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RRAAAAAWWRRRGHH [Anger problems]
Tam
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Guys, this little guy has a huge anger problem.
I'm convinced that the root of my problems has to do with me being a perfectionist, really insecure, taking things too personally, not having a lot of patience, and being unable to adequately express my emotions. I'm identical in this regard to my Dad, which has led to a strained father/son relationship.
I'm at a near Turette's level reaction when I go to work (Jack in the Box). I lose it when a customer orders a lot of food, if they order extensively modified food, or if the screen starts to fill up and I can't keep track. I guess a little anger would be good motivation here, but I'm growling obscenities and generally being a gremlin.
The worst part is that the voice of reason in my head is sitting there the whole time like an embarrassed parent going
"Yes, people have quirks, they like their food a certain way. And yes, some people have different manners of speech. It's not the end of the world if they say 'chicken burger' instead of chicken sandwich. Calm the fuck down."
But the voice of reason isn't strong enough to halt the limbic juggernaut crashing around my brain.
This has bad consequences in arguments. If I get mad, I can never gather my wits. For instance, one of my friends has very different tastes and strong opinions in everything in general. Nothing wrong with that. But, some of his reasons for not liking or liking things are (I feel) total and utter bullshit. When he states his opinions, it sends off the juggernaut, and rather than blow up in his face, the contained "yeah, I see what you're saying" guy kicks in. So I can blow up at people I don't have contact with, but not people I perceive to be friendly; IRL or internet.
This in turn has led to social recalcitrance and lack of confidence and getting so mad that I get headaches.
Actually, I'm getting frazzled just typing this, so
tl;dr Anger has made me a social cripple. help.
I'm convinced that the root of my problems has to do with me being a perfectionist, really insecure, taking things too personally, not having a lot of patience, and being unable to adequately express my emotions. I'm identical in this regard to my Dad, which has led to a strained father/son relationship.
I'm at a near Turette's level reaction when I go to work (Jack in the Box). I lose it when a customer orders a lot of food, if they order extensively modified food, or if the screen starts to fill up and I can't keep track. I guess a little anger would be good motivation here, but I'm growling obscenities and generally being a gremlin.
The worst part is that the voice of reason in my head is sitting there the whole time like an embarrassed parent going
"Yes, people have quirks, they like their food a certain way. And yes, some people have different manners of speech. It's not the end of the world if they say 'chicken burger' instead of chicken sandwich. Calm the fuck down."
But the voice of reason isn't strong enough to halt the limbic juggernaut crashing around my brain.
This has bad consequences in arguments. If I get mad, I can never gather my wits. For instance, one of my friends has very different tastes and strong opinions in everything in general. Nothing wrong with that. But, some of his reasons for not liking or liking things are (I feel) total and utter bullshit. When he states his opinions, it sends off the juggernaut, and rather than blow up in his face, the contained "yeah, I see what you're saying" guy kicks in. So I can blow up at people I don't have contact with, but not people I perceive to be friendly; IRL or internet.
This in turn has led to social recalcitrance and lack of confidence and getting so mad that I get headaches.
Actually, I'm getting frazzled just typing this, so
tl;dr Anger has made me a social cripple. help.
Tam on
0
Posts
What worked for me to get over my impatience/anger/lack of confidence was sitting back and repeatedly telling myself to chill the fuck out. As routine an answer as this is, I still can't help but repeat it: exercise played a big part in me being relaxed. I think you might just have a ton of stress, and there's no better way to get rid of it than by exercising, and it doesn't need to be some macho weightlifting. Whatever works for you/your schedule.
I have to give you credit because you are aware that you're being irrational sometimes, and that is a HUGE leg up above other people who don't think they're doing anything wrong. Just realize that other people are just as self-conscious as you, and find some way to keep you calm (and I am not recommending alcohol or drugs!) while keeping that thought in your head that you mentioned about you being a little irrational.
Weaboo List
Toefoo: I'll try the self-coaching, but I don't know that it'll work- I have a tendency to not take such things seriously.
I'm considering therapy, but I don't want to pay a load and then get a stuffy quack.
On the substance side, the first two times I smoked weed, nothing really happened. The third time, I was incredibly laid back and I slept like a baby that night which I don't usually do. I haven't done it since because I know where that path can lead you, but I might go back to it if I feel too overwhelmed- a bad thing, I imagine.
