The Unfair Banning Competition (Pleas For Clemency)

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The despicable reprobates who have been chosen by you to dance at the end of my cruelty string, their neanderthal faces contorted in confusion and fear have been given the opportunity to plead their laughable cases to you, my terrible, ugly flock.

These posts will be reposted by me in order of reception, so the quicker the wretched vagabonds send them to me, the longer they have to influence you.

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Wren wrote:

my dear fellow faggots, I'll probably get banned soon anyways so don't waste your vote on me. I guess you still could if you wanted, it aint no thang. you know, whatever. but as they say, oblitus sum perpolire clepsydras.

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Defender wrote:

I shouldn't be banned because I'm a venerated pillar of the community. I bring several traits of nearly-incalculable value to the forum, and am exceptionally good at following the rules. Let's begin, as I so often do, with a numbered list.

(1) "Good citizen." Although "I don't murder people or steal stuff" isn't a great argument for why someone should be permitted to stay in a community, it is a fair point to raise when arguing that one shouldn't actively be thrown out. I receive very few legitimate punishments, and the only punishment that stemmed from voluntarily breaking the rules in my four years here was suggesting that Shibby cure an STD by "shaving off the top two or three inches" of his penis. This was only an offense because it was in a Shibby thread linked from H/A to SE++, and therefore I wasn't under SE++ rules at the time. I think that we can also agree that I was serving the greater good.

(2) Martial arts and kettlebells. While not your particular, personal cup of tea, I've helped probably about a dozen people over PM or IM to find good schools instead of training at pansy bullshit places that teach you to get beat up while dancing around like a gigantic Korean homo. Kettlebells are also super-awesome for those of us who want to become Evil (Queer) Russian Spies instead of Big Beefy Faggots, so it's nice to have that viewpoint in the Big Gay Men thread. I'm also not retarded about nutritional information, and it's always good to have extra voices around to tell the fatty fat fats to stop eating pizza and washing it down with 64 ounces of Code Red Mountain Dew. It accelerates either their de-fattening or their suicide, and, to be frank, I live in the USA and we need all the fatty-removal we can get.

(2a) Let's add on that I am also somewhat useful for people who want to make games for a living, and am willing to assist people in that regard.

(3) Long-ass posts and arguments. Kind of like what you're seeing here, but with the willingness to label people as retarded and link the dictionary when said retards don't know the meaning of the words they're using in their arguments. Although TFS has been the only senior-grade retard around here lately (and his retardation is at least in part due to his age), you know there will be another wave at some point. You don't disband the police force just because there were no murders this years.

(4) Objectively-correct statements regarding art, particularly video games. There are few people who are capable of concealing universal truth in what appears to most to be a purely subjective matter. I think we all know what I mean.

So, in conclusion, I provide lots of interesting reading material (which the viewer can take or leave), don't break rules or cause bullshit headaches for the people running the place, and provide some helpful services, all with as close to 0% risk as possible that I'll ever get super PMS and spam shock images. Plus I mean come on, I'm pretty awesome and you know it.

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Auntie Shibby wrote:

I've been here since 2002. I haven't really kept up with who else has been put on the ballot, nor do I really care to be honest. I know that some of you may dislike/hate me. But you all put up with me all the same. And you have been since 2002. Who else is going to be the disgusting whipping boy that I am? Who else is going to be the dude that makes you know you're not the scum of the earth like myself?

I have been banned before, and I came back from it. If I am banned, I'm pretty sure that in a few months I'll come wondering back in an alt, get along fine with everyone and let it slip that I'm Auntie Shibby like I did last time. Remember degjo? Yeah, that was me.

It's worth pointing out that Shibby will not in fact be welcomed back should he win. He will be gone forever and we will reban any alts he makes.

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Pony wrote:

So, I have to explain why I shouldn't be banned. I'm going to start with addressing my most common criticisms. The handful of peole who actively dislike me have such a laughably small pool of gripes I actually know what all of them are, and I'll point them out and deal with them individually first. Then, if that's not enough, I'm also going to engage in blatant character assassination and attack my fellow candidates for being banned, and why they are more ban-worthy than me.

