Girl thread (not really a problem just a concern)

i n c u b u s

So I'll try not to make this too long, here goes:

I've been dating my gf for a while now and honestly its the best relationship I've ever had. She pretty much everything I was ever looking for and we are so alike it is literally creepy. We get along fantastically and we even think the same. What do I mean by that? I mean we have the same taste in just about everything so buying stuff for her is a breeze. All in all things are awesome and we're talking about marriage in the near future (about 2 years from now).

Now here's my issue, if you want to call it that. I'm just finishing up my degree here at my community college after 2 years of hard work bringing up my shitty HS GPA. I leave for a 4 year University in January and let me tell you I cant wait. I feel like I really deserve it and I've missed out on the whole living on your own college experience that most of my friends have had including my gf. She goes to a 4 year University about 30 minutes from here and has her own apartment. She pretty much has it made because her parents pay for EVERYTHING. The apartment, food, gas, insurance, school, she has a fantastic life and I've told her that on many occasions. My problem is that I won't be going to her school in January and its a few hours away meaning I cant make the trip to see her every other weekend like I do now. I'm afraid this will ruin what we have going on and she does too.

Before I say this let me iterate that I understand I'm a lil selfish when it comes to her, that being said my family has brought up the school issue with me before. They suggest that I have a talk with her soon about possibly transfering to the school I'm going to so we can be together. I have brought this up a couple times to her as a side note and she doesn't seem to take to it very well. Her reason being that she has enormous pride for her school and her fraternity. I understand this. But there are more reasons for her to tranfer than for her to stay. Let me list them for you:
-My school has way better well....everything. Her school isnt that well recognized and quite frankly getting a job with my degree from my school will get you hired over hers any day.
-My school's credits are WAY cheaper than hers. I know her dad would appreciate the lighter load.
-The distance problem is solved.
-I do believe the social work program at my school just completely out classes hers at her school now.
-I even think they have a chapter of her fraternity at my school.
-Her brother will be coming to my school next year and shes EXTREMELY family oriented and actually so am I.

And thats just to name a few. So am I being selfish asking her of this PA? I admit it is a tad but really I'm just thinking about our future together. I'd hate for it to be ruined or altered just because of these last two years of college coming up. I truly see myself with this girl for the rest of my life and I'm positive she feels the same. I just don't want to lose her...

Djiem

You won't lose her just because she goes to a different college.

i n c u b u s

It's not the different colleges thats the issue, its the distance. I've had terrible experiences with distance relationships and so has she so we've agreed previously that it just wouldn't work.

Septus

It seems like she'd be more easily convinced by her family who won't have as much to gain by her transferring. When you talk to her about it, perhaps she just thinks you're being selfish and glosses over the other real benefits to her.

i n c u b u s

Actually her family would have a lot to gain by her transfering, money and family wise.

Dman

You indicated your university is less expensive and more prestigious then hers? In my experience the more prestigious universities charge more for admission.

You could see if your program exists in her college and how easy it would be for you to do 2 years at her college then transfer to the one you want to go to and finish at the "better" university. No one will care that you did the first 2 years at her university if you get good marks graduating from the superior university.

Septus

i n c u b u s wrote: »

Actually her family would have a lot to gain by her transfering, money and family wise.

Well ok, but they're her family, that's a much harder bond to break, and they're probably in a better position to talk to her about problems in her life or things she should address than you are.

i n c u b u s

I've already done two years and I only have two years left. I actually made an attempt to do just that last month but I determined its not worth it. And as for it being the better school, honestly it really is. She goes to Troy university and it is the most expensive school in Alabama credit wise. Although the Credits at Auburn (where I'm going) I understand arent very much cheaper, like a couple bucks per credit hour.

Kato

Not to sound too pessimistic...but you only see her on the weekends currently. What does she do during the weekday? There has to be something...some reason or some person that is keeping her tied to her school other than her sorority (I thought fraternities were for guys and girls joined sororities).

I agree with you and her though...long distance relationships tend to not work out. Occasionally you will meet the odd couple that made it work, but if you really asked them about it, they will tell you that there was a lot of fighting or issues the entire time.

i n c u b u s

Kato wrote: »

Not to sound too pessimistic...but you only see her on the weekends currently. What does she do during the weekday? There has to be something...some reason or some person that is keeping her tied to her school other than her sorority (I thought fraternities were for guys and girls joined sororities).