Although I seem to be dealing with my anger at a slightly smaller scale than yours, I've chalked it up to similar reasons. I've become rather impatient over the past ~6 months (especially lately), I'm a goddamn perfectionist, somewhat insecure, and have like, one or two people to talk about it to. AND I have that same embarrassed-parent part of myself that I just want to shoot, asking me, "what's your problem? Chill out".
The level of anger and impatience/intolerance I've been feeling lately has gotten to a level where I've needed to face the problem directly. I've actually started doing one of the things Toefoo mentioned: telling myself, repeatedly, and sometimes outloud if I'm by myself..."it's okay, calm down, chill out"...and just taking the time to slow down, take a few deep breaths, and close my eyes. For instance: last night I was trying to paint something, and it didn't turn out 100% perfect, so then I started freaking out at the connotations - oh noes! can't do this right, won't have stuff for a portfolio! Won't get an internship! Won't get a job! Disaster! Why can't I be perfect??
I will say that even though I just started this method to calm myself down, it's been helping a bit, surprisingly. It also really does help to just take 10-15 seconds to breathe and close your eyes, as silly as it sounds. Just take a little time out of the day if you can to really relax, and do something that you'll enjoy...like listen to some music, or read, or sit outside at night and listen to the breeze. Something calming. I find this helps out quite a bit when I get too caught up in the stresses of the daily life.
Just thought I'd mention it as a suggestion...I'm at the beginning of dealing with the same stuff myself, so I'm sorry I can't offer more advice. I will say, however, that you're very talented for your age, and shouldn't get angry at yourself for not being perfect (I should take my own advice too! ha!). You'll continue to improve and get better. Not even the professionals are perfect, every now and then I can find something wrong in a professional's work. Of course, it's usually pretty rare, (also in part, probably, because I'm not at the skill level to see much else wrong)...but it happens! I guess just try to keep that in mind as best as you can. All the professionals were once just like you, and took a lot of practice to get things right (or almost right). :P
Best of luck to ya, man! Deep breaths!
[edit] Also, if you're going to smoke weed, or drink, absolutely refuse to let yourself do so when you're feeling down or angry. That's exactly how one can develop a psychological dependence (and as you've stated, you're not going to do that for that exact reason). If you're feeling this way to begin with, though, I'd suggest avoiding either for the majority of the time. I have no problem if people do either, as long as they can handle themselves on it, and it's not destructive. When you're feeling shitty, doing either usually is not the best path to take. You tend to feel crappier after you come down/sober up.
Thats understandable, it does seem hokey when you think about it. But if you can somehow condition yourself to listen to yourself (what a brain teaser) then it can help.
As for therapy...it CAN help if you go to the right person and you actually want to make an effort to get it fixed. Also, as an ex-pot head, my advice for your last couple sentences is this: what you do to unwind and fill your time is your own business, but just don't ever start to RELY on it and let it consume you...because that will just add more stress and increase your anger in many situations.
But as I said, you at least know there's something up, so I'm sure you'll be able to make some progress however you choose
Weaboo List
See, that's what I thought it was. I screwed up my sleep cycle two months ago, but this is a much older problem. After exercising and eating well regularly for four weeks now, I haven't noticed a difference. That might just take time though, so we'll see.
ND : Hey what is up. Thanks for the ideas. Music does tend to take the edge off. Maybe Bach and Old Crow Medicine Show can mellow me out a little- I'll try taking my iPod to work more often. I might also try this listen to the breeze technique of yours.:P Also thank you for the encouragement and good luck on the road of Art.
Toefoo: Thanks again, I'll try to condition myself to listen to myself.
In the meantime, keep the ideas coming, I'll try anything once.
After I put away the iPod, it kinda got worse than usual. I said "bitch" pretty loud when a lady sent back her order saying she didn't realize the BACON Sirloin Cheeseburger had bacon on it. Fortunately, she didn't hear.
I tried thinking about something else- something about phase spaces- and that actually helped quite a bit, but I started messing up orders.
Ugh, this is going to be a tough plot to hoe.
Trust me, I know retail is a pain in the ass and if you're angry it just makes you worse. Look for a desk job like database entry (not hard to get) or maybe even a retail job where you don't have to deal with as much traffic as a fast food place. I think the job is the major catalyst in this.
Weaboo List
I remember in school when going home, a fellow pupil ran out in front of my bike while he was messing with friends, my brakes weren't the best so I had a hard time stopping and went over his foot while almost falling of the bike.
