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Moving in with Engaged couple: do/don't advice needed
Lacroix
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
bother and all, but i'd like some feedback here:
1.) My friend of 3 years now... lets call him Bob just in case he gets internet savvy made planes to stay in the area and live with me for a year after uni while we gets jobs. January of this year, he meets Ellen. By March they are engaged and she is gonna live with us now. She's nice enough so I hardly mind... women should come first, particularly if you are, y'know... engaged. My worry is that i've placed myself in a third wheel situation of the highest order.
But general info needed on bickering and fights.
2.) They bicker. Alot. Little things get blown out of proportion because they are both stubborn. She is self-confessed paranoid and gets passive-aggressive easily. Bob is.... not the quickest at noticing these things, and I usually know he is in trouble before he does. I usually try to leave the room so they can talk things out (before she leaves for a walk and he still doesn't know he's in trouble), and she will say 'don't let me scare you off/ turf you out' --> I could make up some excuse I guess but the manner in which things are said usually sound very firm.
Do I just leave them to it? How to I get out of this?
3.) When they ask my opinion on fights. Honesty? Or just repeat 'don't draw me into this.' ad infinitum? Or worse... I usually agree with her in the fights, but I don't want him to feel ganged up on, but he does make many of the classic sitcom mistakes.... getting worried when she's 30 mins late and then being 2hrs late himself without calling because he got 'stuck talking to somone'.
Inappropriate behaviour for prudes like me:
4.) He's new with a girlfriend and I don't mind the smoochies, but he does this 'I'm saying something cryptic about dirty stuff' all the time, in a really non-cryptic way. She doesn't seem keen on it either. Alot are just like 'oh, dont mention the honeymoon, because we know whats going to happen' stuff. He doesn't actually say that, but imagine someone who thinks they are trying to make that sentence cryptic and failing. Its the only real personality change but its kinda creeping me out when he does it, because its getting alot. Do I just ignore it when he does it? (usually I get hes saying something dirty before Dr.fiance does, and she'll say what, and he'll repeat a cryptic phrase only with more emphasis... making things even more awkward)
5.) Again. As a prude. Using my relationship as a benchmark. 'How many weeks before she let you touch X body part?' . Ew. Though they are both fundies so whilst crypticness suggests they are doing something dirty, it's clearly not that.
---
So, just, try to ignore/don't get involved for the most part do you reckon?
My only other issue is my girlfriend, who is living locally to spend more time w/ her family. Worried they will get proprietary of house and have issues with her being round (landlord contract already says guests can only stay over twice a fortnight... which seems dubious to me too). The cupboards and living room are already filled to the extent that I don't feel I live there (she's moved in already, I move in when i get kicked out of dorms). I've already put my foot down about the portraits of them hung over the living room sofa, (like, one face per cushion almost like saying 'these are our seats'). And also today found some of his stuff in my bedroom... though apparently they were just moved there for a bit so i'll let that slide. Buying house stuff and expecting me to pay I also got pissy at and they sorta got that.... like 'hey, we bought this desk for the living room, nice... heres how much your share is' - but I think i've explained that one and they understood it was not right.
I love that they're happy, and I don't want to be the guy who says 'I was gonna live here before you showed up. I'm not just your guest' - but it really is starting to feel like i'm a guest in their house before i've even moved in. But this fact may even have been missed because I have heard them say that i'm living there so that other fundies won't criticise them for living together before being married, but i hope that was a joke. Okay... this is mostly her actually, because he hasn't moved in yet either or moved his stuff in, but the communal space is FULL (Oh, plus the big W.W.J.D sign in the living room too). Is there anything I can do? If I complain about too much i'm just gonna make them a unit against me, should I again, just ignore it and mostly live in my room?
1.) My friend of 3 years now... lets call him Bob just in case he gets internet savvy made planes to stay in the area and live with me for a year after uni while we gets jobs. January of this year, he meets Ellen. By March they are engaged and she is gonna live with us now. She's nice enough so I hardly mind... women should come first, particularly if you are, y'know... engaged. My worry is that i've placed myself in a third wheel situation of the highest order.
But general info needed on bickering and fights.
2.) They bicker. Alot. Little things get blown out of proportion because they are both stubborn. She is self-confessed paranoid and gets passive-aggressive easily. Bob is.... not the quickest at noticing these things, and I usually know he is in trouble before he does. I usually try to leave the room so they can talk things out (before she leaves for a walk and he still doesn't know he's in trouble), and she will say 'don't let me scare you off/ turf you out' --> I could make up some excuse I guess but the manner in which things are said usually sound very firm.
Do I just leave them to it? How to I get out of this?
3.) When they ask my opinion on fights. Honesty? Or just repeat 'don't draw me into this.' ad infinitum? Or worse... I usually agree with her in the fights, but I don't want him to feel ganged up on, but he does make many of the classic sitcom mistakes.... getting worried when she's 30 mins late and then being 2hrs late himself without calling because he got 'stuck talking to somone'.
Inappropriate behaviour for prudes like me:
4.) He's new with a girlfriend and I don't mind the smoochies, but he does this 'I'm saying something cryptic about dirty stuff' all the time, in a really non-cryptic way. She doesn't seem keen on it either. Alot are just like 'oh, dont mention the honeymoon, because we know whats going to happen' stuff. He doesn't actually say that, but imagine someone who thinks they are trying to make that sentence cryptic and failing. Its the only real personality change but its kinda creeping me out when he does it, because its getting alot. Do I just ignore it when he does it? (usually I get hes saying something dirty before Dr.fiance does, and she'll say what, and he'll repeat a cryptic phrase only with more emphasis... making things even more awkward)
5.) Again. As a prude. Using my relationship as a benchmark. 'How many weeks before she let you touch X body part?' . Ew. Though they are both fundies so whilst crypticness suggests they are doing something dirty, it's clearly not that.
---
So, just, try to ignore/don't get involved for the most part do you reckon?
My only other issue is my girlfriend, who is living locally to spend more time w/ her family. Worried they will get proprietary of house and have issues with her being round (landlord contract already says guests can only stay over twice a fortnight... which seems dubious to me too). The cupboards and living room are already filled to the extent that I don't feel I live there (she's moved in already, I move in when i get kicked out of dorms). I've already put my foot down about the portraits of them hung over the living room sofa, (like, one face per cushion almost like saying 'these are our seats'). And also today found some of his stuff in my bedroom... though apparently they were just moved there for a bit so i'll let that slide. Buying house stuff and expecting me to pay I also got pissy at and they sorta got that.... like 'hey, we bought this desk for the living room, nice... heres how much your share is' - but I think i've explained that one and they understood it was not right.
I love that they're happy, and I don't want to be the guy who says 'I was gonna live here before you showed up. I'm not just your guest' - but it really is starting to feel like i'm a guest in their house before i've even moved in. But this fact may even have been missed because I have heard them say that i'm living there so that other fundies won't criticise them for living together before being married, but i hope that was a joke. Okay... this is mostly her actually, because he hasn't moved in yet either or moved his stuff in, but the communal space is FULL (Oh, plus the big W.W.J.D sign in the living room too). Is there anything I can do? If I complain about too much i'm just gonna make them a unit against me, should I again, just ignore it and mostly live in my room?
Lacroix on
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Two: I really hope you're not stuck paying half the rent.
Three: Do not live with a couple. It rarely works out. They'll gang up against you or try and use you to prove a point in their arguments with each other. It won't be fun and it already sounds like they're doing this.
It's never fun to live in a situation where you're perpetually slightly uncomfortable and unhappy.
Again, as a side query... Is it right for the landlord to limit visits from my gf to staying only 2 times per fortnight? One person said 'its to avoid squatters' and another person i talked to said it was illegal. Both seemed fairly intelligent. She lives in the area with her family, so its not like someone coming and staying for an indeterminate length of time.
No, Rent is divided equally between us thankfully.
Too late i'm afraid
He's going home to work for the first fortnight to raise money for rent (dont worry, i've already got that 'no' response covered if when he gets back he doesn't walk into a job as quickly as he'd like and can't afford the next couple of months rent. No mixing friends and money) - So it'll be just me and her.
Good opportunity for bonding and making my presence known? Or terrifying way to put-my-foot in it and accidentally annoy her without him there as a conversational Buffer? You decide!
So its either live w/ them or live with people i've never met, because I can't afford a place on my own yet.
Rock Band DLC | GW:OttW - arrcd | WLD - Thortar
'Hey... you're engaged? Great. I don't want to live with you anymore'... particularly since my being there was what was allowing them to live together.
I'd treat them like any other annoying roommate. Let them know your boundaries and try to ignore them.
As far as your girlfriend staying over, if it's in the lease, that's the way it is. But I'd talk to your landlord and see how strict he is about that. My first apartment had a guest limit in the lease, but the property manager was cool and said as long as there aren't any complaints, they don't really enforce it, so my then girlfriend ended up staying there for about 2.5 months, before we moved out (3 month lease).
What if things go south and they break up? even if they don't, will they be driving you crazy the whole time?
But if you do, just be up front and honest with them. If somthing is bothering you talk to them about it.
but they're listening to every word I say
I will say that I, being a bit of a jerk anyway, have violated that part of my lease before. My girlfriend had other living arrangements she could fall back on and it wasn't like we were under constant scrutiny by the apartment management, so it ended up being all the same in their eyes (though the lessors in this case ended up screwing me over hard anyway, illegally locked me out and stole a bunch of my stuff toward the end of the lease. For reasons TOTALLY UNRELATED to me having the girlfriend over. They were just jerks.).
I can't imagine that the folks you're living with OR your landlord would really discourage you from being with your girlfriend more than the lease provides for, since staying together is kind of part of that dynamic. I'd just keep in mind that they'd have standing to complain if they don't like her for some reason, so if there's a disagreement you're probably going to have to be the more accomodating ones. If you're feeling really charitable I guess you might discuss it with your roommates before having her over a lot or overnight, at least as a heads-up, but you are entitled to live there and that includes having friends over.
Summary: having girlfriend around a lot might be practically okay even if it technically isn't, but it'd be wise to make sure the roommates don't hate her being there.
I personally think the situation will be irritating for you, but livable. I dealt with annoying roommates for 2 years...the money I saved was fairly worth it. To be honest I just kept myself busy and when I was home I slept or stayed in my room unless everyone was being pleasant and drama free...and things worked out.
Absolutely don't involve yourself with any of their fights. It's their relationship, they have to deal. If he's in trouble, don't tell him. I would be incensed if I was being brought into arguments. You should be too.
For instance, my sister/fiance have an agreement with their roommate that if he's currently in the living room or, in their music studio (him and the fiance do music together), or doing whatever in the kitchen, and bickering/argument comes up, they leave, not him. It's simple, but works.
Not to say it never happens, but I have never known anyone who lived with a couple who didn't basically hate them by the end of it. The best couples in the world bicker at home--its actually been proven that the more minor fights you have, the more likely your relationship will last. But you're going to be stuck in the middle of it, maybe even the subject of or active participant in those fights. And it will drive you crazy. The other side of the coin is that they NEVER fight, which is worse. Eventually they'll hit some tipping point and have a two hour airing of grievances with shouting and crying and worse.
You're also probably going to end up feeling left out of things, unless you're already an extreme loner.
They've used it sort of like when a police officer pulls you over and you're a dick to him, he'll write you up for that 2km/h over the speed limit, the "broken" tail light, the expired tags, etc. Essentially all the things that they wouldn't normally say anything about, but can flip you over and hit you on the underside for MASSIVE damage with.
1) You get place, Bob moves in with you.
2) He meets Ellen, she's moving in.
I'd say leave and make him responsible for any fees you get for leaving early. In any case, I'd get out of there. As other have said, it's likely to turn into a drawn-out divorce proceeedings with you as the kid in the middle. RE: "Well, Lacroix alaways puts his dishes away, why don't you?" No thanks.
I did couple+roommate thing for a year. We were the couple. It worked out alright. Don't monopolize the common areas, and ask them nicely to quit it if they are. Also, it would be a class move for you to have a consistent one night a week that you weren't there for a few hours in the evening. Join a bowling league or something. It's your house too, but giving them a window of time to plan some alone time and/or sexy time will help keep everyone at ease.
Oh, and that fundie-innuendo bit? That would annoy the shit out of me, but I'd probably just ridicule them or tell them to go fuck already. Your mileage may vary.
And repeat the other posters who noted that the "guests twice per two weeks" or whatever is only a problem if the guest is a problem for some other reason.
It also sounds like they are using you as a buffer against A) their fundie friends disapproval and
Honestly, get your ass back on Craigslist. This is a situation you don't want any part of. Make a listing for your room, find a few places to look at, and then give them the heads-up. Say you're sorry for breaking your end of the lease, but you aren't going to feel comfortable with them. If you have a replacement in time, you'll have a minimum of trouble with your landlord, though there might be a fee associated with changing the lease, which it would be polite for you to assume responsibility for. You did make a pretty bad decision getting into this deal and if there's a cost associated with getting out it's yours to bear.
It also sounds like they are pretty much leaving you out of the picture. If it was their house already and you were renting a room from them it would be one thing, but you're supposed to be in this together. They are making a place for themselves without you there, with you as little more than a cover story.
Maybe none of these things are major, but there are enough small red flags that I just wouldn't do it. Better to live with a random stranger you mean on craigslist than risk losing a really good friend to what sounds like it could be a nasty roommate situation.
hey, my parents were engaged 3 months after they met on a blind date, married within a year(and no, they didnt' get married because of baby(me), I came along 4 years later). They celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary last October. I know they're the rare case, but it can happen.
To the OP: Move out.
You dont' want to be the third wheel. You know how much it sucks to be the third wheel on a night out? multiply that by eleventeen billion.
There's just no reason to rush especially when you're still young, and it sounds like the happy couple is bickering a lot as it is. It sounds like they're getting married so they can have sex which is just o_O
As for staying with them... alot of the advice has been to move out, which is also helpful and makes me wish i'd asked this question much sooner... but i'm afraid that I am going to at least try to make a go of it, because i'm stubborn.
Well theres that silver lining
Love to. Want to. But in the absence of finding such a club to be in as an excuse, I have trouble to reject them. It is like a war of the politeness:
I try to leave
'Oh no don't let us turf you out, come'
'no thats fine, honestly, you have a nice night out'
'no come'
etc.
Which is probably very nice and considerate of them, but the more i try to avoid it and give them time, the less polite it will maybe seem? But I don't want to get so used to being invited places that I end up trampling on time they do want to spend together and not noticing it.... and as said, like with the bickering... sometimes they emphatically do need to spend time alone together without me, but i'm just so bad at doing the polite leaving thing, after a couple of 'stay/dont go' I usually break. Whats the limit on number of times you can say 'No, i'm alright' before it becomes impolite on my part?
EDIT: Oh... me leave the house, doyy. Yeah, that should happen alot, but perhaps not consistently at the same time each week, but visiting GF, and living close to cinema gives me something to do in regards to giving them space.
Not as much as I have been making out, it's just easy to go to that place when i'm feeling exasperated with them. I am theoretically a Christian myself... I just dislike organised religion, and think that the Bible should not always be taken literally. Of course... my faith probably stems from watching the Gabriel Byrne film Stigmata when I was young and my brain went 'oh! You can believe in something, you just should be tolerant of others and be willing to realise your view could be wrong/is just as right as everyone elses' -- and then i started reading parables after that. So.... yeah, I have equally screwed up religious views.
Plus, She grew up in a mission. So i'm not surprised by her views and she expresses herself eloquently... which is why I think it comes off like I have an issue with her... because before when he expressed some 'No...just...no' non PC religious view, me and a lapsed catholic friend of mine were able to at least try and argue on his terms that X community is not evil. But she knows her Bible, and the tables have turned on me in those debates now so to speak. I'm the one with the weird views now. Which maybe I deserve to being on the other side for criticising him so often, but I only did it on the occasion that something sexist/racist/homophobic stuff came up. Those are my hot buttons.
Heh. A little ridicule, but 'go fuck' ...No i'm too goody goody for that, it would sound really incongruous coming from me.
If they are happy great, my worry is that there won't be divorce proceedings because they don't believe in it, so would stay together even if it got bad. Theres only a very limited window for them to get sick of one another and call it off (they will be married in the last month and a bit of our tenency in the flat BTW to make things scarier... and i didn't know THAT when i signed the contract)... So I will be living with them when they are married for a short while.
Oh man, where is the eye-roll smiley when you need it?
They'll be divorced inside of two years, if they make it to the wedding at all. If they don't divorce, one or both of them will cheat.
Don't live with them. The cheap rent isn't worth the headache.
Lacroix: echoing what others said. I bet as long as you can set boundaries here, you'll make it through this all the better for it. It might suck a bit, but here's hoping it's not too bad.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
I believe in the absence of an eye roll smiley a
Yeah, whether you live with them or not, this is the key right here.
Though i'm in little old England and not the deeeeeeeeeeep south as your sig suggests
Argh! Wheres its other eye? That thing is creepy!
I'll do my best. Had lunch with them today which wasn't so bad... though I got entrapped into one comment thinking we were just having a normal discussion, but my comment evoked a 'see! Lacroix doesn't think X' - cannot for the life of me remember what it was that prompted that. But that was mostly a jokey thing that she wasn't worried about because they fought about it before I arrived and she won.
Oh no, there was another instance that I do remember, but that was my fault becuase I responded on a wedding matter, but I was sure my friend had decided he didn't want strippers at the bachelor party, so I thought it was a safe subject to say that I don't see the need for them either. But again, apparently he did want strippers (I say apparently because he doesn't remember this either) so that got another 'see?' - Oops.
I will be more dilligent in looking for danger zones and not being drawn in.
But dont win them too embarassingly hard and get her mad at you.
but they're listening to every word I say
Or, move out.
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
I still feel i'm right. Bit damn if I couldn't argue it. For me, Faith is a conscious choice to believe in spite of evidence. It's why i'd never throw a Bible quote at someone as evidence , because it isn't (except in a theological debate about what the Bible tells you to do). You can't prove God created the world, it's a willing act of stubborness that you just choose to believe in regardless, and shouldn't be use to influence or condemn others. An act of Faith is you making that insane leap out of belief.
I remember the Constantine movie quote that says something like 'you know God exists John, thats not the same as an act of Faith/belief'
Blerr, tangent. sorry.
"I believe"
"No John you know and there is a difference."
I don't know quite where you stand on this but if that happened more than twice I think I would leave the room the next time it happened. That would bug the hell out of me. If it happened more than five times, there would be words. And tears. And a psychic squid bomb.