For starters, let's get to the most common criticisms levelled my way:

1. "Pony, you're an egomaniac" - True. This is a valid complaint, in and of itself. I am, in fact, arrogant and self-centered. However, what is quite invalid and ridiculous is how furiously this gets pointed out as some kind of exclusive or overwhelming personality flaw. Am I really more of an egomaniac than say... Captain Cthulhu? scarlet st.? Viv? Manifest? Cardboard Tube himself? No.
Does how highly I think of myself really constitute as angering a personality trait as a select few seem to think? I don't believe so, but clearly they do. Interestingly enough, the very same people who hate me for being narcissistic also tend to hate people like Viv and Captain Cthulhu for the same thing, so perhaps it can be suggested it is their problem, that they feel threatened by someone with high self-esteem. Maybe due to their own low self-esteem? Possible.

2. "Pony, you talk about yourself all the time" - An exagerration, but it would be valid to say a lot of my posts are centered around what I think, and what my experience is with the subject at hand. Again, is this a trait that is exclusive to me? Hardly.
Most people in any given thread are largely posting what they think and what they have experienced related to the topic, and many of their posts have nothing to do with what other people are posting in the same thread. Happens all the time, in every thread, so really it's not something that's worth giving me shit in particular over.
A recurring theme you will notice with these complaints is that, while some may be valid, they are things that I do no more or less than many others, but it is rather my prominance and popularity that make people take it out on me.

3. "Pony, you repost the same stories all time" - Another exagerration. I do, in fact, repost stories I've told before. This happens, but it only happens when a person (often, it turns out, Wiggin) requests I tell a specific story.
Instead of going to the trouble of typing the whole damn thing all over again and trying to come up with new wording for things, I just use the forum search, find an old post I made on the subject, and repost it. Usually in a spoiler, so people who don't even want to read my repost because they've read it before can just disregard it.
Again, this is something lots of other people do, and I don't think there's anything wrong with it, and the people who bitch so furiously about it really need to relax.

4. "You use line-breaks waaaay too much" - A matter of opinion, really. I use line-breaks a lot in my posts, often in preference to periods and commas. This doesn't bother most people, and a lot of people do it, and way more than me. I can hardly be called the originator of such a posting style, or even the one who made it popular. Yet, I catch grief about it anyway.
I've noticed that the people who bitch the loudest about it are also the same people who will call people out for using their/there/they're wrong, or putting an apostraphe on the wrong kind of its. Grammar nazis, essentially, people who are easily infuriated by flouting the rules and conventions of the English language and get pretty pissed about it.

5. "You get really pissed and flip out over things" - No, I really don't. I understand this is the internet, where a person's intentions and tone can often be nebulous. I understand that a person's reply in a thread, especially if it is long and detailed and was typed quickly in response to what you said, can appear to be angry and the furious counter-points of someone who has completely lost their temper. But really, that doesn't happen.
You people don't make me mad. Even when I get into arguments that span over pages, even when I get insulting and rude, I'm not really angry. I am not sitting here, at my computer, red-faced and furious, shaking with rage at the man on the internet who dared disagree with me.
My approach to this forum is always pretty laid back, and the most powerful emotion I can feel in response to an argument is disappointment. In particular, if a person who I am arguing with and is saying stupid things is a person I otherwise like. That's so very disappointing, because I generally think better of them to say such things, but this is life.

6. "Pony, you're an internet bad-ass" - You know, I've never really understood this one. People seem to be operating under wacky definitions of "internet bad-ass" when this one gets tossed out there. What, exactly, makes me an internet bad-ass? Because I'm a big guy who has done martial arts and got into a lot of fights as a teenager? Like, honestly, I don't get it. I tell a lot of anecdotes. It's something a lot of people find charming and interesting. I've led a pretty strange life, and I think I'm pretty skilled in telling the tales of my misadventures in a way that is entertaining to folks.
Yeah, in a lot of stories, they are about how I did piles of drugs as a teenager, got laid more times than is pleasant, and got into a lot of fights and violent confrontations. I had some screwy teenage years, and they're probably a lot different than some folks. That's fine, no big, I think that's part of what makes those anecdotes entertaining.
But apparently, it is impossible to be talking on the internet and not have been a socially retarded computer geek in high school whose only friends sat in the cafeteria playing Magic: The Gathering on lunch.
I've seen the "internet bad-ass" label get slapped on people like Defender, too, so I think it's just something that nerdy losers with no self-esteem slap on any guy who is bigger than them and talks about martial arts some. It certainly isn't the definition of internet bad-ass as I understand it, which is those guys on Counterstrike who get really pissed when you kick their ass in the game and are like "I'm going to come to your house and fight you!"
I've never done that. I'm not really an internet bad-ass.