I remember having a bad day to start with but at this point something in my head went *SNAP*
Got off my bike and fly kicked this dude in the stomach before realizing he was quite a bit larger than me, but I'm pretty small so everyone is, we scrapped, I received a few punches to the side of the head, He received a black eye. Not my proudest moment. I was a bit of a psycho back then I guess :S
I think an outlet may help, maybe buy a punch bag, that helped me, after that incident I took up kick boxing and tai chi, they both really helped me with self control and relaxation techniques.
A punching bag, I imagine, isn't hard to get- another job is probably harder. I already applied to Costco quite a while ago, but I haven't gotten a reply- maybe they don't need anyone or maybe I failed their little questionnaire. It'd be great if I could get something dentally related as that pretty much goes down my future career path, but those jobs are pretty difficult to get into.
Well, anyway, you guys are right, I need out of this job, and I'm going to apply to every place I think would be better. Any ideas? I'd love to do something where I'm taking inventory or stocking or -ideally- some dental assisting job. Blech, I should have done this sooner- classes start in less than a week.
Stocking at a supermarket is even LESS stressful, because you're not forced to lift 50" tvs sometimes, and mainly when you stock its either 5-6am when there's 2 people in the store, or its late at night when they close.
Weaboo List
I have an aggressive side, which I got from my father as well. The same as you, there were times when we couldn't be in contact with eachother because the tempers flared too much. As I grew older we both chilled out (he did big time, never seen him angry in years). I became more and more apprehensive to conflict (but I still let my temper get the best of me at times) and realized that life is too short to sweat the small things, and that letting those things make you angry is really, really bad. Because of this, I'm really chilled out most of the time. In fact, I'm so chilled out, sometimes I ask myself if I need to be more sensitive. Like religion and politics. I'm a Christian, but I don't have any problems with any other religions. If I ever started my own church, it would support all religions (this lead me to decide I probably shouldn't start a church, for everyone's sake). Same with politics (except anyone leaning to extremely to one side).
Anyways, this isn't a thread about myself. :oops: The only advice I can offer is to break the habit, and to do that you have to think differently. You have to tell yourself it doesn't make you angry, even if it does. Eventually it really won't.
also, I would slap you upside the head if you looked at me funny for ordering a chicken burger. I've got a box of chicken burgers in my freezer that say "chicken burgers" right on the dang box. The box would never lie to me. The box knows all (about chicken burgers at least).
I used to have a really short temper and got in bloody fistfights often. I dunno how I fixed it, I just changed is all.
finally, Stop listening to Linkin Park and hating yourself, then start listening to alternative music.
Probably, particularly the coaching. Exercise helps, too. I'll second the nightfill job suggestion, I did that when I was studying and it was great.
Your blood sugar can affect your mood pretty drastically - I get really aggro/emotional when mine tanks. Small meals at shorter intervals and avoiding sugary/starchy stuff will help if that's worsening things.
hmmmm... you know, you could give MoodGym a go. Its intended more for people with anxiety/depression, but anger can be a symptom of those things. The purpose of the website is basically to get you paying attention to your own cognitive processes - it teaches you to spot what sets you off and to short-circuit that downward spiral. Pretty clever, really, and can give you a free taste of what a cognitive therapist could do for you. And in my roundabout way, we've arrived at the most important advice I can give you - consider getting a reference to a cognitive therapist. You don't have to retrain your mind by yourself, they can help.
Hell, it used to peeve me when people payed for $2 meals with a $20 bill. "I'm not a bank teller! Give me appropriate tender!" I'd think. But it wasn't until I ended up at a drive thru with nothing but $20 bills and no credit card that I could understand they weren't being dicks.
You know, throughout the day, we deal with stresses and responsibilities. When we take a break for lunch or dinner, we'd like to disengage and be relaxed. It's no wonder a lot of people are lazy or seem stupid in the drive thrus all over. Lunch shouldn't be something we research heavily to get all the vocabulary right. It should be "I want this delicious thing in my mouth."
Bitch you best be playin'. I don't ever ever listen to no damn Linkin Park.
I eat small meals throughout the day, including at work, so it's probably not this.
instead of "bitch you best be playin'." you could say "I'm sorry good sir, but I must most genuinely disagree with your observation, forsooth, heretofore I have paid no keen ear to the likes of the Park from Linkin!"
That's one of the few accusations that upsets me. It just makes me feel so numb.
Numb...like the Linkin Park song? :P
I keed.
Weaboo List
No, that's exactly what I meant.
Anyway, I've gotten a lot of great advice from this thread and an awesome website, so we can just let this die now.