I agree with you and her though...long distance relationships tend to not work out. Occasionally you will meet the odd couple that made it work, but if you really asked them about it, they will tell you that there was a lot of fighting or issues the entire time.

Its not just her school its her friends really. She has a lot of bonds there she's not willing to break and also down here in Alabama, school pride is very important. I really don't care because I'm not from here but it really is a big deal to them. I don't even consider another person being a possibility in this situation when it comes to her =]. (seriously thats how much trust we have in each other)

PS- She is in fact part of a fraternity, I think she told me its because her organization was made way before there was a seperation and that it is a music fraternity so its coed.

RocketSauce

Only a couple hours? That's not bad at all. My fiance and I were a couple hours apart (130 miles) for a year after I graduated college and she finished her last year. We saw each other every other weekend, or at least once a month. Things worked out fine. We talked on the phone a lot, and emailed. It wasn't bad at all, honestly.

i n c u b u s

RocketSauce wrote: »

Only a couple hours? That's not bad at all. My fiance and I were a couple hours apart (130 miles) for a year after I graduated college and she finished her last year. We saw each other every other weekend, or at least once a month. Things worked out fine. We talked on the phone a lot, and emailed. It wasn't bad at all, honestly.

Ya know I've really grown to the idea alot recently so I think I might be up for it.

ceres

I am not pessimistic of your relationship. It sounds great. Yes, you are being selfish.

First of all, it sounds like she's made her decisions. She's going to a four-year school that she enjoys, she has ties to her chapter there, and she's close to her family. She most likely chose her school because it was close to her family. You can't ask her to leave that so she can be close to you if she isn't comfortable just because you decided to go to a different school, you made your decision after her and if you were that concerned you could always have chosen to attend hers. If she doesn't like the idea, pushing it will cause stupid amounts of resentment.

Second, a two-hour drive does not a relationship break, and you can certainly make the drive every other weekend if it's important to you.. even every weekend. Maybe not every night, but we are not talking about a logistical impossibility, here.

Both of your educations are important. Transferring universities is a huge hassle of time and money, especially if you didn't go to the first with going to the second in mind. Drop this. It's only two years, and you are not so far apart.

i n c u b u s

ceres wrote: »

I am not pessimistic of your relationship. It sounds great. Yes, you are being selfish.

First of all, it sounds like she's made her decisions. She's going to a four-year school that she enjoys, she has ties to her chapter there, and she's close to her family. She most likely chose her school because it was close to her family. You can't ask her to leave that so she can be close to you if she isn't comfortable just because you decided to go to a different school, you made your decision after her and if you were that concerned you could always have chosen to attend hers. If she doesn't like the idea, pushing it will cause stupid amounts of resentment.

Second, a two-hour drive does not a relationship break, and you can certainly make the drive every other weekend if it's important to you.. even every weekend. Maybe not every night, but we are not talking about a logistical impossibility, here.

Both of your educations are important. Transferring universities is a huge hassle of time and money, especially if you didn't go to the first with going to the second in mind. Drop this. It's only two years, and you are not so far apart.

Tell that to her XD. She seems pretty conviced it'll be hard simply because shes dated someone from that school and it didnt work out. I probably worded the OP wrong but I'm pretty much the optomistic one. I guess I'm reallr looking more for advice on how to talk to her about the situation.

Djiem

RocketSauce wrote: »

Only a couple hours? That's not bad at all. My fiance and I were a couple hours apart (130 miles) for a year after I graduated college and she finished her last year. We saw each other every other weekend, or at least once a month. Things worked out fine. We talked on the phone a lot, and emailed. It wasn't bad at all, honestly.

I've talked about it in a previous thread about long distance relationships, but my half-brother and his girlfriend were much farther away. He lived down here and she was in the northen Canada for 2 years, teaching to Inuits. In these two school years, she had 2 christmas breaks, one summer break and 3-4 more times she came down for a few days. That's pretty hard, but they've done it, without fighting or issues, and now they have their own home and a little baby girl. Seriously, an hour away is nothing.

In the same thread, a whole bunch of forummers chimed in and talked about their long distance stories that all worked fine.

Ryadic

Well my brother lives here, in Chattanooga, and his girlfriend lives in Memphis. It's about a 5 hour drive, so they see each other once a month on average. This is year round, not just during the school year. They met when she went to school here, but had to transfer. They seem to make it work just fine, granted the distance does get to them from time to time.

