and runs to the restroom in the back of the bus.
It all caught up with him and from the sound and smell of it he starts puking in the toilet, and then his ass pretty much exploded. The noises were hilarious, until the smell hit and the bus driver is forced to pull into a truckstop to try and clean it up.
He had severe explosive diarrhea, shit through his pants, and it looked like the fucking exorcist had been in that bathroom. (Yes, people took pictures)
So he cleans up as best he can and they leave him in the bathroom after they clean it out. He is sick the rest of the way back, and when we get back he dropped out of college within a week of the incident.
My parents were out somewhere, and were due back much later in the day. Me and my girlfriend, having just woken up, had gotten naked and were fooling around (bit of oral sex etc) and before we moved onto the 'main act' (so to speak) i thought i would go downstairs and ing my parents, just to check when they were getting back.
So i go downstairs, past the front door, into our living room. Start to ring my parents, when i hear the front door open and my parents walk in to the hallway. I'm standing there, naked, with an erection, trapped in my living room...
Absolute panic and terror running through my head at this point. So i grabbed a cusion off the sofa, peeked around the corner, and ran across to our dining room (they were looking the other way). Grabbed the first bit off cloth i saw, wrapped it around my waist and strolled out to say hi to my parents (trying to look calm and collected).
Halfway through the convosation i noticed that a. i was wearing my mums favorite tablecloth (used to be her grans), b. i still had an erection and c. there was a small (but very obvious) damp patch spreading from my groin.
My parents, bless 'em, didnt say anything, although they definatly noticed.
One afternoon, I was playing Diablo II at my computer, which was set up along the wall opposite the wall I shared with Mike. Over the game noises and the stereo, I hear this fairly loud "thump, thump" noise. It almost sounds like someone is taking down or putting up the beds in a dorm room. (The dorm's default was 2 single beds, but with some extra legs could be converted to a bunk bed to save room.)
Curious as to why someone is setting up a bunk in the middle of the semester, I pause the game and go out into the hall. Not as loud, but I can still hear it.. Obviously, it's on my floor somewhere. I go in and listen to the wall where my computer is stationed. Nothing. The other wall faces the tennis courts. No one out there.
Fearing the worst, but still curious, I put my ear up to the wall on Mike's side. I hear a girl's voice making sexy "Ooh, ooh" noises in addition to the thumping. I listen for about 30 seconds when all of a sudden I hear a noise unlike anything I have ever heard before. It was another voice, but it sounded as though the Devil was having sex with a lion trying to pass a kidney stone. The roar lasted for about 15 seconds, and had to have come from Mike (or the Devil) , as Lindsay was still "ooh, ooh"ing, and the bed was still "thump, thumping."
Needless to say, I was a little freaked out. I went back to my desk, turned up the stereo, and played Diablo 2.
I used to live with a room mate in a 3 bedroom apartment. Two bachelors, we each took a room and made the third into a computer room. Things were pretty laid back for a while, until he started dating a woman from the building. She was nice, cute and about his age, so all was well. Worked as a waitress at a strip club, and was working on building a name for herself as an author.
They start spending time together, and I do what I can to help facilitate things going smoothly. You know, making myself scarce on nights I knew they were spending quietly in the living room watching movies, etc.
The pertinent part of this bit of backstory is her waitressing job. As many of you may know, said bars/clubs usually close pretty late. Last call is around 1-2am, there's time spent cleaning up, and then getting home.
So eventually, she starts swinging by our place after work, which is fine.
She's fairly quiet in getting home, and I've never been an overly light sleeper.
What isn't so fine, however, is them having noisy sex each night upon her arrival. At 3 in the morning. I could nearly set my watch to it, as I awoke between 3 and 4 am to the sounds of her moaning and screaming. Now, I can appreciate the sounds of a woman enjoying herself as much as the next guy, but not at 4 in the fucking morning, when I have to be up for work at 7:30, and I'm not the one causing said groans.