7. "The stories you tell are outright fabrications, or at the very least you change the details to make for a better story" - No, this really isn't true, but I can understand how people feel about that. I can't really prove it to you, so the only option you really have is to either take it at face value or believe I'm a liar. I can't really influence your decision one way or the other on that one, that's something you will have to decide for yourself.
But really, ask yourself: Do you refuse to believe these sorts of things because you consider them completely absurd and could never happen, or because just don't want to believe that someone else on this internet actually had a life that was weird and interesting instead of just sad and pathetic?

(CONTINUED IN PART 2!)

8. "You're a prick" - Sometimes I am mean to people. This happens. Everybody is mean to some people sometimes, nobody is nice to everyone, especially on the internet. I would say I am generally nice to most people. I would say I'm also usually nice and welcoming to new people, and I often go out of my way to let someone know "I like the cut of your jib" or a similar thing to let them know to keep posting and that they're doing good.
There is a handful of folks that, at all times, I am rude towards and outright dislike. They know who they are. But otherwise, I think I'm a pretty nice guy and honestly, if I'm mean to you, there's a reason and if you call me out on it you'll find out why.

9. "You have a bunch of annoying people sucking your dick and it's irritating" - No, listen. Let's be honest. Wiggin makes a big deal about me and it's irritating. I think it's annoying too, and I give him shit for it. That's just Wiggin being Wiggin. There are other people who compliment, praise, and agree with me periodically, always in response to specific things I've said. I don't really have a fan club or cult of personality. I'm not Nads or Tube or Khoo, people falling all over themselves to praise me and get my attention every time I post.
If you honestly can't deal with the fact that sometimes I say things other people agree with or think is deserving of praise, I think you've got serious issues and need to be less jealous of other people getting attention.

10. The Catch-All "I don't like you, Pony, because of <made up reason X>" - There's quite a few times where I see people level a lot of hate and internet anger my way for things I didn't even do or say, or wild exagerrations of things I've said warped or taken out of context. These people actively want to hate me, and can't otherwise provide a good reason for it so they fall back on bullshit.
What I've found is that if I can actually manage to get real conversation out of these people and if they are reasonable about it, we usually find out together the reason they disliked me so much was faulty and then it doesn't bother them so much. Alternately, they get even more hostile, and it's made clear it's not really me who is the problem. They have their own issues, and because of those issues, they get really pissed at me.
I'm a popular target for people with low self esteem, people who think they're very unattractive, people who were losers in youth and are probably losers today. People who don't have much in the way of life experience except sitting at home playing World of Warcraft and drinking Mr. Pib. They get jealous, angry, and petty towards me, taking it out on me because I remind them of people they hate, and serve as a reminder of how much they hate themselves.
Sometimes, I serve as the ugly mirror. Let's face it, I'm a big nerd. I LARP, for christ's sake. I play Dungeons & Dragons and video games and I read trashy sci-fi novels and buy lame swords from vendors at conventions. I'm really not that different from many of you in this regard. But, at the same time, I've also done a lot in my life, had a lot of weird and screwy things happen, and I've come out a stronger person for it. I'm charismatic, popular, and well-liked, regardless of my hobbies and interests.
There's a lot of people who begrudge me that, because they're just as nerdy as I am but they were also a sweatpant wearing dork in high school who was picked on all the time. For years, they blamed their social outcast status on being misunderstood, blamed the people who mocked them for being stupid uncultured phillistines who cannot appreciate the art of painting Warhammer miniatures and just want to get high and laid.
They found it comforting to ignore their hygiene and fashion problems, to ignore the fact that they made no effort whatsoever to engage people in what they enjoy because they held it in contempt.
They felt comfortable sitting at home on a saturday night reading back issues of comic books they just blew their part-time job paycheque on, instead of going out and partying. Then a guy like me comes along, and shows you can be happy, charismatic, athletic, and popular while also being a huge nerd, and I hold up the mirror showing a lot of their lies for the sham they are. Then, they hate me for it, and it's just sad.
I have nothing to say to these people. If you're one of those people, who hate a guy just as nerdy as you because he wasn't a loser like you were, you need to grow the fuck up. Beyond that, I got nothin'.

(CONTINUED IN PART 3!)

Now, with that out of the way, let's get to blatant character assassination!

Wren - Wren deserves to be banned. Wren is a fucking troll in the worst way. He doesn't make serious posts on any subject, he doesn't ever actually express an opinion that is legitimate. The only time Wren posts, ever, is to piss people off. He trolls blatantly and openly, threadshitting and trying to rile people up. Why he does this is a mystery, but the fact that the fucker can't stay out of jail should be evidence of how bad of a god damn troll he is.