Based on what it sounds like, this distance thing shouldn't be too much of a problem. You guys are already talking about marriage, which is good. If you're at that point, then something like this really shouldn't be that detrimental to the relationship. The thing is, you just have to find a way to make it work. Maybe she will go to your school, but from what it sounds like, she doesn't want to. Just do what you can to make it easy for both of you.

Wags

More food for thought, you said she already goes to a four year program. I'm assuming that means she has at least one year of schooling under her belt if not more. Your asking her to transfer programs. I guess I don't exactly know what transferring schools is like in the States, but up here in Canada it is very often a hassle, especially when it comes to transfer credit and exactly what courses you will actually get credit for in a new school.

Take this for what it is worth as this is based on Canadian post secondary, but the other big worry about transferring I'd have would be if she has more than two years worth of studies, she may in fact end up losing some of her classes. With a lot of post secondary institutions up here they generally require you to do half the coursework for the degree from them. What I'm saying, is if a degree required 40 courses, and you did 30 at one institution, then transferred to another, the new institution would still require you to take 20 courses before they granted you a degree.

Again, I don't know what it's like in the states and I know you didn't mention how long she had been in school so I'm just throwing it out there. Basically, going through the hassle of transferring schools myself I'd say you were being a little selfish. I totally get why, and don't think you're a bad dude for it.

i n c u b u s

Wags wrote: »

More food for thought, you said she already goes to a four year program. I'm assuming that means she has at least one year of schooling under her belt if not more. Your asking her to transfer programs. I guess I don't exactly know what transferring schools is like in the States, but up here in Canada it is very often a hassle, especially when it comes to transfer credit and exactly what courses you will actually get credit for in a new school.

Take this for what it is worth as this is based on Canadian post secondary, but the other big worry about transferring I'd have would be if she has more than two years worth of studies, she may in fact end up losing some of her classes. With a lot of post secondary institutions up here they generally require you to do half the coursework for the degree from them. What I'm saying, is if a degree required 40 courses, and you did 30 at one institution, then transferred to another, the new institution would still require you to take 20 courses before they granted you a degree.

Again, I don't know what it's like in the states and I know you didn't mention how long she had been in school so I'm just throwing it out there. Basically, going through the hassle of transferring schools myself I'd say you were being a little selfish. I totally get why, and don't think you're a bad dude for it.

Thanks man, and I do believe its a lil easier in her situation mainly because she JUST switched her major. Shes got all the core classes down which are transferable and is just starting now on her new degree.

EggyToast

i n c u b u s wrote: »

Tell that to her XD. She seems pretty conviced it'll be hard simply because shes dated someone from that school and it didnt work out. I probably worded the OP wrong but I'm pretty much the optomistic one. I guess I'm reallr looking more for advice on how to talk to her about the situation.

That's easy; you just say "Well, I'm not him."

Distance makes it more difficult, but you're already only seeing each other as if you were in a long distance relationship. It's working now -- why won't it work for a few more years?

Maybe more telling would be to ask her "what WOULD work for you?" If what you outline is the situation as it stands now, and she states it will not work... what gives? People talking like that, when the future situation is ultimately not much different from the current, makes it sound like she wants the relationship to end for some reason.

Iruka

i n c u b u s wrote: »

Its not just her school its her friends really. She has a lot of bonds there she's not willing to break and also down here in Alabama, school pride is very important. I really don't care because I'm not from here but it really is a big deal to them.

Don't undermine the importance of these bonds. Half of college is making and enjoying new friendships and she may cherish them for the rest of her life. If asking her to move schools is asking her to leave alot of friends behind, thats a big deal. Even if she makes friends easily. You and family maybe important to her, but friends are usually balance out those relationships.

I dont know how I would be getting through my last years of school with out my friends.

HalberdBlue

i n c u b u s wrote: »

PS- She is in fact part of a fraternity, I think she told me its because her organization was made way before there was a seperation and that it is a music fraternity so its coed.

This isn't terribly relevant to the thread, but there are a number of social fraternities that have co-ed chapters as well. The only one I can name is Psi Upsilon, but that's because I'm a brother of one of their co-ed chapters and am largely ignorant of all other greek organizations :P

I can't speak for her, but personally I would never transfer schools because of my friends. It wouldn't matter how much less it costed, how much better of a school it was, etc.; my friends matter more. Harvard could offer me a full ride scholarship and I'd stay here. Though I am paying for my schooling, so I don't have parents pressuring me to go to a cheaper school.

Darkewolfe

I transferred schools for a girlfriend.

TERRIBLE FUCKING IDEA. FUCKING TERRIBLE.

That said, I've had some long distance things work out pretty well.

Edit: I know it's her who would transfer, but... terrible idea for her too.

My reasoning here is just that, if things do take a down turn, you have a major sense of betrayal, and you place any hardships/expenses/blame on the other person in the relationship, because you essentially made the sacrifices for them. Even just a hiccup in a relationship can turn into something more brutal, because hanging over your head is, "If this doesn't work, I gave up something I cared deeply about to be here, and the other person is selfish for not taking that into account."

YMMV

DiscoZombie

I don't know what to advise, all I can do is relate my own story, and you can draw from it what you will =p

I was in a long distance relationship for, oh, 7 or 8 years. wow, that's nuts when I think about it =p Met her on the internets while she was 16 and I was 18, 2 hours away. We loved each other, had a lot in common, played games on the internet and talked constantly to make the distance seem shorter. We both went to college, still 2 hours from each other. Now, she had gone to an all girls catholic high school. she went a little wild when she hit college. we broke up soon after, and she was with another guy. The blame isn't all hers - we did have some huge fights and relationship issues of our own. Anyway, after a break of a few months, we got back together for a couple more years, then broke up again, then got back together again... we finally moved in together, and I thought things were finally wonderful... but ironically, it was when we were together full time that things slowly started to deteriorate. We finally split once and for all.

was I trying to get at something with this anecdote? Not really. you could take from it anything you want, such that, even couples who think they're perfect for each other can find out they have nothing in common after 10 years, or that a girl going to a different college can complicate things, or that a relationship can weather a lot of distance if you both have the will to push through it.

Esh

You know might help? Not constantly reminding her of how "fantastic" her life is and about how her parents take care of everything for her. I'm sure she LOVES that.

And yes, you're being selfish about the distance. Trying dating someone a 5 hour plane ride away and then get back to me about your little problem.

Thylacine

If she only lives 30 minutes away now, why do you only see her ever other weekend? That just sounds really odd to me. Is it because of the drive? Or is she just too busy/you're too busy to see her more? Why would it change things if you're a couple hours away and see each other every other weekend?

i n c u b u s

Thylacine wrote: »

If she only lives 30 minutes away now, why do you only see her ever other weekend? That just sounds really odd to me. Is it because of the drive? Or is she just too busy/you're too busy to see her more? Why would it change things if you're a couple hours away and see each other every other weekend?

Yea it is because of the drive itself. We kinda live in the middle of nowhere so 90% of the drive is through some uninhabited/pretty sketchy areas that are not only dangerous at night but do hell on my tires. Thus is why I only make the trip every once in a while.

Durandal Infinity

Honestly it is pompous to make someone who is already going to college accommodate your needs just because for you it is inconvenient. Why not alternate trips every 2 weeks ONE of you makes the trip, essentially you would only drive over once a month and see each other just as often. It really doesn't seem that hard and I couldn't think of any better way to visit each other. Especially since she is getting a free gas for the trip. ALSO moving/ changing educational stuff for a girlfriend or boyfriend is an AWEFUL idea. She is already established at her school, let her finish up there.

Thylacine

Durandal Infinity wrote: »

Why not alternate trips every 2 weeks ONE of you makes the trip, essentially you would only drive over once a month and see each other just as often.

The above is actually what I was thinking...but I got too curious about why someone would only make a 30 minute drive every other weekend. I realize the drive is annoying...but to be honest, if my boyfriend only wanted to drive to see me every other week when it's only 30 minutes, I would question if he'd eventually start only coming to visit every other month once he got settled in a few hours away.

I know everyone has their reasons, and the amount of time they need to see each other to be happy...but you are essentially already in a long distance relationship if you already see each other just every other weekend. I guess just reassure her you will see her just as often, and be consistent about it and eventually she'll feel better about it?

ceres

Well, look at it this way: Now you'll have a real excuse to only see each other once every two weeks. :P

Seriously, whether or not the drive was a little rough, you get used to making it, and if my boyfriend could only be bothered to see me once every two weeks with that short a drive, I probably wouldn't want to date him for very long.