These also weren't exactly thin walls in this apartment, so as much as I was happy my friend was getting laid, I began to wonder if they were even remotely aware of the effort that was going into making it an audible journey of discovery.
Given his work hours, he began crashing early (like 9pm) so he'd be awake and ready for these encounters. I began crashing early as well (like 9pm) so I'd actually have enough sleep to function at work, and found myself wandering off to watch a dvd or play City of Heroes / WoW in another room, which put me further from the energetic copulating.
After a few weeks of this, my room mate and I finally came to a "No noisy activity past midnight during the week" agreement.
As a related sidenote, he ended up with the master bedroom, while I took one of the other rooms. This had it's own full bathroom, which apparently also played a part in their adventures. Much like Cytorak's story, I had a few initially odd moments.
*THUMP*
O.o
I look around.
*SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK WHAM*
o.O
I look into the living room, see nothing. I hear the shower running, and it dawns on me what is going on.
I return to the computer room and turn up the music a little more.
Animal Crossing - 3566 5318 4585/2492 7891 0383 Deacon/Akisha in Crayon
Unless you hear it, and your wife hears it, and it turns you both on, so you start having sex. Then it's not so bad.
Awesome.
This girl and I are getting friendly. I had precious little relationship experience prior to that point, so I wasn't really inclined to expect anything. We held hands for awhile, but she was doing this with me on one side and one of my friends on the other, saying, "my hands are cold." It was quite cold, since the trip was a tour of New England, so I didn't think anything of this. Eventually my friend moved to another seat nearer a girl he was interested in. This left me and the girl alone, in the back seat of the bus. She soon makes the suggestion that I should get a blanket. I thought nothing of this, and proceeded to borrow a blanket from another female friend of mine. We continue holding hands under the blanket, and eventually hers starts creeping. She ends up with my dick in her hand. I am shaking all over the fucking place, it being my first time and all, so I spasm and knee the back of the seat in front of me. The guy sitting there turns around, his eyes get wide, and suddenly whispers and glances spread throughout the back of the bus. It eventually ends. I find out much later that pretty much everybody in my class (I went to a small private school) found out, including the girl who I borrowed the blanket from.
I was so horribly :oops: at the time. Now I think it's pretty funny.
Sure there is. Hearing your parents have sex. That happened to me once, when I was living at home and sleeping in the room next to theirs.
After, they realised I was awake.
Second worst thing is having your parents try to talk to you about sex the next morning.
He eventually spoke to them in the code, and they haven't used it since.
You are a tortured soul, my friend.
Animal Crossing - 3566 5318 4585/2492 7891 0383 Deacon/Akisha in Crayon
Last time I checked, double dutch was a form of jump roping. .. Well, I guess jumping rope could be a secret form of communication. No wonder those girls were always giggling.
This went on for 45 minutes.
My wife and I were practically hoarse by then. Her roommate came out of her bedroom with a "Hey guys, what's up? I didn't hear you come in."
:oops:
If I didn't know better, I would say most of my waking hours is spent walking in on or being near other people having wild monkey sex. :?
Heh. A quick Google search tells me that Double Dutch is the same as Pig Latin. How did they think that a kid wouldn't catch on to Pig Latin?
Wikipedia says it's similar to, but not the same as Pig Latin.
That's tiring to read, let alone carrying on a conversation.
The roommate who lost his virginity while I was passed out and my friend was puking on the floor eventually moved on after that girl got pregnant and tried to pin it on him. My roommate found out she'd had sex with other guys, ones he knew. Turns out she wasn't even pregnant, either.
So he eventually meets this other girl at a party, and they hit it off. She goes to school in Tennessee, but they still manage to see each other every couple of weeks or so.
Eventually they start having sex. I come in to our room one night, after they'd boned, and smell something the likes of which no man should ever smell.
It was a mixture of "pussy", Uncle Ben's rice seasoning, pepper spray, and ass. Literally the worst smell to ever come out of a woman's vagina. My eyes watered, and my throat stung. It was extremely strong, and pungeant, like a dinosaur carcass was rotting in the middle of our room.
I'm gasping for air, trying to act normal. At first, I'm like, "I'm just gonna open up this window". It was the middle of December, so they're very confused. Then I'm like, "I'm just gonna turn on this fan."
I try to go to bed, but I just can't take it. I call my roommate out in the hall and tell him his girl has the smelliest vagina in the history of smelly vaginas. He gets mad, telling I don't know what I'm talking about.
As soon as he walks back in after having some sweet, sweet hallway air, he's all "Oh shit!" and smells it too. I then wait out in the hall as he delicately explains to her, "Girl, that shit stinks".
Fully clothed.
With no wandering hands.
It was weird. :shock:
She could have been really naive and just faking it?
That's disgusting. There's no way he wouldn't have known this beforehand. Stinky pussy is the most gut-wrenching smell in the world.
Animal Crossing - 3566 5318 4585/2492 7891 0383 Deacon/Akisha in Crayon
Maybe so. But, it struck me as very, very strange at the time.
Not "You're so awesome; your kisses make girls asplode" strange, but "What in holy hell is wrong with her?" strange.
Shhh..let him think he's a stud.
Animal Crossing - 3566 5318 4585/2492 7891 0383 Deacon/Akisha in Crayon
He, and she, had no fucking clue until he went out into the hall and some real air. The instant he stepped back in he smelled it. I told my girlfriend about it, too, and she was with me when we went to my room after they'd had sex. I have witnesses.
I don't know, I think it's worse going down stairs to go on the computer and walking in on your parents going at it on the makeshift bed you where going to sleep in that night.
Since this class was pretty much a blow-off class, I suggested that we just do a Greek play that was in the book. That way, we don't really have to prep anything, and it's in the book, so we're good, right? Stoner and Hippie agree. We assign parts and decide that practice is unnecessary, since we're reading from the book.
That was Wednesday. Friday is project day. I come into class early. Hippie is setting up an amp and and an electric guitar.
Me: Um, what are you doing?
Hippie: Oh, yeah. Me and Stoner got together last night, and we decided that we shouldn't do the play.
Me: :shock: Um, ok, what are we doing then?
Hippie: We're going to sing "Hotel California."
Me: :shock:
Hippie: No, it's cool man. I took a different literature class at community college, and we talked about how this song ties in with mythology.
Me: :? Ok.
Hippie: Here's your cowboy hat.
Me: :shock: What?
Hippie: Oh, we're going to make the song a little more country than the original.
So, Stoner strolls in. Class starts. We all go up to the podium, with our crushed velvet cowboy hats. "Countryfyin" the song meant that when the chorus came around, Hippie stopped singing and playing, and Stoner and I had to sing the chorus like this:
Wel-cum to da Hotel Califooohrnya repeated thrice.
When this mockery of a song was done, Hippie says "This song has to do with mythology, because it talks about a journey and a beast. Thank you."
:shock: :shock: :shock: :? :oops:
Needless to say, I was terribly embarrassed. The teacher had a kind of shocked look on her face.
The next project was group of students cooking apple tarts that would put Martha Stewart to shame.
Oh my.
teehehehehe
Did you, like, go talk to the teacher afterwards, and tell her that none of that was your idea?
Anyway, I decide to be a total stud, and trembling, I look her up in the phone book and call her. It goes to a message, and I'm relieved.
Fast forward a couple of house later when my mom is home, we get a call. They had caller ID, and her dad was calling us back, thinking we were trying to get ahold of him for business purposes.
My mom's all, "Did you call a Mr. Marcus?" :shock:
Too embarassed, I just shrugged, "No, I don't know how they could've gotten our number".