Auntie Shibby - God, what a useless fuck. Listen, I tell stories sometimes where I'm a lousy person in them. I admit this, and when people are like "damn Pony, what the fuck" I am like "Yeah, I know. But it's an entertaining story, yeah?" And really, that's the only reason I posted it, to entertain and possibly to give people an example of what not to do with their lives. Shibby, on the other hand, posts fucked up tales of how he's a horrible human being, and he responds to the disgust with outrage. Despite saying he really doesn't care what other people think, he'll rapidly respond to everyone who is like "jesus christ Shibby you are gross and I hate you" by explaining how no, they're wrong, he's not a bad person and see actually it was a good thing. No. Shibby I've never seen you tell a story where you didn't come across as an odious bag of shit and then immediately followed it up with trying to defend it and act like "no, no, I'm actually awesome see". He embraces his status as a disgusting freak who is hated by all. Shibby, SE++ doesn't need a whipping boy or a guy everyone universally hates. You bring nothing of value to the forum ever, and you need to go.

Weather Man Bob - This guy doesn't get shit. He's like a retarded GameFAQs message board denizen who somehow blundered into SE++. He posts tired internet memes, he's basically a 14 year old on the internet from 1997. The reason he's hated so much is he just doesn't fucking understand anything and he posts the most inane bullshit. Like Wren, he never expresses a real opinion or a legitimate thought on any subject, content to just be "lol random" and troll sometimes. Weather Man Bob could go and we'd be better off for it, but really, chances are he'll post less as soon as school starts again.

TFS - Holy shit. I could write a god damn book on what is wrong with this kid. TFS isn't a bad person. He's screwed up in the head, spends waaaaaay too much time on the internet tightly engrossed in internet subcultures and message boards, but he's an alright kid. Years ago, TFS was like Weather Man Bob, and then he evolved. He does periodically make actual valid posts and conversations and sometimes, just sometimes, I actually think he means what he says.
However, TFS seems unable to shake his Something Awful forum goon-style internet troll roots. He still resorts back to trolling when all else fails, and trolls so often I can't tell the difference anymore between his actual real opinions and beliefs and things he is just saying to get a rise out of people. Interestingly enough, while TFS trolls so much he's actually totally incapable of handling being trolled himself. I've razzed TFS numerous times, and he gets furious about it and instead of playfully trolling back, he bitches in Ventrilo about me and gets really angry. He can dish it, but he can't take it, and that's sad.
He's got some serious problems with self-identity and self-esteem, and knowing what I know of his family life and upbringing, I'm not surprised. He needs counselling, badly. Notice I use the male gender pronoun to describe TFS? That's because I don't believe he actually has any true Gender Identity problems. I think that those problems are just a manifestation of other, more serious unresolved issues and I really do hope TFS gets some serious psychological help before he makes the decision to surgically alter himself. Wearing a skirt and having a fake vagina isn't going to solve your problems, TFS.
He really doesn't know a god damn thing about the world in general. I mean, he's a sheltered, upper class white teenager from the suburbs of Vegas who has never held a real job (being a campaign volunteer for Barack Obama isn't a real job). So really, that's not surprising. However, what's annoying is he's so god damn opinionated on the subjects of things like politics and religion and foreign policy.
TFS is the only instance of a person who I actually think would stand to benefit from being banned. He posts here all the god damn time. SE++ is a huge part of his life and he runs to us about everything and posts in nearly every topic. There's a reason his postcount is astronomical and he's consistently the most frequent poster on SE++. TFS would actually benefit from being banned, because it might give him pause to go out and learn about the world from outside the fucking internet, before he gets his penis surgically amputated.

Cardboard Tube - The joke candidate. Tube isn't going to ban himself. I actually think Tube is hilarious as a person but I think he's a lousy admin. Why? Shit like this is why. I mean, it's nice to have the opportunity to write a big long spiel like this and cut loose on some bullshit I've noticed in my time here, but the fact that I am doing so as part of his elaborate shenanigans? Terrible. Tube's basically a grunting internet troll with a gavel. He's got power, and he'll use it for his own amusement. I have no reason to see Tube banned, but I'd love to see him step down so someone who actually could be a responsible admin could step up.

Orik - Man, I don't want to see Orik banned. He's a good guy and a good mod.

Defender - I like and respect Defender, and don't think he deserves to get banned at all.

