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Moving in with the gf?
noir_blood
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Okay, I need some unbiased opinions regarding this.
I'm 25, and somewhat embarrased to say that right now I live with my aunt. I pay rent, utilities, etc, but obviously it is still cheaper than my own place. Just because I live with relatives doesn't mean that I'm catered to though..I do my laundry, cook, and all that stuff.
So I been with my GF for about ten months or so. Except for the occasional argument, we get along really well. We spend quite a bit of time together already, so I don't think it would be much of a problem moving in. PLUS we would have separate bedrooms. I know, I know, it might seem weird to me, but I'm(and so is she) one of those people that at times can be intensely private or just want to be by myself. So we always joked that if we were to move in together, separate bedrooms would be a must.
Currently she's living in one of those extended stay suite hotels, as it fits her needs and is within walking distance to everything, which is a plus for her. It would also be closer to my work and school(I drive). Turns out they have two bedroom apt where she lives, and the rent is not much higher from what she's paying. Now, she knows that even so I couldn't afford if we went straight down the middle of the rent, but since she hates dealing with cleaning, the deal would be that I would only pay the difference from what she's currently paying at her place, which is only about 100 or so more than what I'm currently paying.
So obviously I'm trying to decide if this is something I should seriously think about.
Pros
-Since it's an extended stay hotel, there is no lease to speak off. We can even choose to pay week to week, although it's cheaper if it's at least month to month.
-Slightly bigger bedroom, with a queen size bed. Currently I have a single one.
-Save on gas. Both on the commute from and to work, and the driving to meet her for lunch, taking her out, and dropping her off dates.
- Move towards total independence.
Cons
-It's living with someone else.
-It's living with your girlfriend.
-I would have to do most of the cleaning in the kitchen/living room.
-My brother is supposed to move to my city come January, so it probably wouldn't be long term anyways.
So what says you, oh Penny Arcade?
I'm 25, and somewhat embarrased to say that right now I live with my aunt. I pay rent, utilities, etc, but obviously it is still cheaper than my own place. Just because I live with relatives doesn't mean that I'm catered to though..I do my laundry, cook, and all that stuff.
So I been with my GF for about ten months or so. Except for the occasional argument, we get along really well. We spend quite a bit of time together already, so I don't think it would be much of a problem moving in. PLUS we would have separate bedrooms. I know, I know, it might seem weird to me, but I'm(and so is she) one of those people that at times can be intensely private or just want to be by myself. So we always joked that if we were to move in together, separate bedrooms would be a must.
Currently she's living in one of those extended stay suite hotels, as it fits her needs and is within walking distance to everything, which is a plus for her. It would also be closer to my work and school(I drive). Turns out they have two bedroom apt where she lives, and the rent is not much higher from what she's paying. Now, she knows that even so I couldn't afford if we went straight down the middle of the rent, but since she hates dealing with cleaning, the deal would be that I would only pay the difference from what she's currently paying at her place, which is only about 100 or so more than what I'm currently paying.
So obviously I'm trying to decide if this is something I should seriously think about.
Pros
-Since it's an extended stay hotel, there is no lease to speak off. We can even choose to pay week to week, although it's cheaper if it's at least month to month.
-Slightly bigger bedroom, with a queen size bed. Currently I have a single one.
-Save on gas. Both on the commute from and to work, and the driving to meet her for lunch, taking her out, and dropping her off dates.
- Move towards total independence.
Cons
-It's living with someone else.
-It's living with your girlfriend.
-I would have to do most of the cleaning in the kitchen/living room.
-My brother is supposed to move to my city come January, so it probably wouldn't be long term anyways.
So what says you, oh Penny Arcade?
noir_blood on
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You don't have to worry about leasing agreements and you have what could be a great experience if you do. So give it a shot.
Another angle on it is that you've been going out with her for nearly a year. There's probably not THAT much more you're going to learn about her, without living with her. So its good from that angle too in that it progresses your relationship.
And it sounds like a good deal. Cleaning the kitchen and living room is pretty trivial and takes very little time if you stay on top of it, and you're getting a bargain.
Who's idea was this?
Anyway, if anything it sounds like it help you decide if you'd get along with your girl while it gives you a place to live without too much of a cost hit. Unless you think she could be crazy, go for it.
However, listing your downsides, they're pretty minor. Living with another person is a pretty normal thing, and, arguably, if things worked out betwixt you two, you'd live together.
The two bedrooms thing is weird, but worry about that after you're living together. My wife and I sleep together but have separate "offices" where our computers and junk is, so we sleep in the same bed but otherwise can exist separately if we just need to unwind with some privacy. In many cases, people end up squished together for monetary reasons -- paying for extra bedroom space when it's just for some weird personal space issue tends to get pretty tedious, and you say "maybe we should save the [hundreds] per month and just sleep in the same damn room."
I am curious about it from a privacy standpoint, though, because I get the impression that you may feel that way due to how you currently view your bedroom. If you live with your aunt, that probably means that the only space that is "yours" is your bedroom, and you do most of your "you" activities there. When you live with someone that you're in a relationship with, in many cases you end up doing all of your "you" activities together, and when not possible, you still feel that the entire space you share is "yours." It just happens to have someone you really like in there, too.
My wife and I were a little similar when we first moved in, dating obviously, because we had never slept with anyone. I was excited because, well, boobs, but it was still an odd experience those first few nights because someone is sleeping *right there*.
Of course, now I have a hard time falling asleep if she's not there, and vice versa. Cos I like her ;D
So, focus on the SERIOUS problems for now -- if you move in and it doesn't work out, do you have a place to go? Are you stuck in a lease if things aren't cool? What about the monetary problems? In your case, you really have a good out for all of those elements, so there's no reason why you shouldn't give it a shot if you're up for it.
-It's living with someone else.
-It's living with your girlfriend.
gives me pause; they're certainly different, and for some people they're certainly something they'd like to avoid, but if to you, personally, you see both of these as cons, you should ask yourself if you could be happy living with her, at least as things are. Obviously right now you don't live alone so the first drawback isn't as important, but if the prospect of living with your GF, regardless of your current situation, strikes you as something you don't want to do... think long and hard. It's not a given that you'll like it or dislike it, and it really depends on the vagaries of you and your relationship, which is something you're in the best position to judge. And it seems like at least some of that judging has come to the conclusion that you might not like it.
The first one isn't a big deal, since there'll only be 2 of you living there (i.e. nowhere near as bad as having to clean up in a 5-person shared house...).
I don't really understand the 2nd thing though - are you suggesting you'd stop sharing with your GF and move in with your brother? I think that's a little weird.
The thing with moving in together is that once you're living together with your GF, you don't tend to move out and live seperately unless you're breaking up. So it IS a pretty big commitment.
Obviously I don't fully understand your personal circumstaces though, so maybe you're both agreed that it's a 'convenience' thing rather than a 'commitment to settling down' thing. As long as you're aware of where you both stand regarding this, I'd definitely so go for it.
Personally, I'm an advocate of living together before marriage (assuming that's where you think this might eventually lead). You never really know someone completely until you live with them, and you can find out if you can get past the whole I-hate-the-way-they-chew-their-food phase. If you're serious about this girl, go for it.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
Once you move in with your girlfriend, I would plan to either stay moved in with her or else break up...you don't move out when your brother shows up unless there is a reason to.
Moving in with your girlfriend should be a huge benefit, not a con. For me, spooning with my girlfriend as we fall asleep is a highlight of my day. Why would you want a separate bedroom?
When one of you is having a bad day you don't run to your personal area and sulk. Your partner plays shrink listens carefully to all your woes, occasionally offering advice, condolences, compliments or whatever fits the conversation. And no, you don't have to solve all your partners problems, as much as you might want to, sometimes it is best to just be a sounding board.
You might have some different interests or just want time to do something that is a solo activity like reading a book. Just arrange to do those things at the same time so one of you isn't ignoring the other, your both just doing your own thing. Try to arrange it so when one of you goes off to hang with your friends, the other is hanging out with his/her friends or coming with you.
Unless it was her idea to get a bigger place with two bedrooms I wouldn't do it. Just move into her existing place and contribute what you can to rent.
THe thing about the bedroom is two fold. One, we both have very different sleeping habits, no so much in the time that we go to sleep, but how. She enjoys falling sleep with the television or some sound in the background, and I can't do that at all, I need like full silence. The other thing is that we both think it would be nice to just be able to 'get away' from each other if necessary.
I guess I should have gone into a bit more detail about my brother. He's coming to dallas with the full belief that we're going to get an apartment togetgher when he does, because we have talked about it before. IT's not like he wouldn't have a place to stay, as the original plan was to stay with my aunt(she has another spare bedroom), wait till he gets settled in and then move out.
Do not move in right now. Hold off a couple weeks and talk things over. You don't want to be moving in together for convenience, but you should move in with her if your relationship is good, because that would be awesome.
Also, let you brother know right now that your getting kinda serious with a girl and might be moving in with her instead of him. If you know its on the horizon it isn't fair to have him come to dallas with false expectations.
I did sort of move in with my girlfriend when it was convenient, but we had wanted to move the relationship forward before it became convenient. Just because it is convenient doesn't mean you shouldn't do it, it just isn't a great reason on its own and might lead to some awkward situations.
And with regard to the sleeping thing. I used to be a total silence required to sleep guy, but I've found a monotone type noise like a fan isn't a problem. I bet you would be surprised what you can get used to.
I definitely experience the same thing as eggytoast with regard to sleep.
Its your call really because we here in PA don't really know squat about your relationship so our advice about that particular section isn't all that accurate. Really look at your relationship and even talk about it with her and if you feel comfy with it and she does too then do what you think is right my friend.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
I would suggest spending more time over there, though, maybe do some sleepovers or something. Get a feel for living with her, see how it goes. She has a place, maybe offer to actually sleep on the couch and do some housework or cook some meals or something, just to kind of "exist" together without it being dates.
You have the advantage of being able to do that, without jumping in with two feet. Might as well explore the waters a bit.
I moved down to Texas for law school, and my girlfriend moved down there halfway through that first year. We'd never lived together and I had never lived with anyone before. We loved each other, blah blah blah. Well, I realized that I liked my space and she always seemed to be in it. I'd want to play video games, she'd want to spend the time with me. I'd be up late, she'd want me to come to bed. I'd want to go out with friends, but I wouldn't because I didn't want to leave her there alone. Money would get tight and that would complicate things.
Eventually, I came to resent her being there. Your mileage may vary, but if you're "a private person," it's something you may really want to consider.
Honestly, and especially when you're new to living with a SO, accommodating weird personal space issues is a really good idea, and probably worth the extra expense if it's not too much of a burden. You guys can switch up which bed you sleep in (though it'll probably come down to who's is comfiest, or has the best heat/ac/no streetlight/whatever), and then it's like sleeping over at a whole other apt. You probably WILL need the private space to decompress, too.
This is the biggest thing you have to worry about and you should make an escape plan (with your aunt would be the easiest choice.)
My roommate broke up with his girl less than a year later, partly because of the "private space" issues mentioned above and partly because he saw a clearcut future consisting of marriage->children->getting old together that he didn't like at that time (there where other reasons, but those were the main ones).
I on the other hand couldn't be happier. We have one bedroom that is only accessible from the other room, so "private space" is sparse. But I seriously think that living together brought our relationship to a higher level (as cliché as that sounds) and I wouldn't want to miss it at all. Sure, we do regularly travel alone, but my girlfriend is on vacation right now and I missed her going to bed the first night.
Bottom Line: Don't not move in with your girlfriend, just because you have a convenient reason to do so. If you think both of you can make it work, then go for it!
The whole idea is that you share everything. And yeah, it gets really hard, and yeah, when you get a 2-bedroom rather than a 1-bedroom you will have a sort of space for studying or what have you, but you're going to be with each other a lot. If you are looking to hide away in each your respective bedrooms, then your relationship is stagnant, to say the least.
Have you considered earplugs? I need total silence as well, so I wear earplugs when I am in the same bed as my significant other.
I cannot reiterate this enough.
I don't think it would be fair to label this idea as 'good' or 'bad', but just be prepared that moving in with a girl may change things drastically.
Let me regale you with my experience in this department(which falls into the 'miserable failure' category):
I was with this girl for roughly 6 years -- late high-school and all throughout college. For some reason I got this fucked up idea that we should move in together. She didn't go to school and had no prospects, so I covered all the bills. I was fine with this and it was never a point of contention.
What was contentious, however, was truly seeing this person I thought that I knew and loved. When you live with someone, you can't hide anything from them. What I saw for the next ~6 months was her dark and evil core. Apparently, she was able to hide this from me within her soul-less stygian depths, but couldn't keep the act up 24/7.
She ended up sleeping with her boss and I kicked her out.
I'm not trying to scare you out of it. As terrible as this story sounds, I'm better off because of it. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Good luck to you!