Mere minutes after I move in to the dorms, a guy comes up to me and introduces himself to me as follows:
"I'm Caleb. My mom died a week before prom."
It shouldn't have been funny, but the ridiculous timing and the obvious grab for sympathy made me burst out laughing. He just stared.
Related, but not really strange or embarrassing:
We didn't talk for a while, and then he showed up on the Counterstrike server my roommate and I ran. We eventually figured out who it was, I don't even remember how now. Eventually someone not in the loop made a "your mom" joke and he wrote back "dude, my mom is dead," so he tried to call the bluff with "yeah, because I fucked her so hard."
I jumped up and locked my door seconds before he started pounding on it and cursing at me, even though I wasn't even the one that said it.
Dude, I am Mr. Marcus. Seriously.
[spoiler:bfc98ab4fd]I'm just not that Mr. Marcus[/spoiler:bfc98ab4fd]
Does your daughter have huge boobs?
I don't have a daughter. Which is probably good, because I would probably assault anyone who tried to date her. I'm protective like that. And for the record, I am known by many as Mr. Marcus, the Karate instructor, which would probably help intimidate any potential dates.
That's weird though, I don't know anyone outside of my immediate family that has the last name Marcus. You would think it would be more common.
Me: Thanks for calling "American Pharmacy". How can I help you?
Customer: Do you have X-Men Crayons or (incoherently mumbling) Crayons?
Me: All we have are Rose Art, Crayola, and Penway.
Customer: So, you don't have Mumble Crayons?
Me: Nope, just the three I mentioned.
Customer: So, you don't have Mumble-Other Crayons?
Me: Nope, just the three I mentioned.
Customer: What's Penway?
Me: That's the "American Pharmacy" brand.
Customer: So no X-Men crayons?
Me: We have X-Men coloring books that have crayons with them.
Customer: So you do have X-Men Crayons!
Me: No, they are just a few crayons attached to the book.
Customer: What brand are those?
Me: Bendon
Customer: Spell that please.
Me: Bend, like bend your arm and then on
Customer: Okay, I got the D.
Me: No, it starts with B.
Customer: Bin crayons?
Me: No, B-E-N-D-O-N crayons.
Customer: I got Bend...
Me: Yeah, but then O-N on the end.
Customer: So you sell these in a pack?
Me: No, they just come in the coloring books. We have Candy-Land and My Little Pony ones as well.
Customer: So you have Crayola and My Little Pony Crayons?
Me: No, the My Little Pony books have Bendon crayons in them.
Customer: Do you have any chess sets?
Me:
Customer: Do you have any wooden ones?
Me: Nope, just the glass one.
Customer: What about plastic ones?
Me: No, just the glass.
Customer: Glass sets are strange. If you hold a clear piece up to a normal white piece, the glass piece looks weird. You know?
Me: Sure, I guess.
Customer: I have a cream set. Those look very weird when you hold it up to the glass set.
Me: That is odd.
Customer: What does "odd" mean? Strange?
Me: ... Yes.
Customer: Ok, well, thanks for chatting with me. *Click*
Me: ... ... ...
I mean, what THE fuck is that about? Prank call day at the home?
I damn near died of a heart attack and later sent the whole folder to the recylcle bin. To top it all off, I'd had a bit of light BDSM stuff in there. Not as bad as dad and son incest porn or lolicon, but it made it all the more embarrassing.
Now time for something that happened to a friend. His dad wanted to show him something he'd been working on in Photoshop. He opened up Photoshop, went to open up some pics, and WHAM BAM some porno showed up. They never spoke of the moment again.
Next morning, it's gone, and there's a group-wide email from our boss reminding us it's forbidden to download porn at work (but forutnately not naming names), as well as a panphlet on internet policy in my folder.
Didn't stop me of course, but it did teach me to rename the damn files to hide them as normal system files when I had to leave them behind for a while.
Surely, the person was getting off on your voice.
No other explanation.