END TRANSMISSION

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yes, that's right, our very own absurd clown figure has outdone himself at a smidgeon over 3000 words. That is an essay.

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weather man bob wrote:

Wow, I feel so honored and special that I have been hand picked to be banned, ha, like I give a flying fuck about being banned or not banned. It really matters none to me, to be very honest with you. But I guess I do enjoy these forums here very much, and I don't think that there is another forum out there on the whole world wide intraweb that could entertain me as much as this one, and this forum has been entertaining me since 2003. Now even though I get along with about 1% of the fuckers in this here forum, I still enjoy reading the threads and doing such things one would do in a forum and what not. Oh well have I said I really could care less yet, so go fuck yourself and everyone else who are fagmos!

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Honestly I'm thinking of taking this guy off the ballot

Orikaeshigitae

i'm just gonna post this myself

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My plea for clemency is this. Do you prefer the devil you know, or the devil that you do not know?

Alternatively, is it crueller to ban me and set me free, or to sentence me, the greatest of all sentient life forms, to toil after you in your wretchedness for the rest of my exalted existence?

Still it'd be interesting if I got banned at least? Eh? Wouldn't it? More interesting than banning Pony at any rate.

This concludes the plea part of the competition. Weatherman Bob is declared the winner of it and has had his name removed from the ballot.

Pharezon

Tube are you Putin?

Futore

I can't believe some people are actually voting for this.

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Futore wrote: »

I can't believe some people are actually voting for this.

I can't believe you can't believe that.

World as Myth

I already know how this is going to end

ascot

Futore wrote: »

I can't believe some people are actually voting for this.

I can't believe people aren't.

Cold Salmon and Hatred

tube what happens if there is a tie

lostwords

so can you open it up to show who voted for what choice? wasn't that an option when a mod makes a poll?

Tube

World as Myth wrote: »

I already know how this is going to end

with TFS winning? spectacularly? looks like it

neville

World as Myth wrote: »

I already know how this is going to end

A missile turns into a whale

World as Myth

Cardboard Tube wrote: »

World as Myth wrote: »

I already know how this is going to end

with TFS winning? spectacularly? looks like it

you betcha

Pharezon

Cold Salmon and Hatred wrote: »

tube what happens if there is a tie

Coin toss.

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Cold Salmon and Hatred wrote: »

tube what happens if there is a tie

the chances of that happening are basically nil

Seg

The one person who didn't get a chance to defend themself is winning.

How Unfair.

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lostwords wrote: »

so can you open it up to show who voted for what choice? wasn't that an option when a mod makes a poll?

I can do but I'm not gonna

Zombot

Orik better not get a single vote.

World as Myth

even if tfs had been able to defend himself he'd still be the winner

possibly by a greater margin

Redeemer

Oh come on SE, tell us how you really feel

Cold Salmon and Hatred

I think the best part about this is that tfs doesn't have a computer right now and has no idea about what's going on

potatoe

i can't imagine voting for any one of those people

i'll probably wait and make a decision on who i want to try to save with my single vote

Projeck

Cold Salmon and Hatred wrote: »

I think the best part about this is that tfs doesn't have a computer right now and has no idea about what's going on

its gonna be pretty funny

Zombot

How long will they be banned for?

potatoe

Seg wrote: »

The one person who didn't get a chance to defend themself is winning.

How Unfair.

to be fair, she's had years to defend herself

Fiz

Redeemer wrote: »

Oh come on SE, tell us how you really feel

Festivus for the rest of us

The Lovely Bastard

can I do a write in vote?

(writing in for Redeemer)

Faricazy

Cold Salmon and Hatred wrote: »

I think the best part about this is that tfs doesn't have a computer right now and has no idea about what's going on

for this to be most effective you have to ban him from the vent server as well

LIFE AS HE KNOWS IT

GONE

Sara Lynn

Zombot wrote: »

How long will they be banned for?

forever ever

George Fornby Grill

Zombot wrote: »

How long will they be banned for?

Forever.

Futore

seriously, does TFS's depression really need a blow as big as leaving here?

Centipede Damascus

neville wrote: »

World as Myth wrote: »

I already know how this is going to end

A missile turns into a whale

and a bowl of petunias

Munkus Beaver

c;early tfs' silence is evidence of his drama queen nature and has nothing to do with computers whatsoever

Redeemer

Fiz wrote: »

Redeemer wrote: »

Oh come on SE, tell us how you really feel

Festivus for the rest of us

And now for the Airing of Grievances

I'VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE